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Oh, you're spiraling again
The moment right before it ends, you're most afraid of
Buck stands on the edge of the pier. The cold fingers of the wind curl around his arms, as if beckoning him closer. It's sickly ironic that he's choosing to do it here. To end his life in the place where he fought so hard to keep it. But maybe there's some poetic justice in that. He was always meant to die. He's simply finishing the task the world has repeatedly failed. So many times he's almost been killed, and yet for some reason he survived. Why him? Why was he deserving of life when others weren't? He has nothing to give. He's worthless. Broken. All he does is hurt the people around him. He wants so badly to die. So why can't he just fucking jump?
He checked all his boxes. He finalized his will. He left notes. He's planned everything down to the last detail. He should be able to complete the final step, the easiest step. Over the railing and into the water below. His hands dig into the wooden railing, the grain biting into his palms. The pain is grounding. Real. Buck stares at the sky. It's an unusually clear night, and he can see the stars. The moon is almost full. He stares upwards, trying to ignore the call of the ocean below.
But, don't you cancel any plans
'Cause I won't let you get the chance to never make them
Eddie wakes up for a glass of water. There's a folded piece of paper on the kitchen table. His name is written on it, in Buck's distinctive handwriting. It's not until Eddie reaches the second line that he realizes it's a suicide note. Panic engulfs him, his ears ringing and the words of the letter blurring. He runs to the living room, but Buck's not sleeping on the couch. He's gone. He even locked the door after himself.
Eddie forces the fear aside so that he can think. He needs a plan, he needs to find Buck before it's too late, what if it's already too late, he-
Focus. He's going to find Buck. He's going to bring him home.
Stayed on the line with you the entire night
'Til you let it out and let it in
Eddie calls Buck. It goes to voicemail. He tries again, with the same result. He goes to track Buck's location, but it's turned off. He'll have to find Buck himself. He's torn as to whether he should leave Chris home alone or take him with. But as he doesn't know what he'll find, it's best he spares Chris the fear. He goes to his son's room and runs a hand through his hair, gently waking him. Chris blinks a few times before fully waking up.
"Hey, buddy. I'm sorry to wake you. Buck is a little lost, and I need to go find him. Carla will be here at 8 like usual, okay? Hopefully I'll be home then too."
Don't let this darkness fool you
All lights turned off can be turned on
"Buck's lost? I'm coming with you," the boy says as he feels around for his glasses.
Eddie feels love swell in his chest. Chris loves his Buck so much, and Buck loves him the same.
"No, you need to go back to sleep. I promise I'll find Buck."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
Eddie kisses his son on the forehead. Then he grabs his car keys and runs out the door.
I'll drive, I'll drive all night
I'll call your mom
Eddie realizes he doesn't know where to start. LA is a giant city. There's too much ground to cover on his own. There's one person who might be able to help him. He dials Athena's number. She picks up on the third ring.
"Eddie? What's going on?"
"Buck is missing. He left a suicide note."
He hears noise in the background as Athena rouses Bobby.
"I'll get patrols on the look out. Any idea where he may have gone?"
"There are a few places."
"You take one, and we'll take another. I'll call everyone else. We'll find our boy."
Oh, dear, don't be discouraged
I've been exactly where you are
I'll drive, I'll drive all night
I'll call your mom
I'll call your mom
Athena promises she'll get teams out looking for him. She and Bobby are already in the car, headed on their search for Buck. When they hang up, the silence sets in. His mind swirls with worse case scenarios. He forces himself to ignore the negative possibilities. They'll find Buck. They have to.
Waiting room, no placе to stand
His greatest fears and wringing hands and thе loudest silence
Too many times Bobby has been in the waiting room. So many times Buck has come close to death, and each time, Bobby felt like a piece of him was dying too. Buck came crashing into his life, and now he doesn't know what to do without him.
He and Athena make their way to the front desk of the hospital. They ask if an Evan Buckley has come in, or anyone matching his description. The moments of waiting while the nurse checks the computer feels like a lifetime. The nurse says there's no one matching his name or description. Buck isn't here.
Bobby doesn't know whether that's better or worse.
Buck is his kid. He's already lost too much. He won't lose Buck too.
They head to the next hospital.
Stayed on the line with you the entire night
'Til you told me that you had to go
Buck ignores the ringing of his phone. When it doesn't stop, he simply switches it off. He sees missed calls from Eddie, Athena, Bobby, Hen, Maddie, Chim. Eddie must have found his note. He wasn't supposed to find it until the morning. Buck knows that he should call someone. That he should ask for help. But he doesn't want to. He doesn't think he's ever felt more at peace than now. All the pain is almost over.
It's a good feeling.
Don't let this darkness fool you
All lights turned off can be turned on
I'll drive, I'll drive all night
I'll call your mom
Eddie feels a flash of hope when he sees Bobby calling. The hope is immediately dashed when Bobby says Buck isn't at the hospital. They're headed to a different one. Bobby reassures him they'll find Buck. Eddie ignores the way Bobby's voice shakes.
Eddie has checked multiple places, each one empty. He keeps driving. If he keeps moving, keeps looking, the panic won't overwhelm him. He'll keep driving until he finds Buck.
Oh, dear, don't be discouraged
I've been exactly where you are
I'll drive, I'll drive all night
I'll call your mom
Eddie can't lose Buck. He can't. For over three minutes, he knew what a world without Buck felt like. It's not a world he wants to live in. The grief he felt, it's something he can't ever really describe in words. It was like his soul was being torn apart from the inside. His heart was ripped from his chest, and he was choking on his own blood. The grief was all encompassing. His world was frozen, shattering around him.
After the lightning strike he promised himself he'd tell Buck. That he wouldn't lose this chance. But he was a coward. He was too scared to tell him. And now, he may never be able to tell Buck at all.
Medicate, meditate, swear your soul to Jesus
Throw a punch, fall in love, give yourself a reason
One day Eddie will find a nice woman, and he'll settle down, he and Chris will get the family they deserve. The thought of Chris makes tears gather in Buck's eyes. He was never going to see him again. But this is best for everyone. He lost Chris in a fucking tsunami, he's only putting the boy in danger.
Buck regrets that he never told Eddie. He never told him that the love felt like it would burst from his chest, that he loved Eddie more than oxygen and more than life. But maybe that was for the best. Eddie could never love someone like him, shouldn't love someone like him. Eddie has a future ahead of him. Buck doesn't. If you love someone, you let them go.
And anyway, everyone always leaves. This time Buck is leaving first.
Don't wanna drive another mile wondering if you're breathing
So, won't you stay? Won't you stay? Won't you stay with me?
Eddie and Chris had been alone for the longest time. Then Buck came falling into their lives, and he filled a void they hadn't known was there. He became a part of their family. Buck is as much a dad to Christopher as Eddie is. Eddie was going to show Buck the drawing Chris did in the morning. It was of the three of them, and titled 'my family'. If only Buck knew how loved he is, how much he means to his family.
Buck is sunlight. He is so loving and kind. He gives every piece of himself to help others. Yet for some reason he feels that he's worthless, that he's a burden. Eddie wishes that Buck could see how much me brings to this world. The world is brighter with Evan Buckley in it.
Medicate, meditate, save your soul for Jesus
Throw a punch, fall in love, give yourself a reason
Eddie doesn't consider himself a religious man. But for the first time in years, he prays. He prays to whatever God is out there that he gets to Buck in time. Eddie never really saw the appeal of praying. He had been through terrible things, lost so much, and for what? Everyone always said it was part of God's plan. But what kind of God would cause such strife, such grief? Why should he pray to a God that appeared so uncaring? But now, he's desperate. He would do - will do - anything he can to bring Buck back.
For so long Eddie had been lost. He lost himself in war, in grief, in anger. Yet Buck found him. And even after the lawsuit, when Eddie spiraled into violence, Buck broke down every one of his defenses. From the first day they met, he was falling in love with the man. Life got better. He found a reason to grow, to love, to be happy. Buck has saved him more times than he can count. Now it's his turn to save Buck.
Don't wanna drive another mile without knowing you're breathing
Eddie parks at the pier.
He sees a figure standing near the edge.
He knows without a doubt it's Buck.
So, won't you stay? Won't you stay? Won't you stay with me?
"Buck."
He turns around. His eyes are red from crying. He stares at Eddie vacantly.
"You're not supposed to be here."
Eddie slowly walks forward, approaching Buck like he's a skittish animal. For his part, Buck doesn't seem inclined to move at all.
"You should go, Eddie."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"It's better for everyone if I'm gone. You know that."
The way Buck says the words so matter-of-factly makes Eddie's heart shatter.
"No. We need you in our lives. Chris needs you, Maddie needs you, I need you. You mean so much to so many people. I have lived in a world without you. It was dark, and cold, and it's one I refuse to live in. You are so good. You are sunlight, you're- you're everything."
Eddie feels tears running down his face. Buck looks over the railing. He looks back at Eddie. The vacant look in his eyes has disappeared, replaced with a deep sadness. It's a pain that goes deeper than Eddie could have ever imagined. Then Buck steps towards Eddie.
Don't let this darkness fool you
All lights turned off can be turned on
Eddie grabs Buck and pulls him away from the edge and into his arms. He cries into Buck's hair, holding him tight. Buck sobs into his neck.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Buck cries.
"It's alright. You're going to be okay. I've got your back."
Eddie presses a kiss to Buck's head. He revels in the fact that Buck is here, alive. Each stuttered breath Eddie feels against his skin is proof that Buck is okay.
They don't know how long they stand there. But eventually, Eddie leads them back to the car. As they drive, Buck stares absently out the window.
I'll drive, I'll drive all night
I'll call your mom
"I need to call Athena and let everyone know you're okay."
Buck nods.
Eddie calls her, and she picks up on the first ring.
"I found him. He's okay. We're in the car, I'm driving him home."
"Oh, thank God."
Eddie can hear Athena crying. Bobby takes the phone and tearfully asks to speak to Buck. Eddie puts it on speaker.
"Buck? You there kid?"
"Hi, Bobby."
His voice is flat, emotionless.
"I want you to know that I love you, kid. So much."
"I love you too, dad."
Maybe it's the lack of sleep, or the turmoil of everything, but Buck doesn't seem to realize he's used the word 'dad'. No one corrects him. Bobby is his dad, that's a fact. Eddie takes them off speakerphone. They talk briefly about a plan for tomorrow. They'll come over in the morning to watch Chris while Eddie helps Buck. For now though, the priority is getting Buck home.
When they get arrive, Eddie gets him inside. They'll deal with everything in the morning. For now, Buck needs to sleep. Instead of the couch, Eddie brings Buck to his bedroom. Buck climbs into the bed without complaint. Eddie climbs in next to him. He anticipates Buck wanting space, but instead Buck tucks himself into Eddie. He lays his head against Eddie's chest, intertwining their legs. Eddie presses a soft kiss to the top of Buck's head.
In the morning, perhaps things will change. But for now, Eddie relishes the contact. Buck is okay. He's alive and breathing. And when he's better, Eddie will tell him. Buck deserves to know how loved he is. But for now, he simply watches Buck rest. They have a bright future ahead of them.
Oh, dear, don't be discouraged
I've been exactly where you are
I'll drive, I'll drive all night (Night)
I'll call your mom