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“Hey Michael, remember what you said a little bit ago? About me and Christine?”
“Hm?” Michael glanced over at Jeremy who mirrored him on the other beanbag. His eyes quickly went back to the screen, where zombies were being demolished. “After you broke up?”
“No, before.” Jeremy gripped his controller more tightly to counteract his sweaty palms. “About your online friend?”
“Oh, the aroace thing?” The word fell out of Michael’s mouth so casually. Jeremy wished he could be that casual about it.
“Yeah, that.”
“What about it?” Michael looked at Jeremy again, sensing his nerves.
Jeremy had his knees up to his chest and his eyes were glued to the television. His stomach was doing flips and his fingers started tingling. “I think that’s what I am.” He maintained eye contact with the screen, trying to sound as casual as Michael had.
Michael tried his best to adopt Jeremy’s tone. If he didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, then it wasn’t a big deal. “Oh, cool.”
“Yeah. Cool.” Jeremy’s shoulder relaxed a little. He knew Michael would be cool about it, he was the one who suggested it after all, but it was good to hear. “So, thanks. For the help.”
“No problem, man.”
The next few minutes were silent. Jeremy’s mind was still racing and Michael didn’t want to interrupt if his friend had something else to say. Jeremy spoke up again once they finished the level.
“Do you think everyone else will be cool about it? I was gonna tell Christine but then…”
Michael hit pause and put his controller down. If the conversation was going to continue, it deserved his full attention. “I think they will be, Jer. You know they care about you. And I think Christine will be too. It’s a better reason for breaking up than that you just don’t like her in particular.”
Jeremy frowned at the lack of distraction but followed Michael’s lead. “You think so?”
“Yeah, totally. If someone broke up with me, I think that would make me feel better. Like, it’s not about me. Yknow?”
“Yeah.” Jeremy pursed his lips. “You don’t think… they’ll think something’s wrong with me? Or something?”
“I don’t think so.” Michael reassured him. “You might have to explain it, but I know they’ll understand.”
“Okay.” Jeremy rubbed his forehead. “Okay.”
“You’ll be okay. I know what it’s like, you’ve got this. You’ve done harder things.”
“Yeah.” After a moment of hesitation, he spoke again. “If you get a partner, you won’t forget about me, right? I won’t be like… alone forever? I’ll still be able to hang out with you?”
“You’ll always be my favowite person.” Michael teased. Jeremy chuckled in response. “But seriously. You always have a place with me.”
Following Michael’s encouragement, Jeremy decided he would tell Christine. She deserved to know, he reasoned. It might explain everything. The hard part was actually doing that. He knew that he couldn’t play it down like he did with Michael. He needed to be direct and genuine with Christine. His heart started racing as soon as he decided he’d do it and it felt like it didn’t slow throughout the day.
He knew he only had a small window before play rehearsal, but maybe it was a good thing. It meant it couldn’t get dragged on. He waited anxiously at her locker, trying his best to remember to breathe.
By the time she turned the corner, his heart was loud in his ears. “Christine.” It sounded more like a gasp than anything.
“Jeremy?” Although these few minutes used to be integral in their communal routine, a moment for both of them to recount their days, it had been weeks since Jeremy had been waiting for her. Seeing him there threw her entirely off. “What’s going on?”
“Nothing- well something but-” He could tell she wasn’t exactly happy to see him. “I wanted to talk to you.” He concluded, fidgeting with his backpack strap. “Is that okay?”
“Yeah, that’s fine.” Her expression was flat, not because she was upset, but because she didn’t know how she was meant to act. It just made Jeremy more nervous.
“Can we go somewhere quieter?” He bit his lip, looking towards the door.
Christine hated seeing him so nervous, but she wasn’t sure how she should act towards him. Where was the line between dating and friends? What kind of comfort from her would he accept? She was having trouble figuring out what role to play. “Yeah, sure.” She offered him a smile.
Jeremy walked towards the door. He turned to glance back at Christine, to make sure she was following, and met her eyes. He heard his blood in his ears again and quickly looked ahead. She followed him outside and around the corner, to a bench in a mostly quiet area. They’d sat there many times before, just talking. He sat on the left, his usual side, with Christine to follow on his right. There were both silent as the seconds passed. Unlike the last time they “talked”, Christine didn’t have anything to say. It was out of her hands.
Jeremy was the first to speak again. “I wanted to-“ He stumbled over his words and paused, inhaling, before beginning again. “I wanted to tell you that.” He stopped again.
“Take your time.” She responded. She remembered that kind of reassurance helped him after the squip incident. She couldn’t lie, her heart was pounding too. She was searching her mind for any idea of what it could be about.
Jeremy nodded and took a few seconds to breathe. He was worried the word would get stuck in his mouth. He’d never said it to someone else. After another deep breath, he decided he just had to go for it. “I’m aroace.”
Christine stared back at him. She tried to piece together what he said, but wasn’t quite sure. “Could you repeat that?”
“I-um-“ He stuttered. “I’m aroace? Aromantic asexual.” He clarified.
“Oh.” Christine replied. After a few more seconds, she asked “What does that mean?”
Jeremy had expected she would ask, though he had also hoped she wouldn’t. He couldn’t shrug off the fear of how she’d react when she really knew. “I. I don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction. So like, I don’t get crushes. Or want to date people. Or want to like- I don’t see people and want to-yknow. Sleep with them.”
She nodded, trying to show that she was listening. “Okay..” Then she frowned. “Does that mean you never loved me?”
Jeremy felt like he was going to cry. He felt like a freak and the guilt weighed heavy on his shoulders. He wished he could have loved her. “Not romantically. But I still loved you! And I do. Just differently.”
“Differently how?” Christine didn’t mean to upset him, she was just curious. She couldn’t read his smaller cues very well and she was distracted by the matter at hand. It was shedding a new light on everything.
“Like a friend? I don’t know.” He turned away from her so she couldn’t see it if he started to cry. “It’s confusing. It was really strong and I really do care about you, just not… I don’t know. Not in the way it seems like you liked me? And how other people love each other?”
Christine was bouncing her leg and stopped when he turned away. She felt immediately bad for questioning him. “I’m sorry.” She looked down at her lap.
“It’s okay.” Jeremy took another shaky breath and looked back over at her.
Christine matched his inhale and tried to set a better mood. “Thank you for telling me.”
Jeremy nodded in response.
“It means a lot to me.” Christine smiled slightly. “That you would share this with me.”
Jeremy wiped his nose with the back of his hand. “You don’t- don’t think I’m a freak?”
At the same moment, Christine’s expression shifted to one of surprise and her phone started ringing, signaling the start of rehearsal. “No! Of course not.” She hesitated before reaching to turn the alarm off.
“It’s okay, you can go.” Jeremy was relieved. He was glad Christine was cool with it, and simultaneously thankful the whole ordeal was over.
“Thank you for telling me.” She repeated and jumped up from the bench. “I’ll see you?”
Jeremy nodded and swallowed. “Yeah. See you, Christine.” He forced a smile and watched her leave. As soon as he was sure she was gone, he broke into tears. It was super embarrassing, but he was just glad he was alone.