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I sit and watch you reading with your head low…I sit and watch you. I notice everything you do or don't do
Jamie can’t remember when it started to go downhill. He just started to pick up on little things that changed. Right now, Jamie was watching a TV show while Roy was reading. First, Roy had sat a little farther down the couch than usual. Usually, he was close enough that Jamie could cuddle into his side. But, today, Jamie had to settle with resting his feet against Roy’s thigh. He was lying down and facing the TV while Roy was sitting up reading.
The most striking difference was that Roy wasn’t reacting to what was happening in his book. There were no small gasps, no “oh fuck’s”, he didn’t show or read a scene to Jamie that stood out. He was just sitting there, reading. But, not like he normally did. And that’s what scared Jamie. Because he was sitting further away, and not doing anything.
He kept an eye on it for the next couple of days. Sometimes Roy would sit by him, like usual, and sometimes he wouldn’t. But, he never talked to Jamie about what was in the book. Jamie couldn’t focus on the TV show playing in front of him any of the days. He just sat there waiting for anything to come from Roy’s mouth. He even watched from the TV screen reflection to see if Roy would have any reactions on his face. He never noticed any.
Eventually, Roy would only sit away from him when he was reading at night. Jamie never fought it or brought it up.
I wait by the door like I'm just a kid. Use my best colors for your portrait
Sometimes, Roy would be busy enough at work that Jamie would be in charge of watching Phoebe for a couple of hours. They had been dating long enough that Roy’s sister trusted him, and it made it better that Phoebe took a liking to him.
Phoebe had eventually moved past her artistic style of drawing tits, but she still loved drawing. And Jamie liked to sit and draw with her. He wasn’t very good, but it was a great stress reliever to sit with Phoebe and do it. He loved seeing her drawings too, even when in turn she would laugh at his. She loved drawing for Roy, and when it was the type of day where she was focused on coming up with something special for him, Jamie also would draw something for him. They’d run and greet Roy at the door both waiting to hand him his drawings. Jamie loved seeing Phoebe’s reaction to her Uncle hanging them both on the fridge every time.
Today was no different. He took their drawings at the door, nodded his head in approval, and walked to the fridge. Phoebe followed with a big ol smile on her face, always the same amount of excitement when it happened. Grabbed a magnet from the fridge and stuck the drawing underneath it and walked away, Phoebe practically skipping after him with a giggle falling from her mouth. Jamie smiled at the drawing on the fridge. He turned around to go follow after the two when he stopped a little in his tracks as he noticed his drawing still sitting on the counter, waiting to be hung up. He stared at it for a minute.
Roy always hung up his drawings.
This is when it became obvious to Jamie what was happening. The not reading out loud to him, sitting away from him on the couch, and now not hanging up his drawing on the fridge.
Roy was getting tired of him.
It hit Jamie like a ton of bricks. He stood there, his eyes stuck on the drawing. Could hear Roy and Phoebe talking in the other room. He knew at this moment that eventually he wouldn’t get to draw with Phoebe anymore, his drawings weren’t gonna hang up next to hers on it anymore. This could be the last time he’s drawing with her. He has no idea, and the thought makes him want to throw up. He’s snapped out of his thoughts when he hears Phoebe calling for him in the next room, and he balls his hands into fists as he puts on the bravest happiest face he can muster. He turns around to walk to where they are and smiles at Phoebe and the sight of Roy sitting there with a cold stone face and a tiara sitting atop his head with a tea party set up for them. Jamie takes his usual seat next to Roy, and cracks a joke about the tiara which causes Roy to growl at him, but it makes Phoebe laugh. Roy doesn’t interact with him much of the rest of the day, so Jamie puts his whole focus on Phoebe. Can’t imagine not spending time with her anymore and has to make up for it if this is the last time. He gives her an extra hug before she leaves, and holds her a little tighter. Roy and Jamie wave from the window as she leaves like they always do. And Jamie is thankful that stays the same today. Roy even throws an arm around Jamie as they do it and he tucks himself into the side of his body.
Later though, the drawing ends up in the trash as Jamie cleans the kitchen before bed. Roy either doesn’t notice or chooses not to mention it. Jamie doesn’t know which would be worse.
Lay the table with the fancy shit, and watch you tolerate it…I take your indiscretions all in good fun
Date night had become a standard routine in their relationship. Being a footballer and a coach was hard enough, but making time for intimate moments was harder. So, they came up with a solution that every other Friday, they would have a date at home. Either of them would cook, and they’d spend the night together. Jamie loved date night, it was not a secret. He was the one who would write it on the calendar, would skip out of training day, and excitedly wait or prepare for it.
Tonight, he was in charge of preparing it. He was going to cook Roy’s dinner and then would do the thing that would make him go crazy in bed. It was all planned out. Bought the ingredients after training, and even restocked their bedside table. He even was going to prepare a dessert for tonight, normally something he doesn’t do. But, if he did this, maybe it would change Roy’s mind and feelings. He had to do something. Couldn’t sit there and watch the love of his life fall out of love with him.
He put the ingredients in the fridge and then went to shower. He set out the shirt Roy thought he looked great in and said it brought out the color of his eyes. Laid out the pants that made Roy have his hands all over him. Wanted to properly impress him. Time was passing by quickly, and he changed fast so he could start cooking. Made the blondies that Roy liked first, so they would be cool for after the main course, and then started prepping for it. He set the table with their date night plates, got out wine glasses, and put the bottle on the table. Looking at his phone, he had no messages from Roy, but he was due to be home in five minutes, so he served the dinner on the table. Sat down and waited for Roy. And waited.
Jamie could slowly see the steam leave the food as he sat there. His phone sitting face up on the table never lit up with a notification. The bottle of wine was opened by him as he ate his dinner with the empty seat sitting next to him. Was able to clean the whole kitchen, put the leftovers away, and watch TV on the couch before he heard the front door open.
He didn’t go greet Roy at the door but heard him go into the kitchen and open the fridge where the leftover plate was wrapped. Could hear him mutter out a little fuck, it almost brought tears to Jamie’s eyes. Roy didn’t even realize what tonight was. As if Jamie didn’t circle it on the calendar in the shape of a heart. Can hear Roy heat the plate in the microwave. He waits on the couch until he hears Roy’s footsteps. Can sense he’s coming from behind, and he turns around with a smile.
He has to pretend everything is okay, or it would speed up the process. If he’s just still clueless about what’s happening, maybe it won’t happen. So, he smiles at Roy and leans up as Roy leans down. Jamie thinks for a second he’s gonna get a kiss on the lips, but Roy just kisses him on the forehead and mumbles, “I’m sorry. The cooking was delicious, work got busy. I’m sorry,” and Jamie can feel his smile slipping but turns it up as Roy pulls back to look at him.
“It’s okay, here now, aren’t ya?” Jamie is the one who leans in for the kiss on the lips. Wants to take everything he can get before it all gets taken away. Roy pulls back from the kiss quicker than Jamie wanted, but he smiles at him again.
“Made your favorite, blondies,” He kneels up on the couch and wraps his arms around Roy, the back of the couch physically separating them.
“Think I’m gonna turn in early for bed. You gonna stay out here? Could come and read for a bit with you, if you want,” the last thing Jamie wants is to sit through Roy pulling back from him even more with his fucking silent reading.
“It’s okay, I’ll wrap up the blondies and meet you in there?” Roy nods in agreement and Jamie places one more kiss on his lips before going into the kitchen to chug the rest of the opened wine left on the counter. Wishes he could throw the blondies in the garbage and give Roy a piece of his mind knows he deserves better than what he’s getting right now. But, all he does is place a covering over the blondies and put the empty bottle of wine into the recycling. Notices Roy’s plate in the sink waiting to be cleaned, but he leaves it there. He races up the stairs to find Roy in their bed already laying down. He crawls into bed and sits close to Roy. Traces his finger up Roy’s arm. He knows initiating something now is a low blow to himself, and will hurt him worse, but he can’t bring himself to not. Has to pretend everything is normal, and normal Jamie wants sex on date night. Roy usually would too, but he moves his arm away from Jamie. Jamie can feel his chest tighten. He pulls his hand back and just lays down too. Roy doesn’t even say anything. Just turns off the bedside table light, the table where in the drawer is fully stocked with brand new condoms and lube, that Jamie went to get, going completely unused. Jamie lies facing Roy’s back. He doesn’t know how long he sits there watching Roy’s unmoving body begging for him to turn around and look at him.
You assume I'm fine, but what would you do if I break free and leave us in ruins?
Jamie pictures being the one bringing up the distance ever since he noticed Roy pulling away. Pictures all sorts of scenarios.
Him angrily bringing it up. A nasty fight would ensue. At least he’d get some sort of emotion from Roy. He’d made the fight last until Roy would be the one storming out. He wants to make it obvious that Roy is giving up on him and not the other way around. He needs Roy to be on to do it. In every scenario, it has to be that way. Or else, Jamie can’t picture it. Because he will never be the one to leave. Not in the scenario where he’s begging for Roy to explain, not the scenario where he’s crying and Roy is standing there silent, and not the scenario where Roy is the one who brings it up. He’ll never be able to bring himself to leave, because even though Roy doesn’t feel the same, Jamie loves him with every fiber of himself. Can’t picture life without him which is why every single scenario hurts like fucking hell imagining. Knows one of them will be the case eventually, or even something he hasn’t imagined.
One night, when Roy is the one who does date night (he buys takeout, this has never happened before. Roy always cooks for date night. Jamie has to choke it down with his throat tight as he holds back his emotions the whole night), Jamie imagines himself being the one to leave. Imagines himself bringing up how he notices Roy pulling back, Roy looks stricken with guilt as he realizes Jamie has figured it out. Jamie will point out all the signs he noticed that brought him to this conclusion, and Roy will confirm them. Jamie will nod, he already knows. They’ll sit there in silence for a while because both of them will know what’s coming, and Jamie will be the one to say that he deserves better. That he deserves someone who loves him and shows up for date night on time. Someone who will talk about work and his personal life in a way that doesn’t make it look like he’s pulling his teeth out while answering. Jamie will say that Roy can keep the house, and Roy will start to protest. Jamie would answer he can’t continue to live here with all the memories, and Roy wouldn’t know what to say. He’d already have a bag packed ready to go and stay at a hotel. He’d leave and Roy wouldn’t follow.
It’s the hardest to imagine, but it’s the one that makes Jamie feel the least worse. No arguing, no tears, just them. He looks over at Roy sleeping, still facing away from him. Can see a book on the bedside table, and Jamie couldn’t tell anyone what it was about if they asked. He used to know. Jamie wonders if this Roy, not scenario Roy, would have any other reaction to Jamie leaving. How would he actually react? Would he fight it, explain it, or just let it happen?
Jamie never wants to fucking know.