Work Text:
1979
It’s been a year since James moved in with Lily. After graduating from Hogwarts, he’s gotten pretty much everything he dreamed of when he was still a schoolboy, and Lily still seemed like a distant dream to him. Someone he knew he could never have, but still would keep on trying, because the word unattainable was not part of his vocabulary.
When things didn’t go his way, he could always vent to Sirius about it. Sirius would always make him feel like he could do anything, and that was exactly how he wanted to feel.
And when he finally reached his great goal and had Lily finally say yes to him, Sirius was the one he wanted to share his happiness with.
It was always Sirius he needed to make things feel like they should. To make life taste like it should. Sirius had always been there for him. He had always been an everyday part of James' life – a part of him. He couldn’t imagine a life where it wasn’t so.
Still, he had to learn it the hard way.
Be careful what you wish for.
Now that he’s actually living every day with Lily, he finds himself longing for the moment he can see Sirius again. He still needs Sirius to share every single bit of his life with, because without him, nothing just feels quite the same.
It feels strange, almost wrong, that Sirius isn’t there every day now. James has tried getting used to not having Sirius around all the time, like he used to be at school. They both have their own lives to live now; James’ is with Lily, and Sirius’ life is probably somewhere else, with someone else. Sirius has a life James knows very little about, these days. Too little to his liking.
They still have some things in common. They have Wizarding War, the Order and their secret missions and tasks together, but even though they’re still a good team, things just don’t feel the same as in the good old days.
The good old days, James thinks, laughing bitterly to himself. It feels like he’s some old fart whose life happened ages ago, and now everything’s suddenly over. That’s how it feels like, thinking of all those years back at Hogwarts, when he spent all his waking hours with Sirius, and a most nights too. He remembers, how Sirius used to come to his bed at night, and they talked until morning, or until they both fell asleep.
They were laughing so hard when they heard, that people were talking about them. It was rumored, that they were secretly in love, and James was just covering it up by faking a crush on Lily. They had so much fun about it. They even faked to be actually dating for a while, just for the hell of it.
Now that he has left all that behind, to live a decent, grown-up life, James can’t help the ungrateful feeling, that there’s an empty spot in his life, and empty spot in him where Sirius used to be.
*
Right here and now, James is happy. It’s one of those nights he has managed to sneak out alone with Sirius after an Order meeting, without having to explain his absence to Lily. At least, not yet.
Although, depending on how long the evening will become, he might end up having to give Lily some good excuses. But James will not worry about it until tomorrow.
At this moment, he can’t bring himself to worry about anything. He will have all time in the world to worry about everything later. For now all he can think about is, that he’s leaning his body against the back of Sirius' leather jacket. He’s sitting behind him on his motorbike, thoroughly enjoying the fact, that Sirius is driving way too fast, neither of them are wearing helmets, and they have the muggle cops after them once again. As they’ve had so many times before.
Sirius knows the way to turn muggle police chases into art. Every now and then Sirius lets them almost too close, only to mislead them again. Sometimes he drives into dead ends just to let the cops think they got them. But as they come to the end of the alley, Sirius and James are already far away. It has always been like that, ever since Sirius finally fulfilled his own dream after graduation, and bought himself this bike with his dead uncle’s money.
James' dream was a life together with Lily, or so he thought.
But sitting here, holding onto Sirius' waist just a little tighter than is necessary, he’s forced to reconsider, even if it scares him. When he presses his nose against Sirius' shoulder, when he smells his familiar scent - a combination of leather jacket, gasoline, cigarettes and his familiar aftershave – it is the very smell, that for James represents being alive.
This very moment sums up what it means for James to really live.
*
In the wee hours of the night, they sit in one of the seedy little muggle pubs, that the suburbs of London are flooded with. That's something they always do, even if it isn't very wise these days. Lily would go berserk if she found out James was doing it again. After all, times are what they are, and the Death Eaters could walk in at any moment. But Sirius has never been bothered by a little risk, and James doesn’t let it bother him, either.
Tonight, Sirius is quieter than usual. He’s sitting across from James at the small corner table, which is so sticky, that it’s wisest not to lean on it. He’s staring at his pint, and lazily sipping his beer every now and then. He doesn’t talk much, and he’s a lot less smiley than James is used to.
It feels unnerving to him. It feels as if Sirius is slipping further away from him, and he doesn’t know what’s going through his head anymore. Maybe he has another fling, which isn’t going too well, James thinks. Or, what if it’s going a little too well? What if one day Sirius no longer exists just for James? The thought of it pisses him off very deeply. Even though he knows full well how selfish it is to want to keep Sirius to himself only.
He wants to cheer Sirius up at any cost. He takes a sip from his pint and grins widely.
"Jeez, Pads", he says dramatically. "It was some chase again. Lily would lose her mind if she ever found out what we were up to."
"Yeah, I guess she would”, Sirius says, and lazily lits a cigarette.
"It's sometimes so unnerving to see, how Lily wants me to live my life”, James rants. “I mean – sometimes I feel like she wants me to act like some middle-aged family guy – someone who carefully weighs the risks of his every fucking step! But I’m still nineteen, for fuck’s sake! I can’t turn into something like that just yet, can I?”
"No, I guess you can’t”, Sirius replies, and his face still shows no emotion, other than something that looks like boredom to James.
Fuck this. Sirius has never, ever been bored with James before this. It rings an alarm in James' head. He needs to do something. Anything. He needs to make Sirius wake up somehow.
"I can't believe I’m actually going to marry her sometime soon”, he sighs, trying to make it sound as dramatic as possible.
"That’s right", Sirius says, flicking ash from his cigarette. "That you are."
"Seriously, Pads! The wedding is in a few weeks! Jus a few fucking weeks, Pads! To be honest, the whole idea terrifies me. What if I pass out or something?”
"You won’t pass out" Sirius says, and his gaze seems to avert James’ eyes.
“Maybe not, but only because you’ll be there with me. I’m lucky to have you.”
James tries to look Sirius in the eyes, but it doesn't work, because Sirius is keeping his eyes firmly on the surface of the table. Then, they just sit in silence for way too long. Sirius doesn’t say a thing. He just finishes his pint quickly, puts it down on the table with too much force, and gets up.
"Right. I think I'm going home now", he says, and swipes off the ash he accidentally spilled on his clothes.
"What? What the fuck, Pads?”
James is scared. Sirius is never the one who’s in a hurry to get home. No, Sirius is always the one who wants to have one more beer. That makes James' worry rise to a whole new level.
"Can't I get you another one?” he asks, trying to hide the slight quivering in his voice.
"I don’t think so", Sirius says curtly. "I’ve got things to do tomorrow, and I think you have, too.”
"Sit down now, for fuck’s sake, Padfoot!" James cries, hastily grabbing Sirius by the wrist. The gesture makes Sirius wince, but he sits back down anyway.
"Uh, maybe you should stop calling me that," Sirius sighs, looking even more bored than before.
"What?" James flinches. "Why? That’s what I always call you!”
"Exactly", Sirius says coolly. "Maybe you shouldn’t do that anymore. We were, what, fourteen when we started calling each other by those names. And now we’re supposed to be grown-ups. You’re soon to be married and everything.”
James breathes heavily and stares at Sirius speechless, in complete disbelief. How could he say that? Is he saying their years together no longer mean a thing to him?
“Sirius. Let's have another beer, and then you tell me what the hell is wrong with you."
"Nothing’s wrong with me."
"Liar. You've been acting damn weird all evening."
Sirius huffs at him in a way, that isn't a yes or a no.
*
Sirius lets James fetch them one more beer, and sits back onto the table waiting for him. James returns to the table, sets the pints in front of them and feels oddly nervous as he looks at his friend. He’s sitting there, his leather jacket still on, his arms crossed on his chest, his black hair half covering his beautiful face. James wants to brush his hair aside, so he could see Sirius better.
Suddenly, he’s in a full-blown panic. A wedding coming up, an angry Lily at home waiting for him. Sirius sitting there, looking like that, telling him he doesn’t want to be called Padfoot anymore. James feels a lump rise in his throat, and it refuses to go away.
"Sirius, tell me what’s wrong."
"Nothing’s wrong, as I already told you. Why would something be wrong?"
“Because you're… well, like that. Something’s bothering you, and I need to know what it is. Otherwise, I will go out of my mind.”
Sirius gives James a challenging, almost hostile look. He drops his almost full pint on the table with such force, that it sways menacingly. Beer spills from James' pint onto the table and into his lap.
“Well, fuck this”, Sirius snaps. “If you want to hear this so much, then so be it. But remember you asked for this.”
"Spit it out", James says tensely, and meets Sirius' sharp gaze, as if preparing for a fight. Sirius is now visibly pissed off.
"Well, I’m just thinking, that if you're so goddamn anxious about married life, has it ever occurred to you, that it might actually mean something?"
Sirius' words come out cold, but at the same time his voice breaks, revealing something else to James as well.
"What are you saying?" he asks, so astonished that he can’t even get mad.
"I’m saying, that if it bothers you so much all the time, then maybe that’s a sign of something. Maybe you should listen to it.”
"Are you kidding me, Pads – Sirius?" James asks, more quietly than before.
He feels really weird. It’s as if Sirius sees him as someone a lot more childish than himself. It feels unfair, having Sirius look at him that way.
"You can’t afford to criticize me. You haven't even been dating the same person for more than a few weeks at a time", he throws at Sirius’ face, as if in revenge for his insult.
"Exactly”, Sirius says with a sigh, giving James a weary look.
"And what do you mean by that?”
"I mean, you shouldn't commit to someone if you don't really feel like doing so."
James looks at Sirius in despair. This is apparently not going to lead them anywhere, except for a dead end, of which there’s no way out. Why is Sirius this weird now, all of the sudden? James’ panic mode is taking over him completely.
“Be more specific”, he snaps. “What are you really trying to say here?”
"What if you didn't marry Lily?”
“Sirius… what? What did you just say?” James asks. His hand reaches for Sirius' across the table, but he pulls his hands away.
"You heard me. I said I don’t think you should marry Lily.”
James wants to ask him more questions. More than anything else he wants to know why Sirius is saying things like that. But by the time he opens his mouth to speak, Sirius is already gone. James only sees his back disappearing out the door.
*
James runs after Sirius, and catches him at the end of the seedy little street, where they left Sirius’ bike. He grabs Sirius by the arm with such force, that he staggers against him. Sirius tries to break away from him, but he holds on tight and refuses to let go of him.
“Gods, Padf- Sirius. You can't just say things like that, and then walk away and leave me to it.” James has unknowingly stepped quite close to Sirius, his hand still clutching the sleeve of his leather jacket.
"Can't I?" Sirius asks and tries to pull away, but James grabs him with his other hand as well.
"Well, no!” he yelled. “Talk to me, Sirius. So… you don’t want me to marry Lily?”
"No, not really. If I'm being completely honest."
James swallows hard. Sirius' gaze stays on him, no longer averting his eyes. Sirius' face is pretty close to his now.
"Then why didn't you say anything before now?" James’ voice is very quiet and shaking.
"It's not that easy."
Sirius says it like it’s a simple matter, but the look on his face still speaks of an inner struggle. It makes James feel a sudden tenderness, because he never wants Sirius to feel bad. At least, not because of him.
"Could you give me an honest answer..." James whispers. “What exactly feels most wrong about it to you? Is it just that we can no longer be like before, you know, young and free, and do whatever we like? Or…"
"Fuck, I shouldn't have said anything”, Sirius sighs as if to himself.
Then, all of a sudden, he kisses James.
Sirius' lips press against James' surprised mouth, angry and extremely gentle at the same time. James' arms wrap around Sirius as if they have a will of their own. Rain is slowly falling down on them, and that too feels just right, as does everything else in this very moment. This is where James knows he’s always supposed to be. That's exactly where he wants Sirius, too.
Then, the moment is gone.
"You know exactly, why it feels so fucked up to me”, Sirius says hoarsely, and tries to turn away.
"You're not going to just walk away!" James cries, his voice breaking. He feels like he can't let Sirius walk away from him now.
“Don't do this, James. You don't want this.”
"I do! I damn right want this! Why didn't you—if you wanted me—why the fuck have you never said anything?”
"Why indeed?" Sirius asks weakly, and James can see that he’s crying. Hell, Sirius never cries.
“Let me go now. This is something you have to figure out for yourself. I might be in love with you, and I might have always loved you, but it's not enough. I'm not going to be something you just run to in your little wedding panic, Prongs.”
James can’t do anything but to stare at Sirius and try to gasp for breath, that catches his throat. He only has a second or two to think of a way to make everything clear to Sirius, even though he can barely think himself. But he damn right has to try.
"It's not like that, I swear it isn't - if I had any idea, that you wanted -"
“No, James. You have to think of what you want, and make it clear to yourself. And until you do… please do not contact me. At all.”
James no longer dares to say anything against that. He has to let Sirius go, even though it’s the hardest thing he’s ever had to do.
*
Two weeks have passed. Two interminably long weeks, during which James finally dares to let himself answer the question of why life with Sirius has always felt like the only way for him to live.
He knows now, why things only felt like something, when he was able to share them with Sirius. He understands, why for the past year, he has felt like life wouldn't be worth much, if Sirius wouldn’t share it with him every day.
James knows, why he has felt so panicked about his forthcoming marriage.
Of course, he has also had some explaining to do with Lily. When he confessed all this to her, she was not so surprised. That made James feel bad about himself, because he felt like the lousiest person alive, knowing how much he had hurt someone he really cared about.
It still isn't the worst part. The very worst part of it all is realizing, how much he has hurt Sirius, and for how long it has been going on. He had caused a lot of pain to someone he has loved since he was too young even to give a name to such a feeling. He has never understood Sirius has felt that way, but now he feels like he should have known. For years and years, he has believed he and Sirius have shared everything, and that he has known Sirius better than he knows himself. But now it turns out he still has a lot to learn.
Sirius has been avoiding him for these two weeks, as he said he would. It has been torture. It has also been the longest time they have ever spent without any contact with each other since they were eleven. Sirius has arranged his shifts in the Order so, that he hasn’t had to face James, not even when changing shifts. He hasn’t tried to talk to James through the mirrors, not once, and he hasn’t stopped by to meet him, like he used to.
These have really been the longest and most agonizing two weeks of James' life.
Now he is standing outside Sirius' door, ringing his doorbell. He has been there for a while, but Sirius hasn’t come to let him in. James still knows he’s at home, even though there’s no sound to be heard from inside, and even though the windows are dark. Yet he knows he’s there. It’s one of those things, that they both just know, sharing this connection deep enough to tell them when the other is somewhere close.
Then, regardless of the fact, that it's completely inappropriate, and against all the laws of the wizarding world, James apparates inside Sirius' apartment.
"Sirius?" he calls softly, but gets no answer.
He peeks into the kitchen, then into the living room, even in the bathroom, but when Sirius is nowhere to be seen, there is only one place left, where he can be.
James carefully opens the bedroom door, steps in and sees a figure on the bed. He’s there in the dark, lying in his bed, crawled into a ball. James sits down on Sirius’ bedside.
Sirius doesn’t flinch or even move. Of course he must know it’s just James, and no Death Eaters. Maybe Sirius even has known to expect this, or whatever, but at least he doesn't make a move to run away, when James settles on the bed next to him, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him close.
"I’m here now", he whispers into Sirius' neck.
"Yes, there you are", he replies in a very quiet, broken voice.
"I can leave if you don't want me here", James chokes out, and feels the warm tears running down his cheeks and into Sirius' hair, but he doesn't care. He only cares about Sirius, and nothing else.
Sirius grabs his hand with both hands, but says nothing.
"I just wanted you to know, that I am completely and utterly yours, if you still want me. It's all clear to me now, and I do know that I've been too fucking stupid for my own good, and for way too long. I understand if you can't forgive me for that. But regardless of that, or anything, I love you. My stupid heart can't help but love you. That's how it's been all along. If only I had the courage to admit it sooner.”
Sirius' entire body freezes in place for a moment. James also holds his breath. The moment lasts for many, long seconds.
Then Sirius turns around. He’s so close, that his nose is touching James’. James doesn't dare to move, not even breathe, because he fears, that it might make Sirius disappear. Sirius' fingers find their way to the back of James's neck, gently soothing his skin. He caresses James’ hair on the back of his neck in pleasurable slow movements. When Sirius finally kisses him, James feels like he could cry, and he probably does.
But regardless, he holds onto Sirius tighter, wrapping his both arms around his shaky body.
"You don't ever have to ask me if I want you", Sirius says after a while, as they lay there breathless, completely tangled up in each other.
“No?”
“No. It’s not even a matter of choice. It's like asking me if I need to breathe or not.”
"Oh, is that so?" James asks, gently biting Sirius’ lower lip.
"Yes. And listen... how about you still called me Padfoot?"
*