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Jimmy never knew how much time slowed when you were falling.
There was enough time for him to register the shouts from above, Grian's sharp cry of "No Jim!" washed away by the faintly whistling wind. Enough time to feel his body grow weightless, wings stiff and bound tightly by the rules of the game, seeing the ground he once called home only grow larger in his vision.
Enough time for the realisation to set in, that this would be his undoing, that his failures had all led him to this moment, falling with his own explosives. A slip up, a mis-step.
A mistake.
He had played this game enough to know that his death would always come quietly, snuck up behind to masquerade as a surprise every time. Poor Jimmy, the true victim, always the first to fall to his own incompetence. Clumsy, helpless, naive.
As his eyes closed in the face of death, his last thought was of how blind one could be to the truth everyone else seemed to see, so easily. That maybe his death was not such a surprise, when he was the furthest thing from a useful ally or player.
He chose not to stick around and watch, afterwards. Some things were better left unheard.
_____
He sat on the steps of his ranch, fingers fiddling with the lasso on his hip as his empty gaze tracked the setting sun. Jimmy was a busy man, the sole sheriff of a big town, and so it made sense why he could not go with the others to celebrate the end of another successful game. Never mind how the other busier empire leaders could find the time for it, nor how he was currently sitting doing nothing in his town, fingers twisting knots in the rope.
The ranch was the closest thing he had to a safe space. He liked coming here to retire for the night, to think about the games and what could have been.
Wrapping his arm tighter around his bent knee, he allowed himself a brief second to imagine what it would be like if he had listened to Scott, and went with him to the gathering. If his fracturing heart could have handled the disappointment and mockery that would greet him there.
“Come on, Jimmy, it’s not like you to miss this.”
“I’m fine, Scott. Tell the other bad boys I’ll see them around another time.”
A disbelieving glance. “Fine. But you’re going to have to tell someone, if not me, what’s wrong.”
Jimmy was a practical man, and the butt of most jokes between the other lifers. But there were only so many jabs one can take, before the weight of those words start to sink in and distort the line between humour and truth. Despite an ever smaller voice telling him that the others would never be so cruel, it was hard to believe it after all he went through in those games.
Jimmy was a practical man. And so, surrounded by the sort of peaceful silence a death game could never bring, he allowed himself to make a list, scribbling his thoughts away on a yellowed page in his pocket.
#1 - The others do not care about me and what I love.
In his mind, Grian's dry voice echoes from behind, dismissing his concern over Judge Judy and Executioner the frog. His little pet and squabble with the nosy neighbours went largely ignored by his allies, with Grian especially treating it like a nuisance.
As if the death of his frog hadn't hurt, the knife twisting even deeper at each dismissing scoff.
It was not just the bad boys, either. He recalled the fire reflected in Tango's eyes as their home blazed down at the hands of Scar, and a terrifying rage that did not belong to him bubbling in his chest. Remembered relishing in that anger, and wondering why he never seemed to feel that fiercely at all the injustice he shouldered during the games.
Anything he held dear to his heart only seemed to burn along with himself, as an emotion far more dangerous than anger bloomed in the wake of each death.
Grief.
#2 - My actions only seek to burden them.
Spending time with Grian and Joel forced him to develop a thickened skin, capable of deflecting harsh words and leaving little bruises in its wake. But he could not deny the hot embarrassment lining his stretched smile as the others laughed at his little contributions to the base.
Never mind his aching back from carrying stacks of stone back up to their chest. Whatever he did never seemed to be enough.
He never claimed to be a builder. And yet, his simple action of trying to add on to their builds, to carve himself a place to call home in the sky, was mocked endlessly for its aesthetics. For ruining the view.
He knew it was not the best build, himself. He did not need them to harp on his shortcomings when he already knew he would never be as good as them.
#3 - My death will only bring more death to my allies.
There was a second, lesser known part about his proclaimed curse, where his closest allies would never go on to win the games. The games were for fun, as they all knew, but he knew that a lot of them were secretly competitive.
He knew, from the little side glances he frequently caught, that the others frequently considered leaving him for dead.
You cannot curse your allies if you have none, after all.
On and on he went, scribbling out the truths he had unearthed from his reflections, until the page had long ran out of space, ink smudged by the tears in his eyes. The humour was long gone, now, and he felt his heart squeeze sharply at the thought of going back in the next iteration of the games.
Maybe it was time to stop playing such silly games.
He could not face the two of them together, yet. He just needed more time to let the bruises fade once more.
(They might never fade this time.)
_____
“Jimmy!” He took a deep breath upon hearing that voice behind, steeling himself as he straightened up. He knew their talk was not over from before.
"Hi Scott! What's up?" He turned around, greeting his fellow ruler a smile. The transport llama beside Scott blinked slowly in greeting.
"Nothing much." The man hummed, leaning against the cart Jimmy was stocking. "Just wanted to check on your empire, though I heard you were having problems with a certain God."
He tried his best to hide the wince, knowing how well Scott could read him. Joel had adopted a new character in this world, and seemed hell bent on making his life harder everyday through different pranks. Normally, it would have been fine, an echo of the usual dynamic they had between them.
After everything in the life games, it was a sore spot for him.
Judging from the sharp twinkle in Scott's eye, he thinks he was not very successful at pretending.
"Well, he's a little bit of a nuisance, but it's fine, really." The hand hanging by his side reached for the grounding feeling of his lasso once more, fiddling slowly. His haze dropped from Scott's to the ground, feeling a bit like a trapped animal.
They let the silence linger, for a second too long.
"Have you talked to anyone about the recent life game yet?" Scott hummed, as his eyes darted back to those knowing ones.
The truth was, he had been avoiding both Grain and Joel, unwilling to face them yet until he was ready. It was a lot easier with Grian, considering they lived in different worlds, but Joel had taken to coming over more often to disturb him in character which really only made things worse.
He was not ready to face them yet. But he knew what Scott would say if he told him the truth.
(Scott was a reasonable man, and one who did not take kindly to miscommunication. He would definitely force the three of them to talk, if he knew.)
"Of course." He put on a show of rolling his eyes, hands rising to rest on his hips. "With how often that man comes over? We've had that conversation, no need to worry Scott!"
"If you say so." Scott shrugged. It was hard to tell what he was thinking, most of the time. "In that case, I brought over some dyes to trade, what do you have?"
He secretly breathed a sigh of relief, as the familiar tones of bargaining overtook their conversation. At least Scott would drop the issue now.
_____
You whisper to Scott: You sure Timmy will be there?
Smajor1995 whispers to you: We haven't seen him leave his base in days, but there are signs of new things being added. He's there, if you wish to talk.
You whisper to Smajor1995: Let me in the world, then. It's time we settled this.
Smajor1995 whispers to you: I'll get Joel to meet you at spawn.
_____
Jimmy whistled quietly as he walked through Tumble Town, greeting some of the residents with an easygoing smile as he passed. Scott had asked to meet up with him, citing some things they had to settle between their empires, and so Jimmy was waiting around for Scott to show up. The morning air was still cool against his skin, and a walk through the town was the perfect way for him to start the day.
It also had the added benefit of taking his mind off of whatever it was Scott wanted to talk about. He did not doubt it would be a more difficult conversation than just trading.
The smell of morning dew filled his nose as he walked out a little further from the town, taking in the view of the sun coming over the horizon. A soft smile graced his features, as his mind started to wander adrift, fixed on what he could add to the town next.
Life was so peaceful without the death games looming over him. Nothing could take this perfect morning away from him.
“Hi Tim.”
He jumped up and turned with a screech, wings flaring out behind him to stop himself from toppling into a nearby cactus. In front of him stood Grian and Joel, Grian's multi coloured wings staying flat down as he stood there, head cocked to the side and eyes dancing with mirth. Beside him, Joel offered a sheepish smile, hands held out placatingly.
All of a sudden, his perfect morning was becoming more like a nightmare.
"Hi boys…" He offered, unable to stop the strain in his smile. "Grian, how did you get here?"
"We need to talk, Jimmy." Whenever Grian used his real name, he knew things were going to get serious. "Can we go somewhere more private?"
"It won't take that long, right? I've got… many things to do."
"Scott let us in the loop, Jim, we know you're free for the next hour at least." Joel hummed, and internally Jimmy cursed that eagle-eyed man for knowing him too well. "Please?"
"Fine, we can… go to the ranch." He mumbled, stepping between the two of them to walk back into town as his mind raced. He had been putting off this conversation for too long, purposely, scared of how they would react to his thoughts. Would they laugh, call him sensitive? Or would they sigh, express their disappointments and simply stop inviting him out?
Jimmy wasn't sure what he wanted, really. Plus, he was not ready to talk about it, or face whatever their reaction may be. Really, the best thing to do was to convince them that nothing was wrong, and send them on their way. Hope that he can handle the subsequent teasing without tearing his heart open.
Easier said than done.
Twin footsteps fell in line behind him as they made their way to the ranch, oblivious to the chaos in Jimmy's mind. Letting them into his home, he fussed around the kitchen for a while, trembling hands searching for mugs to make some tea for the two. He couldn't seem to stop shaking.
A hand reached for him, pushing the cup gently down onto the counter. The touch felt like branding. "It's fine, Jimmy. Just come to the table."
He sucked in a deep breath, hearing the soothing tone in Joel's voice, as he allowed himself to be led back to the living area. Grian was already sprawled all over the chair, and despite himself a small smile already slid on his face, remembering the simpler times they shared in the last games.
There was a reason for their arrival, though.
"Okay boys, what's wrong? Why have you guys come over?" He started, feigning more confidence than he felt.
"Well… you know we always talk about what happens in the games to our allies, its tradition at this point. But you didn't come to the gathering, and it's almost been a month at this point." Grian frowned. "Are you avoiding us?"
"Of course not, why would I?" Jimmy chuckled, wringing his wrists. "Besides you don't have to worry about little old me, we're fine lads."
"Then why have you been so distant? We used to hang out even outside the games, what happened?" Grian pressed on.
"Whenever I come over, you seem really jumpy, too." Joel added. "Did something happen in the games, did we do something wrong?"
Jimmy stood up now, breaths coming a little deeper as he forced himself to smile. "Come on now, you guys didn't care this much during the games… I'm fine, truly."
He only realised a little too late what he said, as Grian's eyes narrowed instantly. It was almost like he could see the puzzle pieces in his mind shift around in realtime.
The jig was up.
"What do you mean, we didn't care." His eyes landed on Joel, who looked back quizzically. "We did care about you."
"That's not what I said, I said-"
"Jimmy." He shut his lips immediately, feeling the mood shift entirely. Something dangerous lay in Grian's tone. "What were we in the previous game?"
"...Allies." He mumbled, looking away.
"Allies, Jim. That means we trust each other to have our backs, no matter what. Did you trust us to have yours?"
He should have agreed, fooled Grian into believing he was just overthinking it all. But that smaller voice from before stopped him in his tracks, tired of the secrecy, wanting to just fix whatever mess had become of their easy friendship. He missed his friends, despite their dynamic.
The decision was taken out of his hands, as each passing second of hesitation seemed to confirm something to Grian. He saw the moment that anger shifted to grief.
"Jimmy." He looked away, unable to handle the heartbroken tone in Joel's voice. "Don't tell me you thought we didn't care for you."
"You guys didn't seem too concerned about my frog." He muttered, feeling more and more like a chastised child. "You guys never seemed to want to know what I was up to."
"Timmy, I didn't care about that frog because I cared about your life. Squabbling against two potential allies would only paint a bigger target on your back." Grian's voice was higher in disbelief. "Why do you think we gave you those explosives to use, we were trying to buy you time!"
"...I was prepared to give you my time, Jim." Joel added quietly. Jimmy felt his own heart break. "I would have let you kill me, if it meant you were with us for a little longer."
It did not make sense. In his mind, he ran through that list he created, thinking through all the examples he'd thought of. It was true that they liked to tease him as part of their usual dynamic, and they had talked many times before about where the line was and how they would stop if anything ever changed.
…He supposed he never did tell them his true feelings during the games itself.
"I'm sorry boys, I…" He sighed. "I don't know what came over me, it was all just… too much, at some point. I know you guys care really, the games just distort the truth a lot."
They all fell silent, stewing in the open truth. That not all of them were on the same page, that maybe things were not as great as they seemed. Misunderstandings made a fool of them all.
"I'm sorry, Jimmy." Jimmy looked up into Grian's eyes, genuine apology written in them. "We should have noticed sooner."
"No, I never told you guys, you can't have guessed it from nothing. It's my fault too." Jimmy laughed humorously.
Grian's hand reached for his, tracing the back quietly. He felt his wings ruffle in response. "Still. You can talk to us about anything, okay? We're friends."
"Friends, Jimmy. That means we care about you, and that will never change despite your awful survival skills." Joel added, testing the waters.
This time, Jimmy did not feel those words hit his skin. He laughed along with the rest, finding the humour in those words.
"Did you continue watching after your death?" Grian smiled as he shook his head. "We made a grave for you, Jimmy. In your little bunker. And frankly, Joel went mad after you died."
"That's not true, lad." Joel huffed.
"Yes it is, you can watch the recordings. He died not long after you did, and he was panicking a lot." Grian laughed.
"Well, at least I didn't fall to my death by the one spot surrounded by water." Jimmy laughed at Grian's responding squawk, and watched as he launched himself at Joel to pin him to the sofa.
He leaned back into the seat as the play fight broke out, hands much stiller on his lap than before. Really, he'd been worried over nothing, worried that their long-lasting friendship would not survive such a conversation. His overthinking had driven a wedge in their friendship, and Jimmy had definitely missed this.
It felt right, seeing the other two squabble just like in the games, and know this time with certainty that they did not mean to hurt him.
"We're okay, right Tim?" He came out of his stupor to see just Grian in the room, the retreating back of Joel's moving to the bathroom. This time, he didn't need to fake his smile as Grian's hopeful voice.
"We're good."