Archive of Our Own

“Guys! Guys! Look what I found!” Charlie shouted as he walked into the bar. He was holding a colorful piece of paper with large print on it. “There’s gonna be a corporate competition tonight! We own a corporate! We could totally win this!” He said, taking a seat at the bar with the others.

“Corporate competition? What the hell is a corporate competition?” Dee asked as she took the paper. “Charlie, you idiot, this says cornhole competition.”

“Not going to lie, I’m impressed he got ‘competition’ correct.” Dennis noted.

“Maybe you are evolving, buddy.” Mac said, patting Charlie on the back. Charlie beamed for a second.

“Wait- cornhole? Isn’t that the game you and Dennis are awesome at?” Charlie asked.

“Sure is!” Mac said enthusiastically, turning his head to Dennis. “Dude, we should totally enter! We could beat everyone’s asses!”

“Now hold on.” Frank started, grabbing the paper. “Looks like you guys have an issue. This is for married couples only.” He said, pointing at some of the smaller print.

“Oh, well, that’s easy. You guys can get fake married.” Charlie suggested nonchalantly. To Dennis’ horror, he saw Dee’s face light up (along with Mac’s).

“What? Fake married? I’m not getting fake married to win some stupid competition.” He quickly said. This was ridiculous. An entire marriage? For some competition they might not even win? And then the divorce afterwards-

“C’mon, why not? You two are basically married already.” Dee said with a smirk.

“I do not need your help, you bird!” Dennis yelled. That got a snicker out of the other guys. Dee opened her mouth to respond, but Mac started first.

“I mean, I would be willing to. You know how great we are at cornhole; I really think we could win!” Mac said. Dennis could tell he was hiding most of his excitement.

“Oh, would you just do it Dennis? If you need an officiator man I know where we can get one real cheap.” Frank said with some suspicious tone.

“First of all Frank, it’s officiant, and second, I don’t need your overseas slave man. I am not getting fake married and that is final!

“Y’know,” Dee started, “I might enter this thing myself.” She took the piece of paper and started looking at the details.

“Oh, don’t be ridiculous Dee. You suck at cornhole, and you’re as single as the rest of us.” Dennis said.

Dee narrowed her eyes and looked at him. “Oh screw you, I could have a chance at this thing. And I could easily find someone to fake marry. Unlike you, I don’t pretend to have morals.”

“I don’t think any man will fake marry you for a day, even if you give him the entire prize. Hey, what is the prize anyway?” Dennis asked.

“Paper said a whole million dollars. Getting fake married doesn’t sound so bad now, does it?” Charlie answered smugly.

Dennis knew that couldn’t be right. “A million dollars? Where does a cornhole competition get a million dollars to give away?”

“Charlie, there’s three zeros. It says one thousand dollars.” Dee supplied, still studying the paper.

Well that makes more sense than a million dollars. Still, a thousand dollars isn’t bad….

“Yeah, I’m definitely going to enter this.” Dee confirmed, not that anyone asked.

“You want my officiater? He needs advance notice to get over here.” Frank offered. Dennis didn’t want to know what ‘get over here’ meant.

“No Frank, keep your slave guy. I’m doing this the legit way.” She answered.

“Fine, suit yourself. Hey Charlie, we still on for nightcrawlers in 10?” Frank said, getting Charlie’s attention.

“Oh, uh, yeah dude. We should get back to the apartment if we’re gonna start on time.” Charlie said, looking at his wrist (that did not have a watch on it).

They finished their beers and left, leaving Mac, Dennis, and Dee sitting.

Dee was talking to both of them, but was mainly looking at Dennis. “Look, I know you guys both love cornhole. Just get married for the day! Who gives a shit! Get divorced the minute it’s over and it’s done!” She said exasperated.

“Yeah, I’m down for it. C’mon dude! It’s not weird! Just two bros getting married to scheme a competition!” Mac said smiling, turning towards Dennis. As if it were the most natural thing in the world. Suddenly Dennis felt claustrophobic with Mac and Dee staring at him. Was this really something they could do? Would it really not be weird? Was it worth a possible thousand dollars?

He put his head in his hands. “Fine", he muttered, “But we get divorced the second we win.”

Mac threw his hands in the air triumphantly. “Hell yeah!”

“Finally! Now I’m going to find the lucky person who’s going to be married to me for a few hours.” Dee said smiling.

“Again, you would have to pay someone at least double the prize to even consider getting married to you.” Dennis said. Dee gave him a glare before turning and leaving, leaving Mac and Dennis alone in the bar.

Mac looked at Dennis (Dennis isn’t sure if he ever stopped). With a huge grin he said, “Let’s go get fake married!”

Dennis was halfway down the hallway by the time Mac was at the window. “We’re gonna get married!” He nearly shouted at the woman behind the counter. She looked confused for a second at the ‘we’ before Dennis appeared.

“Have you two completed the pre-marital education course?” She asked.

Dennis knew whatever answer Mac gave wasn’t going to be correct, so he cut in. “We- we didn’t get around to it. But, well, we both know what marriage is.” He answered with a tight-lipped smile. The woman eyed him suspiciously.

“We really encourage couples to take the course before marriage.” She informed. The word couple made Dennis stall for a second before continuing.

“We are both educated about marriage. We just want to get this done.” He said, hoping to shut down any future attempts. The woman looked like she didn’t have fight left in her (not that she ever had much).

She handed them some paper. “Fill this out and return it to me with a valid form of identification from each of you.”

They took the papers and got a place to sit. Looking through the paperwork, Dennis realized this might look like a legit marriage to someone. Mac and he had lived together for over a decade, had a joint bank account, etc. He pushed the thought out of his head as he started filling it out. He noticed Mac’s leg bouncing.

“Why is your leg bouncing?” He whispered harshly. “This is a sham marriage to maybe scam a thousand dollars!”

Mac looked at him with big eyes, like he wasn’t expecting to get caught. “Oh, uh, I don’t know. It’s my first time getting married. Felt like I should be nervous.”

Dennis didn't bother to go over how this barely counted as a ‘first time’ or whatever ‘felt like I should be nervous’ meant.

Mac leaned in a bit. “Are we changing our names?”

“No!” Dennis whisper-yelled, hoping the conversations around them meant no one was listening. “Would be too much of a headache to change them afterwards.” He reasoned. Mac nodded and went back to his papers.

“Do you think I could put Mac instead of Ronald?”

“Don’t fuck with the paperwork, Mac! This isn’t even the difficult part of this scheme!”

Eventually they finished the paperwork and turned in the documents. Dennis smirked and nearly laughed when he saw ‘Ronald McDonald’ printed in full seriousness on Mac’s paper.

“Oh yeah, and we were kinda hoping to get this done quick. In like the next hour?” Dennis asked. Again, the woman raised an eyebrow but quickly realized she didn’t care enough.

“You two wished to get married now? In this courtroom?” She asked. Mac and Dennis both nodded. She sighed. “Do you have your own officiant or would you like a state-appointed one?”

“State-appointed, please.” Dennis answered, thinking back to Frank’s overseas guy.

“And you guys are getting married in that?” She eyed their clothes. Dennis looked down. Mac and he had a change of clothes when they stopped at their apartment for the documents. Sure it meant closing the bar, but it’s not like any customers were there anyways. They both wore black t-shirts with a white tuxedo cutout and jeans. They felt it would be weird wearing their regular clothes, but they certainly weren’t going to waste time getting suits when they could be practicing for the competition.

Dennis couldn’t help but feel slightly offended. Sure he knew it wasn’t a full suit, but he felt the shirt was at least slightly flattering. Before he could answer, the woman said “Wait in the room to the right. A judge will be in there shortly.”

As they walked in the room Dennis noticed his hands were shaking. Why? This is the worst marriage ever. It’s only going to live for a few hours, then taken out back and shot. Dennis nearly flinched at the violent imagery. He noticed Mac’s leg was shaking again. This time he didn’t say anything.

After a few minutes a judge-y looking man walked in. “Are you two the ones getting married?”

“Yes! Yup, that’s us!” Mac said enthusiastically, getting up from his chair.

“And we are really looking to get this done quickly, so can we just skip all of the speeches and everything?” Dennis asked the man.

“I assumed so. I have my lunch in 15 anyways.” He answered. Dennis squinted for a second. Again, he knew it wasn’t a very polished wedding, but why did the city seem prepared for this?

“You assumed?”

“Oh yes. We have several marriages a week like this. The city figures the more marriages that happen, the more they make from the fees, so they don’t care. These marriages have shortened speeches, and take out unnecessary bits such as ‘until death’.” He explained.

Jesus, Dennis thought. He knew Philly wasn’t a city known for its morals and ethics, but even this seemed low. However, this benefited him, so he wasn’t going to question it too much.

“Will any family from either side be in attendance?”

“Nope. Just us. Let’s just get this started.” Dennis said, hoping it was curt enough to get to the point. Then he thought how, at this point, Mac and him had the same family. He quickly shifted his attention to the present.

“Alright, face each other and hold hands.” The man instructed.

Dennis stood in front of Mac but looked at the man. “Do we have to hold hands?”

“You have to hold hands for the marriage to be legitimate.”

Dennis wanted to argue about the law certainly not saying anything about hand-holding but Mac cut him off.

“Dude, don’t make it weird. Just hold my hands.” He said, offering his hands out. Dennis rolled his eyes and took Mac’s hands, trying not to think about it too much.

“Do you two have vows?”

“Nope. No vows.” Dennis answered quickly, not looking at Mac’s face. He knew if Mac looked even the slightest bit sad it would stay in his head for- well- a while, at least. He reasoned with himself that if Mac started his vows, who knows how long they would be? And then Dennis would be expected to say something equally as long, and he hadn’t even thought about vows, at least not seriously-

“Should we skip to the ‘I-dos?”

“Yup.” Dennis and Mac answered at the same time.

“Do you, Dennis Reynolds, take Ronald McDonald to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

What a fucking ridiculous sentence. “I do.”

“And do you, Ronald McDonald, take Dennis Reynolds to be your lawfully wedded husband?”

“I do.” Mac said, not able to hide his smile. Dennis realized how much of his own smile was genuine. He realized this marriage didn’t seem as shady as it should. Sure, it was done in the hours before a cornhole tournament in an empty courtroom with an expedited (or no) invocation by a judge with lunch in 5 minutes, but something about it seemed nearly endearing. Fitting for them. The next words brought Dennis right back to reality.

“You may kiss the groom.”

FUCK. He forgot to ask about this. Maybe he still could? But surely, if the judge wouldn’t give up on hand-holding then this was non-negotiable. Dennis was about to ask but suddenly Mac’s hands were cupping his face and Mac was kissing him. Dennis instinctively grabbed Mac’s shoulders for balance. Don’t make it weird in Mac’s voice rang in his head. Dennis reciprocated, feeling something like….relief? That surely couldn’t be it. Could it? After a few seconds, Mac broke away, beaming at the judge with the brightness of a thousand suns.

“I now pronounce you man and groom.” The judge announced. “When you’re ready, go to the counter to receive your certificate.” He said before walking out.

“See? I told you it wouldn’t be weird.” Mac said, putting an arm around Dennis’ shoulders. Dennis stood there. As of right now, he was married to his best friend. Roommate. Partner in real estate, and now actually partner in life. “You okay, bro?”

Dennis shook his head as if shaking away thoughts. “Hm? Oh, yeah. Better hurry, we need to practice for the competition.” Mac nodded and patted his shoulder. He started walking towards the door, dragging Dennis with him.

Mac didn’t drop his arm until they reached the car.

They only had a few hours until the competition. They pulled out their old cornhole set from a closet and set it up to regulation. After a few rounds, Dennis could tell something was on Mac’s mind.

“Are you ok dude? You look- preoccupied.”

“Oh, uh, yeah, I’m fine.”

“You are not going into a tournament with something on your mind.”

“Well, I was just kinda wondering-“

“Yeah?”

“The marriage- do we have to- you know?”

“Mac, speak in full sentences. Do we have to what?”

“Uh, do we have to, like, consummate?”

Dennis felt his face turn red. “No! No we don’t have to- Mac, this marriage has no dignity! We are only doing this to enter the tournament! We got the license; that’s all we need!” He nearly yelled. Mac just nodded.

Between the two of them, Mac was better. Dennis was having a difficult time shaking off the rust.

“Mac, I don’t need your help. I just need a bit of practice-“

“Your form is off, bro. I can tell.”

“Wh- My form is not off, I just need a bit!”

“No- see- just swing your arm back, and-“ Mac cut himself off, demonstrating.

“You think you can do this better than me?”

“I mean, I am winning right now.”

“Fine, if you’re so great at this, show me how it’s done.” Dennis said, not sure where it came from. He saw something change on Mac’s face before Mac walked over to him. He handed Dennis a beanbag, then got behind him. Dennis tried his best to keep his face from heating up. Mac had his arm right beside Dennis’, hand over his hand on the beanbag.

“Start from, like, here,” he moved their arms to behind them, “and throw from around here.” He moved their arms to in front at a low angle. He swung their arms back and forward again, letting go of the beanbag. Of course, it went in. “See, dude?” Mac asked, face right next to Dennis’.

“Yeah- yeah I see it.” Dennis said, quieter than intended. He moved his head a bit away from Mac’s, but didn’t move his arm.

They arrived at the tournament a tad early. Dennis had the certificate in his back pocket, ready to show anyone who asked. He had debated scribbling out the date on it. Though he had read the fine print on the flyer, and it said nothing about how old a marriage had to be. Their 4-hour marriage should fit. There was a sign-in sheet and a roll of name stickers on the table out front.

“Sign us in; I’ll get the name tags.” Dennis instructed.

Mac nodded. He started writing their names, then nosily looked over the other names. “Holy shit, dude.” He said, eyes stopping over a pair of names.

“What’s up?”

“Holy shit dude, look at this!”

Dennis looked where Mac pointed. There, in the chicken scratch that was his father figure’s handwriting, printed Frank Reynolds - Charlie Kelly.

“Why the hell are they in here? What- Did they get married?” Dennis looked at Mac. Then his eyes flicked to the bottom of the paper. Mac McDonald - Dennis McDonald. “Mac, why did you give me your last name?”

“Oh, I thought it would be more realistic.”

“That’s not what the certificate reflects! That is the opposite of realistic! And why would I have your ridiculous last name! If anything, you would be Mac Reynolds.” Dennis said, immediately regretting the last part. He saw Mac’s eyes widen for a second, then immediately started crossing out their names.

“Mac- no- Mac write our real names!”

“But what if they ask why we have different last names?”

“Doesn’t matter, because we have the certificate! Look- Charlie and Frank put their real names, so we should too.”

Mac pouted for a second, then wrote their real names on the paper (well, he wrote ‘Mac’, but put their legal last names). When he looked up Dennis was slapping a name sticker on his chest.

“Oh you didn’t.” Mac said. He looked at the sticker, which had ’Ronald McDonald’ printed in neat handwriting. He looked up at Dennis, who was grinning.

Dennis wasn’t sure why he had done it. It’s not like he particularly wanted to introduce himself as married to Ronald McDonald, but he was just feeling good. Maybe it was the anticipation for the tournament, maybe it was something else, but Dennis just felt good.

“Keep up, Ronald!” He yelled behind him as Mac desperately tried to legibly write his name on a new sticker.

Dennis walked into the main area. The ‘arena’ was the gym of the high school. He looked around, the earlier conversation finally hitting him. Frank and Charlie are here. He looked around the gym for a short, scruffy man and an even shorter, stubby man. Mac caught up to him and grabbed his hand. Dennis’ first instinct was to pull away, but realized that might look weird at a couple’s tournament.

“Mac, why are you holding my hand?” He half whispered, making sure no one could hear.

“Uh, to help convince people we’re married, obviously”. Mac responded at full volume.

“We are married.”

“I know, but I just don’t want people to be suspicious.”

“Why would they-“ Dennis was cut off as Frank and Charlie appeared in front of them.

“Hey dudes! Frank and I are going to join too!” Charlie said cheerfully. Dennis noticed Charlie’s name tag had some hieroglyph on it. If you tilted your head, it sort of looked like a clown?

“And we are going to crush your asses!” Frank yelled, earning him disturbed looks from some passersby.

“Frank please, can we be civilized? We’re in public.” Dennis said. He noticed they were both holding something the same time Mac did.

“What are those?” They looked like the beanbags people were practicing with, but you generally weren’t allowed to take them from the training area.

“Oh these? Just our secret weapon.” Charlie said before getting his foot stomped on by Frank.

“Jesus, Charlie! Gonna give away all our secrets?” Frank annoyingly asked.

“I’m sorry man! I forgot we- ohhhhh shit.” Charlie said, looking across the gym. The guys followed his gaze until they all landed on the same thing. Dee. Talking to the Waitress.

“Oh shit.” They all said in unison. They stared as Dee saw all of them and froze. The Waitress followed Dee’s gaze until the gang was staring each other down across the gym. Then she grabbed the Waitress’ arm and started dragging her towards the guys.

“Act natural guys, act natural.” Charlie said, suddenly rigid.

“Charlie, we don’t have to act natural. It’s just Dee and-“ Dennis was cut off.

“Sup, dicks?” Dee said, the Waitress behind her looking uncomfortable.

“Dee, did you get married to the Waitress?” Dennis asked incredulously. Then he shifted to Frank and Charlie. “You two got married?”

“I mean we kinda had to, to get in here.” Charlie said.

“Did you guys-“

“No, we ain’t consummating shit.” Frank interrupted. He shook his head and Charlie followed suit.

“Jesus, Frank, I was going to say kiss!”

“I kissed the top of his head.” Charlie said quickly.

“On the bald.” Frank added, touching the top of his head.

“Well we kissed on the lips.” Dee said, holding the Waitress’ hand.

“Dee, nobody asked.” Mac said.

“Hey, don’t talk to my wife like that!” The Waitress said, suddenly taking a stand.

Dennis looked at her. “We can talk to Dee however we want! You don’t even have a name!” He said, noticing her lack of a name sticker. The Waitress must had noticed at the same time, as she touched her shirt and looked around.

“Shit, it must’ve fallen off.” She said, scanning the floor.

“How’d you get a name tag without a name?” Charlie asked genuinely.

“For the last time, I have a name! My name is-“ The Waitress was cut off as every member of the gang (including Dee) put their hands over their ears and started “la la la”ing.

“You children! All of you!” She said before storming off.

“Look what you guys did!” Dee said, despite having joined in seconds earlier. Before anyone could protest, she went after the Waitress.

Just then, a voice came over the loudspeaker telling everyone to find their spots. Registration had closed a few minutes before and the names had been sorted into brackets. Dennis realized Mac had been holding his hand the whole time and no one had said anything. Sure, they were the original ones suggested to get married for this, but he still noticed their lack of surprise.

The first rounds went by smoothly. Dennis and Mac weren’t playing half bad. By some chance, them and the rest of the gang had been sorted away from each other, so there were no antics to deal with.

After a few rounds, there was a break. Mac and Dennis were by a wall when the other two couples joined them. The first thing Dennis noticed was they all looked mad. Frank spoke first.

“Remind me to never enter another fucking tournament with Charlie ever again!” He nearly yelled. Dennis looked at a sheepish Charlie for an explanation.

“Look, I just got a bit excited about the bags-“

“He wouldn’t stop saying ‘secret weapon’ and winking! The feds got us!”

“I’m sorry, the feds?” Dennis asked. He knew it probably meant something else, but with Frank you could never be sure.

“Yeah! The fucking feds!” Frank said, gesturing to a few people in neon yellow.

“Frank, you mean the referees?”

“Whatever they’re called, they got us!”

“Alright, hold on. What do you mean ‘got you’?”

“Ok, I’ll admit, this was my bad.” Charlie jumped in. “I thought we could make our own bags and choose what went inside.”

“Why would you think that, Charlie? They’re beanbags. For cornhole.”

“Oh look at me! I’m Dennis, I’m the genius that knows what’s in beanbags!” Charlie taunted.

“Beans, Charlie! Beans are in beanbags! What the hell did you put in them?”

Charlie looked at the floor, suddenly embarrassed.

“Charlie, what did you put in them?”

“Teeth, dude! Look, I put teeth in the beanbags! I made teethbags! And teethbags are apparently not rejuvenation!”

“Regulation! It’s regulation! And where the hell did you find teeth!” Dennis asked, suddenly realizing he probably didn’t want to know.

“Uh, it’s mostly mine and some of Frank’s-“

“You fucking did what to me?!” Frank exploded.

“Sorry, man! I kinda had to knock you out for a bit because I knew you would say no!”

“You’re goddamn right I would’ve said no! And now you’re going to pay!”

Charlie slowly looked at Frank in horror. “You don’t mean-“

“You’re gonna pay in teeth!” Frank said, taking a lunge at Charlie.

“Woah, woah! Break it up!” Dennis and Mac both worked to break up the fight while Dee and the Waitress stared in entertainment. Dennis was thankful they were mostly hidden by the bleachers.

“You made beanbags out of Frank’s and your teeth?” Mac clarified.

“Well, mine, Frank’s, and there was this thing behind the bar-“

The whole gang groaned, really not wanting to know more.

“Wait, Frank, you didn’t notice you had teeth missing?” Dee asked once they were pulled apart. Dennis realized for once in her life, Dee had a good point.

“I’m a busy man.” Frank shrugged.

“So yeah, we’re kinda disqualified.” Charlie said, disappointed.

“That’s not- okay, whatever. I get why you two are upset-“ Dennis gestured to Frank and Charlie, then to Dee and the Waitress”-So why are you two upset?”

That seemed to remind Dee of something. She reached in her back pocket and pulled out some crude piece of paper. She thrusted it towards Dennis. Before he could figure out what the hell he was looking at, Dee spoke.

“Our wedding certificate is from fucking Czechoslovakia!” She yelled. Dennis turned the piece of paper, trying to figure out the right orientation.

“Dee couldn’t stop waving our marriage certificate around and bragging! Sure enough, some official walks up and wants to take a look at it.” The Waitress said.

“And why is your marriage certificate Czechoslovakian?” Dennis asked.

“Oh, I don’t know, ask Frank!” Dee said, turning to look at Frank.

“Hey, you said you wanted my officiater! You’re married, I don’t know what you’re upset about.”

“My marriage certificate is from a country that doesn’t fucking exist!” Dee said.

"So he's a bit old school, who gives a shit?" Frank retorted.

“Anyways,” The Waitress interjected before the argument got bad, “we’re disqualified too. Y’know, because we aren’t legally married in the United States.” She said, side eyeing Frank.

“Wait, so we aren’t married?” Charlie asked, looking at Frank.

“I guess not.” Frank replied.

“So it won’t be weird if we sleep in the same bed tonight?”

“Of course not, Charlie.”

Dennis wanted to interject that yes, it’s extremely weird you and Frank sleep in the same bed, regardless of marital status, but he kept his mouth shut.

“So Mac and I are the only ones still in?”

“Wait, didn’t you guys use Frank’s guy?” Dee asked.

“Nope, we went to the courthouse!” Mac said proudly, pulling the certificate from Dennis’ back pocket. Dee grabbed it and looked it over with a smile on her face.

“Oh my god, you guys are married! Finally!” She beamed. Dennis wondered if she was happier about her own marriage or his.

“Wait, you guys just now got married?” Charlie asked.

“Yeah. Like a few hours ago.” Dennis answered, fully ready to defend his short-lived marriage. Instead, he was caught off guard by Charlie’s next sentence.

“I thought you guys had gotten married, like a while back.” He said, confused. Dennis looked at Charlie, not daring to look at Dee.

“Wh- No, Charlie, We aren’t even dating.” Dennis then didn’t want to look at Mac’s face either. He needed to start thinking before he spoke.

“So you guys aren’t husbands?”

Husbands. Weird word. “No! Well, technically, right now we are, but we weren’t before!”

“But you guys are all husbandy and stuff! Were you guys just banging?”

Dennis felt his face heat up. Out of his peripherals he saw Mac and Dee staring at him. Frank was staring at the scantily clad woman that had just walked by.

“No! We were never banging! And even if we were, it would be none of your business!”

Dennis felt Mac put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, we should go practice man. I think it’s about to start.”

“Uh yeah, about that….” Charlie interjected, “I think you guys are disqualified too.”

“Huh? No, we got legit fake married, not fake fake married.” Mac said.

“Yeah, but I was kinda letting you guys use my teethbags. I totally thought Frank and I were gonna crush you and I wanted to kinda even the playing field.”

“You wanted to help the terrorists?” Frank asked.

“Woah, can we not say the word ‘terrorists’?” Dennis asked, keeping his voice low. He turned to Charlie. “You messed with our bags?”

“I was letting you use them!”

“How is this letting us? If anything, this is sabotage!” Dennis said.

“Did anyone see us use them? Like, we might be able to get out of here ok!” Mac said hopefully.

Then, with perfect timing, Dennis felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and became face to face with an official.

On the drive back, Dennis debated about where to go. He could go to the courthouse. End the marriage. Finish the scheme. Or, they could go home.

When they got back to their apartment, Mac collapsed depressed on their couch. “Dude, we could’ve had it. I felt it! We were going to win!”

Dennis waved him off. He was just happy Mac didn’t ask about the impending divorce. “Want some tea?” He asked, microwaving some water.

Mac grumbled, then said yes. “So are we gonna get divorced tomorrow?” He asked casually.

Dennis nearly dropped his mug. Not that he wasn’t expecting the question, just….something. He reasoned it was control. Why he wasn’t totally jumping into the divorce. Marriage could be used for control, right? Like, now he could be assured Mac wasn’t dating someone else. Wait, no, that was phrased wrong. Now….he knew he had all of Mac’s attention? That still sounded weird. Maybe, some deep, dark, repressed part of him thought it was perfect. Their 15 minute wedding with no one else around. No reason to be jealous anymore. Whatever the reason, he wanted to stall.

“What if we didn’t?” He blurted out.

Mac’s eyes widened. “If we didn’t get divorced? Like we stay married?” He asked, as if he wasn’t sure this was happening.

“Sure, why not? Marriage has benefits. Also, it’s not like we were seeing other people anyways.” Dennis said, not entirely sure if the last part was true but wished it was. Either way, hopefully it was clear enough on the exclusive side.

“Benefits?” Mac asked.

“Sure, like….tax benefits, or something.” Dennis sat down next to Mac, giving him his tea. Dennis sat close enough that their knees were nearly touching.

“What tax benefits?”

“Wh- Like- Well- I don’t know! But I know they exist! Are you seriously turning down tax benefits?”

“No.” Mac answered quickly.

They sat in silence for a bit, neither entirely sure where the conversation stood. Mac stood up and put his mug in the sink when he was done. “I’m going to bed.” He said with a weird tone in his voice.

“Alright.” Dennis answered. You fucked it. Mac is going to get divorced first thing tomorrow. Tax benefits? Really? Dennis’ attention was brought back when he heard Mac talking by his bedroom door.

“I mean, if we are going to stay married….”

“Yeah?”

“Do you wanna, like…. consummate?” Mac asked, voice raising an octave. He bit his lip nervously.

Of course, Dennis had his answer in an instant, but he still took a second. You know, for theatrics.

“Yeah.” He answered simply, mug forgotten on the table.