Chapter Text
Hawkins High is stifling.
Billy hadn’t breathed properly ever since he passed the ‘Welcome to Hawkins’ sign, not that he expected it to be easy, he knew that the world he was headed into wasn’t his but he wasn’t about to let that stop him. His dreams were far too big for him to ever breathe easy and he’s made his peace with that.
Perhaps, getting all up in Steve Harrington’s face on his first day wasn’t the smartest thing to do but if he had to make his place on the campus he couldn’t back down.
Billy Hargrove is stubborn and he doesn’t back down. He can’t afford to. Not if he wants to make his place here. Steve Harrington is nothing but a spoiled brat with daddy issues, he’s not even worth competing with.
-
Except it doesn’t go that way but when has anything in Billy’s life ever gone smoothly? He weighs his options and decides to let Steve get away with the prank. It bruises his ego a little bit not because he had been wronged but because the prank was honestly boring and tasteless. Billy could come up with at least ten better pranks on the spot and considering the humour of the school, he would admit that he was half scared of being dubbed pissboy for the rest of his school life.
Steve Harrington isn’t worth the trouble.
-
The good thing is he doesn’t get dubbed pissboy.
The absolutely ironic and borderline hilarious thing is that Steve Harrington decided to latch onto him.
-
Steve is annoying, to say the least, but Billy would rather have him as a friend rather than whatever passive-aggressive shit they had going on. Whatever made his life even a bit easier in this goddamned school was welcome. It wasn’t that he disliked Steve, if he had to be honest, the pretty boy could be a little endearing in a kicked-puppy sort of way when he wasn’t being a sexy menace. It’s just that he was always a sexy menace.
Billy rolled his eyes as he caught him leaning against a girl who was definitely not his girlfriend. Billy couldn’t tell why Nancy put up with him. Was it really possible to love that brat so much that you let him treat you like dirt? Guess only Nancy knew the answer to that one.
Steve caught his eye and smiled as he waved. Billy couldn’t help but raise his eyebrows at him, gesturing at the girl. Steve quickly untangled himself from the girl and jogged up to him.
“What’s up?”
“Basketball practice?”
“Oh, shit right, I almost forgot.”
Billy laughs and pats his back, “Well, you’re very easily distracted.”
Steve punches him lightly in the arm only making Billy laugh even harder.
The basketball matches actually become fun when they both started playing with each other rather than against each other.
“Nice one, hot shot” Steve would call out from across the court with no bite in his words and Billy would flip him off, the sound of Steve’s laughter blending in with the rush of adrenaline as if the two were the same things.
Billy had a hard time placing Steve. The boy is privileged and an absolute dick to his girlfriend, he does tasteless pranks and picks on the nerds of the school because he’s an entitled asshole. Billy absolutely hates it but he can’t stay away from Steve.
But Steve also quietly brings him a packed lunch, every day without fail, since he first saw Billy skipping lunch. He tries to buy Billy expensive things but of course, Billy won’t have any of it, so he would just buy him food and alcohol instead. He would purposely ask Billy to go out with him on a ride saying he’d had a bad day when really both of them knew it was Billy who needed to unwind.
And Billy isn’t oblivious, he noticed that the sneers he used to get from the rest of King Steve’s clique had stopped, he would often catch Steve glaring at the students who were supposedly on his side.
He had a really hard time placing Steve. He felt like a frat boy who would kick Billy’s ass if he ever found out that Billy was queer but he also did nice things for Billy, considerate things. Billy hadn’t been sure that Steve was even capable of being considerate but here they fucking were.
Honestly, Billy had never cared about him being gay but he did often wonder what exactly Steve wanted from him. More often than not he’d stay up thinking about Steve Harrington and his eccentricities and he’d fall asleep with the taste of sweet caramel honey on his tongue, imagining that’s what Steve’s moles taste like.
-
Something changes after the basketball final. Steve becomes more vocal, and louder about his presence. Somehow, he becomes more real.
He’d ask, “Do you miss your mom?” when really, he wanted to know, hey do you trust me?
Billy nodded yes to both his questions.
“I miss mine too” He’d say when he meant, I trust you too.
They start spending more nights out with each other. Steve gets drunk on vodka and Billy gets drunk on Steve’s laughter.
When he picks Steve’s drunk body up from the sidewalk, he cannot remember the Steve Harrington he had hated the first day. He only knows Steve, the boy who couldn’t hold his liquor to save his life and it felt kinda nice. Billy felt himself smile despite everything, yeah, he could be friends with this trust fund brat.
-
“Do you love Nancy?” Billy finally asks when he realizes he’d accidentally made an actual friend. Billy is half serious, willing to swing in whatever direction Steve takes the conversation. He does care about him and if he genuinely loves Nancy, he wants the relationship to work out for him.
“I’m just confused”
“About Nancy?”
He just wants to know why Steve kept deliberately sabotaging his own relationship. So maybe, just maybe--
“About love” he states and Billy’s heart stutters at the very familiar sentiment.
“You’re not gay, are you?” Billy had tried to make it sound like a joke, an off-hand comment, they joked around like that all the time, so why did this one fill him with so much dread?
Steve rolls his eyes and jokingly tries to kiss Billy. Billy doesn’t really know how to feel about that.
-
Billy somehow worms his way into the Harrington family and gets invited to the Christmas dinner party at Harrington Palace. Steve’s face falls a little when he tells him about it and Billy tries to laugh it up. Joking about it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth sometimes but he doesn’t really know how to comfort Steve.
He belatedly realizes that the only person who has tried to comfort him when his dad would go on mean tirades about him was his mom. His mom would take him to his room and try to distract him with small anecdotes, and jokes from her workday. It was the only way he knew how to comfort someone because it was the only way he had been ever comforted. He misses his mom, but she is long gone and it’s better not to stew in something long past gone.
-
The party is weird. But then again, these people had way too much money so it checked out. He just expected to have a bit of fun and get drunk. What he gets instead is a very jealous and very sad girl crying her eyes out over Steve.
Nancy looks so incredibly young at that moment. Like a child. That is when Billy realizes that they’re all just playing at being adults because it’s what is expected of them but none of them have any clue what they’re doing.
“I don’t like breaking relationships.” She glares at Billy when he suggests breaking up with Steve.
If she hates her mother for re-marrying and never being able to stay in a relationship for very long but then breaks up with Steve what does that say about her? Billy translates in his head. Billy will admit he had issues but boy these rich brats were really something else.
He doesn’t know why but he wanted things to work out for her, for both of them really, he truly believed they liked each other. Maybe it is because he knew they were craving the love and attention they never received from their parents and felt like the only substitute for that was romantic love. He wanted them to feel the love he once received.
He wanted them to feel genuine love and care for each other.
-
(That was possibly the most selfless thought Billy had ever had. It isn’t really a surprise that it goes so incredibly wrong. But that is his curse, he cannot love without it going wrong.)
-
Nancy’s plan to make Steve jealous goes pretty well. Billy didn’t like being a part of it but he had to admit flirting with him had a better chance of getting to Steve than flirting with a random guy and Billy doesn’t dislike the look on Steve’s face when he tells him the truth.
“I’ll punch you” Steve threatens without an ounce of malice in his voice and Billy feels a laugh bubble out of him.
“But I’ll hug you first” and shit as Steve clings to Billy, his heart does something and it’s a rude awakening. They have hugged so many times before so why was this different?
“You don’t like her right?” Steve asks and Billy almost wants to say yes just to fuck with him. To put him in a shit situation just as he had done.
“No, I like you” He opts for instead and the way Steve’s face contorts into a relieved and exasperated laugh sticks with him. It’s a joke, he convinces himself, still reeling from the feeling of Steve’s body wrapped around his.
He watches as Steve sprints towards Nancy. He hugs her and laughs with her and it should make Billy happy, this was his plan. So, what was this bitter feeling brewing up in his chest? God, these rich brats really were too much trouble.
-
Everything after Christmas Party was too much for Billy. He kept trying to untangle his feelings but couldn’t really figure anything out. He was sure that he’d been caught staring at the couple one too many times. So really it shouldn’t have been a surprise when Nancy came looking for him.
“I love Steve” she blurts out looking a little apologetic and it takes every ounce of self-control to not snap back, “Yeah, so do I, you’re not special.”
Shit.
Shit.
“Yeah, I know” Billy smiles and says instead, feeling his heart slip into his chest.
“It really was a joke, I’m sorry if I led you on or something.”
“It’s fine, honestly.” It isn’t fine but not for the reasons Nancy thinks and well, fuck. Fuck.
-
(In hindsight, he really should’ve seen this coming. The plan was too simple: Go to school, graduate, get into college and get fucking rich. It was Billy’s life after all. Nothing that ever began with wanting to do something good ever ended without him having blood in his mouth)
-
Billy signs up for the swim team, right around the beginning of spring. Billy needed distraction from his newfound and completely unwelcome realization. It is everything Billy knew it would be. An absolute shitfest. He makes it a point to avoid the fuck out of everyone else. Well, everyone except Steve who somehow kept finding him wherever he went and it wasn’t like Billy could ever tell him to go away.
Steve, the pretty boy who is hellbent on making Billy’s life hell, signs up for the swim team himself. “I didn’t do all the lifeguarding for three years for nothing, and anyways the swimming championship at the end of the year is a pretty huge deal this time around. Can you believe it? There are gonna be college recruiters here, for the freaking swimming championship.”
He does get confronted by Nancy who thinks Billy’s mad at her when really Billy just didn’t want to think about her.
“I just lost focus for a second there” He clarifies for her, trying very hard not to think about her and Steve, “but I know what I have to do now.” And he really does. He couldn’t lose sight of the reason he came to this place. He couldn’t let anything stand in the way of his dreams, not even himself.
He gets selected for the championship. So does Steve. He miserably watches Nancy and Steve celebrate vaguely aware that things were going to get shittier.
“What does it matter who got in? We both got in!”
And fuck Billy feels that awful feeling spike in his chest again when he says, “The difference is that, your dad’s fucking loaded. He can get you into any university”
“You can have my dad you know, pretty sure he will have the adoption papers drawn up in a moment.” Steve bites back.
Billy tries to smile but couldn’t and instead zoned out of the conversation, the bitterness in his chest growing steadily, wondering where this would lead him. You could channel only so many emotions into wanting to win this championship before even that became toxic.
“So, you’ll defeat your best friend to win?” Steve asks.
“Yeah, it’s a competition.” And Billy realizes that he has been the most honest in some time.
It could hurt his friendship, yes, but Billy didn’t care anymore. His first priority always had been getting out of here and getting a full ride to college and now more than ever, with everything he felt for Steve, he couldn’t afford otherwise.
-
Taking Steve home almost goes well. Billy lets him in on his shit family dynamics, his father’s comments and Susan’s complacency in it all. Max and he do get along now, it was a rough path, but they are there and one thing Billy knows for sure is that he loves Max, and her approval is something he didn’t know he needed until he received it.
He would’ve told her about him that night. He would’ve told her how much he loved Steve, about how Steve’s eyes lightened up when he talked about music, about his stifled laughs in the middle of the class and the way his heartbeat sounded when he hugged Billy after the high of a match. He would tell her that even if he couldn’t have Steve he was happy that he got to love him. That it was so much more than he had ever expected to feel for another person.
He had so much to tell her.
No wonder it all goes wrong again.
His father’s words hurt because he can’t help but feel that he was right. If he hadn’t wished for more than what he had, maybe—
His thoughts cut off as Steve wraps his arms around him. Billy is anchored.
Steve squeezes him tightly and oh god, he feels something achingly familiar bloom in his chest. A warmth he had never felt in ages and goodness it almost made him want to throw up.
Then he is in Steve’s arms and shit, he wants to scream. He wants to tear his heart out and thrust it in Steve’s palms, that way at least Billy would have some peace. But he couldn’t do that. So, he sinks into the embrace and buries his head into Steve’s shoulder and for a second he lets himself just be.
Deep down he just wanted to be heard, to be comforted. For a second, there wasn’t any reason for Billy to prove himself worthy of compassion. Steve had him. He knew him, everything that Billy had worked so hard to hide behind a mask of ambition was out in the open and if it were any other person, it would’ve terrified Billy. But this was Steve.
Then Steve has the gall to smile up to him and say, “You good or do I need to hug you again?”
And Billy would’ve punched the bastard if he hadn’t pulled him into another hug and his heart—the absolute traitor—fluttered in his chest at the gesture and Billy let himself dream for the first time in his life.
A dream, not an ambition. A dream of a lifetime spent in this embrace. Something so far away and yet if he could just--
That peace Billy felt lasted barely a minute and often he wondered what would’ve happened if Susan had never called out to him. If Max had never left him with this gaping void in his chest and a realization that his father had been right all this time.
All he did was destroy. All he did was bring misfortune.
He couldn’t destroy Steve. That boy was a dreamer and he deserved to be able to chase his dreams. He deserved everything but all Billy had to give was the weight of his ambitions and a love that was the promise of disaster.
-
(He doesn’t remember the funeral but he does remember the aftermath of it vividly. The way Nancy looked and the burning sensation in his chest is still fresh in his memory. Was it grief that made him do it? Or did he just want to taste Steve on her lips?)
-
“Steve!”
It’s Nancy who chases after him first while Billy is just struck with the gravity of the situation. Steve is volatile, lashing out and Billy can’t think, can’t move right up until Steve pushes Nancy a bit too hard and Billy steps in before he realizes he’s moving.
And Steve shoves him back. Hard. That’s not the part that hurts.
“You really showed what you’re made of today huh, Billy” Another shove, “You’re no one’s Billy.” Billy wants to punch him. He wants to kiss him. He briefly wonders which would hurt him more.
Another shove, “No wonder everyone you love leaves you.”
This is the boy who stood up for you, Billy. This is the boy who picked you up when no one even knew you were broken. This is the boy who you love and the boy who you so desperately, so hopelessly want to love you back—
“Your Mom, and Max. Maybe they left you for a reason” and Billy punches him.
How dare he trample all over your plans? How dare he break down your walls like they were glass and then have the audacity to not even acknowledge it.
So, he punches him again and again and again.
This boy loves you too and that’s why he knows how to hurt you.
And that’s how it ends. With blood in both of their mouths.
-
(Steve needs to hate him so Billy can keep his feet planted on the ground. With no Steve around to promise him the sky, Billy wouldn’t dare to escape from his chains.)