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Steve’s hand shook, fingers twitching around the arc reactor in his hand. Tony was still yelling at him, spitting angry insults. None of it reached Steve’s ears. This wasn’t what he imagined the times he allowed himself to consider returning to his Alpha. All of his instincts were screaming at him, telling him he was doing it all wrong. He needed to fix this and make things right again. He needed it to go back to the way it was before all the fighting, the mess, the damn Accords. Uncaring of their friends -- their family -- around them, Steve made eye contact with Tony and slid down to his knees, palms up and open, resting on his thighs. He just let his instincts take over; let them tell him how to fix it. He tipped his head down, tilting it slightly to the right. Baring an Omega’s scent glands was one of the ultimate signs of submission, and he prayed it would work now.
The whole room fell silent, all eyes on Steve. He opened his mouth, speaking before his tongue became too heavy with nerves. “Tony, I’m sorry. I know I made mistakes. But please… please, let’s just talk about this.” He swallowed hard, “Wait until you’re rested, we can… we can fix this.”
Even breathing felt too loud as the silence persisted. Steve didn’t look up at Tony, staying submissive for his bonded Alpha. He could see Tony’s feet moving closer, until they were less than a foot from Steve’s knees. Their bond shook in Steve’s chest with an emotion Steve couldn’t identify, and then the back of Tony’s hand made contact with Steve’s face. He hadn’t seen the slap coming, and he fell back onto his elbows in surprise. The reactor flew out of his hand.
“How dare you!” Tony screamed, suddenly held back by Rhodes. “After everything you did! Now you roll over? Submit? You have the gall to show your belly and ask fucking forgiveness?” Steve couldn’t take his eyes off Tony’s face. His chest quaked and constricted as Tony spit out one last, vengeful, “Fuck you!”
Tears spilled down Steve’s cheeks, and he didn’t resist as gentle hands turned his face away, arms holding him close. The scent was familiar enough for him to stay. He could see Tony collapse from the corner of his eye, but it didn’t register. The tears wouldn’t stop, and the side of his face still stung. The hand that had been on his cheek slid up into his hair, gently petting him as the person holding him started to shush him gently. He allowed himself to be held for several minutes, his tears eventually slowing and reducing him to shivers. The hand slipped from his hair and gently cupped his cheek, which no longer stung, tipping his head up just a little.
Natasha’s face greeted him, her thumb gently wiping at the tear tracks on his cheek. A whine ripped from Steve’s chest, tears filling his eyes again. Tony had pushed him away, left him to the care of another Alpha. Humiliation burned in his cheeks and twisted his stomach in knots. Natasha cooed softly, a maternal sound that washed over him as she pulled him closer, pressing a kiss to his forehead. He whimpered and turned his head, hiding his face against her throat. Even though she wasn’t his bonded Alpha, the underlying musk in her scent helped calm him.
When he finally felt like his eyes were dry enough, he turned his head to look back out at the room. They were the only ones left in the living room, but someone had wrapped them in a couple blankets at some point. He didn’t remember who or when. Steve sniffled softly and ducked his head, ears burning. Natasha just continued to pet his hair. Across the living area and down a short hallway were the emergency medical rooms, installed on the common level so that anyone who was put in medical care in the compound wouldn’t feel alone or abandoned. If Steve looked up now, he would see Tony in one of the rooms, lying on the bed with Rhodes and Pepper at his sides. But as soon as he lifted his eyes in that direction, as he caught a glimpse, Natasha guided his face to turn back towards hers. She gave him a small, sad smile.
“Worry about you, right now,” she murmured. She pressed a kiss to his temple, “Come on, I think you ought to lay down. It’s late, anyways.”
It took a few tries to get him up off the floor, his legs still shaky. Natasha supported Steve as best she could to the elevator. She told him, softly, what they were going to do. They were going to go up to the next floor, and walk Steve to his bedroom. They were going to get his shoes, slacks, and button-down off. They were going to lay Steve down in his bed, and then Natasha would shut off the lights and leave him to rest.
Of course, as they passed the den on their way to the elevator, Steve could hear the others talking with Carol.
“You can’t just leave-” Rhodes protested.
Carol cut him off, “I’m going to kill Thanos.”
Steve stopped in the hallway as he heard all the air sucked out of the den. They had tried that. Goddammit, they had tried that. He could feel Natasha trying to urge him further, but he was drawn to the conviction in Carol’s tone. Steve swallowed hard and took a deep breath, drawing himself up. They had failed to take him down the first time, maybe they could do it right this time. Maybe… Maybe Tony would want him again if he could fix this; if he could get the kid back. If it could get him Bucky and Sam back too, well, that was all the more reason to try.
Natasha’s hand tightened on his shoulder, “Steve-”
Steve pulled away and walked into the den, holding himself tall despite the exhaustion in his bones and the black hole in his chest. His teammates, the raccoon, and Carol turned to look at him, all surprised. It was hard not to shrink back from all of their stares, but most of their scents were familiar, even if the room was heavy with tension, and Steve let that calm him.
“I want to go with you,” Steve said, looking directly at Carol. “This is our fight, too.”
Everyone was staring at him still, eyes a little wider.
“Steve,” Bruce said, carefully. “I don’t know if that’s the best thing for you right now.”
“I’m not just going to stay behind,” Steve insisted, turning towards Bruce. “I’m… I can help.”
“Steve-”
“You’re gonna need all the people you can get,” the raccoon interrupted, making eye contact with Carol. He nodded to a projection in the middle of the room that Steve had just only just noticed. “He used the stones again. In deep space. Y’ain’t gonna have much backup unless you take everyone you can.”
Natasha gripped Steve’s arm, making him jump a little. He hadn’t noticed her follow him inside the room. The tightness communicated her disapproval, and shame seized Steve’s chest again, his head bowing.
“Rocket’s right,” Carol said, making Steve’s head snap right back up and Natasha’s grip tighten. Carol was looking right at him. “We need all hands on deck.” Her gaze slipped to Natasha, “You, too.”
Briefly, Steve wondered if there would be a bruise on his arm in the shape of Natasha’s hand, and then he banished the thought. Mostly, he didn’t care. He probably deserved it. But as quickly as her hand had tightened, she let go of him, her arms crossing.
“Fine. But we’ll leave tomorrow .” No one in the room dared to argue with her. She looked over the room, trying to keep her gaze stern, but Steve could see the worry hidden in her eyes. “Until then, all of you should rest.” Her expression sharpened as she glared up at Steve, “You, especially. Let’s go.”
Steve didn’t have the energy to resist again as she pushed him back out of the room. There were a few chuckles that he could hear coming from the den. He supposed he might laugh, too, if he saw himself getting pushed around by a smaller Alpha. Natasha huffed behind him, probably at the laughing, but didn’t comment on it. She pushed him into the elevator, and then all the way down the hall to his room, making sure he didn’t stop for anything. Once inside the room, she kicked the door shut behind them and held onto his arm to lead him to his bed.
“Lay down. Sleep. If I see you before breakfast tomorrow, I’m going to handcuff you to the bed.”
A smile flickered on Steve’s lips. He wanted to laugh, just a little, but it wouldn’t come. He toed off his shoes and let her help him undress, the way she said she would. He sat on the edge of the bed when they were done, looking up at her. “Thank you, Natasha.”
Slowly, her expression softened, and she stepped close, sighing. She rumbled low in her chest, a comforting Alpha sound, and started to pet Steve’s hair. His eyes fluttered closed, and he leaned forward into her touch. She let him rest his head against her belly, listening to her rumbling and relaxing at her touch. Even though the knots in his stomach didn’t loosen and the hurt squeezing his heart didn’t fade, a calm washed over his mind, and he slowly started to drift asleep, eyes closing.
Natasha’s hands gently guided him to lay down, pulling the blankets up over him. She pressed a kiss to his forehead, “Sleep, Steve. Rest.”
He hummed in acknowledgement, suddenly feeling very exhausted and very unable to do much more than lie there. Steve heard Natasha huff in a small laugh, and she passed her hand through his hair one more time before she left the room. The lights turned off behind his eyelids, and it was easy for him to drift off after that.
Steve woke up in the middle of the night, coughing, phantom dust clogging his airways; hands thrown forward to grasp at those who were no longer reachable. He lunged forward, a sob leaving him, and he tipped over the side of the bed. He gasped and then groaned as he hit the floor, landing on his shoulder. Air passed through his fingers as he whimpered and reached. There was nothing, nothing, nothing . The lights adjusted, turning on to one of the dimmer settings. It was just enough to jar Steve further into wakefulness. He sucked in gulps of air and frantically looked around.
The room was empty, he was alone. Steve started to shiver, pressing his back against the bed and drawing his knees up to his chest.
“Captain Rogers, do I need to call for assistance?” FRIDAY asked, volume lowered.
The sudden sound still made him jump, but Steve swallowed hard and forced himself to answer, “N-No, FRIDAY. Thank you.”
There was no response, there was no need for one. Steve clenched his jaw to keep his teeth from chattering and closed his eyes, curling in on himself to sleep.
---
Steve stumbled off the spacecraft as soon as they landed, home from The Garden. Pepper was waiting for them, standing alone on the landing deck. Worry lined her face, and Steve had to look away. Small hands grasped his arm, and Natasha started to lead him forward. He let her. He had no energy to resist.
Pepper hurried to meet Rhodes, “There’s nothing on the news. What happened?”
Rhodes was silent for several moments. Natasha didn’t stop moving Steve forward, but he could hear it anyway when Rhodes finally admitted, “We couldn’t do it.”
Steve’s chest seized and a sob forced its way out of his throat. He stumbled and dropped to his knees. He couldn’t fight it as tears streamed down his cheeks and sobs continued to choke him. Distantly, he felt Natasha’s hands on his cheeks, trying to soothe him. It didn’t matter. He closed his eyes and folded over on himself, pressing his forehead against the concrete as wave after wave of anguish gripped him. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He could barely feel anything except grief. His throat burned from his crying, and he could feel his vocal chords strain as he whined, long and pitiful.
Steve wanted his Alpha.
Tony should be here comforting him, not Natasha. Tony should be the one wrapping his arms around Steve to carry him to bed where he could rest, not Thor. Tony should be the weight against his back, not the pile of pillows Natasha stacked in vain hope that it could mimic the feeling of Steve’s Alpha. Scents that weren’t Tony’s swirled around him, and he couldn’t place them all.
The door closed and he was left alone again.
Steve opened his eyes and was a little surprised to find a shirt left folded on his pillow. He snuffled a few times to try and clear his sinuses, and then took a deep breath. He gasped and immediately pulled the shirt close, keening. Musk and citrus filled his senses and he whimpered, burying his face in the fabric. Pepper had brought it, he could smell her, too. But the shirt was Tony’s . It belonged to Steve’s Alpha, even though he couldn’t hold his bond mate, he had this shirt, his scent. If he closed his eyes and imagined hard enough, he could imagine that it was Tony against his back instead of pillows.
It felt like hours that he laid there, whining pathetically as he worked through the last of his tears. By the time he was finally starting to feel more balanced, the shirt was no longer enough. He tried laying it over the pillows and hugging them close, but that wasn’t good for long either. For several minutes, Steve just tried to work up his courage. Eventually, he slipped out of bed and snuck out of his room.
Stealth was not on the table for him at the moment, no matter how quiet he tried to be. He was trembling, his desperation making it difficult to do much more than breathe and stumble forward. Steve couldn’t take it anymore; couldn’t be alone. He needed his Alpha.
Miraculously, Steve made it to Tony’s room without any interruptions. There didn’t appear to be anyone but Tony inside, and that made it simultaneously easier and so much harder to enter. He slowly approached the door, shaking harder now that he was right there. Tony didn’t look up as Steve opened the door. Steve wondered if maybe his Alpha was asleep, but as he stepped into the room, Tony’s eyes flicked up sharply, meeting Steve’s.
All of Steve’s breath left him, and he froze, just inside the door, pinned. Tony’s eyes stayed on Steve, meeting his gaze like a challenge, and then slowly moved over the rest of him, calculating. He met Steve’s eyes again.
“Couldn’t find the time to change, huh?” Tony said, the words sharp and almost accusatory.
Steve looked down at himself, realizing all at once that he was still in his compression shirt and uniform pants. Someone must’ve taken his tac jacket while he was freaking out. He looked back up at Tony, at the anger still behind his eyes, and decided it didn’t matter what he was wearing. This couldn’t wait.
Each step felt like walking through sludge, but Steve forced himself to approach the side of Tony’s bed. His hands clasped in front of him, trying to keep them from shaking too much as he knelt down on the floor.
“Don’t,” Tony rasped, but Steve was determined.
This had failed yesterday in front of everyone else. But maybe here in private, Steve would be able to draw out the parts of his Alpha that Tony was doing such a good job of suppressing. He kept his hands folded, so they wouldn’t shake, but otherwise took up the same positions as he had the day before, head bowed and neck exposed. It showed off the mark Tony’s teeth had left when they bonded, the only scar on Steve’s body.
“I’m sorry,” Steve managed to choke out, his throat and chest tight. He took a deep breath, and it was a little easier to continue. “I know… I know I failed,” he admitted. Saying it aloud felt freeing, and terrifying. “I let us fall apart, and I… I couldn’t save everyone. I couldn’t get them back.” That made his eyes sting and his throat close again. He swallowed hard and tried to muscle through it. “We couldn’t get everyone back, I couldn’t get him back for you, I’m sorry.”
Steve fell into silence, croaking out the last few words as his throat closed and his eyes burned. The silence persisted. Minutes ticked by, and Steve just held his position. Tension crept through his body, seizing his muscles and making it hard to breathe. He was anticipating something, he recognized, though he couldn’t think of what.
Above him, Tony shifted, and the tension in his body intensified, almost painful as his toes curled and he squeezed his eyes shut. Fingers, Tony’s fingers, brushed Steve’s cheek, and he flinched back. His whole body threw itself back, and he had to catch himself as he fell sideways. He heard Tony curse, but it was quiet behind the rushing in Steve’s ears. Of course, damn it all; he’d been waiting for Tony to hit him again. It wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it. It still scared him. Steve was panting, hard, trembling and trying to catch his breath and not panic.
Tony should’ve been in bed, but when Steve finally managed to open his eyes, Tony was on the floor, kneeling in front of Steve, his hands resting open, palms up, on his thighs. Non-threatening, Steve’s brain supplied. It took all his willpower to lift his eyes from Tony’s hands, up to his face. Tony looked pained, but no longer hostile. His hands raised, and Steve flinched again, just a little. Tony was moving slowly, he wasn’t going to hit him. Both of his hands cupped Steve’s face, and his trembling just increased, his eyes closing against tears.
“I’m sorry,” Tony whispered, so soft that Steve almost missed it. “I’m not gonna hurt you, Steve, I’m so sorry.”
The tears slipped out anyways, mortifyingly. But Tony just wiped them away with his thumbs.
“Alpha,” Steve whimpered, unable to hold it back. Tony’s touch was gentle, and Steve loved it, but he wanted more. He wanted his Alpha to hold him, remind Steve that he was loved.
He didn’t have to say anything more, because Tony’s arms quickly wrapped around him. Tony’s body was still so tired, and the embrace was more like him leaning on Steve, but it didn’t matter. Tony was there, and close and touching Steve and that was all that mattered. Steve hid his face against Tony’s shoulder, sniffling and trying to keep himself together.
“I’m still upset with you,” Tony admitted, after a period of silence. Steve flinched, but Tony’s arms around him tightened. “But I… I still love you, too.” A sob pushed out of Steve’s chest, and one of Tony’s hands started to pet his hair. “That’s why I was so mad,” Tony continued to murmur. “I love you and you had to leave, and I was angry about that. I’m angry that it took the world just about ending for you to come back and want to apologize.” He paused, and Steve felt ashamed. “I’m glad you did it anyway.” Tony pressed a kiss to the side of Steve’s head, making him sob again.
“I’m sorry,” Steve whimpered, balancing himself on one arm to wrap the other around Tony. Another sob choked him, “I’m sorry, Tony.”
Tony gently shushed him, still petting his hair, “I know. I accept your apology.” Tony pressed another kiss, gentle but firm, to Steve’s temple, and murmured, “It’s okay. We’ll get there, my Omega.”
A shudder wracked Steve’s body, and with those words, he felt his world begin to right itself. He started crying in earnest, but it didn’t matter. It would all be okay, because Steve had his Alpha.