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I. Summer
Your hair streaked with sunlight, your lips red as flame
The intense summer sun filtered through the forest’s canopy, the streaks of gold shifting and shimmering with the breeze. All was quiet except the rustle of the leaves and the occasional birdsong. Alex rode at a gentle pace, trying not to let the softness of it all lull him into a false sense of security. His only job there was to be alert, after all.
Alex glanced over at Prince Henry, the reason he got to be out here in the first place, instead of standing guard inside the grand yet stuffy castle. The prince had wanted to go for an afternoon ride during an unexpected break in his royal schedule, and since it was Henry, Alex had dropped everything to accompany him. To keep him safe.
Prince Henry had actually requested Alex first, which was a logical choice, Alex reminded himself. He knew he was one of the top knights in the kingdom, and was highly trusted by the royal family, having served them loyally for years. That logic never stopped Alex’s heart from skipping a beat whenever Henry asked for him specifically.
Alex turned back to the path ahead, willing himself not to blush like a schoolboy. He couldn’t allow himself to get distracted by golden hair ruffled by the wind, lips and cheeks flushed from the warm air, or sparkling eyes bluer than the sky above. Even if it wasn’t highly inappropriate for a servant of the royal family to admire the prince in such a way, it prevented him from fulfilling his duty of protecting him, which would always be his first priority.
This wasn’t Alex’s first time accompanying Prince Henry on a ride, so he knew that he preferred silence. He liked to use his rides as much-needed alone time, and since his position didn’t allow him to ever truly be alone, Alex always did his best to blend into the background, giving the prince as much space as was safe.
However, today seemed to be different. When Alex tried to drift behind, Prince Henry slowed his horse to match. Alex would never ride in front of someone he’s protecting, lest there be an attack from behind, so he accepted that maybe Prince Henry didn’t want to pretend to be alone this time.
They still rode in silence, just side by side. Eventually they reached a clearing, the spot where they would normally pause to let the horses drink in the nearby creek before turning back. As they did so this time, though, Prince Henry hesitated.
“Could we stay here for a bit?”
Alex had learned over the years to suppress his reactions to being surprised or startled, but if he hadn’t, he knew that he would’ve jumped in that moment. Prince Henry’s voice was deep and settled into Alex’s bones, no matter how shy he sounded in that moment.
“Of course, Your Highness,” Alex said. “We can stay as long as you like.”
Alex hobbled their horses so they could still drink from the creek and graze around the clearing during their break. When he was done, Prince Henry was sitting on the bank, staring into the water. He approached slowly, trying his best to find the right spot to stand that would allow him to fully protect the prince without disturbing him.
Until said prince opened his eyes and, looking back at Alex, whispered, “Come sit with me?”
Alex should respectfully decline. He should explain how him sitting would make them both vulnerable. He should tell the prince not to worry about him. But it was Henry, his blue eyes pulling him in, and Alex couldn’t deny him anything.
Your face with a luster that puts gold to shame
Asking Alex to sit next to him was a bad idea, Henry decided.
He just didn’t want his knight to have to stand for an indefinite period of time, but now, instead of relaxing in this rare moment of peace, he was focusing on not staring.
Alex was radiant in the summer sun. His tanned skin practically glowed, drawing Henry in unlike anyone or anything he had ever seen. He only ever wanted to look at Alex, which was precisely why he couldn’t allow himself to look at Alex.
Henry had always known that he liked boys in the way he was supposed to like girls, or required to like girls, given his position. His family had always made it clear that someday he would marry a princess. Once his older brother began courting his now-wife, Henry’s future bride was mentioned more and more often. It seemed like everyone was trying to reassure him in some way, from his grandmother reminding him that he would soon be old enough to start courting to his parents offering to help him find a suitable princess if he couldn’t decide on his own.
Things only got worse for Henry once Alex came into the picture.
Henry knew Alex had worked at the castle for a while before they met. Only experienced knights were allowed into a royal’s personal protection unit, and though Alex was quite a bit younger than the other knights in Henry’s inner circle, his abilities surpassed the rest, in Henry’s opinion. Not only was he strong, agile, and skilled with multiple kinds of weapons, he also was able to make Henry feel safe in a way the other knights couldn’t. A deep sense of security that went beyond feeling like a statue behind glass.
The only person that knew about Henry’s infatuation with Alex was Pez, the court jester, the only non-noble that Henry was allowed to have a personal relationship with. And through Pez, Henry heard most of the servants’ gossip, including that Alex had his pick of basically any eligible person in the castle–not that he needed Pez to tell him that. Alex was kind, honorable, beautiful. Henry couldn’t think of a single reason for anyone not to want him.
So sitting with Alex alone in the middle of a forest was seriously testing Henry’s self control.
For as much as he failed not to think about Alex’s hair, eyes, arms, lips, Henry managed not to ogle him the whole time they sat by the creek. But then Alex stood and spoke.
“We should probably start heading back, Your Highness. I believe you are to be meeting your family for dinner soon.”
Henry looked back and saw Alex turn to fetch their horses. Panic rose in his chest. Sitting alone with Alex was a peaceful, sweet sort of torture that he didn’t want to end and before he knew what he was doing he was standing and–
“Wait.”
Alex turned back around, looking at Henry with the most adorably confused expression he had ever seen.
“Your Highness?” Henry barely heard Alex ask, more focused on the movement of his lips.
It seemed that Henry’s self control had all been spent and lost on the bank of the creek. As if pulled by an invisible force, he walked to Alex, their slight height difference allowing him to look down into his wide eyes.
“Your Highness?” Alex asked again, this time in a whisper. Henry brought his hand to Alex’s cheek, cradling his face like it was more precious than all the gold and jewels of his crown.
Henry felt like he wasn’t in control of his body as he leaned down and brushed his lips against Alex’s. As soon as they made contact, it was like an electric shock brought him back to life. Henry leapt back as if it had burned him.
“Your… Your Highness?” Alex said, voice barely audible.
“Sir Alex, I–” Henry started, too loud for the moment. He tried again, quieter, blinking away tears. “Sir Alex, I am so sorry.”
“Your High–”
“I don’t know what came over me, I know I shouldn’t have done that–”
“Your–”
“–I should’ve realized that you would’ve thought you couldn’t say no, and you are probably so disgusted and you have every right to be, and I will authorize your transfer to another unit, and I–”
“PRINCE HENRY!”
Henry stopped and opened his eyes. He hadn’t realized he’d closed them. He quickly wiped away his tears to see that Alex had come closer. Much closer.
“I…” Alex paused, biting his lip. Henry could see the inner conflict on his face. “I liked it, Your Highness.”
Henry felt like he had walked face-first into a stone wall. “You… what?”
“I wanted it,” Alex said, slightly more confidently. “Did you?”
As Henry gazed down at Alex, he knew that no words could ever properly answer that question. So instead, he captured the knight’s lips again.
It started gentle, tentative, as if Alex was going to shove him away at any moment and never speak to him again. But when he felt Alex softly kissing him back, Henry couldn’t restrain himself any longer.
He wrapped one arm around Alex’s waist, holding him as close as humanly possible. He brought his other hand up to tangle his fingers in Alex’s hair, turning his head to deepen the kiss.
Henry lost track of how much time he spent wrapped around Alex, any thoughts of dinner plans or royal duties long gone. But eventually, they had to break apart for air. Henry stared at the beautiful man in his arms with awe, wondering how he ever got to have this.
“Promise not to fire me, Highness?” Alex whispered, smirking.
Feeling as if he might float away from bliss, Henry laughed and met Alex’s lips once more, allowing the warmth to fill him completely.
II. Autumn
I’ve seen how you sparkle when fall nips the air
Alex looked especially beautiful against the colors of autumn, Henry found.
Summer had been a joyous, innocent time for them. Every moment with Alex healed the cracks inside Henry, deep from years of pressure, neglect, and hiding within himself. There were more opportunities for sneaking away, indulging in stolen kisses and private forest rides.
But now it was autumn, and it felt like Henry’s royal duties had been doubled. School was starting up again for the children of the kingdom, meaning more appearances, speeches, and dedications. It was nearing harvest time, meaning meetings with landowners and farmers trying to arrange sales to the palace. And it seemed to Henry that his family was punishing him for the time he spent in summer disappearing without explanation, as his autumn responsibilities seemed increased from previous years. He wasn’t the crown prince, but it felt like he was being trained as if he was.
All of this meant less time with Alex, which made moments like these, rare evenings off that allowed him to sneak out with his knight, all the more valuable.
They rode mostly in silence until they reached their clearing. Then Alex gave Henry that smile that was reserved only for him, and Henry could shed his prince persona and just be Alex’s for the time being.
The wind was not quite aggressive yet not quite gentle, tousling Alex’s curls, which wasn’t helped by Henry, who constantly felt the need to run his fingers through those very same curls. With his fairer skin tone, Henry definitely visibly blushed more often between the two, but tonight Alex’s cheeks were also flushed from the crisp air. Against the backdrop of brilliant scarlet and gold, he took Henry’s breath away. The entire world stood still.
Until an arrow whizzed past his head.
I know you in autumn and I must be there
In Alex’s mind, time froze the moment the arrow narrowly missed puncturing the side of Henry’s head. But his body didn’t need input from his mind to carry out his one duty. So without anything in his head besides desperate screaming to keep Henry safe, Alex turned to face the direction the arrow had come from, locked in on a masked figure popping out of a bush, unsheathed a small knife from his belt, and hurled it.
Right on target. It was over before you could say autumn.
If it were another royal Alex had been protecting, he would’ve left it at that. He knew his skills, and he saw the blade embed itself in the attacker’s head with his own eyes. The logical thing would be to bring his charge back to the safety of the castle and report the incident.
But Alex wasn’t thinking logically. It was Henry, and Alex was angry. He wasn’t taking any chances.
He charged towards the bush hiding their fallen foe, drawing his sword. He didn’t care to look if they were already dead before plunging it in their chest. He pulled it out, then stabbed their stomach for good measure.
The adrenaline finally subsiding, Alex took back his dagger and sheathed both it and his sword before returning to Henry, who was standing completely stock-still.
“Are you alright?” Alex asked softly, reaching out to grasp Henry’s hand like a lifeline. A lifeline for which one of them, he wasn’t sure.
“I’ve never seen you do that before,” Henry whispered.
“What, kill someone?” Alex frowned. “That wasn’t the first time, and it almost definitely won’t be the last.”
“I know,” Henry said, finally meeting Alex’s eyes. “And I know it’s your job, and I’m grateful, I am, and honestly that was quite impressive, but…”
“But what?”
“I guess I just wasn’t prepared to watch it happen. And to know I was the cause of it.”
Henry looked so fragile, so vulnerable, that Alex couldn’t help bringing him into his arms, then pulling back and staring fiercely into his eyes.
“First of all, you did not cause that person’s death. They caused it themselves by attacking a prince,” Alex said. “Second of all, I’m sorry that you had to see that. I know it can’t be pretty. But if someone attacks you again, you’ll probably have to watch something like that again. So sorry in advance, but I’ll always kill for you, baby.”
“But wasn’t there a, um,” Henry grimaced, "cleaner way to do it?”
“Maybe,” Alex admitted, “but I don’t always think clearly around you.”
Henry blushed. “Really?”
“Well yeah, I mean if I could think clearly around you, we probably wouldn’t be doing this in the first place.”
Alex’s eyes widened as soon as he processed what just came out of his mouth.
Henry’s frown was back. “What do you mean?”
And suddenly, all the emotions rushed into Alex. The secret joy of sneaking around with the prince. The fear of getting caught and losing his job–or worse–that he had been suppressing in order to enjoy the thrill and romance of it all. The unadulterated terror of watching Henry nearly be killed right in front of him. He couldn’t hold back the thoughts that had been swirling in his head since summer.
“Do you think this is easy for me, Henry? That being with you like this is just something I’m doing? It’s like I’m stuck in a trap of my own making! I know there’s no future for us. If anyone finds out, best case scenario I’m stripped of my knighthood and banished from the kingdom, worst case scenario the crown puts my head on a spike! And even if we manage to keep it a secret forever, eventually you’re going to have to marry some princess and I’ll just be your illegal lover, or maybe you’ll realize you’re better off without me weighing you down and you’ll toss me aside like the used servant I am.”
During his speech, Alex was gesticulating wildly, looking in every direction and not actually seeing. But now, chest heaving and eyes watering, Alex dared to look at Henry. When he saw his heartbroken eyes and wet cheeks, his own tears finally fell.
“But Henry, baby,” Alex whispered, exhausted but determined to push forward, “moments like these remind me why it’s all worth it. I’m terrified that at any moment, anything could take you from me or me from you. And when I’m truly faced with that possibility, I know I need to hold on for as long as possible. No matter what the crown would think or how many people I have to kill, no matter if it’s just a few more days or the rest of our lives, I’m holding on for as long as you’ll have me.”
Henry was silent, just staring at him with tears streaming down his face, though his expression was so unreadable that Alex was about to apologize and offer his resignation.
But before he could, he found himself swept up in strong arms, pulling him in as if to merge them into one.
“I’m so sorry,” Henry sobbed into his neck. “I’m so so sorry I didn’t realize you were feeling like this and that I didn’t do anything about it sooner. I knew when I first kissed you that I was asking a lot of you, and I know that if anything goes wrong, or even if everything goes right, this relationship will be harder for you than it is for me.”
Henry pulled away slightly to look him dead in the eyes. “It may be your job to protect me, and while I may not have the skills to kill for you, I promise I will protect you from the crown, and I swear that I will fight for us.”
III. Winter
And could I leave you running merrily through the snow?
Henry hadn’t come back.
That’s what his parents were telling a group of knights that had been called in for an urgent matter. That Henry had gone for a ride without telling anyone and hadn’t yet returned. A stableboy had seen him leave and thought he had been gone for quite a while, especially as sunset approached, and had alerted the guards, who had alerted the royal family. And thus a search party had been immediately organized.
Alex felt like he was going to be sick.
He barely managed to wait for them to be dismissed before rushing out to the stables. He ignored the calls from his peers as he mounted his horse, but paused when he heard the voice of Sir Shaan, who had been appointed the head of the search party.
“At least take a partner with you, Sir Alex.”
Alex halted his horse, hoping his restlessness wasn’t as obvious as it felt. “It’ll be easier to cover more ground faster by myself,” he said. “Don’t worry about me. I know these woods well.”
Sir Shaan gave him a look he couldn’t quite decipher, but nodded after a moment.
More thankful to the senior knight than he could ever express, Alex urged his horse into the forest as fast as was responsible in the current conditions. When standing, the horse’s hooves were completely submerged in the snow, and more was coming down by the second. All the branches were lined with ice and sparkled in the setting sun. It would’ve been beautiful if Alex looked at any of it, but all he could see was where Henry wasn’t.
It was mostly instinct that brought Alex to the spot he knew, he prayed, Henry would be. The snow was piled higher in the clearing than in the rest of the forest, with no trees to catch the falling flakes.
As he looked around frantically, Alex’s horse whinnied, head jerking to the left. Alex looked over and saw another horse–Henry’s horse, he realized with a start–tied to a nearby tree.
He guided his horse over and dismounted as quickly as he could without falling into the snow. He didn’t bother with tying or hobbling, as the two horses had become friends through he and Henry’s frequent rides, and he trusted that his wouldn’t run off if the other was tied up. And the horses weren’t his priority, finding Henry was.
Thankfully, he didn’t have to venture far. He made his way over to the frozen creek, and there, tucked into the piles of snow along the bank, was Henry.
Alex fell to his knees next to him. He took off his gloves and grabbed Henry’s face. His skin was freezing cold and much paler than usual. His lips were blue and chapped. His eyes were closed.
Alex was willing himself not to cry, as tears freezing on his face and around his eyes would not be helpful in this situation, when he felt a warm puff of air on his fingers. He’s breathing. He’s alive.
Though Alex was way more trained in the art of killing people than saving them, he knew he needed to get Henry back to the castle as quickly as possible, and the only way he could do that on his own was by waking him up. He tried everything he could think of. He shook him by the shoulders, gently at first, then harder, then quite vigorously. He slapped his cheeks, following the same progression of intensity as the shaking. He leaned down and blew on his face while trying to pinch him through his coat. Finally, as a last-ditch effort, he kissed him.
It was like one of those stupid fairytales his mother read to him as a child. As he bent over, pressing his warm lips to Henry’s cold ones, straining due to the odd angle, he felt eyelashes flutter across his cheek.
Pulling back from shock, he nearly fell over when he saw Henry’s blue eyes staring back at him.
He actually fell over when Henry launched himself at him.
“Alex! You’re here!”
Alex let out a sigh of relief at Henry’s voice, which sounded way more energetic and happy than it should in the given circumstances.
“Hi, Hen.”
Henry pulled away just as suddenly as he had grabbed him, but still kept his hands at Alex’s shoulders as he shot him a blinding grin. “Run away with me, Alex.”
Alex blinked. “Um, what?”
“Let’s run away together!” Henry said, excited and innocent like a child. “You came on a horse, right? I have a horse too! We can leave and never come back!”
“Henry, darling, you’re delirious,” Alex said, trying to ignore the glimmer of hope he felt from the ludicrous request. “We need to get you back to the castle to warm up.”
“NO!” This time Henry fully pulled away. “I’m not going back.”
“I know it’s not our favorite place, but–”
“Don’t make me go back, Alex!” Henry was clearly begging now. “Please, I’ll do anything, please–”
“Baby, please don’t cry, your tears will freeze,” Alex said, bringing his hands up to steady Henry and wipe his eyes. “Can you tell me what happened? Why did you come out here?”
Henry hiccupped and looked down. “I don’t want to go back.”
“Why, Henry? What happened?”
Henry still refused to meet his eyes. “I… I’ve been betrothed.”
As the words settled into the snow, Alex felt like he could cry all over again. But he held it together. He had to. For Henry.
“I guess my grandmother was getting impatient,” he continued. “My parents just told me they’ve found a princess they think is suitable. She’s from a nearby kingdom that has resources that we don’t and apparently she’s really nice…”
Henry trailed off before finally making eye contact. “But I don’t want to marry her. I want to marry you.”
Winter be damned, Alex could have melted right then and there.
“Baby, I understand, I want to marry you too,” he whispered, smiling when Henry smiled. “But no matter how sad or scary the news was, it was dangerous to come out here alone.”
Henry sighed and slumped over into Alex, who caught him with open arms. “Maybe, but I knew you would find me.”
Or on a wintry evening when you catch the fire’s glow?
“He should be just fine after he warms up.”
Henry was tucked into a plush armchair in front of a roaring fireplace, blankets wrapped around him and piled on top of him. After Alex had somehow managed to bring him and both their horses back to the castle, he had been whisked away to be seen by the royal family’s doctor. His family had been quite pushy, but the doctor assured them that all Henry needed was rest and warmth.
Now, as the doctor left, Henry was left alone with his mother, who he refused to look at.
“Henry, dear–”
“Send for Sir Alex,” Henry said with a clipped tone.
The silence stretched out for a moment or two.
“I guess that makes sense,” she sighed. “I suppose you want to thank him personally now that you’re feeling alert.”
Another pause, then Henry heard the door creak open and shut, then the shuffling of footsteps.
“Henry.”
That was faster than Henry was expecting. He wondered briefly if Alex had been waiting outside his door this whole time.
Alex stepped into view and knelt next to his chair, eyes soft and glistening.
“I’m sorry I scared you,” Henry whispered.
“Shh, don’t apologize,” Alex said. “I’m just glad you’re okay.”
“Stay with me?”
Alex nodded with a smile warmer than the fire illuminating his features.
Henry, feeling safe for the first time all day, let himself drift off to sleep.
IV. Spring
Knowing how in springtime, I’m bewitched by you so?
“Sir Alex left, Your Highness.”
Henry stared at Sir Shaan as if he had grown a second head.
“E-Excuse me?”
“Sir Alex informed me that he has decided to go on an indefinite leave of absence,” the knight explained. “He left the castle this morning.”
It had only been a few months since Henry had been betrothed to the nearby princess, but the wedding planning had proceeded at a seemingly accelerated pace. Maybe Henry was imagining it because of how much he was dreading it, but he could’ve sworn that his family was pushing it along like this just to torture him.
But he knew however painful it was for him, it was equally as painful for Alex. It was all of their worst fears come true, come much sooner than they had anticipated. Henry had tried his best to reassure Alex, to make it seem like he had it all under control, but he didn’t, and it wasn’t enough.
“He left,” Henry repeated. “Do you have any idea where he’s gone?”
“I don’t, I’m sorry, Your Highness.”
Henry closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “It’s alright, Sir Shaan. Thank you for telling me.”
“Of course, Your Highness.”
Henry left the knights’ wing feeling like a shell of himself. He couldn’t believe Alex would leave, let alone without saying goodbye.
Goodbye. The word made him want to throw up. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Alex, to say goodbye to the love he thought he would never get to have, the love that he would now do anything to keep.
Love. Henry had realized that he was falling in love with Alex a long time ago. He knew he had been falling in love from the moment they met. But he never got the chance to tell him.
Henry suddenly grew furious. At Alex, for leaving. At Sir Shaan, for not stopping him. At the crown, for forcing them apart. At the princess he hadn’t even met yet, for being the one he had to marry against his will.
The anger sparked a flame of determination inside him. He wouldn’t let Alex get away, not like this. Not before Henry could tell him that he loves him.
He ran as fast as he could to the stables, brushing past confused servants and bewildered guards. Leaping onto his horse, he rode faster than the wind to the place that made him feel safe when the castle didn’t feel like home anymore.
Just as he had hoped, a curly haired man stood in the middle of the clearing. A familiar horse was loosely tied up nearby, a stuffed bag strapped to the saddle.
Henry was transfixed. The grass seemed greener where Alex stood. The trees were blooming with pink and white flowers all around them, like a barrier between the outside world and this spot, their spot. The sunlight was hazy, making it look like a dream.
“Alex.”
The man spun around, eyes wide. Henry’s stomach dropped when he saw the tear tracks.
“Y-Your Highness.”
Henry could have cried too.
“Don’t call me that.” Henry dismounted, letting his ride venture over to Alex’s horse. They greeted each other with a friendly nicker. Henry wished Alex would give him at least that.
“Don’t come closer,” Alex said as Henry stepped forward. “Please don’t make this harder than it already is.”
“Alex, please,” Henry begged, frozen in place. He was torn between respecting Alex’s wishes, no matter how much they tore him up, and holding him and never letting him go. “Please come back to me.”
“Why?” Alex’s voice broke, fresh tears streaming down his cheeks. “You’re getting married in a few weeks. We need to end this now. We should have ended it a long time ago.”
“You don’t mean that,” Henry said. “Alex, you are the best part of my miserable, controlled life. I can’t imagine my life without you. Even if… even if you don’t want to be with me anymore, please don’t leave.”
Alex was silent.
“Please,” Henry sobbed. “Please, Alex, please stay. I can’t live without you.”
Alex still didn’t speak. Henry took a deep breath and prepared to confess it all, to do what he came here to do, even when faced with imminent rejection.
“I’m in love with you, Alex.”
No, never could I leave you at all
Alex’s eyes snapped up to Henry’s face at those six words.
Looking into those blue eyes, that confession echoing in his head, Alex realized three things.
- He was undoubtedly, irreversibly, head-over-heels in love with Henry.
- He could never say no to Henry, no matter how much pain it caused him.
- He could never bring himself to leave Henry.
Or maybe he already knew all of those things. Maybe he just wasn’t willing to face them until he knew Henry loved him back.
So ignoring the voice of logic in his head, telling him to run from this lifetime of longing and heartbreak, Alex chose to run to the love of his life and hold on.