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He screamed, and then suddenly he was falling, waiting to hit something, only to continue to fall for what felt like forever, and suddenly, he shot up.
It was just a bad dream, he assured himself, but his breathing was still shallow and his eyes were unfocused, and so as to not completely panic, he tried to do what Sebastian always told him he should do.
Count down from 50, breathe in and out with each number until he was calm.
50.
Breathe in... Breathe out...
hands all over his body
49.
Breathe in...
crazed scientists looking down at him with wicked smiles, knife in hand
Breathe out…
48.
carved shapes on a blank canvas and someone's screaming, it vaguely sounds like him
Breathe out- no, in, breathe in
47?
No, breathe out.
Breathe out…
46- no, 47.
"It'll all be over soon"
No, breathe in, breathe in, breathe in- no, out.
in?
He was suddenly aware he was shaking, and made an attempt to wrap his arms around himself to stop, but even his own touch made him flinch, and he couldn't concentrate on breathing anymore, everything was closing in, his vision blurring, but no, no, he had to stay calm, what would happen if he lost consciousness?
Frantically, his eyes roamed around the room when he heard the door open, and standing there was someone he couldn't see, which made it worse and he wrapped his arms around himself, ignoring how it felt like bugs crawling all over him, and brought his legs up to his chest, hiding his face and rocking himself, trying to hide himself and calm down because he had no idea what's about to happen, who was that person? Posed they a threat? what did they look like? He didn't want to look up at them but he couldn't stand not knowing, it burned him from the inside out.
Finally, he felt them standing right next to where he sat on the bed, and they whispered a "Ciel, hey, it's okay, it's just me, it's okay" and he let out a sigh of relief.
Just Alois, it's just Alois, he reassured himself, but he found himself looking up to confirm it, and it was Alois, standing there and he couldn't see his facial expression but felt like he was making a face of concern.
This was the first time Alois saw him in a state like this.
They'd been dating for, what, 3 months? They were slowly, but surely, getting used to each other's touch and company, and while some things they were still hesitant to do (kissing, even though they did kiss now and then, it was a bit new to both, and making out, and sex- they hadn't attempted that and wouldn't , since Alois didn't like the mere mention of it, and in Sebastian's opinion they were both far too young), they were happy with the way things were. Ciel found Alois' sense of humor, his confidence, his looks and caring nature endearing, while Alois adored Ciel's rather dry sense of humor, the way he carried himself, his shyness and his romantic gestures. Overall, they fit together, as much as they were different, they still liked each other, but that didn't mean that that couldn't change, at least in ciel's mind.
His panic escalated even more, now at the possibility that Alois didn't want anything to do with him anymore.
Was that a look of concern or disgust on his face?
"Ciel, hey. Breathe with me, okay? You're safe, you're safe " the blonde tried his best to not start panicking himself, or to not touch Ciel, as he didn't know if Ciel wanted to be touched just then or not. It was understandable he felt a bit shaken, he'd never seen Ciel so disheveled and scared, his eyes frantically darting from one corner of the room to the other, and it was obvious he was trying to breathe with Alois but it wasn't working, and Ciel thought for a second he was going to die just then, that this is it, his life was good while it lasted-
"Ciel, Ciel, look at me, focus on me"
Ciel did so, he turned to the blonde, who had turned on the lights and was now on his knees so he could look up at Ciel instead of down at him, maybe it'd make him look less threatening and it worked, a bit.
Ciel focused on the blonde's breaths, the way he filled up his lungs and waited a couple seconds before exhaling, entering through his nose and exiting through his mouth. He tried to mimic it, and to his surprise, it was calming him down. therefore, he pushed away his thoughts the best he could, and instead opted to think only of the blonde, until his breathing evened out and his panic subsided, leaving room for shame and embarrassment.
He turned to look the other way.
Alois noticed.
"You alright?" He asked softly, but didn't attempt to get up from his place on the ground.
This was so weird.
Alois wasn't used to be the one who comforted, but he tried his best anyway, because Ciel needed him right now, and what kind of boyfriend would he be if he didn't help? A damn bad one.
"I'm fine" Ciel said quietly, but he wasn't fine, and they both knew that.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
Ciel stayed quiet. Did he wanna talk about it? Kind of. He, however, couldn't bring himself to. What would Alois think of him? Probably the same thing, it was only a nightmare. everyone had nightmares.
Right?
Right .
"I-It was just a nightmare.."
"I'm aware. do you wanna talk about what happened in the nightmare?"
"N-No, why are you even here?" Ciel asked, changing the subject.
"Cause! When you asked me to sleepover I didn't know I'd be sleeping in a separate room! I came to find you so I could maybe ask to stay with you but.."
Ciel hadn't thought of that. Of course Alois didn't like being alone. He made an ass of himself, and now he was making an even bigger ass of himself, what was he, an actual asshole?
"You can stay here if- if you want" Ciel said hesitantly, and Alois' smile was fucking worth it to him.
Alois got up slowly from where he was on the ground and Ciel scooted over, prompting Alois to get under the sheets with him.
Ciel's cheeks heated up, we're sharing a bed..
Alois seemed to realize that too, as he, too, averted his gaze. he laid down and fought against the urge to bury his nose in Ciel's pillow. Everything in this bed smells like him.
Instead, he sighed and turned to look at Ciel, who was facing the ceiling.
"Ciel?"
"Hm?"
"It's okay to have nightmares"
Ciel stayed quiet. He knew that. Of course it wasn't a big deal to have a nightmare, so why did he feel like it was? Why did he feel like Alois wouldn't want to be with him once he found out he had a nightmare? Hell, Alois probably had twice as much nightmares as Ciel! What was Ciel worried about? Looking vulnerable?
Indeed, he was worried. Of getting hurt. Because opening up meant that. He didn't think he was ready to be hurt.
"hmm" He hummed in response, and turned to face Alois, "do you want the lights on?"
"kinda, but if you wanna turn it off, it's okay." It wasn't okay, but he didn't want to bother Ciel more than he already was.
Silence.
Really loud silence.
Ciel closed his eyes and tried to sleep, but every time he would, his brain would make up the most fucked up images and he would have to open his eyes again. Why couldn't he just fall asleep? Why? Why?!
Alois wasn't having similar troubles, but he couldn't fall asleep knowing Ciel was struggling right next to him. It was obvious with the way he was tossing his head uncomfortably, clenching his eyes shut and then opening them.
So, he did what he thought was best to do.
He sat up.
"Can't sleep?" He asked, even though he knew the answer, and Ciel nodded slowly.
He'd tried to forget Alois was right next to him so his brain wouldn't think about him, not because he didn't like Alois, but because he knew his brain would put Alois in his place in those images, and he didn't ever want to see the blonde like that. He didn't expect Alois to even talk to him again that night.
"wanna go for a walk?"
Ciel stared.
Alois stared back.
a walk.
___________________
Why had Ciel not thought of that? a walk! of course! When you're unathletic, a walk long enough could tire you, and if you're tired enough, you can fall asleep immediately upon lying down! The garden was big enough that he would surely tire before even getting close to the other side! Alois was a genius.
So, they walked in the garden, hand in hand, Ciel looking at the plants and flowers (and Alois), while Alois looked at the plants, flowers and sky (and Ciel).
They hadn't talked at all since they got out, but it was okay. you may think that one must constantly be talking to avoid awkward situations, but sometimes, the silence isn't awkward, just relaxing. Just being there was enough, for Ciel. He wasn't big on touching, but holding hands was fine, they had done it so many times that Ciel now reached for Alois' hand when Alois didn't reach first! It was a massive change from before, in Alois' eyes, but he never teased Ciel about it, in case Ciel changed his mind and decided Alois didn't deserve to have his hand held.
It had been a while, a little over an hour, to be exact, when Alois opened his mouth to talk. He could stay silent but he had his limit, and he just reached it, "What're you thinking about?"
In all truth, Ciel wasn't thinking about anything. just how Alois' hand felt in his. how pretty the flowers were. that disgusting nightmare. Sebastian. Alois. How long it would take before he got tired. Alois looking intently at the stars, his icy blue eyes captivating. Alois' lips pulled in a soft smile. Alois' flaxen locks falling around his face, making him shine . Alois, Alois, Alois.
He was not about to say that.
"nothing.."
"that nightmare?"
If he were completely honest, he had kind of pushed that out of his mind so he could concentrate on more important matters. Alois.
It helped him relax, sometimes. Thinking about Alois. Sure, sometimes it doesn't work to distract him but right now it was.
He wasn't completely honest, however, so he nodded. Alois stopped walking.
"you know, you can tell me about that" Alois said, holding ciel's hand.
Do not cry Ciel, do not cry, he kept repeating to himself in his mind, but he felt a sting in his eyes, the telltale signs of tears, so as to hide it from Alois, he pulled him into a hug. Alois was surprised but held back. This was okay. He wanted to see ciel's face, but ciel needed the hug, so it was alright. He hugged ciel tighter when he felt something wet on his shoulder.
"it's alright. you can cry."
Ciel cried harder at that. all his life he'd held tears back, only cried when he was alone where no one could judge him, where no one could make fun of him. he couldn't remember the last time someone let him cry on their shoulder. he couldn't remember a time at all where he was told it was alright to cry, that he could.
They stayed like that for a while. ciel hiding his face in alois' clothes and Alois petting ciel's head with one hand and holding him with the other. ciel's tears had stopped already, but he wasn't ready to let go. he leaned his head back to look at Alois, and in that moment he felt overwhelmed with his love for this boy, this blonde, that could've been sleeping but wanted him to be ok, this blonde, that held him while he cried, this blonde, that he felt comfortable crying in front of, this blonde, that he never wanted to leave his side.
Alois smiled.
Ciel died inside.
He leaned forward and Alois got the message, closed his eyes.
What only lasted less than a minute felt like whole hours, and ciel melted against Alois' soft lips. Alois held the back of his head as ciel rested his hands on Alois' chest, and neither of them wanted to let go but they had to breathe sometime, and reluctantly ciel pulled away. Alois kept them close, their foreheads touching, and ciel allowed a smile to grace his face.
Alois loved that smile.
"feel better?" Alois asked and ciel nodded, suddenly feeling shy at initiating the kiss himself. usually, it was Alois who did so, and he loved kisses, of course, it was just a bit embarrassing, to him. Alois would definitely tease him later, but not now when ciel was still shaken.
"wanna go back inside?" Alois asked.
"no."
Alois stared at him.
____________________
Sebastian walked frantically about, his son wasn't in his bed! neither was the boy's boyfriend. He searched the place as thoroughly as he could in his state of alertness. where could they have gone? surely they hadn't been kidnapped while he was sound asleep! He pushed the thought out of his mind.
think rationally , he scolded himself, then took a deep breath.
where has he not checked?
And then he looked up and out the window, sure enough, he saw something that wasn't supposed to be there. Walking closer, he took a better look and-
He sighed in relief. There they were. Ciel and Alois were sitting at the gazebo on both sides, their heads on the table and their fingers intertwined with each other loosely. Sebastian would have to ask them why they slept there later, but for now, he looked on with an amused smile and a quirked eyebrow.
He shook his head.
"Teenagers."