Chapter Text
“Hey, my friend, are you ok?”, you jump at Alphinaud’s soft voice and notice his hand on your shoulder. You look at him, forcing a smile, trying to assure him everything was ok. It’d never be ok again, but you had to try. For him. You aspire the green air of Lavender Beds, feeling the soft wind, the smell of trees and the distant noise of the waterfalls. You were back home.
“My darling, this is the most amazing place ever!”, your heart aches. Again. At the memories that kept flowing though your mind. You could hear his voice, when you both had came for the first time to this place.
You could almost see his happy smile, while he spun to see all of that amazing landscape. He looked almost like a child, and you smiled fondly of this. He had looked at you and saw your smile. Joyfully, he had reached to your hands, took them into his and placed a gentle kiss. “I’m sorry, I’m so used to seen snow…Every time I come to Gridania I’m always amazed by the green and the life of this place. But to think…one could live right beside such wonderful nature…I’m just…overwhelmed…”, he said, taking you into his arms and kissing you with passion. You had kissed him back with equal love, caressing his silver hair. Then, you had taken him by the hand to show him the land you were thinking of buying, for you both. For your…family.
“This place is really amazing, my friend”, Alphinaud’s voice brings you back to the present. You look at him, smiling and agreeing. “But I never thought you’d take your time to build a house for yourself.”, he adds, looking at the beautiful house in front of you. It was a medium sized one, right at the side of the lake and with two waterfalls adorning its surroundings. A sweet square was in front of the house, with benches under trees, a place where one could just sit and enjoy nature, where kids could play happily. Kids…You place one hand over your abdomen, suddenly feeling sick.
“I can see our children playing here. They’d be so happy.”, his beloved voice again, at that same place, not many months ago. You had smiled at him, thinking how cute he was all dreamy like that.
“Well, least you forget, I am the Warrior of Light, my love. Don’t think we can have children in a long shot…”, there was a small hint of sadness in your voice. Honestly you just couldn’t think you deserved or could have even the love you both had. Your life wasn’t yours to begin with. He had noticed your apprehensiveness, and came to your side, taking your chin into his hands and making you look straight at his eyes.
“You, my love, are a person before been the Warrior of Light. You, my love, deserves and will have everything a normal person can aspire. You deserve it better than anyone on this realm. Just…take one step at a time. I’ll be always at your side, assuring that you don’t forget yourself in your quests to save all others.”
You had softly cried at this, and he had wiped your tears with a kiss, smiling confidently.
He was not at your side right now. And he’d never be again. Cause your life as Warrior of Light had taken him away. Forever.
You embrace yourself, looking distantly at Alphinaud. “Hey, I can take from here, my friend. Thanks for…coming with me.”You need him away from you as fast as you can. You can feel you breaking from inside out. You need to mourn. You need to cry, and you knew he was not prepared to see your pain. Not like that. You need to protect him from your pain. He surely had a lot on him too.
Alphinaud looks at you suspiciously.
“I don’t think you’re ok to be alone. I’ll stay", he adds decidedly, to your despair.
“Please!”, you beg him. He takes a step back at the hint of pain in your plea. You needed this time. You had gone to his grave for that before, and he and Tataru had followed you. Now he was here too. You knew he was worried and wanted to make sure you were ok. Fact was you weren’t ok. There was nothing he could do to amend that. You had pressed forward the last few weeks after his death, wanting nothing more than Ser Zepherin’s head. You wanted to save the people of Ishgard, of course. But you wanted revenge. You had not talked about this to anyone. The only one who’d had understood you was dead anyway. But all of that nights you had dreamed of blood. You understood full well Estinien’s behavior after loosing Haurchefant. You and him had gotten closer because of that. He could silently see your pain and empathizes with it. And in the end, even he was gone. Consumed by his own hate. You were afraid that’d happen to you too. You just don’t know what to do to release this pain. But one thing you’re certain. No one should see that.
“I…I…”, Alphinaud doesn't know what to say. You gaze at him intently, and he finally drops his head, defeated. You were the Warrior of Light in the end. You always win. “Fine. But I’ll be nearby. And tomorrow morning I’m coming back. I won’t leave you alone, my friend. I…” he hesitates in continue with his argument, then lift his eyes and challenge you back. “I know that the worst times are when we don’t have anything immediately to do. Ishgard is safe, for now. The Heaven’s Ward are defeated. We don’t know Estinien’s whereabouts to go after him. We…have to wait. And these times are the worst cause we think…and feel…what we can’t when we are occupied.” He was so smart, you think. He couldn’t help you, but he knew what you were going through. “So…take your time. But tomorrow, we’re going to do something. Anything.”. You couldn’t help but smile at him. He wasn’t giving you option to refuse his offer.
“I’ll be fine.”, you manage to say simply. And you enter into your yard, forgetting the boy who was looking at you from the house entrance.
You open the door and close it behind you, sighing deeply. You lean against the door, opening your eyes to the house. The one you and him were decorating together. To live in there when you could. To have in there your safe refuge from Primals, Dragons and all.
“Will you marry me now?”, he had said casually, while you were arranging a beautiful bonsai you had bought in Mor Dhona over the table. You had frozen in place, and he had laughed, embracing you from behind, making you feel dizzy just by his touch. He had whispered at your ear, caressing your horns with his face. “I’m serious. Let’s go to the Church of the Twelve, now.” You had had a hard time focusing on his words while he caressed you the way he did, but you managed to look up at him, searching his expressions.
“We…didn’t even talk to your father yet. Your brothers…”, you tried to reason with him.
He just smiled back.
“We’re in the middle of war, and your name was just cleared in Ul’dah. You’re not a wanted person anymore. I ‘ve been thinking about this for a long time now, since we were together at Camp Dragonhead.”
“You did?”, you smiled back, delighted by it. “But…why now?”, you asked, caressing his hand with yours.
He kissed your forehead gently.
“Well, first…we can die tomorrow.”, he started and laughed at your mad face at this. “Second…and most important, the marriage of the Warrior of Light…it’ll be something huge.” You frowned at that and he caressed your face, soothing you. “You can’t avoid that. You’re that big. But if we just sneak by ourselves…we could have a moment just for us.”
You thought about that. He was right. Things were complicated at Ishgard, but it was not something you could solve in a day. And truth was you hated all the attention your title brought to you. He was your heart. You wanted to marry him, to be with him as much as you could. You’d never turn your back to the people who depended on you and to Hydaelyn. But you missed the times when you could just…be you. Just a girl in love, just a woman marrying the love of her life.
You had turned to him, tracing his face with your fingers, seeing how that pleased him while he closed his eyes, smiling.
“You’re crazy you know that?”, you just stated. And that was your answer to his proposal.
You feel dizzy again, and kneels on the floor, tears starting to drop without stop. You bite your lip in rage, and open your eyes when your move makes your necklace drops from your neck, revealing your engagement ring. You both could always find each other on the aether with them. You could always teleport to his side with it, after you had gotten married. Now, you hold it till your hand bleeds, trying to reach him, but nothing happens.
You feel the darkness spreading through your heart. You remember faintly about that strange person you knew the morning after Haurchefant’s death. Fray was his name. He looked like a corpse on the Brume, have been beaten by the same corrupted system that killed your love, but when you knelt beside him to check, he was alive and took your hand. You had listened to a voice and fainted right there. You were in so much pain and that voice resounded with it in a way you just couldn’t bare. When you wake up, this Fray had helped you. He was surprised you had listen to this ‘voice’ and then had given you his Soul stone and his great sword, telling you that the name of what he was was a Dark Knight.
You could almost feel this voice again inside you. It talked about hate, pain and loss, and oh gods how were you suffering. For a moment you feared Alphinaud would find you dead in the morning. You couldn’t bare looking to your life without Haurchefant in it. “A smile better suits a hero…” were his last words. How could you smile if he was the reason behind your smiles all the time and he was gone?”
How could Hydaelyn let all of this happen to you, her champion? Blind in your rage, you go to your yard with the great sword you’ve been given. You feel it, this darkness that was almost physical. You want to put it out. You aim at the striking dummy Haurchefant so gladly had put in there so ‘you could train in happy times and not be lazy’ and attack it with all the rage you could. You continue doing that, tireless, feeling power in these attacks, imagining that if you had these skills before, Haurchefant wouldn’t had to protect you from that attack on the Vault, if you weren’t just a weak healer, he wouldn’t had to put his life in front of yours. If you just had a stronger body. Just…more power. You plunge into the darkness till your tears dry up and your mind goes blank. You feel sick and tired, and you just…black out.