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You can't sleep.
Who would be able to when the approaching summer breeze carries the scent of the salted sea to the expanse of your little room? When not a cloud is in sight and the stars are out, blinking in a manner you could never understand whilst they peer inside your window? (or what used to be Lizzie's window.) How long have you laid there, on your back, with your arms spread wide as your gaze stuck on the ceiling, formerly expressing euphoria of finally making it now wiped with an expression you're not sure you've ever shown before? The day of celebration had come and passed, diplomas passed and speeches given as you and your classmates all grabbed your hats and threw them in the air - the cheer of those who loved every one of you ringing in the auditorium as all your work had finally paid off for this one moment. Elizabeth had come home for the day and had eagerly pulled you in her arms as she pinched your cheek with a fondness only an older sister could have, your mothers not far behind her as they too, embraced you into their warmth and hid you from the world as you spilt a few tears from the overwhelming weight of the situation. Not once did they shame you as Ma held your hand and Mom rubbed your back.
You think you saw Cove amidst the chaos of the day, his mop of green unmistakable in the sea of hundreds as another who matched his cupped his cheek and muttered what you could only guess as his mother telling him how proud and happy she was of him. Behind them, Mr. Holden wiped his own set of tears as he shot a grin at his son with a smile reserved only for his little boy. One that wasn't so little anymore. In the distance, the loud cheering and fond embrace of Terry and Amanda with one another brought you out of your staring. The tensing of your shoulders calmed as Terry wrapped an arm around the shorter girl's shoulders while thrusting her hand gripping her diploma up and down as Miranda giggled at her friend's excitement. In every corner of your eyes, friends and families gathered around their loved ones with an air of pride and bittersweetness hanging onto them. This is it, after all. You've all made it.
The rest was a blur. Did you have dinner with your family or your class right after? Were there hugs and wishes of happiness with one another as the next you'll see one another is either 10 years down the line or in the small grocery store down the street? Did you give and receive any gifts? Who knows, all you're left with is the moment you close your eyes and sigh as you push yourself off your sheets and your bare feet meet the wooden floors beneath you. You glance to your right, 11; 28 PM flashes in red. It feels as if your head was filled with cotton as you stare at it for a minute. Various sleepless nights to finish projects or homework had long passed you, the next would be when you go to college and learn for a few more years. Or maybe never again, you're not sure if you've even fully committed to anything yet.
You have half a mind to go back to laying down and continue waiting for sleep to come, but that choice never got a chance to be fully thought of when you turned your eyes away from your clock to the left. Near your desk lay your bag, unzipped and slumped against the wooden legs. A nearly transparent file case in your favourite colour pokes its head out, along with the rest of your notebooks and writing materials from the previous weeks you were still required to bring them still there. Unchanged. Only a few inches away were the pile of your clothing from earlier that day, with your graduation robes and your hat on top of it. It's almost funny how neatly they all looked together as if they were always meant to be with one another.
You can't go to sleep now. Not when the day was nearing its end.
Careful not to alert the rest of the household, you push yourself off the bed, praying that it wouldn't creak from the loss of your weight and quietly cheered when it did not. With your phone filled with unanswered texts of congratulations and happy wishes in one hand (you're sure one of those was from Derek, whose own graduation was a week away) and the other pushing your already open window enough so that you could fit, you began to descend. With how many times Cove had done it, you had practically memorized where he would step and reach out to get into your room. Briefly, you wonder how long it would be before those days too would be long behind you. You don't quite like that thought.
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Poppy Hill was as quiet as ever. The wind danced with the grass and the ocean sparkled in the distance, the moon shining a light into the abyss. Just as it always had. The number of times you found yourself sitting on top of this tiny hill, alone or otherwise, would be enough to count for an entire summer by itself. This time was no different. You opened your phone again. 11:32 PM. You remember back when you were younger, sitting at your desk and listening to your teachers drool on and on and on about a topic you could not care less for. Your eyes always landed on the clock that was always 5 minutes late, ticking endlessly as if mocking you of your misery. You prayed and pleaded for it to go faster until someone told you that staring at the clock would only make it go slower. You don't think you ever looked at the clock again after that. Yet, now, here you were - gaze boring into the clock on your lock screen and mindlessly watching as the minutes pass by. Were you hoping for time to slow down? Silly little you. You know very well that's not how this works.
No. You know that as soon as the big ball of red rises from the horizon, a new chapter will be placed in front of you. When the morning rays hit your open window and whisper for you to wake, Ma and Mom will be downstairs preparing you and your sister breakfast just as they had when they adopted you to love and care for. And when you take your first step downstairs, things will be different. Maybe the Holden's will be over to have a shared breakfast with your family. Maybe you'll spend the day with Cove on the shaded sidewalk, talking as you always do, looking back and looking forward. Maybe you'll meet up with Terry and Miranda, on the beach, swimming or building sandcastles. Or maybe you'll spend it alone, to think, or to talk to someone who was not here and hasn't been for a long time.
When you were younger, the first day of summer was one you could never miss. No matter where you were and what you were doing, it will arrive bringing memories and happiness for you to laugh or cry about in the future. It was freedom from school - from responsibilities that you didn't like to think about. It was difficult for you to sleep the night before, plans for what you wished to do swirling in that little head of yours. Funny that even now, you couldn't sleep before the first day of summer. You opened your phone again. 11:46 PM.
The clock keeps ticking and doesn't stop for you. Of course, it does not. It didn't stop for you back then, it certainly won't right now. In 14 minutes, the comfort of the known will leave and you'll be left with that uncertainty everyone fears. Your mothers have gone through it, Lizzie certainly has. And now it's your turn. And you're still not sure. Yet, you think about the nights when you were 10 and your Mom sat with you on your bed, talking with one another about what you wanted to be when you grew up. Those afternoons sitting on the dining table as Ma prepares you a snack, cooing that whatever you end up doing, she will always be there when you look for her. The days before Lizzie moved out to pursue her own dream and how you two laughed about the memories that you two created whilst you grew up with the other by your side.
You think about Cove, and how he probably feels the same way. Probably awake as well, but laying in bed just as you were, the daunting future of tomorrow sitting on his bedside but assured that whatever happens, you two will be alright. You think of Terry and Miranda, both probably excited about their own plans that they'll inevitably drag you into doing with them, just like when you were all released from the clutches of afternoon classes. And you think of that sleepover with Derek and his brothers, and of the future you all promised to see through.
One last time, you opened your phone. 11:59 PM. and a silent countdown began in your head.
Unlike the past few hours of ticking and turning, you simply sat there, transfixed at the moonlight ocean and the swaying grass. Soon, it'll be you and Cove again on this hill, with the fireflies out like they did the last summer. Like they will in the next summer. Whether or not you will still be here to see them in the next one or the one 5 years later, you'll figure out when the time arrives.
On that Poppy Hill, you took a deep breath and inhaled; 12:00 AM and the scent of summer filled your lungs in a warm embrace. Today, you will simply be. Today, you will live. No matter what may come. Summer has arrived, my dear. It will not be the last one.