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The ‘Breakfast Incident’ as it will eventually be known as happens by accident; or at least Armin thinks it does.
As a rule of thumb Corporal Levi asks that his squad take breakfast together when at all possible so that not only can they get food prepared, eaten, and cleaned up faster, but to foster a closer bond of trust as well. Major Hanji always teases him about his need for a ‘family meal’ but Armin can see the underlying reasoning behind the action. They were a new team, they didn’t know how to work with Levi or Hanji the way that Eren did. The faster they can learn to trust them, the better things would go when it all went to shit.
Armin is under no illusion: them playing house peacefully in the woods will all go to shit sooner or later.
The morning in question is much like any of the other ones that came before; Sasha and Connie had made oatmeal and were now on laundry duty. Mikasa and Historia had cleared the table and were now doing rounds of the perimeters of the cabin. Eren and Jean were tasked with cutting the firewood that would be needed for the day.
Usually Armin would question anyone putting Eren and Jean in a group and then expecting any work to get done over the insults they spent hurling at the other, but with only a few seemingly thoughtless words from Levi the rivalry between the two was put to good use, resulting in a daily competition that got the task done in half the time with nearly twice the output.
Armin himself usually got assigned to one group or another depending on what was needed, but on this day Major Hanji had asked him to stay behind to talk about her newest theory concerning Eren’s cognitive activity during transformation. While he is honored to be thought of as an adequate intellectual springboard by the Major, who was, strange yes, but undeniably brilliant, to be honest he might have just preferred the hard labor. Hanji is easily one of the most eccentric people he’d ever met, which is saying a lot, but what Major Hanji lacked in sanity she made up for in enthusiasm and ranks above him. So here he was, eating the last of his oatmeal and waiting for Hanji to start discussions.
If not for her request this all could have been avoided, Armin is sure of it.
At approximately 8:05am Corporal runs out of patience with the pair of bickering teenage boys and orders them to get the hell out of the dining room. “I’m giving you two minutes to get out of my face before I make you muck the stalls too.” Eren sends Jean a glare, as if he had been blamed for something Jean had done entirely on his own.
“Sorry Corporal, it won’t happen again sir.” Eren murmurs in apology.
Levi rolls his eyes and sips his tea, the tea that he only allows Eren to make him. “You say that every morning and yet you continue to bother me. I don’t think sorry means what you think it means.”
Eren stares back at him, unblinking. “I always mean what I say to you, sir.”
Armin meets Jean’s eyes from across the table and gives him a look of shared commiseration. The taller boy pantomimes vomiting at their, admittedly weird, flirting. The fact that neither Levi or Eren notice is a testament to how caught up in each other they were.
The blond has to agree with Jean on this one, it was all rather saccharine and gross.
It’s not that Armin didn’t like the Corporal, far from it actually: He respects the man greatly and values his dedication to the scouts. While they may not always agree on the best course of action to take where Eren is concerned Armin knows that without Levi’s quick thinking they would have been killed several times over by now.
It’s just that sometimes his many, well, eccentricities let's call them, can be hard to deal with. Especially when those eccentricities seem to do nothing but charm his best friend further.
Armin has known Eren ever since Eren was able to walk and had wandered into his parent’s yard by accident. And in all that time he’d never shown that much interest in anyone romantically, female, male, or otherwise. In fact it had been a running joke all through training that unlike other boys the quickest way to Eren’s heart was through a titan’s stomach. (Admittedly that joke was sort of in bad taste, Ha. Taste. But still accurate in an ironic sort of way.) He just wasn’t all that interested in love or sex or anything else outside of murdering titans and they had always assumed that it was just an Eren thing.
But almost from the moment that the Lance Corporal had 3DMG’d into their lives Armin has watched Eren harbor what had to be the creepiest, but sort of sweet in a morbid kind of way, obsession with the man.
Speaking of which, Eren’s very-subtle-hush-hush crush on Corporal Levi was about as secret as the fact that titans ate humans. The only people who seemed to not know about it were Eren and Mikasa. He was pretty sure on some level Mikasa probably knew what was happening but seemed to have adopted a policy of ‘if I think about it, say it out loud, or see it, then it’s not real .’
Eren, however, really should have figured it out by now. It’s sort of sad that he hasn’t and if he kept dragging his feet like this, Armin was going to lose his bet in the ‘When will they hook-up?’ pool that Ymir had started and Sasha has taken over in her honor.
Personally, Armin doesn’t mind; he thinks that both Eren and Levi deserve some form of happiness in their otherwise bleak lives. But in the same breath he can see immediately that this was going to be a debacle when push came to shove. And push ALWAYS came to shove when the scouting legion was concerned.
Maybe that's the reason why at 8:07am when Jean shrugs on his coat and Hanji begins to prattle on about her new theory on titans; Eren, after of saluting the Corporal goodbye per usual, leans over the chair that Levi is sitting in and kisses their commanding officer. On the mouth. Without an ounce of shame. As if it was a daily occurrence.
The room is silent and Armin stares.
Is this a daily occurrence? Oh sweet Maria, what if this was normal and he was only seeing it now because the Major had asked him to stay behind? Armin had just assumed he’d know if something finally happened between Eren and Levi; he’d gone in on Sasha’s betting pool assuming that he’d be able to read his best friend enough to KNOW if something happened. He’s supposed to be the perceptive one, how on earth could he have missed this?
While Armin is having a panic attack about whether his cleverness was all just a sham or not, he hears Jean suck in a harsh breath the same moment that Hanji drops the spoon she had been gesturing wildly with. It makes a clang that sounds deafening in the suddenly tense room.
Levi’s grey eyes go wide for a fraction of a second before his eyebrows furrow even more, a feat Armin had not thought possible. Eren just finishes his kiss and stands up straight, as if he hadn’t ruined their betting pool and probably sentenced himself to death or at least relentless teasing.
The blond soldier doubts that Eren understands what he’s done at first, not with how casual and natural he was behaving afterwards. Briefly Armin is reminded of simpler times when his father would kiss his mother goodbye each morning before leaving for work. It’s painfully domestic and nothing he had ever expected from Eren because it’s Eren and Eren didn’t just kiss people: he had expressed more interest in killing people than kissing them to be honest.
Armin lets out an internal sigh of relief. Oh good, this wasn’t a daily occurrence, he’s still the perceptive one in the group and his bet in the pool was safe. Eren had seemingly kissed Levi by accident, that surely didn’t count. ’Well, tiny victories.’ he thinks, hoping they can just brush past this little indiscretion.
He really should have known better.
“Eren? Are you feeling okay? That's a strong way to say good morning!” Hanji asks recovering faster than all of them to the surprise of no one. She’s never one to let an opportunity to tease go unheeded. Eren stares at her in confusion and looks to Levi for direction but the short man has settled on crossing his arms and giving him a look that practically screamed: ‘ No, no, go on, try and explain this, dig yourself deeper into the hole, be my guest.’ .
It’s only then that Eren seems to realize what he’s done; connecting his position and the slight sheen on Levi’s lips to be related. His entire body goes ramrod straight, rigid with sudden self awareness of just how big a faux pas he’s made.
Armin fights the urge to smack his head into the table. Maria help them all, his best friend has just had what he assumes is, but who knows at this point, his first kiss and didn’t even notice. This is Armin’s life. Somehow it was easier when it was just surviving titans.
“Well Jaeger?” Levi’s flat tone is almost amused now and Armin wonders just how Eren is going to get himself out of this one, because he can’t help him even if he wanted to. The only thing Eren can do to make this less awkward is to apologize and feign sleep deprovision or exhaustion; and neither of those things are going to make Major Hanji who is grinning from ear to unclean ear let this go gently into that goodnight. Though Armin is willing to bet that the Corporal would buy into his apology and/or excuse if it meant they could get this over and done with faster.
‘Just admit you messed up Eren, save yourself the trouble. Please. PLEASE.’ he thinks desperately but Armin knows Eren and knows that Eren will not take the easy way out. In fact he is pretty sure that Eren has a pathological need to make things more difficult for himself whenever possible.
Now is no exception of course and Armin knows that something ridiculous is about to happen the minute Eren opens his mouth with an indignant yet determined expression on his face. Eren insert-foot-into-mouth Jaeger. “I am fine! I was just saying goodbye to the Corporal!”
Oh Maria, why, why him?
Armin watches in mild horror as his best friend dips down and kisses Levi again, although this time it is much more rushed. The corporal doesn’t seem to mind though and accepts it with his characteristic coolness; he might even lean into it a little bit, nudging his head to the side a bit to make the angle more comfortable.
Huh. It's sort of sweet actually: Entirely inappropriate for an audience to watch, but sweet.
Armin doesn’t understand how Levi is so calm about this; it wasn’t even happening to him and Armin is blushing to the roots of his hair, contemplating actually smashing his head into the table to get over the second hand embarrassment he feels for both of them.
This is embarrassing, no one should have their first kisses be in front of people, or by mistake, or with their commanding officer really, but that ship has clearly sailed. He stares into his bowl of oatmeal and wills it to swallow him whole.
Eren’s face is positively burning when he pulls back and salutes again. “Goodbye sir! We will return shortly!” Levi, apparently completely immune to all forms of shame and embarrassment, has the gall to smirk.
Hanji is cackling, clearly having a good time. “Such a fond goodbye! The rest of us might get jealous right Jean? Armin?”
Armin wants to diiiiiiiiiiiiiiie its so embarrassing, but at least it's over and he can pretend that this never happened; he’ll never have to think about this again, because Maria knows he isn’t going to repeat it to anyone. He just has to ride out the wave of second hand embarrassment and let Eren handle the fallout.
Of course, it can never be that easy.
It is then that Jean decides to join in on the teasing and egg Eren on further. “Pffft, is that what they’re calling goodbye nowadays Jaeger? That's how they say goodbye in Shiganshina?”
‘Aw shit.’ Any hopes Armin had of this incident simply fading away flies out the window because that was as good as a handwritten challenge to Eren; the same Eren who had never met a hill he didn’t want to die on.
Armin gives in and allows his forehead to smack into the table with a thunk. Whatever happened from here was going to be very dumb and probably scar him for life further. He can practically hear the glare in Eren’s voice when he answers “Yeah, it is horseface.” and then there is the distinct sound of heavy steps and a chair being scraped across the floor.
‘What the-’ the blond raises his head in time to see the ass end of Eren saluting Major Hanji before he leans down and kisses her full on the mouth as well.
If the room was tense before, it is unbearable now. ‘This can not be happening.’ Armin thinks numbly. He watches as Hanji makes a bit of a startled sound but is otherwise amused. Why wouldn’t she be, this must all be very funny for her.
“Always pleasure Major Hanji sir!” Eren says much too loud with how quiet the room has suddenly gotten. His cheeks are dark red with determination and embarrassment, but determination is winning out. It always does with Eren.
Hanji laughs and bangs her spoon on the table like a delighted toddler. “Any time Eren! What a thoughtful kid.” She leans across the table to prod Levi’s shoulder with the spoon. Usually he’d threaten to break her fingers for such a thing but today he just sort of sits there and takes it. Which is deeply worrying. “That's what I call a good morning, right Levi?” Jean might actually be vomiting now instead of faking it like before and Levi-
If Levi once thought this whole affair was funny...well, he’s not laughing anymore. In fact the Corporal looks like he can’t decide if he wants to beat the shit out of Hanji or Eren, or even himself for letting it get this far. If Armin was being honest, which he tries to be, he’d say Levi looks like he’s trying very hard not to take a shit. But in his experience most of Levi’s expressions were variations of that, so he’s not sure how much he should rely on it as a litmus test for what he is feeling. Whatever it is, it’s not good.
Armin is so deep into his thoughts about if he’s been around the corporal too long if he’s making poop metaphors that he doesn’t notice Eren has moved to where he is sitting and is now looming over him with that stupid determined look on his face.
“Have a good morning Armin.” Eren says like a man being sent to the gallows.
Armin’s blue eyes widen in panic. Eren can’t possibly be willing to take it this far. “Eren,” He mutters, begging him with his tone to reconsider. “You don’t have to do th-”
He does.
When Armin woke up this morning he did not envision himself getting sloppy third kisses from his best friend but sometimes life just doesn’t go the way you planned.
Objectively it’s not a good or a bad kiss, it's just Eren’s chapped lips pressed against his for a moment, a fraction of a moment really, but it’s weird. It’s really really weird. The blond has just enough time to taste the remains of their oatmeal breakfast on his lips and then it's over.
Armin’s not a kissing connoisseur by any means; sure he’s kissed a couple people before but he wouldn’t say he’s an expert on it. But if he was forced to rate the kiss Eren has foisted unto him, he’d give it about a 3 out of 10; a 4 if he’s being generous and a 2 if he factors in the fact that kissing Eren is like kissing a brother and thus automatically gross.
Post-kiss, the first thing Armin is aware of is that the corporal is giving him another one of his constipated looks that vaguely resembles betrayal. He is so embarrassed that there is no way he can look his supervisor in the eye right now, or maybe even ever again. In fact, Armin kind of hopes that a rogue titan comes crashing through the cabin and kills them all instantly, humanity be damned.
If Hanji was amused before, she is beside herself with humor now, banging her fist on the table and squawking out catcalls. Just like always, Jean picks the worst time to draw attention to himself. “Eren- have some dignity man! I don’t want to see this!”
Eren grimaces, his big ol’ green eyes narrowing in distaste as he whips his head around to glare at Jean. Armin watches in a fugue as Jean takes a defensive step back.
“Wh-what are you looking at me like that for Jaeger?” Jean squeaks, his voice is not suited for the sound and it reminds Armin of a dying field mouse being carried away by a falcon. Combined with the roaring in his ears and the peels of the Major’s laughter the room sounds like utter madness.
Eren takes a pointed step toward Jean, fists clasped tightly at his side, determined in the face of a great burden that he 100% does not have to do. “I have to say good morning to you.” Eren growls and takes another step forward.
Maybe Armin is still asleep and dreaming? Maybe when he slammed his head on the table after the first kiss he died and is now imagining his worst fears? That would explain why he was suffering so much for seemingly no reason or through no fault of his own?
Jean gives up trying to be brave altogether and actually shrieks, scooping up a chair to physically keep Eren away from him. “You literally don’t! You’re so full of shit, stay away from me Eren!”
Still, Armin can’t imagine that he’d ever dream up Eren trying to kiss Jean, so maybe this was actually a nightmare? It certainly felt like it. He idly wonders if he could drown himself in his shallow bowl to oatmeal and end it all here. Unfortunately oatmeal just makes him think about Eren kissing him again. He pushes the bowl away in disgust.
Jean’s back is against the wall and the chair is the only thing keeping Eren from his completing his self assigned mission. A chair leg pokes him in the chest threateningly. Jean is beside himself and calls out for help. “Corporal, have mercy! Call off your lapdog please!”
Armin winces, knowing that under normal circumstances drawing attention to Levi’s feelings for Eren was the last thing you should do if you were asking him for a favor. He steals a look at the Corporal.
Yikes.
Levi is not faring well. His already scrunched features have warped to look like he has subsisted his entire life on nothing but the bitterest of lemons and he is gripping the edge of the table so tightly that he’s worried it might splinter from the pressure. Not for the first time Armin has to question Eren’s sanity if this was the face he was finally surmounting puberty for.
Jean is now begging for Major Hanji to help him and is sending furtive glances at the axes they use for chopping wood, knowing that any limb he lobs off Eren will grow back. Hanji only cackles. “Jean be useful and make sure to get a sample of his saliva so I can test it!”
Eren is about 10 seconds away from snapping the chair in half. “Just be a man and let me say good morning, this is your fault!”
“MY FAULT? You’re the one being weird and kissing upper management!”
“This is normal in Shiganshina you ass!”
“It literally is not! You’re just too stubborn to admit you messed up!”
Armin groans, willing it all to stop. “Sir, surely you can’t let this go on.” Levi looks like he wants to agree with him but can’t let himself admit to anything.
“The idiot made his bed, why should I care if he has to lie in it?”
This is insanity and can not be allowed to go on. Armin pushes down his own misery and embarrassment to finally look the Corporal directly in the eye. “I suppose that is true, but I would think you’d care more because the metaphorical uh… bed in question is yours. Sir. Do you really want to share with Jean, even indirectly?”
Levi narrows his eyes at the implication, but can not suppress the shutter that goes through his body at the thought of having to indirectly kiss Jean. Armin tries to desperately ignore that all but confirms that Levi intended to makeout with Eren at some point in the near future. He can’t stomach that right now. The only thing Armin wants less than kisses from Eren is to talk with his commanding officer about possibly deflowering him.
Absolutely not, no betting pool was worth that.
Seeing that Levi could actually be swayed to intervene with the right pressure, Armin plays the final ace up his sleeve. “At this rate sir, the rest of the team is going to come rushing in and Eren being Eren will think he has to….say good morning to them as well. Do you real-”
So horrified by the thought, Levi does not let him finish before he jumps to his feet.
“Kirschtein, shut the fuck up and put that chair down before I make you eat it!” Levi bellows. He’s not one to often raise his voice, he usually doesn’t need to, and it makes all four soldiers in the room jump. “Don’t let me see your face until you’ve chopped enough firewood to get us through the winter.” It is July.
Obediently, Jean drops the chair, hastily picks it back up, tucks it into the table before screeching out an affirmative “Sir!” and makes a beeline for the door, before Levi can change his mind.
Armin wishes that were him so badly he could spit blood.
When Eren looks like he’s going to dart after him, Levi stomps over and grabs a fistful of his shirt and physically throws him into a chair at the table. “If you try to put your lips on that horse I’m cutting them off, whether they grow back or not. Sit down and shut up Eren.” At least in this, Eren knows when to back down and yield to an immovable obstacle. He purses his lips but obeys.
Armin is so relieved he could cry. He just might.
Levi then cuts his glare next to Hanji, who blinks at him with fake innocence. “Glasses, take Arlert and have your asinine titan chit-chat in the field.”
The Major pouts and crosses her arms, clearly upset about being dismissed. Armin wishes that Moblit were here instead of on a trip into town, so that he could diffuse the situation. Surely whatever the survey corps paid Moblit to wrangle the scientist was not enough.
“I don’t know, it seems counterproductive to talk about titans without having an actual titan, maybe me and Armin should take Eren with us?” She looks at him for support but Hanji’s absolutely off her rocker if she thinks he’s getting involved anymore than he already is. He avoids her eyes.
Levi lays a hand on Eren’s shoulder, as if daring her to try to pry him out of his grasp. If Armin were Eren, and had his regenerative abilities, he thinks he’d be gnawing off his own arm to escape. But if anything Eren looks grounded by Levi’s touch, as if there is nowhere else he'd rather be. It’s not a kind thought, but Armin wonders if Eren’s hit his head one too many times in his lifetime to ever willingly want this kind of attention.
Eren gives Major Hanji a beseeching look. “Sir, please. I will join you and Armin after I apologize to the corporal for my behavior. Don’t halt your discussion on my account.”
Had he less self preservation, Armin would have pointed out that it was not just Levi Eren should be apologizing to for his impromptu kissing, but he knows that bringing this up will only make things worse. He wants to leave and he wants to leave now.
Armin shoots to his feet. “Well if Eren wants to stay and make it up to the Corporal we should abide by that.” He quickly grabs his jacket and books before grabbing Major Hanji’s arm like he’s seen Moblit do a thousand times prior and ushers her to the door as quickly as he can, ignoring her squawks of indignation.
This is his opportunity to escape and he will not be missing it. There is only so much embarrassment he can handle in one day and Armin has beyond met his threshold.
He briefly tries to catch Eren's gaze one last time, but he is looking at Levi with some kind of awed, mushy, expression. Armin worries about leaving him there to apologize, whatever that entails, especially when it looks like he's just had a revelatory experience about his feelings, but quickly shoots the idea down. Corporal was right about one thing, Eren had made his bed and now he had to lie in it. There was nothing he could do to help him now.
‘Good luck Eren.’ he thinks and slams the door shut.
“Ow ow hey, ok enough shoving!” Hanji complains once they’ve successfully cleared the cabin and made it to the makeshift area that she uses for research. To his credit Armin manages to not let out a massive sigh of relief at being physically separated from the Breakfast Incident, but it is a close thing.
“We needed to escape, a tactical retreat.” He murmurs as he runs a hand through his hair to alleviate some of the stressful energy coursing through him. What a mess.
Armin doesn’t know how he’s supposed to face Mikasa after this; he thinks a good friend would tell her what happened, but a smart friend would hide it until their dying breath. In the distance he sees Jean chopping wood at a fevered pace. He’s reasonably sure Jean would rather die than talk about this ever again, let alone to Mikasa, so at least there's that.
Worst of all, Armin, for all intents and purposes, should win the betting pool for this but he can’t claim the prize without spilling the beans to everyone. ‘This is so unfair ’ he thinks darkly. ‘All of this suffering for nothing.’
Hanji rolls her eyes at the perceived dramatics. “You’re no fun, I hardly ever get the chance to tease Levi.”
Armin wants to scream but manages to hold it back. “With all due respect sir, we could have died in there. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to eat oatmeal with a straight face again.” That was unfortunate considering that's the only breakfast rations they would have for the foreseeable future.
Hanji waves his concerns off with a huff. “That's the problem with you newbies, you let Levi get away with everything because he’s ‘ SCARY ’ and ‘ MIGHT MURDER YOU ’.” Armin does not appreciate the way she puts air quotes around what he considers to be very legitimate concerns. "This is why your betting pool is taking so long, if you don't prod them along they'll just stare dumbly at each other until the walls fall."
Armin sputters, thrown by this admission. "You know about that?!" How long had Hanji known about the betting pool? How on earth did she learn about it?
The brunette whistles innocently, but the effect is minimal, she looks too proud of herself to sell it. “I may have 5 days of rations on today being the day. Sasha will take food bets from anyone."
Once again Armin is plunged into fear that he is not as clever as he thinks he is; that Major Hanji saw an opportunity to win and played them all. He hadn't even noticed. "Did- Did you orchestrate all of whatever this was?"
“"Orchestrate" might be a strong word. No one could have predicted Eren's little doting husband kissing stunt, but I may have taken advantage of it when it was in motion. Teenage boys are so easily rallied up by challenges and outside influences. Not that you'd ever be able to prove any of that. It's all hypothetical, I'm just an innocent bystander who got hit by a wayward smooch. Same as you."
Armin stares in absolute horror. Hanji had been the one to egg on Jean to a fever pitch, to prod Levi and force him to put his foot down and make Eren stay to apologize. And he had unknowingly helped her. He had ruined oatmeal for himself. If he wasn't so horrified, he'd be impressed.
After a moment the Major seems to lose interest in his revelation and instead elbows him in the side good-naturedly. "Still…it kinda makes you wonder just how Eren is ‘apologizing’ huh? Maybe we'll take the betting pool after all?”
This time, Armin really does scream.