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Part 1 of the aroaceification of wonderlands x showtime
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2023-07-03
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2023-09-24
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a fractured heart (that's never been broken)

Summary:

Kamishiro Rui had never fallen in love. He's known romance stories and musicals, plays of intimacy, of heartbreak, and love. He knows what it's supposed to feel like. Why has he never experienced it himself?

aka kamishiro rui is so incredibly aromantic and it is my personal duty to convince you all of that

rated teen for minor implications of suicidal ideation

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1: beauty on the rooftop

Notes:

hiiiii welcome to part one of my purpose in life: the aroaceification of wonderlands x showtime

tw for minor implications of suicidal ideation in chapter 1 and internalized aphobia in all chapters

hope you enjoy!!!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

The wind was always strongest on the rooftop. Rui could barely feel the sting of the icy particles digging into his numbed fingers, scarred from years of robotics. His hair kept blowing into his face, that annoying turquoise strand in particular. Mizuki kept nagging him to tie it up properly, or at least actually brush his knotty hair. Rui never bothered, though. Not like anyone was going to see him up here anyways.

The rooftop was good for hiding from eyes. Teacher’s eyes, disappointed in the apathetic genius in back who would have so much potential if he just applied himself a little more. Classmate’s eyes, freaked out by that weirdo that used to drag them into dangerous stunts with those strange robots. Judging eyes. Envious eyes. Malicious eyes. Scared eyes. All those eyes.

What was the big deal about eyes, anyways? So many novels seem to point them out. Rui could understand the dramatic appeal of them glowing during magical duels and the symbolic use of complementary colors in foils. They express feelings words could never convey. But why did every romance seem to focus on them so much? Over half the page would be dedicated to describing the love interest's eyes in increasing detail (do people even make eye contact that long?). The protagonist would then go to incredible lengths to catch the attention of said eyes. Everyone found that hopeless longing endearing. They proclaimed it as the pinnacle of romance, the peak of human life. Rui just couldn’t see the appeal.

Rui gazed down through the fence. From up here, the wintery school grounds seemed like a giant stage. People buzzed about their days, floating by from place to place. Some would stop and eat lunch, others chat as they drifted to class. A few would scoop up some snow and press it into their friend’s back, much to their companion’s dismay. Rui could hear their muffled screams even this high up. Every once in a while, a few would sneak their partner out for a secret kiss. When the breeze picked up, the snow swirled around the courtyard to create a snow globe, though Rui couldn’t help the sinking feeling he was the one trapped inside the glass dome.

He shouldn’t have felt so distant. It wasn’t as if he were in some completely different world. Don’t the stage and audience occupy the same space? Did that make him the lone actor performing a tragic tale? Or was he the single audience member unable to step on stage?

Why did it seem he was the only one who couldn’t figure that out?

 

Whatever. It was a waste of time to think about it too much. Not like that would change anything.

Rui brought his attention back to the small bot in his lap. It still needed some tweaking, but he could definitely finish this one by the end of the school day. One could get a lot done when not confined to a classroom, after all.

A familiar chime rang through the school. Ah, lunch break. It didn’t mean too much to Rui. He ran on his own schedule, and it wasn’t like anyone else was going to come up here.

Spare one other wandering soul.

The rooftop door clicked open. Rui didn’t need to look up to know who arrived. “Afternoon, Mizuki. Or, should I say morning for you?”

That got a slight chuckle out of them. Rui smiled slightly.

“What’cha working on, Rui?” they asked, now leaning on the wired fence he was sitting against.

“Nothing much. A prototype for a small jellyfish drone. I thought the swaying of the tentacles in the wind could create a mesmerizing undersea effect, and if I programmed these LEDs correctly, it could mimic bioluminescence for some unique lighting. I have to find a way to ensure the oral arms won’t get tangled in the propellors hidden inside the bell, however, and stabilization in this weather is hard to get just right...”

Mizuki nodded, pretending to understand. That’s all their conversations ever were- cast threads with no attempt to connect, empty phrases echoing around an emptier void.

The two sat in silence, spare the whistling of the winter wind. Rui spent most of his attention on his jellyfish drone. He could see Mizuki out of the corner of his eye- partially watching him, mostly lost in their own thoughts. Even without his focus, Rui could tell there was something troubling them. Whatever it was, Mizuki seemed hesitant to put the it to words. Rui didn’t blame them.

Thoughts are loud. Even if they start small, they echo and echo and echo to the point nothing else can drown them out. They consume and overwhelm and drown everything else away until all that’s left is inescapable noise. The only release is to speak them out, though the cost often ends up worse. Once thoughts enter the realm of being, the sound turns to tangible weight that can never be taken back. One can only hope they have the strength to carry it, lest it crush them completely.

He couldn’t do anything about the noise, but just maybe, he might be able to lift some of that pressure.

 

Rui set the jellyfish drone down on the cold cement, opting to twirl his screwdriver between his fingers. “Just say it, Mizuki. You know I don’t bite.”

“Ah… perceptive as ever. I guess there really is no fooling you, huh,” The fence rattled as they suddenly leaned back. “I guess, uh… I...” Their face flushed an intense shade of pink, even brighter than their short hair. Mizuki dragged a hand down their face with a sigh. “god this is so embarrassing… I think I have a crush.”

“Oh, um… congratulations?”

They stopped moving for a second, a slight look of puzzlement over their face.

In a half-desperate attempt to alleviate the sudden rush of contagious awkwardness, Rui scrambled for any sort of follow up.

“Why?”

That… was not the correct response.

At least it got another chuckle from Mizuki. “You’re the dumbest genius on the planet.” They sighed. “I don’t know, I guess, theres just something about them? They’re incredibly talented and creative. I don’t know how they do it! Every time I think they’ve reached their peak, they somehow make something even more crazy. They’ve got a lovely voice, too. I could listen to them talk for hours and hours. And that laugh! It’s… heh. It’s the most beautiful melody I’ve heard. Plus, they’re super super cute. That’s the most important part.”

“They see nice. What’s their name?”

Rui had never seen someone turn that red before. He really was not doing well at this.

“R-RUI!! You can’t just ask that!!! I can’t- I mean- uh…. you uh… probably wouldn’t even know… her…”

Something about that response seemed off, but Rui decided it was easier to play along. “I didn’t know you liked girls.”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, I like both guys and girls.”

That seemed genuine, at least. “Twice the audience for your gaze to capture, then. Well, let me know if you’d ever like a wingman. I could build you something, if needed. How do you feel about rose petal showers?”

“Rui, you are the last person I would ever ask.”

“Understandable.”

 

Their conversation lulled back to that all-too-familiar silence. Rui picked up the mostly-finished drone once more while Mizuki wandered through their own thoughts. Mizuki kept looking his way and smiling before quickly looking straight ahead. They seemed both better and worse after talking. Rui had probably done everything he could by now, at least with what Mizuki had been able to say. He knew they were still hiding something, but who was he to judge? From what he understood of crushes, they tended to be these consuming, secretive things, at least from what romances he’s read. He couldn’t really speak from experience yet. It was probably best to let Mizuki open up at their own pace.

A few minutes after the class bell rung, Mizuki spoke. “I’m probably going to go back inside. Class is horrible, but it’s at least a little better than this cold,” Mizuki shivered a little to drive the point home.

“We both know you’re just going to go back home.”

“Can you read minds now or something?”

“I’m not trying to stop you, am I? Go make some hot chocolate. It’s best with marshmallows and a little bit of peppermint, if you have those.”

“I’ll look for some, thanks.”

Their hand hovered over the door handle. Mizuki glanced back at Rui, a question stuck on the tip of their tongue. After a second’s too long of hesitation, they threw open the door and nearly sprinted down the stairs. With the slam of the closing door, Rui was alone once again.

There were about three hours left of school to finish this drone, more than enough time. Rui’s thoughts tended to wander when he worked on projects. Usually, they revolved around the various ways this bot could be used in a show, what modifications could be possible in the future, Though today, he couldn’t help but wonder who Mizuki’s secret crush could possibly be. They had said she was someone Rui didn’t know, but that response had sounded forced. Therefore, it was highly likely to be someone Rui did in fact know. Though, the only person Rui had ever seen Mizuki with was himself. So unless Mizuki’s secret crush was…

Oh.

 

Oh.

That… couldn’t be right. They were barely friends. Mizuki couldn’t actually…

Sure, they were a great person. Mizuki was passionate and creative. He could hear the love in their voice whenever they talked about the new shoujo anime they were watching, the cute accessories they wanted to try on one day, their sister’s latest design they got to model the night before. He admired the courage they showed that day, when they broke down and spilled their deepest secret to him. He trusted them to the end of the earth. Without Mizuki, Rui wasn’t sure if he’d even be up on this rooftop.

Yet, the thought of Mizuki actually having a crush made him want to throw up. The thought of requiting that feeling was somehow worse. Isn’t he supposed to want this? Isn’t love the thing that makes us human? Why does the thought of it make him wish, just for a second, the rooftop no longer had a fence?

Maybe it was just Mizuki he didn’t like. After all, wasn’t he supposed to like girls? Mizuki had said once they weren’t quite sure what they were, boy, girl, both, or neither. Though they said they wanted to try presenting more femininely some day, it didn’t mean they were necessarily a girl. Maybe that was the issue. For every hypothesis, an experiment must follow. Ideally, his trial would include a larger sample population, but only one person had ever stuck around long enough for him to know her.

Now that he thought about it, it really had been a while since he’d seen Nene. He hoped she was doing well. A halfhearted thought to walk across the street to say hello crossed Rui’s mind, knowing full well he didn’t have the courage to do so.

Rui imagined asking her out on a romantic walk to the river. They’d watch the fish swim through the sunset-tinted waters of the river, dreaming of where they might go. He’d admire the way her long hair danced in the wind, highlighted by the moon above. Or maybe she would have cut it short and he’d run his fingers along the silky-smoothness. Would she still be as shy as he had known her? Or would she have found the courage to sing her siren’s song as he join with the harmonies? They’d lean into each other and share a tender kiss with only the stars as their witness.

It would be a date right out of a storybook. Who doesn’t love childhood friends to lovers, after all? It’s a classic trope for a reason. From a distance, it seemed perfect. But for all the dangerous, thrilling stunts Rui put into his shows, falling in love with Kusanagi Nene was one that truly was impossible. He just couldn’t cast himself in the lead role.

 

Rui picked up his drone again. He flipped the on switch and held out his hand, letting the jellyfish lift itself to the sky. The fabric bell inflated gently as it rose, the tentacles swaying mesmerizingly in the wind. The breeze picked up slightly, swirling specks of snow around with it. The soft blue lights lining the drone’s skeleton reflected against the snow particles, glittering as if they were graced by starlight.

Rui would have called it beautiful, but he was starting to doubt if he even knew what that meant anymore.

Notes:

middle school rui means a lot to me

Chapter 2: the alchemist's prince

Notes:

sorry ruikasa shippers

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

By the time high school rolled around, Rui had determined an important fact. He had to be gay. It was the only explanation, really. What else could explain his complete lack of attraction to girls? Surely by now he would have had at least a little crush on one. Anyone. But, he hadn’t, so he must be gay. Never mind the fact he’d never had a crush on a boy either. Though, isn’t the first step acceptance? Maybe now that he can accept the fact he has to be gay, he’ll realize he has a crush. On nobody yet, but when they come along. The prince will come sweep this lonely alchemist off his feet just like all the stories say. They’ll be madly in love and hold hands and kiss and… whatever else people who are madly in love do. He hadn’t really thought that far ahead.

The prince may still be on his way, but at least a knight had rescued him from his tower. A fiery, passionate knight with dreams of stardom and the will to reach them, led by a stubborn, energetic, and kind princess with assistance from a reclusive siren hiding a spirit of steel. What a ragtag troupe they were. Rui would have it no other way.

Still, it would be nice if his prince came soon. Every fairy tale ends with one, don’t they? Shouldn’t Rui’s have to, too?

An unnaturally loud voice broke him from his daydream.

“RUI!!!!!” Tsukasa slid through the classroom door, nearly falling over as he slid to a halt. As expected of our dear troupe leader, Rui chuckled, setting his pencil down to face his surprise visitor. When Tsukasa saw his director look up, he gave one of his signature showman smiles.

“To what do I owe you the pleasure of this visit?” Rui asked, sending back a catlike grin of his own.

“I was wondering if you would join me on the rooftop for lunch after this class!”

“Oh? Something you’d like to discuss?”

Tsukasa laughed, a hearty sound that surely echoed through the whole school. “Do I need a reason to hang out with my genius director?”

Rui shouldn’t have been surprised by his troupe leader at this point, but the earnest declaration still managed to catch him off guard. He blinked a few times, frozen, before regaining his composure. “Of course not. I’d love to,”

Rui had no idea how Tsukasa’s smile got even brighter, but somehow he managed it. “Great!”

“You know, there’s a little project I’ve been working on in my spare time I’d like to show you…” With each word Rui spoke, a growing sense of mixed awe and regret grew behind Tsukasa’s eyes. All the more reason to finish that bot as soon as possible. However, Rui was cut short by the ringing of the school bell. “Ah, I believe that’s your cue,”

“WAUGH! Gotta go! See you at lunch, Rui!!”

“See you later, my star,”

With that, Tsukasa disappeared out the door. Rui spun his pencil between his fingers a few times before opening a new journal page to sketch out a few stage concepts. A warm feeling lingered in his heart. Only a few months ago he would have laughed if someone suggested he’d feel this way about… anything, really. Certainly nothing as small as a lunch between friends.

Friends, huh. . What a pleasant word. What a pleasant concept. What a wonderful thing to have, finally. Things really do get better.

 

A short moment later, the chair in front of Rui creaked slightly. “Hey, Kamishiro-kun?”

Rui looked up from his sketchbook (it was more covered in star doodles than actual planning). His classmate was looking at him with a curious expression. Rui wasn’t sure if he had ever talked to them before, never mind knowing their name. Rui was half-tempted to ignore them, but it wasn’t often that anyone other than his close friends even looked his way, so he might as well entertain them. “Can I help you with something?”

“Sorry if this is a nosy question, but… what’s the deal between you and Tenma-kun?”

The question puzzled Rui. Isn’t it pretty obvious? The ‘One Two Wombo Combo’ name didn’t come out of thin air, after all. Maybe this might be a new student, or someone even more out of the loop than Rui is. Or one that’s deaf to explosions.

“Tsukasa-kun and I perform shows together. He is the troupe leader of Wonderlands x Showtime, and I the director. Tsukasa-kun is a talented actor with dreams of stardom. He responds to every direction with his all and never passes an opportunity to learn. I have never met a person more caring, passionate, or dedicated,” The warmth in his chest swelled. Tsukasa truly was incredible. All of them were. This troupe gave him the world (and another one quite literally). How grateful he is to have met them all.

Rui’s classmate still had that mildly confused look on their face, though. Well, Tsukasa-kun is a personality better personally met than mentioned, Rui mused.

“… I mean, like, are you two dating or something?”

Rui’s stomach dropped. “... eh?”

“Ah, nevermind then. Forget I asked,” they remarked, turning back to their desk.

 

The rest of the day was a blur. Rui didn’t usually pay attention during lectures anyways, but this time he couldn’t even focus on his own passion projects. No matter how far he tried to let his mind wander, it always wound up back at that cursed word. Dating. Is that actually what people think? As far as Rui was aware, they were not, in fact, dating. Unless Tsukasa never told him? But as forgetful as his dear leader could be, Rui doubted he’d forget something that important.

It’s not that he doesn’t like Tsukasa. He meant every word from before and then some. He carries a drive unmatched, a spirit undying, a passion unyielding. Tsukasa truly wasn’t lying when he said he’d perform any role “to 12,000% satisfaction”. His conviction never faded since he said those words up on the rooftop all that time ago. In his search for stardom, he’s become a guiding star of his own- a beacon of leadership, of trust, of will, of love.

Despite it all, Rui just couldn’t see Tsukasa… like that. He couldn’t imagine them holding hands, or kissing, or… anything. The second Rui tried imagining them together with romantic intent, his whole body felt cold and shaky. He knew love was supposed to come with butterflies and a racing heart, not like those butterflies were also throwing up and the world was spinning and every bone in his body was screaming in agony of the wrongness of it all.

Rui had accepted being gay. He already knew the stares, the alienation, the bullying. Honestly, being gay might have been easier. At least that way he’d know somebody liked him. That he could like somebody back.

But. He couldn’t.

Kamishiro Rui could not love. Where people’s hearts were full of puppy crushes, love at first sight, wild fantasies, and dramatic breakups, Rui had nothing. Not warmth nor cold, joy nor disgust. Nothing. Not a single speck of any of it. For all the alchemist knew of creation, there was nothing he could make that would fill that void. No matter what he did, Kamishiro Rui could not love. Kamishiro Rui could not love.

What was wrong with him? Why was he unable to feel the most basic human emotion? Everybody is able to love. Everybody. Elementary school kids had their schoolyard crushes. High schoolers experimented with intimacy, and college students commitment. Adults got to find their soulmate and settle down. Elderly folks got to live a life with that person, laughing and caring and loving. Sure, Rui knew most romances didn’t actually go that well, but at least people experienced something. Anything. Any sort of feeling at all. And all Rui got was this gaping hole. He’d give anything to have someone take his heart into their own, show it what it means to truly feel, before smashing it down into the pavement. At least then he’d know he could feel something. At least then he’d know he wasn’t broken.

 

Rui couldn’t help but laugh at his own hopeless situation. That prince he had been waiting for had come after all, under the guise of a noble knight. He had saved the lonely alchemist from the tower and delivered him to the princess and the siren. They gave him a home. They loved him. And that worthless alchemist was was too pathetic to love them back.

Maybe those kids were right, all those years ago. Maybe Kamishrio Rui is a cold, heartless monster.

Maybe he really will be lonely forever.

Notes:

Sorry about the wait, I'm back now!! This chapter's a bit shorter, hope that's ok :) (mad respect to anyone who can write a story longer than 5k btw)

Chapter 3 is in progress, hopefully that will be posted soon! Anyone who knows me also knows I am incapable of not having a happy ending so stay tuned. All your comments from last time were super appreciated, and I hope you've been enjoying this so far!

EDIT 9/24- minor updates to word choice
EDIT 2/10- fixed rui's honorific usage (sidenote- something about how tsukasa started calling rui, "rui", right at the end of their firt meeting- someone who is quick to trust, willing and able to put complete faith in a stranger, especially one seen as "dangerous" by so many. versus rui, who trusts tsukasa with his life, who cares so so so deeply about him, yet still retains a level of formality with addressing him, as if somewhere deep he still feels like the "outsider" he always was....) (sorry to get introspective over a grammar fix lol)

Chapter 3: aromantic

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

a·ro·man·tic

/ˌārōˈman(t)ik/

adjective
1. experiencing little or no romantic attraction to anyone; not having romantic feelings.

noun
1. a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to anyone.

 

Rui wasn’t even sure how he ended up there. He was just on a late-night internet browsing adventure, not really looking for anything in particular other than to kill time, and then he stumbled upon a word he didn’t know and his stupid insatiable curiosity got the better of him and before he knew it that definition became the only thing that mattered in his entire, cluttered workshop.

Aromantic.

Thats… that’s him, isn’t it?

Aromantic.

There was a word for it.

It’s real.

The hole in his heart had a name.

Aromantic.

He’s not lying to himself. He’s not some closed off, emotionally repressed coward in the face of intimacy. He’s not secretly gay and in denial. He’s not a late bloomer, or missing the right person, or any of that nonsense.

It’s real.

It’s as real as science and shows and freakin Hatsune Miku.

As real as the loneliness cast over his entire being.

Aromantic. What a curse it was. “Unable to feel romantic attraction”, it said. To anyone.

He can not love.

He can not love.

He really is broken, isn’t he? Doomed to never feel the most basic of human emotions, no matter how desperately his heart craved to do so. Did he even have a heart to begin with?

He was supposed to like girls. He was supposed to like guys. Now he’s supposed to live the rest of his life so worthlessly alone.

People are people and I am me. Those were the words that his mother spoke to him all those years ago. They had been his solace ever since, carrying him through every cruel stare, every scared outburst, every lonely visit to the rooftop. People are people and I am me.

People are people. They fall in love. They get married. They kiss and they go on dates and they experience all the thrills of romance. That’s what people do.

What the hell does that make Rui?

 

That word never left his head. Aromantic. Aromantic. Broken. Aromantic. Inhuman. Aromantic. Loveless. Worthless. Aromantic.

He saw it in everything. It lived in the way his classmates looked at each other as they passed in the hallways. It invaded every book he read, crept its way into every show he watched, enveloped every song he heard. Romance was quite literally everywhere. How had he not noticed until now? Everywhere Rui turned, he was met with what he could not be. He couldn’t even escape to the rooftop, not after a ‘sneaky’ couple had beaten him to his safe haven. What a curse it was, to only notice how much the world loved once you learned you couldn’t love it back. Everybody loved. Everybody loved.

He had never felt so alone.

 

It was shaping up to be a standard day of rehearsal. The constant, faint chattering of distant park visitors faded into white noise, only overpowered by the occasional but predictable rumbling of the nearby rollercoaster. The mild spring breeze would blow by every so often, tinged with a hint of chill, but overall warm and comforting.

The Wonder Stage stood in all its glory over its beloved troupe. Emu, Nene, and Tsukasa stood under its roof, idly chatting while Rui set up near the back rows of the audience. Nenerobo was at his side, dutifully ready to assist its creator.

“Fufu. Alright, all ready to go. Get in position, everybody! Nenerobo, if you would?” The android nodded. “Thank you. Start the music in five, four, th-“

“AAAAAWWWAAAWAUGH WAIT WAIT WAIT!!!!!!”

Everybody froze, turning towards Emu. She sprinted towards the edge of the stage, stopping with a little hop. She seemed both overjoyed and distressed in a way only Emu could be. “Rui! You need to be on the stage too!”

Rui tilted his head slightly, confused. “I have a much better view from back here, though. If I were on the stage myself, I wouldn’t be able to direct you all to the best of my ability,”

“But you should be able to dance, too!”

“It’s better if I can see the first few run-throughs from the audience’s perspective. That way, I can make the proper adjustments to timing and blocking before we get too carried away,”

“Where’s the fun in just watching though? The stage is always so much more sparkle sparkle and kwaaaa~ when you’re here too!” She accentuated her words with a shake of her fists and quick twirl. “Please?” Emu stared at Rui with a gaze akin to a puppy at the dinner table, adorable and unrelenting.

“We do have a little more time than usual to rehearse this show…” Tsukasa probably hadn’t meant for that to be audible, but even he tends to forget just how loud he can be. Even from such a distance, Rui could see the way Emu was nearly vibrating with hope.

Nene sighed. “Rui, weren’t you just telling me about the video recording feature you installed in Nenerobo, like, twenty minutes ago? Just use that to record the rehearsal and then we can all watch it later. Get up here.”

You’re a part of this, just as much as the rest of us remained unsaid.

“Oh, how clever, Nene! And they call me the genius~” Rui winked at Nene, who just rolled her eyes (and smiled, but if you mentioned that part out loud you were likely to get punched. Tsukasa had learned that one the hard way). “Nenerobo, if you will?”

“Rodger. Recording starting in ten seconds, nine, eight…”

Rui scrambled across the audience benches, nearly tripping over the front row in his haste. By some miracle, he managed to reach his starting mark right as Nenerobo reached zero in one piece.

 

The music stopped, and all Rui could hear were the sharp breaths of his troupe mates, all he could feel the sheer exhilaration of performance. Emu was right. That really was much more exciting than simply watching from the audience.

Nenerobo walked over to the stage, grabbing Rui’s bag on the way. As much as Rui would love to implement a feature that allowed her to project video and image like in those sci-fi movies, he hadn’t quite figured out the mechanics to do so. I’ll have to ask Len to join me on that project sometime soon, he thought offhand. In the meantime, he’d have to settle for simply importing the data onto his tablet.

Rui took the device out of his bag and sat on the edge of the stage, legs dangling off the side. As the video downloaded, the rest of the troupe huddled around him. Tsukasa leaned against Rui’s shoulder while Emu clung to his arm. Nene opted to not join in and treat Rui as a human jungle gym, instead sitting down a few inches to the side. Still, she was close enough where her arm barely brushed against his own when one of them moved. Rui couldn’t help but laugh. They were all gross and sweaty, and the tablet was plenty big enough for them all to easily see without being this close. Still, they chose to crowd around like this. He wouldn’t change it in a million years.

The millisecond the video finished processing, Emu’s finger was already pressing play. She has inhumanly fast reflexes, he thought as the music started. What an incredible talent. I’d imagine no less from her.

The intro was pretty solid, all things considered. He might make some blocking adjustments to highlight Tsukasa more, but it looked good otherwise. As expected from his fearless troupe leader, Tsukasa moved around the stage with an aura of confidence, even with how early on in rehearsal they were. He’s sharp and passionate with his movements, clearly focused on every detail. There’s a certain light to his being that shines brighter with every step. Rui can’t help but awe in the marvel that is his dear troupe leader, the future star of the world.

The focus switched over to Emu. Even though she doesn’t have a lead role, her energy is wholly contagious. Rui was pretty sure Tsukasa didn’t realize the way his eyes shone somehow even brighter when he made brief eye contact with her. Nene, too. Emu sings like there’s not a trouble in the world. With the way she smiles, Rui can’t help but believe, even if just for a moment, that she’s right. Wherever Emu’s feet land, buds of happiness and hope and wonder take root. She truly is amazing.

With a spin, Nene takes the center stage. Her singing is something else entirely. Rui remembers the long afternoons they’d spend together, learning all about shows and storytelling and singing. She sounded like a siren even then. Now, with the experience she’s gained, not a soul on earth could resist her call. Her voice carries much more freedom now, too. Rui didn’t realize just how much he missed that smile until he saw her after their very first rehearsal on this stage. She hadn’t had the courage to show her face, not yet, but the way she looked at them, at him, at life, after that moment…. he wasn’t sure how he ever could have gone without it.

Rui felt someone’s gaze upon him. Not in the way he had feared before, those piercing, scared, disappointed eyes he knew from his past. Those eyes had always felt icy cold, digging into his very soul. This gaze felt warm and comfortable. Safe. He glanced up ever so slightly from the tablet screen. Nene was looking at him with a fondness only a childhood friend could give. That incredible smile she wore on her face during the show remained even now. When Nene realized Rui had noticed her, her face turned a tint red as she laughed under her breath. She wordlessly turned back to the screen, so Rui did the same.

It was only then that Rui noticed the same smile upon his face.

Rui had never been one for pictures. He’d snap the occasional photo of a cool bug or a pretty sunset, maybe something that inspired him for later, but never was he the subject. Honestly, the last photo he can remember being a part of was on the day of middle school graduation, when Mizuki had practically begged him to take a selfie with them. ”For the memories!”, they had said. Rui had mustered up all the happiness he could manage for that photo, so his dear friend had something kind to hang on to when he inevitably had to leave. When they had shown him the photo, Mizuki had said he looked great. All Rui could see was how tired he looked. He was smiling, sure, but it was weighed down and hollow.

On this stage, though, Rui looked so… free. There was a levity in his voice that Rui didn’t know he possessed, freedom within each spin. Passion and purpose reached the tips of his fingertips as he danced. He wasn’t immune to the contagious force of Emu’s smile, nor the guiding light of Tsukasa’s lead, or the allure of Nene’s voice. Up on that stage, Rui looked alive.

He felt alive, even now. More alive than he ever thought possible.

Rui was happy. He was so happy he didn’t even have the words to describe it. He loves this. He loves them. He loves it all with his entire being.

He.

 

Oh.

Rui thought back to that word he felt so cursed by. Aromantic. He had hated it with every bone in his body, hated himself for it. Unable to love, he had said. He had convinced himself that he was missing out on the fundamental piece of being alive.

But, wasn’t this truly what life was about?

Love is too general of a word. Yes, love is it’s traditional romantic sense. Love can be dates and kisses and drama. But so is passion. The will to create, to persevere, to grow and become. So is trust. The ability to believe in yourself, in someone else, in the world. So is respect. The desire to show admiration, to be better, to be respected. So is happiness, and freedom, and hope, and courage. There is so much within love. What kind of world do we live in where someone is considered broken for not feeling one specific form of it? To paint a hole for a heart when that one missing piece is hardly the whole? How could an expanse of nothingness feel this full?

People are people. They fall in love. They get married. They kiss and they go on dates and they experience all the thrills of romance.

I am me. Rui builds. He dreams. He dances and he performs and he experiences all the thrills of creation.

Aromantic. It’s not a curse at all.

 

Kamishiro Rui cannot love. He cannot love Mizuki or Nene, Emu or Tsukasa. He cannot love in the ways that he is supposed to.

Kamishiro Rui is full of love. He is full of creation and hope, of dreams and wishes, of passion and trust. He is love in all the ways he is supposed to.

Kamishiro Rui is aromantic. He cannot love, and he is love.

Kamishiro Rui is aromantic. He is, and that is all he needs to be.

Notes:

this little aro loser makes me sick i love him so much

EDIT 2/10- minor grammar fix!

Notes:

authors notes in the comments :) and ofc leave your own if you liked this!!

if you want to scream abt wxs with me my tumblr is @theguardianace :D

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