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They say that you don’t know what you’ve lost until you’ve lost it. That maybe just maybe you might have taken that person for granted. Truer words could never be said or felt in the eyes of Haruka Nanase as he stands over the grave of his best friend. It’s been 12 hours, 48 minutes, and 6 seconds since he last heard of the news of his drowning.
Makoto Tachibana
That was the name etched on the tombstone before his sullen blue eyes.
Loving son, brother and friend.
May you remain in our hearts forever.
What happens when all you’ve ever known is lost to time? When that sun you thought would always be there is now shrouded behind the moon for an eternity? When that warmth that was always by your side disappears and all you can feel now is the coldness and bitterness that life has to offer. Tears streak down his face as he remembers him.
“Ma-Makoto.” he stutters struggling to get the name to come out.
“I’m sorry.”
With every word that he does manage to get out with his trembling lips, his heart seeps open a little more.
“I never got to tell you...”
Without finishing the last of his words he places the bouquet of sunflowers he had brought onto the grave. Sunflowers, oh how they reminded him of him. They were always vibrant glowing even; always happy looking encompassed by such a golden yellow dye, and always full of life like a ray of sunshine emanating from the sun itself.
Although frankly all he can see and feel now is the inevitable future in which these beautiful concoction of nature begin to wilt away.
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Haruka’s pale slender body sat still in his bathtub, filled and brimmed with lukewarm water. Fully clothed he drenched himself hoping to feel something, anything. Why couldn’t he feel the water rippling on his skin anymore? He was accompanied by a small dolphin toy bouncing up and down back and forth in the stillness of the water.
Oh this miniature contraption; he always held it dear to his heart although he couldn’t fathom the reason why. He doesn’t know why, it’s not like it was anything special. It’s not like he knew the reason why Makoto opted to choose the clownfish instead. Self-less Makoto was always being self-less Makoto even at such a young age. Always putting others first, always worrying about others over himself. Jumping into the waves he feared so much in that terrible storm just to save a drowning cat. Stupid self-less Makoto. Stupid Makoto. Stupid.
He didn’t know whether the water adorning his body and skin was from the water he had filled the tub with earlier or from the river of tears his solemn blue eyes had so effortlessly managed to ring out of him. But he didn’t care. He didn’t care about the fact that he had been soaking in the tub for over 2 hours. His skin must have felt old and wrinkly by now but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about that incessant knock on his front door from worrying friends and neighbors. He couldn’t manage the strength, not even an ounce, to care.
Reaching out his hand from the tub he half expected something or rather someone else to be there. Where was the large and warm hand that always greeted his? Where was the bumbling more than life and out of this world smile that always greeted him? His hand stood still in the air for minutes as he languished over the fact that he would no longer be graced by this presence.
Tearing off his wet clothes and throwing them nonchalantly and carelessly on the bathroom floor he made his way towards his room with nothing but his swim trunks on. He wanted to wash away this pain burning in his chest; the loss of his best friend, his life, and his reason for existing.
The reason he joined the swim club in elementary school.
The reason he joined the swim club in middle school.
The reason he joined the swim club in high school.
Was it really for himself or was it because subconsciously and deep down inside he had another reason.
“It’s pointless without you.” a familiar voice echoes inside of him.
Was his love for water and the feeling of being able to swim free his sole and only purpose and reason? It couldn’t have been because he always there right? Would he have joined and put up with all of the tiring rules, regulations and restrictions if Makoto hadn’t been there?
He has never said it out loud to anyone or to himself for that matter, but deep down inside, hidden the depths of his heart, buried in a place barred from entry.
Without Makoto it would’ve been pointless.
He plops himself down on the cold hard mattress bed. His arms and legs stretched across the blue colored sheets. His face is about to be buried in the sheets until he spots something familiar on the ground near his dresser; an oversized t-shirt dyed in orange and beige. He remembers Makoto letting him borrow this shirt. He remembers sleeping over at the Tachibana residence, playing video games with Makoto and his siblings. He remembers not remembering to return this shirt. He hastily reaches for it and tugs it towards him hugging it tightly as if it were Makoto.
“It still smells like you.”
He found it hard to describe the smell but if he could manage to in one word: sunshine.
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If only he had expressed his thoughts and feelings sooner to Makoto. If only he could see him again, he would like to thank Makoto for everything. Without him he would have been lost and without a purpose. Although his heart was now missing a very important piece, Haruka was glad that it had been full when he was still alive.
“I miss you, Makoto.” he murmurs under the t-shirt buried on his face muffling his words.
“I want to hear your voice one more time.”
“I want to hear you say my name.”
“Just one more time.”
He remembers the calm and gentle way Makoto would always call his name. Although Haruka never expressed so, it always felt comforting to him. It was filled with so much care and sincerity that every time he heard it, it made his heart warm. All those times he incessantly ordered Makoto to drop the ‘-chan’ was just his way of teasing Makoto back for daring to tease him in the first place.
“I’ll even let you call me Haru-chan.”
“So please.”
“Come back.”
“Don’t leave me.”
The words he tried so hard to get out earlier today. The words buried so deep in his chest he didn’t know if he could ever dig it out. The words he was scared to say out loud, because if he did the realization that he was gone, that Makoto was no longer on this planet, earth and land with him would become reality. The fact that Makoto would no longer be there in his presence to hear the words coming out and directly from his mouth made his heart ache so much. He wanted to desperately join Makoto in the heavens where he was sure he was sent to. But he knew that that would not have been what Makoto wanted.
He would have wanted him to enjoy and live the rest of his life to fullest. For him to find and accomplish a dream he can call his own. That even though he, Makoto Tachibana, would no longer be apart his life that he, Haruka Nanase, would find his own happiness and cherish the life that he was given.
Lowering the drenched t-shirt towards his chest, away from his face, his eyes shut and cheeks still wet Haruka silently whispers to empty space around him. Even though it came too late, even though he was no longer here to hear it, he wanted to tell it to him anyways. Although he knew it was impossible Haruka hoped that somewhere out there, Makoto would hear him. That Makoto would hear the words that were meant for him and only him.
“I love you.”
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“Haru-chan.”
“Thank you.”
“I’ll never forget you.”
“I love you too.”