Chapter Text
"Okay, first of all, we need to do something about your face," Waver said.
Lancer watched quietly as Waver hefted a large book and dropped it loudly onto the table.
"So, the thing to do about a curse is try to negate it somehow. You were born with it, so no barriers or mana cancellations will work. And it's not as if we can cover it with a bandaid or tape. We'll have to overlay another curse on top of it, something strong enough to negate its effects," Waver said.
"I see," Lancer said. Waver frowned, flipping hastily through the pages.
"That's it!" Waver said. He tapped his finger on the page. "I'm going to give you the Curse of Repulsiveness."
"...I beg your pardon?"
"I'm going to curse you so that anyone who'd normally be attracted to you will be physically repulsed," Waver said. "This will work. If I lay it on top of your love spot, it should negate any charm magic that's coming off of it. So your curse should be gone."
"I see!" Lancer said. He smiled, broadly. "My lord, I look forward to this! Please show me how this magic is done!"
"No problem," Waver said, and he rolled up his sleeves.
*****
Unfortunately, Waver made the curse a little too strong.
"Um, so..." the female cashier shifted, uncomfortably. "What...uh, happened to your friend?"
"Huh?" Waver said. Behind him, Lancer was perusing a shelf, picking up a few take-out rice balls. The cashier winced and shuddered.
"Nothing happened," Waver said. "Why do you ask?"
"Oh," the cashier said. "So he was born...looking like that?"
Waver looked back at Lancer again. If anything, Lancer looked pretty good-looking, tall and lean, the fabric of his shirt stretched tightly over broad shoulders and the muscles of his arms and torso. I should get him a bigger shirt, Waver thought, frowning. Lancer caught his eye and waved merrily.
"What do you see?" Waver asked, carefully. The look of sheer horror certainly didn't match the cheerful man who was delightedly picking through bento boxes and setting them in his basket.
"Why, his face!" the cashier said. She shuddered again. "He's so disfigured! It looks like he was doused with acid."
"Uh..."
"And that smell," she said. "It smells like filth and rotting sewage."
"Um..."
Servants certainly didn't smell like anything, not that Waver was up to sniffing Lancer's armpits or anything stupid like that. And if anything, he knew Lancer was playing around with Mackenzie's cologne earlier, even though Waver told the idiot not to splash the whole bottle on himself, except that Lancer had never seen cologne, since apparently that stuff was reserved for kings or high nobility and Lancer was just a wandering knight.
The problem here, obviously, was that Waver Velvet was Too Good at magic. Ordinarily he would be flushed with pride that he had overcome a centuries-old curse with a few simple incantations, but this was proving to be a bit too much. He sighed and wished he had taken things down a notch.
"My lord! They have these fruit-flavored beverages I thought we could try." Lancer came up behind him, waving around a bottle of grape calpico and stuffing it in his basket. "Furthermore, these rice balls look delicious. Did you know they have bits of crab meat stuffed in them? I look forward to trying them! Er..." Lancer blinked. That curly lock of hair bounced cutely over his forehead.
"Oh," Lancer said, looking the woman. "I beg your pardon."
And he smiled brightly at the woman, who proceeded to duck and hide behind the register.
*****
"Well that was certainly different," Lancer said, smiling. He was carrying a bag of groceries in each hand, smiling broadly.
"You're not mad?" Waver said.
"Mad?" Lancer said. "Why should I be angry when my lord has blessed me with such a glorious gift?"
"Huh," Waver said, as a mother grabbed her daughter and covered the girl's eyes. "So...this is good for you, seriously?"
"The curse I was born with unduly burdened me with the attentions of the opposite sex." A woman shrieked and dove into an alley. Lancer smiled. "It is quite refreshing to have the opposite effect."
"I see," Waver said, doubtfully.
"Excuse me, but there are children, here," a woman said, testily, while behind her a line of schoolchildren cowered behind her back.
Waver facepalmed.
******
Saber blinked, then frowned. Then blinked and shook her head.
"Revulsion magecraft," Saber said. She squinted. "And...charm magic?"
Waver had never seen someone look so thoroughly confused.
"My apologies," Lancer said. He was clearly enjoying his effect on Saber a little too much. "I was born with this curse, which my lord has augmented. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about it. You can blame my birth or the fact that you were born a woman."
Saber grimaced and shook her head; behind her, Irisviel retched politely behind her hand.