Chapter Text
Prologue
John wouldn't say he was the best father, but he was trying. Trying his hardest at that, but fuck if his sons didn't make that almost impossible. He guesses it's like Bobby said, kids were supposed to be selfish, and his job as a parent was to take care of them.
Guess Mary lucked out on that one right? Now it wasn't like he hated his wife, he definitely didn't, he just wanted to knock some sense into her sometimes. But he considered himself a good man and he wouldn't dare lay a hand on his wife, or former wife. Even though they hadn't gotten a divorce, he hadn't seen her since six months after Sam was born.
He tried to find her at first, but what he found wasn't his wife. He found a woman so caught up in living her life she forgot about her kids, so he did what was best for him and his kids, he told her to never come near him or their kids again. John didn't really think she'd do it. He thought she would realize how her kids needed a mother.
Turns out he was wrong. But John wasn't one to give up, he was a Winchester after all, he'd seen how his own father left him and his mother and decided he wasn't gonna do the same. He was going to be there for his kids, through the good and the bad.
(And fuck if the bad wasn't bad).
His eldest, Dean, was just like his mother (when he'd first met her and she was still a Campbell). He was just as quick-witted and took no shit from anyone, even at a young age (John couldn't count how many times he had to pick up a ten-year-old Dean from school for fighting). Not to mention his looks, he had the same blonde hair as his mother, vibrant green eyes, and freckles splattered across his face. John was sure would break all the ladies (and men's) hearts.
He was also fiercely protective of his family, especially his little brother Sam.
Sam, was the complete opposite of Dean. He looked nothing like his mother, and more like John. He had brown hair that even for a baby was always a bit too long, but he didn't seem to mind. He had blue/gray/hazel eyes, and a temper to match John's own. He was also attached to Dean's hip everywhere they went.
He took Dean's word as law, while he blatantly disobeyed John, without a second thought. Though John had heard Dean many times telling Sam that he should obey their father because he knew what was best for them. And John could never understand the unfailing trust Dean always placed in him.
Neither of the boys knew what happened to their mom, Sam doesn't even remember her, and Dean only has the good memories of her. Though he never asks, John can tell sometimes he wants to. He doesn't think he could handle seeing their faces when he tells them their mom just up and left them.
But despite all the hardships they had to endure the first few years without Mary, like being on the road all the time because of the odd jobs John would pick up, and the bar fights they had to witness (probably where Dean got that fighting was a good thing from) they made it out alive.
After being gone for two and a half years, John returned to Lawrence, Kansas, with an almost-three-year-old Sam and a seven-year-old Dean. They moved back into their old house and he found a job at a Fire House nearby, Mary had always loved the idea of him being a firefighter. And he raised his kids there, the house where it was supposed to be him and Mary.
The kids grew up, Dean got taller and more smart-mouthed, and somewhat an asshole, (Just like John when he was that age, though he would never tell Dean that), and Sam got smarter and challenged him even more (though he would never admit it, trading barbs with Sam was keeping him young and on his toes).
By age 13 Dean was just as good as John was under the hood of a car, and Sam, at 9, had just about read all the books in the county library. John was proud as hell of his kids.
(But good things only last so long right?)
It all came crashing down a few months after Dean's 13th birthday. The day had started out like any other day, though looking back now John could tell Dean had been acting different, at the time he couldn't see that, he brushed it off as teenager shit, but he should have known better, Dean would have never acted like the teenager he was, more of an adult.
John blames Dean acting like an adult on himself, even at a young age Dean was always looking out for others and never himself.
John remembers that day like it was yesterday, Dean had lashed out at him over a Pb&J sandwich, saying that he wasn't making it right, and he kept repeating it, and all of a sudden he launched himself at John and started hitting him with his fist.
After a few minutes, John finally subdued him, and then Dean just broke down. He tried figuring out what was wrong with his son, but whenever he asked it made Dean cry harder. Seeing Dean cry was a rare event, even as a kid Dean almost never cried, and never as much as he did on that day.
John was glad Sam wasn't there or else it would have been worse. two kids freaking out? Yeah, no he couldn't even handle just one.
(Looking back, and all the things he had seen as a firefighter, he should have put two and two together)
After a couple of hours of holding Dean, so that he wouldn't hurt himself or John, he finally fell asleep (It was only around 10 A.M.) Not knowing what to do he placed Dean on the sofa and decided that Dean just needed some rest, and he would be fine.
Yeah, John really had too much faith in whatever higher power, didn't he?
When Dean woke up a few hours later, John watched him carefully as he sat up looking around the room lost. John approached him slowly, calling his name so as not to scare the boy. When he asked Dean about it the boy didn't seem to remember, which baffled John, it had only happened a few hours ago. But whatever it was they needed to figure it out before Sam came home from school.
Dean obviously didn't want to talk about it, but John pressed him to. After hearing that he didn't remember anything happening, John decided to let it go.
(First mistake.)
After a few days of watching Dean closely, and nothing happened, John let it go. A couple of days later John was called to the school, by the principal. Dean had lashed out at one of the students and proceeded to beat him up, and when the teacher tried to intervene he pushed him down and tried to hit him. Luckily the school security guard stepped in just in time, only to get tackled by Dean.
By the time John had arrived, (He had to drop Sam off at Ellen's) they had taken Dean to a hospital for a psych evaluation, and he wasn't allowed to see him yet, by the time he was they had already admitted Dean. When he was finally allowed into Dean's room, he was horrified at what he saw.
They had strapped Dean's hands and feet to his hospital bed and had an iv running in his arm. When John asked what was in the iv, the nurse told him it was Isoflurane, to keep him sedated, because apparently, he had tried to bite one of the nurses.
(It reminded him of one of the victims of a fire he had saved, only for their spouse to not make it out alive. The man had gone crazy, and the EMT had to sedate him.)
John was glad it was the weekend, he had to stay at the hospital until a therapist could come and check on Dean's mental health. He called Ellen and let her know he wouldn't be able to pick Sam up, which she assured was okay, and to take her of her 'Little Brawler' (Her nickname for an eight-year-old Dean, after he had goaded a grown man into a fight with him at her bar).
With that taken care of John called Bobby and filled him in on what happened, and like always he gave John great advice. Reassured by both his friends, John waited in Dean's Hospital room until the next morning when he was greeted by a child psychologist.
The psychologist, Dr. Brunner, informed John after he had taken a look at Dean's behavior on file that maybe his son was experiencing the first stage of mood disorder, and also showing signs of being bipolar.
John couldn't believe what he was hearing. His son wasn't a crazy person. (He had seen crazy people and his son wasn’t one of them). This reminded him too much of the way Mary had acted sometimes. Dr. Brunner had asked him about Dean's mom, and he had simply told him, that Mary wasn't in the picture.
The Doc also said that before anything could be finalized with Dean, they'd have to wait until he was awake, to analyze his behavior, but not to be surprised if they have to put him on meds. So the nurses took the iv out and all they had to do was wait on Dean to wake up.
And when he woke up, it was terrible. He immediately tried to break out of the restraints, John tried to calm him down but that didn't work too well. While one of the nurses held him down another injected him with another sedative. And all he did was stand back and watch his son collapse in the nurse's arm.
After a couple of hours had passed they tried to wake him up again, this time he seemed much calmer. Dr. Brunner asked him to step out of the room while he talked to Dean alone, of course, he objected but ended up leaving when Dr. Bunner explained to him that Dean would likely talk to him without the presence of his dad.
After what seemed like hours the doctor finally came out of the room, and John immediately bombarded him with questions. Apparently, he and Dean had quite the conversation because they ended up keeping Dean in the hospital psych ward for the next two days.
During those two days, Dr. Brunner prescribed Dean some meds that would help with his mood disorder and bipolar. He explained to John that when they release Dean, he would have to keep an eye on him. Monitor his mood swings and his energy levels, if they had a sudden spike or a sudden drop.
John took everything the doctor told him in stride, a couple of months of Dean taking these meds and he would be back to normal.
Yeah, no Dr. Brunner told him that Dean had probably been suffering from his illness since he was a child. Looking back, John couldn't place one time when Dean had indicated that something was wrong.
After one last talk with Dr. Brunner, Dean was released. For most of the car ride, Dean was knocked out due to his first round of pills. Not wanting to leave Dean in the house by himself, John swung by Ellen's to pick Sam up, who had just gotten out of school.
The rest of the ride home wasn't as quiet as John had hoped due to Sam asking him questions about why they went to the hospital, and John had told him it was grown-up business. Sam then proceeded to point out that Dean wasn't a grown-up, and well he had John there.
The only way he got Sam to quiet down was because he promised to tell him everything when they got home. Which led him to another problem, telling his nine-year-old son that his brother was going crazy and he needed pills to help him.
God, that was almost as bad as telling him that their mother had left them.
After he carried his drugged-out son into the house and laid him on the bed, He sat down on the couch with Sam.
(You see, John's the type of guy who prefers to rip the band-aid right off).
So of course that is exactly what he did with Sam. And Sam being the smart kid he was, got what he saying right away.
John also explained to him that he would need Sam to watch out for his big brother from now on. Normally he would be telling that to Dean, but he guessed that's what got him in this situation in the first place. John could tell that Sam took his plea to heart, (About time he did).
The following months were something of a nightmare that never seemed to end. The first batch of meds that Dr. Brunner had prescribed worked for about two months, but the side effects had turned Dean into a zombie and John couldn’t stand seeing him like that.
Dr. Brunner agreed, he had hoped Dean's body would adjust to the drugs, but he didn't. For the next few months, Dean's new meds had him throwing up, but Dr. Brunner had assured him that was a side effect of the transition from his old meds.
But when he still kept throwing up they changed his meds, once again, the current one he's taking.
Or was supposed to be taking.
John really thought that after the year they had that Dean would at least try and make it easy, but once again that wasn't the Winchester way.
He had trusted the now fifteen-year-old Dean to take his meds for about four months now. He thought he could trust Dean to do this. The kid never disobeyed him. The only way he found that Dean wasn't taking his meds, was because Sam had pointed out how strange Dean had been acting for the past couple of weeks.
So John checked the meds and turns out all thirty of them were still in the bottle, which meant Dean hadn't been taking his meds for a month or so. He confronted Dean right away, but like the stubborn person he was, he refused to tell John why he hadn't been taking his meds.
John's first approach to the situation was to talk calmly to Dean and have him explain what the problem was, (but John wasn't known for his patience, was he?) Soon the conversation turned into a heated argument, which he almost never got into with Dean, that was Sam's thing.
The conversation ended up with Dean locking himself in his room and John storming out of the house. John needed to clear his head or else he would do something he would regret. He drove around for a bit, with no place in mind, and somehow ended up at the park where he would take the boys when they were younger.
He parked and leaned his head against the Impala's steering wheel. He needed to talk to someone. So of course he called Bobby. The mechanic answered on the second ring. John skirted around his problem not wanting to talk about it just yet, but Bobby knew something was up and called him out on his bull.
He told Bobby about Dean, though the older man didn't seem surprised. John voiced his thoughts about not knowing what to do with Dean. The older man then suggested having both boys come up to Sioux Falls for the summer, since it was their last week of school away, and John could use a break, plus Sioux Falls was only a five-and-a-half-hour drive away.
John agreed, but only when Bobby assured him that the boys wouldn't be any trouble, Dean loved going to Bobby's anyway. Feeling much more relieved, John hung up and headed home, where unsurprisingly, Sam had gotten Dean to come out of his room but still refused to take his meds.
John, not wanting to risk another argument with Dean told him the good news. Dean's whole mood seemed to change, from depressed to excited. John didn't know what Dean and Bobby got up to on their visits but whatever it was, it was enough to keep Dean smiling and happy.
( And really isn't that what every parent wanted for their kids? For them to be happy.)
Even Sam seemed to perk up, Bobby had a whole library at his house that Sam basically poured over every time he went to the older man's house.
The next week went by faster than John had expected, and they were halfway to Bobby's house. They arrived, and Bobby was outside ready to greet them. Both boys ran to greet their 'Uncle' Bobby, and headed into the house with their bags, leaving John and Bobby outside alone.
After hugging the man John gave him Dean's meds, hoping Bobby could coax the boy into taking them. The man took them but said he couldn't promise anything. John nodded solemnly and hugged Bobby one last time before leaving. Knowing Bobby the man could probably get whatever was bothering Dean out of him. John glanced back at the rearview mirror, watching as the familiar house disappeared. His boys were in good hands, he was certain of it.