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“What are you thinking about, bro?”
It was a simple enough question, that was true. However, the answer was anything but. Josh was thinking too hard, too much, and it was honestly starting to become painful. Having to keep up a constant act of struggling between the wants and needs of his heart and mind. It would appear tortuous to anyone else. Josh was used to the numbing heartache though. He wanted so desperately to clutch at his chest, to release the trapped air from his lungs, to unleash the thoughts that were plummeting through his brain.
Instead, he chuckled.
“I dunno, man.” Chris wasn’t satisfied with his response. An over-exaggerated sigh and a sly eye-roll made that obvious. He was merely pissing him off at this point, but he could handle the mild annoyance. It was better this way… for both of them.
The atmosphere of Chris’s bedroom fell back into a comfortable silence. Josh shifted slightly, angling his head so he could fully stare at his best friend. Chris was lying on his back beside him, with one arm draped across his stomach. He looked so relaxed, so peaceful. Although he begged his mind not too, Josh let his gaze continue further down south. His breath caught in his throat and a warmth blossomed throughout his chest at the sight. The hem of Chris’s navy-green tee was tugged upwards, but only a little, only enough so that a very light sliver of blond hair was visible. He watched as it disappeared beneath his faded blue-jeans.
“What are you staring at?” It was that soft-spoken voice, the kind that often hid an unwavering tremble or the bright spark of laughter, that snapped him out of it. Josh forced his eyes to lock onto his friend’s. Of course, he instantly became captivated by the length of Chris’s lovely eyelashes. Damn. Why was everything about him so beautiful?
“You, Cochise.” Josh knew there was no use denying it. Chris had finally managed to catch him in the act of staring wistfully at him. He’s only been doing this for a few months now, but Chris was no stranger to being oblivious about obvious things.
“Why?” Chris cocked an eyebrow at him in question, but Josh was only focused on that hint of a smile that teased his lips.
“You ask too many questions, dude.” Josh replied as he averted his eyes. He opted for staring at the TV screen at the foot of the bed. It was currently paused on the starting screen of some new game that Chris had just recently bought. A few hours into it, they ended up becoming bored out of their skulls. They’d beaten the game to death that quickly. That’s how they landed in this position, sprawled out on Chris’s bed, staring blankly at nothing and everything in particular. Josh loved nights like these, even though it made the pain in his chest swell so much more.
“Maybe.” Chris said, his voice was barely above a whisper, “You gonna tell me what’s on your mind?”
“Maybe.” Josh smirked at his sarcastic reply. The laughter that left Chris’ lips echoed throughout his ears. Maybe he should finally confess his troubled thoughts tonight. He’d definitely considered it before, but there was always one thing that stopped him. If he were to lay his emotions out on the table like that, he’d become vulnerable. Any response that Chris would have to that would either make or break him. Yeah, there was always that possibility of his feelings being returned, but what if they weren’t? Would this really be worth risking their entire friendship for?
Another stolen glance was tossed Chris’ way. Josh began to examine every little feature now. It led him to the curve of his pink lips. It almost surprised him, how he instantly developed the urge to lean over and press their mouths together. He decided that this became the breaking point for him. If he proceeded to drag this never-ending torture out any longer, well, it may just kill him. Besides, the worst Chris would do is politely decline him, right? They’ve been best friends since the third grade… something so foolish as this shouldn’t be able to tear them apart. No, it won’t.
For the first time in months, Josh was staring down the barrel of his inner doubts, and insecurities, and worries. For the first time in his life, Josh didn’t fucking care about how badly this could hurt him. He just wanted to be free of his own personal hell.
“Chris,” It was odd. His name sounded so foreign on his tongue at the moment. The sternness of his tone managed to capture his friend’s attention though. The blond slowly rolled over onto his side, propped his head up on his palm, and nodded as a sign to continue.
God, but what if-
“I don’t fucking care.” Well, that certainly wasn’t the best way to start this situation off. Josh meant to make that statement towards himself, but decided to just roll with it. Once his mind was set on something, he knew there was no turning back.
“Look, I don’t fucking care how stupid, or c-crazy, or ridiculous this may sound.” He paused. He heard it. In the middle of his sentence, he noticed the tiny crack in his voice. Josh nearly convinced himself to start over, to revert back to the beginning, to sound more courageous. It was far too late for that though because his mind was dead-set on tumbling straight-on. He felt himself sit up and watched as Chris did the same.
“What’s wrong?” Chris’s tone was dripping with concern. God, it only made the situation even worse.
“I-I tried really hard, I swear I did. It just won’t go away. I can’t make it go away.” He was mumbling now, nearly in hysterics. Chris didn’t say anything this time. Instead, he scooted closer to his best friend. Josh nearly melted once he felt the hand on his shoulder begin to move in slow, smooth circles. He always knew how to comfort him.
“It’s okay. Whatever you need to say, Josh, it’s okay.” He nodded after hearing this. Deep down, it was something that he already knew. Of course he was okay.
“I’m not really sure how to say it. Like, I don’t know if I’m supposed to plan out this big-ass rant or something. Just… I have these… feelings for you.” Oh. There it was. After months of being head-over-heels in love with him, that’s how he decided to confess his attraction. Way to fucking go, Josh.
“Wait, what?” He could see in Chris’ eyes that the boy was having a hard time digesting all of this. That was okay though because in between his mindless babbling, Josh had come up with a plan B. Within seconds, he leaned in and brushed his lips gently against his best friend’s.
It was almost sickening, how well their mouths seemed to melt and mesh together. Josh was hesitant at first, half-expecting Chris to instantly pull himself away. A hot-white warmth licked at his skin once he realized that his friend was actually kissing him back. It felt like an eternity ticked by before they both parted. It was silent for a moment, until Chris erupted into giggles.
“Did that seriously just happen? Did we just kiss?” Josh stared on in disbelief as his friend seemed to lose himself.
“Uh, yeah.” He didn’t really know how else to respond. This was totally a dream, right?
“So, are we, like… going to do that again?” Chris said after catching his breath. His cheeks were tinted a rosy-red now and he was beaming from ear-to-ear. Josh felt his hand creep up to clutch at his shirt that covered his pounding heart.
“Hell yeah, Cochise,” Josh teased with a smirk. He quickly swooped in to peck at his friend’s mouth once more, but dead-stopped about an inch away from actually making contact.
“So, you totally don’t mind that I’ve been secretly pining after you for months now?” It was probably stupid to ask, but he needed to know for sure. Josh noticed how Chris’ eyes flickered down to his lips and how his smile didn’t dim.
“Josh, I don’t fucking care.” Chris mimicked his response from earlier. And then there was a hand cupping his cheek, casually dragging him in until the distance had diminished. He wanted to bust out a snarky reply after that. He wanted to tell him how beautiful he looked. He wanted to ask him if this meant that they were officially together.
All those words that were bubbling inside him were instantly swallowed up by Chris’ mouth though and for the second time that night, Josh didn’t care.
He didn’t care that Chris’ parents could be home any minute and find them making out in his bedroom. He didn’t care that they would probably have to awkwardly discuss their feelings for each other again in the morning. He didn’t care that maybe months down the line, Chris would realize that he deserves better than him because he does. No.
The only thing that Josh cared about in this moment was Chris… and maybe that’s the way it should be.