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“Hyung?” Chan blinks in the darkness. Suffocates the instinct to immediately respond to Felix’s voice. “Changbin hyung?”
Not him then. Good call.
“Yeah?” Changbin whispers from his bed.
“You not asleep?”
“No.”
Felix closes the door, slowly, quietly. Always mindful. He taps over the floor until he can fit in Changbin’s bed. Most nights Chan can be pretty chill Felix chooses to cuddle Changbin instead of him. Tonight, he’s feeling a little sensitive. Dry at the edges.
“I talked to Hyunjin.” Felix says.
Oh. This is bound to be an interesting conversation. Chan feels anxiety creep up his stomach, even though he’s not part of it. Even though he shouldn’t even be listening.
“About what?” Changbin asks.
“About you two.”
Oh wow. Okay. That’s never happened before, right? At least not to Chan’s knowledge, but there are many things he misses happening between his members. It makes him sad. Sometimes he wishes he could clone himself so there’d be one of him to make music and focus on work and the other would be more involved with all their problems.
Changbin doesn’t say anything. Chan knows he’d stay quiet in his place too. It’s such an unfair place. He doesn’t envy him.
When it becomes clear there won’t be a response, Felix speaks up again. “I told him that… That I can’t stand to look at you doing this anymore.”
“Yongbokkie…”
Chan wonders if Changbin is stroking Felix’s cheek. If he’s tucking his hair behind his ear. It’s what Chan would do, if Felix was in his bed. But Changbin is good and he’s calculated and he’s kind. Maybe he doesn’t do it because he knows what it would mean to Felix. Maybe he spears him the cruelty of dangling what he can’t have in front of his nose.
“Hyung.” Felix’s voice is steady, surprisingly so. Chan should stop listening. He should pretend they woke him up. He should get out and give them privacy. This isn’t for him to hear. He stays put. “It’s okay. Really. I know you think… Well. It’s okay. It makes me sad that I’m the reason you two aren’t together.”
Chan’s heart breaks a little. Cracks in the corner. He swallows and doesn’t move a muscle. It’s one thing to love Felix from afar and know nothing could ever happen between them. To know Felix’s heart belongs to a man Chan considers a brother, despite the fact that it will never receive all the care and love it deserves. Not the way it would if Chan was its keeper. That pain he’s learned to live with. What’s unbearable is seeing Felix’s unhappiness. Seeing him steal glances at Changbin while Changbin is busy looking at Hyunjin. Chan knows. He’s noticed because he’s always looking at Felix himself. That’s what cuts deeper, reaches into his chest and twists his insides.
If he had one wish, it would be for Changbin to love Felix back. For Felix to be happy.
“You’re not the reason.” Changbin says, firm but gentle. This can’t be easy for him either.
“Hyung.” Okay, there is that waver to his voice. Chan fists his pillowcase. “Please. I’m telling you it’s okay.” Felix swallows. He’s gonna start crying, Chan would recognize that tone anywhere. “You love him. And he loves you. We all know it.”
They do.
“You’re holding back, because of me. Hyunjin is holding back because of me. It’s not fair.” Felix insists. Still no tears. “I don’t want that. I want you to be happy. Both of you. You’re perfect together, you deserve it more than anyone in the world. You’re my best friends, all I want is for you to be happy.”
His voice breaks on the last word. Chan bites his lower lip. He wonders how hard he has to bite to draw blood. Felix is in pain and all Chan’s ever wanted to do is take it away from him. Make his life easy. Protect him. Help him. Love him. Fix it. He can’t fix this. It cuts deeper.
“Come here.” Changbin sighs.
Good. That’s good. Felix is getting hugged. He likes that, needs it. Changbin is a good friend. He’s done nothing wrong. Chan feels for him too.
“We’re happy.”
“Not as happy as you could be.” He whines. He’s crying but it’s barely there. Chan aches to hold his hand. “Hyung, just. Please. Please, listen to me. I knew, okay? I knew right from the start. First time I saw you, I saw Hyunjin 10 minutes later. I saw the way you looked at him, even back then. When we were kids. From the moment I met you, I knew you two loved each other. I knew it would never be me.”
Ouch. That hits a little close to home. Chan also knew it would never be him.
“But I couldn’t help it, you know? It’s just… it is what it is. You can’t choose who you fall in love with.”
Ain’t that the truth.
“But I never thought I’d have a chance. I knew that, this whole time. And I’m so sick of you two not doing anything and I know it’s because of me. I know. You’re both such lovely people. You deserve nothing but happiness. You deserve each other. It’s not like you can force yourself to love me back. And I wouldn’t want you to! If you think it would hurt me seeing you with Hyunjinnie, please understand that it hurts me more to see you both miserable and wasting your time. I promise you.”
Chan thinks it’s quite ironic that the first thing that pops in his head is how he and Felix truly are soulmates. They’re so similar. They’re the same. He understands where Felix is coming from. If it was the other way around, if Felix wasn’t with Changbin because of him, he’d be heartbroken too.
He guesses that’s true love, though.
Still, he doesn’t think he’s wrong about soulmates. They don’t have to be together. Felix doesn’t have to love him the same way Chan loves him, for it to be true. It can be destined to meet, but not destined to end up together. Some soulmates just don’t. Having Felix in his life is already gift enough.
“I’m sorry.” Changbin says. Is he crying? Chan can’t tell for sure. His ears aren’t as sharp when it comes to people who aren’t Felix. “I’m really sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Felix sniffs. Chan can imagine him licking his lips. “It’s okay. It’s really, truly okay. You’re my friend, before you’re anything else. I want you to be happy.”
Then there’s silence. Chan waits. He wants to check on them. Hug them both.
“Okay.” Felix eventually says. Maybe they were hugging until now. “Okay, go to him. Come on. I already talked to him, I told him I’ll come talk to you. He was the same, you’re both so stubborn.”
“We just—“
“I know. I know, Changbinnie hyung. You don’t wanna hurt me. You won’t hurt me by being with the person you love. It’s what I want for you.”
Felix gets up first, Chan assumes. Changbin follows. He keeps his eyes closed. They stand there for a few moments before there are footsteps. Changbin, going to Hyunjin. How lovely. How good. If only it didn’t hurt Felix in the process, it would make Chan even happier.
Once the door closes and it’s just the two of them in their bedroom, Felix takes a deep breath. Trying to calm himself, Chan recognizes. He stays still and hopes Felix will come to him for comfort. He’ll crawl up the ladder and curl up against Chan’s back. Seek him out, now that Changbin is no longer here. Now that Changbin is more than ever, definitely not Felix’s.
Felix doesn’t. It doesn’t really sting. He thinks Chan is asleep. He’s considerate like that.
Instead, he climbs in his single bed, alone. He tries to be as quiet as possible, Chan knows. But it’s inevitable. Chan waits all of 30 seconds before deciding that he physically can’t listen to Felix burying his face in the pillow. It will suffocate them both.
He gets up and crosses the distance between them. Puts a hand on Felix’s shoulder, gentle. “Do you wanna be alone or could you use company?”
“I don’t wanna be alone.” Felix says.
“Okay then. Scoot over.”
He does. Chan spoons him, holding him close. Felix sobs, breaking. He quickly turns around, until he can place his face in Chan’s neck. Hide from him or himself, Chan doesn’t know. He squeezes his eyes shut because he really doesn’t need to stress Felix out more tonight. He can do this. He can take it. Be a leader, be his hyung. His friend.
Hand rubbing Felix’s arm, he brings him closer. “I’m sorry I heard all of that.”
“’s okay.” Felix shakes his head. “Would have told you anyway, easier this way. They’ll finally get together, you would find out.”
Chan kisses his forehead. His hair is so soft where it tickles his nose. Felix cries, his body shaking. Chan tries to hold him together.
“I just…” he starts, cheek wet against Chan’s collarbone. “I just wish it was me. A little bit. Like, a tiny bit. Is that bad?” he sounds exhausted.
“No.” Chan says. “No, it’s not bad.”
I wish it was me too he thinks.