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“Hey, Basch?”
That night was a cool night, a soft wind blowing through the air, the temperature just colder than warm but not cold enough to be freezing. The sky was dark, a midnight kind of sky, and not many stars were visible. All the skyscrapers, clouds, and light pollution had long blocked them out. Basch wasn’t fond of big cities like this, but meetings were meetings (which meant they were required and never-ending) and he had a duty that came before his own will and his own name. Honestly, one of the few things he liked about big cities was the fact no one gave a shit about what other people were doing half of the time. It saved him from the embarrassment his coworkers seemed to bring him whenever he was seen with them in public. Additionally, it gave him a strange sense of privacy, and he knew that no one would care that he wasn’t standing on the balcony of the hotel room alone.
“Yeah? What is it, Lorenzo?”
“You’ve been staring off into space for a while now. Something on your mind?” Lorenzo asked.
Lorenzo was leaning on the railing of the balcony. It wasn’t a big balcony, barely enough space for the two of them and the random chair in the corner, and it didn’t have much of a view either. Unless seeing into someone’s apartment or office counted as a view. The city had its benefits, but it sometimes felt too lifeless despite the neon glows of shops and the people that still walked around below. No, the balcony didn’t give Basch any view he liked more than he liked Lorenzo. But that might have been weird to say. Being (somewhat) a hermit also had its benefits but sometimes it made things difficult, especially when talking to others…
So he lied. “Not much.”
Lorenzo hummed, that one hum that basically said “I think you’re lying but I’m not going to push, but don’t get me wrong, I know you’re lying and this is your chance to come clean before I briefly glare at you and then change the topic we’re talking about” because somehow that was all communicated in a hum.
And so Basch let out a sigh, a sigh that said “No, I’m not telling you” because somehow he understood Lorenzo. He knew Lorenzo. Lorenzo knew him. Somehow.
“Will you at least tell me why you can’t sleep? You left the sliding door open and it’s fucking freezing in our room,” Lorenzo grimaced.
Basch dodged the question. “I’m not taking any chances after hearing that story of how that idiot locked himself out on the balcony.”
“And? You’re not an idiot and the cold woke me up. Hell, you didn’t even need to go out on the balcony, I don’t know why you’d take the risk in the first place,” Lorenzo countered.
Well there was a reason for that. Lots of reasons, actually.
(Because I couldn’t sleep with you in the same room as me. Because seeing you at ease around me, enough to lower your guard and lay beside me without fear or worry, made me feel a way I don’t want to think about. Because no one is supposed to get this close, much less someone with a reputation like yours, and us sharing a hotel room to cut costs and because we’re close forced me to think about this all when I’m supposed to be resting for the continuation of the meeting tomorrow. Because you look so handsome, because you have made space in your heart and in your life to care about me, because you trust me with your being and name, because throughout our time slowly becoming friends, I have grown far too attached to you. Because I’m afraid I care too much, so much I may be going against the very will and status quo of what I represent. Because I feel like a creep watching the gentle rise and fall of your chest as you dream away while I can’t rest since our room had only one bed to cut costs further.)
However, Basch was not going to elaborate. Once again, lying, he shrugged. “I needed some fresh air, I guess.”
“At 1am?” Ah, so that’s what time it was. “Everything ended early today, and you actually care about getting the right amount of sleep. Basch, unless something is horribly wrong, by all means, you should be asleep in bed and I should too. This shit is fucking tiring, even I don’t want to be up.”
(It was almost funny, how Lorenzo seemed to be quite the night owl. Parties, night life, an excuse to sleep in- it was all up his alley, as long as he got his daytime rest. When Basch asked why, Lorenzo said that he worked hard enough in the day to deserve a little fun at night. And he could work hard after all. Just when he felt like it, though, which gets pretty rare when all the work is so repetitive and no one can ever leave their job without dying. The only funny part was the contrast between them, how Basch only stayed up late if he couldn’t sleep or needed to work, and made sure to wake up early to get a head start on his day. Basch knew, in the morning, he was going to wake up earlier than Lorenzo and see him sleeping beside him, but he didn’t expect it to be this early in the morning, if 1am was even the morning in the first place. Night and day blend together like that, mixing up and confusing him and his feelings.)
“Nothing’s wrong, go back to bed,” Basch insisted, waving Lorenzo off. He could see Lorenzo shivering in the cold, not used to the cool air and only wearing his pants and his barely-on dress shirt from the day before that he’d strewn across a chair inside. It wasn’t buttoned.
“ Basch, ” Lorenzo repeated, a warning tone coating his voice. “I’m groggy from waking up less than half an hour ago, and this all feels a little like a dream to me, so excuse my words but just for a minute… fuck our jobs, the lives that were decided for us, and everything that comes along with it, you’re my friend and I care about you a lot and nothing can change that!” He pounded his fist on the railing. “Yeah, I know you’re neutral and no one seems to trust me anymore, but you can rely on me, alright? Out here, on this night, we’re Lorenzo and Basch, nothing more. So please,” he said, turning to look Basch in the eye, his voice becoming desperate, “tell me. There’s been something off about you for weeks and I just want to know if you, Basch, are okay.”
“Lorenzo…” Basch… didn’t expect that at all. He made Lorenzo worry all this time? And hell, he never realized how bold Lorenzo was when he was still half asleep, not awake enough to worry as much about the consequences of his words. “I…”
But could he really tell him? Tell Lorenzo how much he cared for him, more than he felt that he’d cared for most people before? That hearing his name, the name he chose for himself, on Lorenzo’s lips made him want to kiss them, that he wanted to indulge their fantasy of being normal people with normal lives and truly free wills that could fall in and out of love as they pleased? Could he ever tell Lorenzo how he made the loneliness disappear?
“Basch-” and now Lorenzo’s hand was on his own, before he quickly pulled away. “Shit, your hand is fucking freezing!”
He smiled at Lorenzo. A somewhat sad smile, because even if they could try to see if this really was love, maybe he would still be too cold for Lorenzo, a man who lived and loved and danced under the sun by the sea. His own heart still needed to thaw out, but the brief warmth from Lorenzo’s hand almost made him want to melt. ( Perhaps , he mused, this was what people called being “touch starved”... )
“Why are your hands so cold? How long have you been out here- are your hands always this cold? I know you live in the mountains but still, what the fuck…” Lorenzo questioned, still shocked, but not shocked enough apparently, since he picked up Basch’s hand and held it again.
“Ah, I don’t know, they’ve been like that for as long as I can remember. Never thought about it much,” Basch answered breathlessly because Lorenzo is holding his hand gently and his hands are warm and Lorenzo is so absolutely gentle that Basch doesn't know what to do with himself .
Lorenzo was right when he said this all felt like a dream. The wind felt real, the way Lorenzo gently shivered was real, their hands touching was real, and yet, it felt surreal in a strange way. Maybe Basch really needed that sleep. But most importantly, Lorenzo looked like he was getting colder, and even though he had distracted himself temporarily, his shaking only got more obvious.
“Fuck, how has any one held your hand before?” Lorenzo asked, somehow still focused on this.
Instead of clarifying that no, people actually didn’t tend to hold his hand, Basch instead said, “I think you need to get to bed, you should go back inside.”
“Eh? What, why? I didn’t do shit, you have no evidence,” Lorenzo argued, holding Basch’s hand tighter.
“You’re shivering, you need to get someplace warm, and that place is inside and under the bed sheets,” Basch explained. “Now go.”
“And what about you?” Lorenzo asked.
“What about me?”
“Don’t you need someplace warm too?”
Basch did need someplace warm. He needed the lower towns away from the mountains, he needed the summer celebrations, but that was all back at home, in Switzerland, and wouldn’t leave him. It was him , after all. No, he needed Lorenzo’s hand guiding him to the most beautiful sights of southern Italy, his glowing smile of pride, the setting sun sinking into the sea as they sat side by side. What Basch yearned for was Lorenzo laying beside him in bed tonight, even if he didn’t entirely understand his feelings or had yet to confess them, even if Lorenzo hadn’t said anything either.
But it was entirely selfish and cruel, taking advantage of Lorenzo’s kindness, so Basch couldn’t, no matter how badly he needed it.
Basch shook his head. “No, you need to get inside.”
“Sleep with me.”
“I- Excuse me?” Basch choked.
Lorenzo repeated himself. “Sleep with me. You need some rest, I need some rest, and I’ll fucking cuddle you to sleep if that’s the only way I can keep you from staring outside at nothing and freezing to death.”
Oh, that’s what he meant.
…
(Basch didn’t know if he was disappointed or relieved.)
“I’ve almost frozen to death before, I assure you, I know how-” Basch started, before Lorenzo started to drag him inside. “Lorenzo! What do you think you’re doing?”
“You. Me. Sleep. Now, ” Lorenzo said determinedly. “It was nice to stand on the balcony with you for a bit but we need our rest now and I’m trying to be responsible for once because you’re rubbing off on me and I fucking care about you. Now cooperate .”
“Fine,” Basch said, like he was tired and definitely not touched by Lorenzo’s actions once again. “But if you hog the blankets, I’m getting up again.”
“I live somewhere warmer than you, I have every right to steal the blankets when you opened the door and made it cold in here,” Lorenzo declared as he went inside. “Deal with it.”
And so Basch did. Because after they closed the door, closed the blinds, checked all the doors were locked, the two men climbed in bed together and laid down. It felt like safety and trust and comfort. Something on the verge of love. Maybe not there yet in the romantic sense, but as Basch felt himself falling asleep and Lorenzo’s arms wrapping around his waist, his heart melted a little more and the world felt like a better place.
In Lorenzo’s arms, the busy city was a meeting place, the hotel room was an oasis, and their bed was warm and comfortable. The world was a beautiful place when Basch was able to look at it with the care Lorenzo directed at him. And as he drifted off to a dreamless sleep, for the first time in a while, he regretted having to sleep because he found something better than his greatest dreams.