Chapter Text
It started as a lighthearted joke. Teenagers making TikTok’s, pretending that the Grimace shake had some deep dark secret.
But then one of the videos was real.
And then more…
---
“Dazai!” Kunikida hollered, “We have a problem!”
The brunette gasped, feigning surprise, “What? Your hair?” he retorted.
“There’s been-“ Kunikida paused to glare at Dazai, “There’s been a string of murders in Yokohama, and its rapidly spreading worldwide.”
Dazai’s interest had finally been piqued, “hm?” He settled into the couch, letting the other agency members gather around him, “Do tell.”
“Ability users are being killed off. The first victim was in Yokohama, a teenage girl. The only thing connecting all these murders, besides the fact that they’re all ability users. Is the Grimace shake.”
“Grimace shake?” Atsushi repeated.
“Yes,” Kunikida continued, “The Grimace shake is a special milkshake made by Mcdonald's to celebrate their mascot, Grimace’s birthday.”
“We know what the Grimace shake is, Kunikida,” Atsushi sighed, “But what does that have to do with the case?”
“Oh... right. Well. All of the victims were found dead right after drinking the Grimace shake. All of them covered in the shake itself. All of them found in increasingly insane and morbid positions.”
After this brief explanation of events, Ranpo finally chimed in, “So the Grimace shake contains some ingredient that targets and kills only ability users, right?” After a nod from Kunikida, he continued, “Okay, so you guys start with our enemy organizations, it’s probably one of those.” With that, Ranpo propped his hat over his eyes and leaned back to rest.
“It can’t be the Port Mafia, they have no reason to do this, especially if it’s worldwide at this point” Yosano offered.
“The Guild?” Kenji suggested quickly.
Dazai hummed, “No, I don’t think so. They were only ever really after Atsushi.” He pauses for a moment. And to Kunikida’s dismay, leans in for dramatic effect, “It’s Fyodor.”
“You’re sure about this?” The blonde questioned.
“Positive”
Atsushi stumbled before anxiously reentering the conversation, “Uh- I mean, if you think about it, Fyodor is the obvious answer. He’s always wanted to get rid of ability users. And um, we don’t really know how his ability works, so maybe he can do something to the milkshakes? You know?”
Dazai smiled slightly, seemingly proud of Atsushi’s detective work, “Spot on, Atsushi!” He sighed before sitting up on the couch, propping his arms to stand, “Welp, c’mon Kunikida.”
Yosano reached out for Dazai’s shoulder, “Um, go where?”
“To see Fyodor of course!” Dazai turned around, expecting Kunikida to follow, “Atsushi, do you want to come too?”
Atsushi quickly followed behind Kunikida and Dazai, “So where are we looking for Fyodor?”
“Oh, that’s easy, we go to the same coffee place!” He waved his hand, beckoning the two, “Faster, if we get there in ten minutes he should still be there.”
---
“See I told you he’d be here.” Dazai smiled smugly, “You two make yourselves scarce, I’ll talk to Fyodor.”
The two watched in stunned silence as Dazai walked confidently up behind the Demon Dostoyevsky. Kunikida focused everything on eavesdropping on their conversation, stopping only to shush Atsushi as he rustled in the bushes. By what few words he could decipher, the two men were having a conversation only the two of them would be able to understand. Kunikida watched in a mix of wonder and disgust, Dazai has all that intelligence, yet he can’t use even a little bit of it for his damn paperwork.
Kunikida found himself sneering before watching Fyodor stand from his seat, and calmly gesture for Dazai to come with him.
Atsushi was on his feet quickly, before Kunikida. They both watched from a distance as Fyodor and Dazai sat in the back of a car, a white-haired driver steering them away. Kunikida, in turn, quickly hopped in his own car, letting Atsushi climb in the passenger’s seat before peeling out.
“Is Dazai gonna be okay?” Atsushi worried.
Kunikida rolled his eyes, “That damn idiot couldn’t die even if he wanted to.”
---
They drove for another forty-five minutes, keeping a safe distance between the cars. They pulled up on an unassuming house, a nice, expensive, but inconspicuous place. Kunikida would’ve driven right by it any other day. The two detectives allowed Dazai and Fyodor to make their way fully inside the house before silently trailing behind them.
Sweat dripped down Kunikida’s forehead, quickly trailing down to his nose and making his glasses slide ever so slightly.
Coming into the house was like coming into a hospital, it was cold and uninviting. Everything felt louder, so the soft footsteps that the detectives took sounded like hammers. Kunikida, so focused on not getting caught, barely noticed Atsushi’s assailant.
A quick yelp from Atsushi caused him to turn quickly, seeing the boy in a fight with the man who had been driving the car. The man, a clown? Laughed as the two sparred.
“Keep going!” Atsushi demanded, just as Kunikida was about to pull out his notebook.
“But-“
“Go find Dazai!” He yelled before blocking a swing from the clown. With a hesitant double-take, Kunikida ran towards the only other door in this barren house. To the basement.
Every bone in his body wanted him to turn away and run. Basements, likely no escape other than the way you came in. He was walking right into a death trap, and he was doing it all because Dazai had decided to chat up Fyodor in a café.
As he stepped down the stairs, he heard a tapping from underneath. Peering to the side he saw Dazai, and on Dazai’s other shoulder, Fyodor. Kunikida froze for a moment, like a deer caught in headlights, before Dazai tilted his head to the side. Summoning him. So, he listened, begrudgingly he listened. Kunikida walked right down those stairs only to be greeted with two smug smiles.
“I’m glad you could make it, so sorry I had to distract the tiger.” Fyodor said politely, but Kunikida knew all too well the sinister man behind that façade. He didn’t respond.
Dazai piped in, “So while me and Fyodor were talking, we figured a little something out.”
“Since you already figured my plan out, pretty quickly might I add, we decided it would be fun to give you the chance to stop me.” Fyodor continued.
Dazai picked up the monologue once again, “And since the ability-killing substance is already in a considerable amount of the Grimace shake, it’s a pretty fair deal.”
A fair deal? They think this is a game? Kunikida’s eyebrows furrowed in anger, these demons had turned the lives of thousands into a game of chess.
Picking up on Kunikida’s unwillingness to contribute, Dazai continued, “Unfortunately according to the deal, I can’t help you.” He turned to Fyodor, making direct eye contact, “I’m a man of my word, so I’ll leave the rest to you.”
Dazai started up the stairs, and Kunikida fought with a flurry of emotions. Accepting his death, wanting to kill Dazai, wanting to kill Fyodor, just generally wanting to punch something. Fyodor followed right behind Dazai, leaving Kunikida confused. What was he leaving up to him? He looked up only to stare in the face of Fyodor as he slammed the door shut, presumably locking it as well.
After a few moments, Kunikida began to wonder if they had just left him here and there was nothing for him to stop. That was until he saw something emerging from the shadows, something he had not noticed before, having been preoccupied.
“Who are you?” Kunikida demanded, holding his notebook and pen close to him.
A deep voice boomed as the dark figure stepped into the light, “I think you know.”
Kunikida’s heart skipped a beat, his eyes widened. This couldn’t be possible, could it? A million questions raced in his head, but he couldn’t hear them over the sound of his loud thumping heart. Sweat beaded down his forehead and neck tenfold. His breath hitched to the point he may have lost consciousness. Mustering all his strength, he sputtered out a single word, “Gr- Grimace?”
The purple creature continued towards Kunikida, slowly. “Correct, Kunikida.”
Kunikida stepped back, his hands shaking, “How did… you know my name?” He had to make a conscious effort now to not drop his precious notebook, the pure fear was paralyzing him.
“I know all ability users; it is my purpose.” Grimace stopped, mere inches from Kunikida. “Now that I’m in the Decay of Angels, I’ve reached my full potential. We’re going to kill all of you.”
“What the hell?” Kunikida muttered, his fear slowly turning to adrenaline.
“You see, Kunikida, I’ve always had – let’s say – a thirst for violence,” the creature said, almost cheerily, so with Dostoevsky I will maximize bloodshed.”
Kunikida stopped for a moment, something seemed off. “The Grimace shake,” he started, “there is no secret ingredient, is there?”
Grimace began to laugh uproariously, “Yes! The Grimace shake is my ability!”
The blond gripped his notebook, prying it open slowly, “An ability user wants to eradicate ability users? That’s rich.”
Grimace suddenly became serious, “The seed of my original sin shall annihilate all sinners en masse. I bear the cursed purple blood of my ability so that I may fulfill my greater purpose.” Grimace paused, “Now, I’ve enjoyed our chat, but I can’t allow you to live for much longer”
The purple monster began to cry, it cried tears of purple. It cried its wretched Grimace shake. Kunikida watched in fear as the holy grail of death stood before him, sobbing its poison. He dodged quickly as the tears flew towards him, the toxin would kill him instantly, if he was lucky. Kunikida did all he could do avoid a quick descent into insanity, pulling out a gun from his notebook. Between sobs Grimace seemed to laugh once more, “That measly gun won’t do anything, but you already know that don’t you?”
Kunikida’s eyes widened, desperately dodging bursts of his purple venom, he realized that Grimace was merely teasing him. The creature had barely used any of his power, yet he was already overpowering Kunikida. The blonde was grasping at straws while Grimace was just taunting him, waiting to kill him. What can beat Grimace? Think, Kunikida. Between racing ideas and avoiding a painful death, Kunikida cursed Dazai for about the millionth time today.
Finally, Kunikida had an idea. It was desperate, but it could very well work. He sprawled on the floor, dodging yet another poisonous missile from Grimace, and scribbled viciously in his notebook.
A quick flash of light and it appeared, in his hand he held a red clown nose. He inhaled deeply, praying his plan would work, and exhaled as he squeezed the red orb.
Honk, honk.
The sound echoed throughout the basement, causing Grimace to stop dead in his tracks. A quick moment of silence passed, and Kunikida feared it wouldn’t work. Suddenly a second flash of light appeared, and he dropped the nose.
The light grew to the point that it was blinding, both Kunikida and the purple menace took cover from the heavenly glow.
“Hey there fellas!” A friendly voice bellowed. Kunikida slowly removed his hands from his face, and there he stood. Ronald McDonald.
Grimace stopped his sobs of destruction, mouth gaping at his mortal enemy suddenly appearing. Kunikida hastily thanked whatever god was up there for this savior’s arrival. Ronald McDonald held his hand out to Kunikida, which he graciously accepted.
“Take a break fella, let me handle this.” Ronald reassured Kunikida, approaching Grimace.
Kunikida fell to the sidelines, watching in horror as Grimace began to release his full power. The basement began to fill with his purple shake monstrosity, causing Kunikida to dash to the stairs. But it did not affect Ronald at all.
“I’m sorry, old friend,” McDonald said sorrowfully, pulling out a McDonald’s to-go bag, “To honor the good old times we had, I won’t kill you,” he chuckled lightly, “I’m not even sure if beings like us can die. Goodbye… you were like a brother to me.”
Grimace screamed, it was horrible, it was a sound Kunikida would hear in his nightmares for years to come. The scream was abruptly cut off by an eerie silence.
“Here,” Ronald held the bag out to Kunikida, “Careful, Grimace is in there. He can’t get out unless you open it.”
Kunikida gingerly grabbed the bag, giving a silent thank you to his knight in shining armor. Ronald McDonald gave Kunikida a warm, comforting smile, before fading away to God knows where. The man stood stunned for a few moments before slamming his fists on the door, demanding to be released.
Instantaneously, a smiling Dazai appeared, “See? I knew you could do it!”
Kunikida did the thing he had been wanting to do all day, he punched Dazai in the stomach, causing him to double over. “I didn’t do it by myself, suicidal moron.”
“Awe, was it the power of our friendship that helped you through it?”
“No, it was Ronald McDonald.”
Dazai smiled to himself, “I see…”
The brunette did not elaborate, leaving Kunikida slightly apprehensive. They were messing with external forces, possibly divine entities. What did Dazai know that he didn’t?
The two walked back to find Atsushi, Fyodor and his clown accomplice having quickly fled the scene, and drove back to the agency.
It was another victory for the Armed Detective Agency. But this success leaves questions, was Fyodor really so naïve as to lead us right to Grimace? Or was this a distraction to keep us from his grand scheme?