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“I love you. I love all of you…I don’t think I can do this.”
Olivia kept hearing Elliot’s voice and seeing his hurt, confused expression in her mind. She recalled how he seemed to be looking at everyone in the room during his intervention but wasn’t ready to hear the truth about how much he had struggled with losing Kathy and the PTSD that followed from witnessing the car bombing and seeing her in bad shape. He didn’t want the help, but yet…it felt like he was closely focused on his former partner when he said, “I love you.”
Now, she was waiting to see him to discuss the failed intervention and the emotions of those words. She didn’t believe you could just say “I love you” when you didn’t really mean it. It was an expression saved for close family members or significant others. Although, with that in mind, maybe he meant to say it to the kids and not confess his love for her. How could he after over 20 years of marriage to Kathy anyway? No way could he be in love with Olivia so quickly when he was still figuring out what it meant to be a widower.
Post-intervention
“I think he was just in shock,” Kathleen told Olivia. It had only been about 15 minutes since Elliot had walked out of the room with barely another word, and everyone was still trying to figure out what just happened and if they could do anything more.
“We put him on the spot and tried to confront him,” she continued. “He probably felt like he was on a reality show or something, and maybe that was his way of saying ‘please don’t do this to me’ or that he was afraid but not ready to admit it. It probably wasn’t the best approach.
“Maybe I shouldn’t have asked you to be here either. Do you think I made a mistake?”
“No. You did the right thing by coming to me. If nothing else, I know of mental health resources within the NYPD that could help him. We bring in counselors regularly and want to destigmatize getting help after traumatic cases and situations, as well as increase awareness of such issues. I wish there had been more discussion about this stuff when I went through some of my deepest traumas on the job. Of course, whether your dad would be ready to hear it is another story.”
“Agreed. I know my bipolar diagnosis taught me that the person who’s not feeling well has to want the help. I guess Dad doesn’t right now, but my uneducated guess is that he wants to talk to someone who knows him well and cares about him. You still do even if he never said goodbye to you, right?”
Olivia paused before answering Kathleen.
“I do,” she finally said. “When I saw him on the scene and he told me what happened, I knew I couldn’t worry about my feelings at that point. It wasn’t the time to start talking about old grudges and the events of the past. I had to support him and wanted to be there for you and your siblings, too.”
“And we really appreciate it. I wasn’t surprised you came to the hospital. In fact, I was kind of hoping you would. Sorry I called you over here tonight for nothing, though.”
“It wasn’t for nothing. We all tried our best and our hearts were in the right place. I’ll give him a call in a day or two and sort this out. Maybe he’ll feel less intimidated if he’s in a safer space and we’re all not staring him down.
“I probably should go, though. I want to make sure you have quiet time with your siblings to discuss how you’re feeling and see if you guys can do anything on your own to make him more comfortable with sharing his emotions.”
“Thanks again, Olivia. I know you can relate to him on a different level.”
“I’ll try my best.”
“Liv?”
Elliot had arrived at the coffee shop. It had been almost five days since Olivia had last seen him. The cut on his head looked much better, and he also looked like he had gotten some sleep.
“Hey. Are you feeling better? Like can we have this conversation and go over what happened?”
“Sure. My kids aren’t lurking in a corner anywhere about to jump out and attempt another intervention, right? I want to know it’s just us before we start.”
“Just us. I didn’t even tell them I had plans to see you. And I’m not conducting a solo intervention either. I want to specifically talk to you about something you said last week.”
“Which was?”
“Elliot, I think you know. You didn’t say much except to tell me to talk to Bell if I had a problem and deny what you were dealing with.”
“Oh, that…” He narrowed his eyes and sighed. “The ‘I love you’. I’m sure you want to know what the hell I was thinking.”
“That’s a good place to start, yeah. Did you…mean it? Better yet, was it even directed at me, or were you trying to communicate that to your kids while looking in my direction? Or was it meant for all of us? I’ve been trying to figure out who you were actually talking to all week.”
“Look, I love my kids. They’re a huge part of me and they’re going to carry on Kathy’s legacy, but when I said ‘I love you’, that’s exactly what I meant. I was also telling you that I loved you.”
“OK…” Olivia nodded. “That’s good to know. I’m glad it didn’t take you long to be honest. I just…I’m having a hard time feeling the same now that I know the truth.”
“I get it, especially after what we talked about in the hospital,” Elliot said. “After I just left you the way I did, I wouldn’t blame you if you decided to hate me for the rest of your life. But I realized in that moment last week, I blurted that out because you’ve been there for me despite whatever grudge you’re holding. Did I even deserve your time and energy in that room? I let you down, and you’ve done nothing but show up for me since the night Kathy got hurt and when she died.”
“Well, honestly…I’m still hurt, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. Even after what happened with Jenna, I was holding out hope that the investigation would be cleared up and you’d be back. I never imagined that you’d just leave. It was so uncharacteristic of you to run off without saying goodbye. Still, I can’t imagine ever turning my back on you when you’re going through one of the most difficult times of your own life.”
“Maybe that’s why I said it then. I know I came off like I was angry and defensive, basically telling you that you had no right to be there or know my business. Did I sound like a moody teenager?”
“Not exactly,” she replied, unable to stop herself from laughing a little. “I mean, you didn’t appear to want help, if I’m being honest, but I could tell you felt like your privacy had been violated, that you were wondering why Kathleen would go behind your back and come to me with her concerns.”
“I was upset about that, I won’t lie. But you know, it doesn’t surprise me. You and Kathleen have always had a good relationship, almost as if you were a part of the family.” Elliot sat back in his chair, finally dropping his intense gaze, and took a drink of coffee. “It feels like things between us haven’t changed, except they have.”
“No, I agree.
“I guess you want to know if I feel the same about you? Or do you? I don’t know if it’s such a good idea to have this conversation so soon after Kathy.”
“No, it’s not. But I want to know what’s on your mind anyway. We don’t have to talk about it in terms of romance and prospects. And I know the kids would be upset if they found out we were talking like that. I want to know how you felt when I said those words.”
“All right; well, since you were honest, I guess I owe you the same thing. I was … kind of taken aback. At first I wondered, how do you say you love someone when you walk out of their life and don’t contact them for 10 years? But at the same time, I know I’ve never had a bond with anyone else like the one I’ve had with you. Since you left, I’ve been partnered with and otherwise worked with great detectives and ADAs. None of them meant as much to me as you, no matter how much I wanted to be angry. We just get each other…well, got.
“But I don’t think that matters right now. My immediate concern is helping you get better. At any cost. If you don’t get treatment or keep running from your problems, you’re going to torpedo your career again. You can be a good cop when you have your wits about you and don’t go off the handle so easily.”
“I still don’t know if I’m ready,” he admitted. “Facing reality and confronting my problems is not in my wheelhouse right now. Do you think you can get off my back if I tell you I’ll think about it and let you know when I want the help?”
“So now you do sound like an addict.”
“Uh, yeah I guess you’re right.” They both started laughing, which seemed to help clear the air.
“I’m still proud of you,” Elliot said. “For all the great things you’ve done since I’ve been gone. And I know at the end of the day once I calm down a bit and have more time to think that I’ll be grateful you were there for me. You’ve done a lot since the night of the car bombing; Kathleen told me how nice it was to see you at the hospital and the funeral. She said the same thing Kathy did actually...how it was like things never changed. But I know you don’t agree.”
“No. It made me smile when Kathy said that. I’m not sure if you caught that. The kids just aren’t aware of everything we still have to sort through, but in a way, both Kathleen and Kathy had a point. I feel like we still care about each other as much as we did when we were partners. Someday, I have to know more about what the hell you were thinking and why, but I’ll let it go for the time being. Do what you need to do and…give me a call any time.”
“Even in the middle of the night?”
“If that’s when you need help.”
They reached for each others’ hands and Olivia gave him a small smile.
Partners. For better or for worse.