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“Mayoi? Are you feeling unwell?” Tatsumi looked worried, and Mayoi cursed himself inwardly for making the other feel anxious. He wasn’t sure why Tatsumi was worried on his behalf, but any sort of making the other uneasy was unacceptable. But Mayoi had been off. For the whole practice. He just couldn’t get Aira’s words out of his head. In the end, the unit had barely gotten anything done, and decided to end practice early. Mayoi felt terrible.
But he just couldn’t understand what Aira had said. It made sense for other people, it was even sweet. But for him?
Well, if anyone could help, it was Tatsumi. He was knowledgeable, right? Of course he was, Mayoi shouldn’t even question that. Scum like him should never have the audacity to question the intelligence of other people, especially not of Tatsumi.
“O-oh… I’m fine. It’s just…Tatsumi…” Mayoi looked at the floor as he spoke. “You said I could ask you anything, right?”
“Of course, Mayoi. Is something troubling you? I’ll do my best to help.”
Mayoi bit his lip at the priest’s words. Anything. Mayoi didn’t deserve the trust Tatsumi had given him. The mint-haired idol was too kind. To give filth like Mayoi his attention, to trust him when he didn’t deserve it. Mayoi was less than filth. He was worthless. Why did Tatsumi trust him at all ?
“Mayoi? Are you alright?”
Mayoi jumped as he remembered where he was. Not only was he pathetic, he was wasting Tatsumi’s time. This was a stupid idea. Why had he been such an idiot? He should leave. Mayoi muttered an apology and turned away from the other, hoping to flee from the terrible situation he had put them in, but he felt a grip on his arm.
“Mayoi. Please don’t go. I’m here to listen.”
Tatsumi was… holding his hand? Mayoi inhaled quickly, attempting to pull it back. “Y-you shouldn’t touch me! You’ll be infected, someone pure like you shouldn’t be anywhere near me! I’m sorry, I should just go!”
But Tatsumi didn’t let go. His grip wasn’t strong, and Mayoi knew he could have left if he really wanted to. But he didn’t. He was selfish and disgusting, but he still desired the affection Tatsumi always gave. He didn’t deserve to be held so tenderly. But every time the priest looked at him, in that soft way that was so Tatsumi, some cruel, twisted part of him wanted to hide him and keep the look for himself forever. He was a monster. He knew he should have never acknowledged his feelings for the other, but once he had, he couldn’t lock them back up. No matter how much he tried. He wanted to hold Tatsumi to his chest and never let go, feel the warmth of his skin on his own, and kiss the moles on the side of his perfect face.
Oh. The moles.
“A-aira told me a story.” Mayoi’s voice trembled, but he figured he shouldn’t keep the other waiting any longer. Maybe Tatsumi would hate him. Maybe he should. Mayoi didn’t deserve love from someone so pure, he didn’t deserve love from anybody .
“Yes?” Tatsumi was still holding Mayoi’s hand, and he guided them both to a wall on the far side of the practice room. Aira and Hiiro had already left, and the two were the only people in the room. He pulled Mayoi down to the floor, clearing a space for them to sit.
Tatsumi felt Mayoi tense, but he soon relaxed into a sitting position.
“U-um, the story was about, um… Moles.”
Mayoi could see the slight confusion in the other’s face. Now that they were facing each other, Mayoi felt compelled to look at Tatsumi. His gaze was gentle, as always, but in it was concern. Mayoi cursed himself again, knowing he was the reason for it.
“The animal?”
“No! I-I’m sorry Tatsumi, I didn’t clarify well enough. You don’t even need to concern yourself with it, I can-”
“You’re right, I don’t need to. But I want to. I want to help, Mayoi.”
Mayoi’s breath hitched. Why? Why did Tatsumi want to help a horrid creature like him? Mayoi didn’t mean anything to him. He didn’t mean anything to anyone. And he couldn’t understand. But, for a reason unknown to himself, he continued.
“...The moles on my skin. Aira told me a story about them. He said that moles and freckles show where someone was kissed the most during their past life.”
His face burned, and he looked back down to his lap. He pulled his hands back (even if he regretted losing Tatsumi’s warmth) and began to fidget with his braid. It always calmed him down, and he could feel himself spiraling.
“But if that’s true, t-then I was kissed in my past life. I don’t understand.”
Mayoi could feel the priest’s eyes on him as he continued. Tatsumi cleared his throat quietly, before asking,
“Mayoi, I’m sorry, I’m confused. What don’t you understand?”
“I…” Mayoi’s voice quieted as he mumbled out the rest of his sentence. He knew Tatsumi wouldn’t be able to hear. Maybe he was hoping the other would accept that. But Mayoi knew he wouldn’t.
“I’m sorry, can you say that again? I couldn’t hear you completely.”
Mayoi wanted to shake his head, to tell Tatsumi that he shouldn’t apologize because Mayoi spoke too quietly, to get up and run to somewhere he could be alone. It was too much. Tatsumi would hate him.
But, he was weak, and he repeated himself.
“I don’t understand why someone would kiss me.”
The silence was deafening. Mayoi knew he had messed up. Of course it was just a story, he was stupid for wanting to believe there was something about him that would cause someone to kiss him, to care for him, like he was normal. Like he wasn’t wretched and cursed. Why had he even asked Tatsumi? What had he wanted the other to say?
Did he want to hear that he was right, and he deserved love, or that he was wrong, and he shouldn’t hope for things he couldn’t have? Mayoi could feel tears well up in his eyes, and he tried to blink them away. He had already bothered Tatsumi so much, the priest shouldn’t have to deal with his tears.
“N-nevermind. I’m sorry Tatsumi, I’ll go-”
“Mayoi.” Tatsumi’s voice rang clear through Mayoi’s head, despite the volume of his thoughts, and Mayoi wanted to cry all over again. Mayoi braced himself for what was to come. He braced himself to anger, sadness, indifference. What he didn’t prepare himself for was the softness in Tatsumi’s tone.
“Look at me.”
Mayoi felt a hand under his chin, guiding his gaze back up to the other idol’s. Mayoi wanted nothing more than to look away and avoid the scorn that was sure to come, but he was powerless to his gentle caress.
“Please.”
That was it. Mayoi let his eyes shift over to the other boy’s, which shined a brilliant purple. He was beautiful. He always was. Why did Mayoi even dare to think he could have him?
“Mayoi. I sincerely hope Aira’s story was the truth. You were kissed because you should be. You’re lovely. Astonishingly so. I know it is not in my faith to be jealous, so I can only wish it was I who kissed you enough to cause it.” He slid his thumb over Mayoi’s bottom lip, moving to touch the mole that sat under it.
What? Tatsumi was pranking him, right? But no, Tatsumi wasn’t the kind of person to prank someone. But his words made no sense. Why would he call Mayoi lovely? And did he say that he wanted to be the person who kissed him? Mayoi must have been imagining things. He must have finally gone insane, and wished Tatsumi would say these things to him. He almost missed the other speak again.
“I know you think too lowly of yourself. But from what I have observed, you have the qualities of an angel. You seek to protect, and you do so wonderfully. You take care of Aira and Hiiro, and of me. You keep Alkaloid together, Mayoi. And you aren’t filth. You aren’t scum. You’re human. Wonderfully, loveably human. ” Tatsumi took a breath, but never took his eyes away from Mayoi’s.
“I would like nothing more than to be the reason your face is peppered with freckles in your next life. Enough that you would have no choice but to accept you are loved, and that you deserve to be. If you’ll have me.”
Mayoi was breathless. If you’ll have me repeated in his mind endlessly. He wouldn’t have minded if that was the only thing he ever heard for the rest of his life. If you’ll have me. Shouldn’t Mayoi be asking that? Tatsumi was perfect. He was every word he had used to describe Mayoi and then some. Of course Mayoi would have him.
With a courage he didn’t know he possessed, Mayoi placed Tatsumi’s face in his hands, relishing its warmth. Tatsumi was slightly pink, and his eyes were filled with an adoration that Mayoi didn’t think he would ever see. But he did, and it was for him.
He leaned forward, letting his hands pull Tatsumi closer. Then, he let himself fulfill one selfish wish. Softly, he kissed the space between Tatsumi’s moles. He pulled back just enough that he could look back into wide purple eyes, and found that he wasn’t anxious at all. Tatsumi loved him. If anyone else had told him, he would have laughed or assumed they were lying. But this was him. He was real, and he was smiling back at Mayoi.
“Yes. Please” His voice was barely a whisper, but he had never felt lighter. He let the tears he had been holding back for so long glide down his face, and couldn’t hold back a smile.
The two stayed in the practice room for hours, Tatsumi kissing the tears that fell down Mayoi’s face. They held each other, and Tatsumi was warmer than Mayoi could have ever imagined. They fit perfectly together, and Mayoi felt at peace.
Maybe he could be loved.