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Miles was her first thought, when she joined the elite team of other spider people. Finally. Finally she’s going to see Miles again.
It was probably silly, being surrounded by so many people (and…. Not-people, she supposed, thinking of pigs and cats and cars and dinosaurs), who were just like her, and still missing one person in particular. Especially since, really, she’d only known that one person for a few days a year ago.
But Miles was special, even amongst all the other spider people. She’d known since she met him. It was his smile: the way it could be so tentative, or how it could split wide in amusement. How no matter the smile, it always softened his eyes. Round eyes. Trusting, caring eyes. Eyes that looked almost gold in the right light.
She saw his smile everyday in the picture of them: the one she’d hidden inside her drum. It made her heart ache to look at, but she never could look away. She didn’t know if she was grateful or upset that she didn’t have time to take the photo with her when she left her dimension for good.
At least, she didn’t know until Miguel made it clear in no uncertain terms that she should never get close to Miles. Even with all the power of her watch, she couldn’t see his face one last time.
She cried herself to sleep that same night.
She didn’t like hearing it. Didn’t like listening to Miguel call her best friend a mistake. An anamoly. How could Miles be a mistake? He was perfect. He was sweet, and kind, and so unbelievably brave. He wasn’t Peter, but he reminded her of Peter in the way that he cared so much. The way that he tried so hard even though everything was against him.
How could that be a mistake?
He was the perfect Spider-Man, anyone could see that.
Some nights she lied awake, wondering if it would be worth it to just peek in—to see his face again. See what kind of hero he became. A good one, she was sure.
But that would be a risk. What if he saw her? What if he asked her why she didn’t see him sooner? What if she had to see his heartbroken face as she left him again, all alone, the way he’d been for a year? What if she had to tell him he was a mistake?
She couldn’t. She couldn’t.
But then there was a mission. A mission on Miles’ Earth. And the temptation was too great.
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No. No no no no no. No.
Monster. You’re a monster.
She thought to herself, seeing the betrayal in Miles’ eyes. Where before he looked at her with adoration, his sweet smile turned up, his eyes sympathetic, now there were tears threatening to spill.
Before there was longing. She didn’t like seeing the longing, because she knew it wouldn’t end well. Had seen it herself, how it always ended. Seeing his longing meant acknowledging her own.
What she wouldn’t give to see longing replace the hurt on his face. His face was scrunched in the worst kind of pain, and what hurt her even more was the confusion that clouded over his features.
He couldn’t imagine I would hurt him—that was the only coherent thought in her mind
But she did hurt him. He trusted her and she hurt him. He trusted her and she hurt him. She hurt him, and he still couldn’t fathom it as it was happening.
They hung for a moment, her eyes imploring him to understand. To know that she didn’t want to cause him pain. Never him, not Miles. Miles who grew into his powers, who swung with all the grace of his predecessor. Miles who sat on top of tall buildings alone, thinking to himself instead of laughing with the other spider people that made up their multiverse. Miles, who filled page after page of his sketchbook with Gwen’s face, reminding himself of her features when they were absent from his world.
He hung limply from where her web was holding him up. She watched as the confusion finally settled and reality hit. She watched as golden brown eyes that were usually so warm went cold. She watched as the blind, numbing pain in his eyes turned into a cold ache, and she watched as his hands came up and severed her web.
She watched, dread making her stomach leaden, as Miles Morales cut the line of their connection. It felt like he cut the string to her sanity, with it.
It must have. It must have cut away at her sanity, because suddenly she couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think.
No.
She wanted to scream. This couldn’t be real. This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t. She wouldn’t let it.
No, Miles was her best friend. Miles made her laugh for the first time since she lost Peter, he was the first person who was as special to her as Peter.
Monster, Gwen thought to herself. You’re a monster. You let him down. You let him drop.
She thought of cold eyes. As she watched Miguel try to tear apart the Go Home Machine with Miles still in it, she heard the dull sound of web snapping.
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As Gwen was violently forced home, she thought about the person she often thought of when the world sucked.
It hurts to remember her best friend. She doesn’t know why she does it. But sometimes it’s just easier to think about things you know when everything else is confusing, she supposed.
Gwen doesn’t remember meeting Peter Parker, because she had always known him. Being next door neighbors with a kid your age is an instant recipe for friendship.
Peter had always been kind. He used to cry when he saw people kill ants or even spiders. He was sensitive, but he was still sharp as a whip. He may have stumbled over his words occasionally, but his witty comebacks and observations never failed to make Gwen snort with laughter.
He was smart, that was for sure. A nerd if there ever was one. Gwen liked to think she was smart, too, but not quite like Peter. They used to joke that Peter was the brains and Gwen was the braun. They used to, before Peter’s weak frame became a sore spot for him.
Peter was a comfort when Gwen told him she was a girl. He was so willing to understand. She scoffed at herself now, for thinking that Peter could ever love her any less for something so trivial, but at the time she’d been afraid.
Should have known better. Peter Parker was too wonderful for that.
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Gwen doesn’t know what to think about right now, as she gathers a group of spider-people to save Miles. It hurts to think about Peter, it hurts to think about mistakes. All she can really do is picture Miles’ face.
Gwen met Miles Morales in a physics classroom. He made a bad joke, and she was the only one who laughed.
He was awkward in a way even her Peter wasn’t. Having your hand stuck in a stranger’s hair and calling it puberty was certainly… interesting.
She thought it must have been a real testament to his character if, even after forcing Gwen to shave half her head, Miles managed to endear himself to her.
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She used to be haunted by one set of eyes losing their light. Used to have nightmares about one set of eyes losing their warmth. But now, now she aches with the knowledge of what two sets of eyes—one brown, one gold, look like when they’re filled with pain.
She was the cause. She was the cause both times. She killed her best friend. She knew logically, there was nothing she could have done. She believed it when she told her father she didn’t murder Peter Parker. But still.
She killed him.
She watched the life drain out of his face.
And now, Miles. She watched as he was beaten down again and again from all sides.
She should have prevented it. Why couldn’t she make it all stop?
She did this. How could she?
How could she?!
In her mind, she saw Miles; clothes shred and gasping for breath amongst Prom wreckage, telling her he wanted to be special, light going out in his eyes.
In her mind, she saw Peter; looking at her from a dangling web, betrayal, anguish, anger, loss, and the love he once felt for his childhood friend dying out.
They switched places until she could hardly tell who was who, which was which—only that she had lost something profound both times. Only that her heart was being ripped apart twice as much.
She’s a monster. She kills people, and she kills their hope, and she kills their trust, and she kills their joy, and she stomps on their friendship.
But she won’t lose Miles like that. Even if he hates her. Even if he never wants to see her again. She won’t lose him the same way she lost Peter. She won’t. She’s going to save him, and she’s going to know that he’s alive and happy, even without her.
And, maybe, she’ll get to see warmth in his eyes one last time.