Work Text:
Emma and Regina sat on the bench by the dock, the somewhat chilly night air causing them to pull their jackets tighter to their frames. Neither of the two women said anything, but the silence was comfortable rather than awkward or tense as it had been so many times between them in the past. A lot of things had changed since their quest of rescuing Henry from Neverland only to have to take on Zelena the wicked witch of the West who also had turned out to be Regina's sister. And once that was done, the Snow queen had come knocking on their doors for some new trouble. Say whatever you wanted about Storybrooke but it sure wasn't boring, by any means...
And after all of that time being forced into collaboration again and again, the former enemies had managed to reach an understanding and slowly but gradually, a friendship had been formed. Something that none of them were used to having in the first place but what they also had come to discover was something they equally had been craving, without realizing it..;
"Would you have gone through with it?" Regina suddenly spoke out of nowhere, pulling Emma out of her thoughts and she turned her head to look at the brunette by her side with a slight frown on her forehead, taking a bite of her grilled cheese as she replied;
"What do you mean?"
"Well, we have just dealt with miss popsicle and ice powers senior and junior-edition and sent them back to their respective homes. Or, one of them is dead but she is still where she belongs. I guess..? You know what I mean." The older woman waved her gloved hand dismissively when Emma shot her a side glance before proceeding; "There hasn't really been much of an opportunity to actually talk about what happened during it all. I'm simply asking you how you are doing? You went through quite the ordeal, losing control over your powers and all."
"I'm fine Regina, really. We've dealt with it already, it's over. No need to talk about it."
"You know, you sure are stubborn and that's not exactly something that has passed anyone by. But you can also be a bit slow at times."
Emma's scowl deepened and she felt her posture straightening almost automatically, like it always did whenever she felt an argument coming along which unfortunately wasn't that uncommon whenever the former mayor was concerned. She replied with a lowered tone;
"Just get to the point, because it sounds to me like you lost it somewhere along the line of this fresh accusation of yours…"
"I want to know the other reason as to why you were about to give your magic to Gold."
"Except protecting Henry and the rest of you? I was out of control, I obviously had to do something!"
"And while that is always a more than sensible reason, I know it's not the whole truth. So what is it, miss Swan?"
Damn Regina and her sharp perception skills... Emma had to admit she hadn't expected a question like that but after years of having to speak for herself in tense situations, an answer slipped out seemingly of its own. She didn't even have to think twice about it and she swore sometimes it was as if her walls were talking FOR her, like in the moment they were currently in;
"Miss Swan, really? Haven't we been through too much by now for you to be that formal with me?" The blond replied with a deflecting tone of voice which of course didn't escape her neighbor on the bench who proceeded with some forced patience;
"That's right, we have been through too much. So why not be honest with one another? What's the real reason you wanted to give up your powers? Because it sounded on the un-Charmings like you were about to do it without batting an eye."
"Regina, you KNOW that I.. Hurt him. That I hurt Henry.. I couldn't possibly take that risk again."
"And as much as it's ALSO the truth, it's not the whole truth. I know when your walls are up, Emma. And I would like to talk to you, not to the wall please."
How did she DO that? Like she was looking right through her. Emma felt her jaw drop only slightly in mild astonishment. If there was something she still wasn't used to it was people seeing HER and not just the walls she put up to protect herself and as much as it was unnerving it was also.. Nice. In a way. However, tonight she simply wasn't in the mood of having someone picking her brain even if that someone was Regina and unfortunately she reacted like she always did whenever feeling backed into a corner;
"Well, since you apparently know me so well you should know by now that I don't respond too well to being pushed. If my walls bother you so much, why don't you bring it up with Archie?"
Regina merely pursed her lips with an aggravated look gracing her features, but for once chose not to respond. If the stubborn blond wanted to open up about it, she would and as much as it annoyed the former evil queen she decided to drop the matter and instead gave a sigh, proceeding with her task of gazing out over the harbor, the quiet sound of the water somewhat soothing her always busy mind.
Emma on her end sighed almost simultaneously as the other, playing with the paper wrapping of her sandwich simply to occupy herself while glancing down at her shoes briefly before she spoke again;
"I didn't believe.. I could be special like that." The sheriff paused and peeked over at the older woman who had once again turned her head to look at her, her dark eyes piercingly intense as they always were whenever she listened intently or when she was angry. Although Emma knew her well enough by now to be able to tell the difference and thankfully at the moment, it was the first expression. She continued, noticing the words pouring out from her as if it was something she had wanted to share with someone for a while without really being aware of it;
"My magic. Elsa helped me realize that I needed to embrace my powers in order to control them. Realize that they were a part of me. Well, embrace them AND myself. And I did, it's just.." She trailed off and looked over at her friend again as if not knowing how to proceed. The subtle nod followed by a small smile gave her the encouragement she needed and she took a breath before continuing;
"I remembered that for the longest time I didn't really believe I could be more than just Emma. A runaway. An orphan. And even though it wasn't the most fulfilling life, it was simple. I didn't have to worry about being the Savior, about snow monsters or time portals.. And when my magic spiraled, it was for a brief moment I wished that I could go back. To my old life. To be Emma before I was the Savior. Not just because my magic risked hurting the people I love, but also because magic is so.. Unique. Something amazing and well.. Magical I suppose. And that's not exactly what my life was like back then. I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes I forget I'm not that girl anymore. Who is ready to run in order to survive. Who is stronger on her OWN. Magic became my reminder of who I'm NOT anymore. And when I suddenly couldn't rely on it, couldn't TRUST it I wanted to get rid of it. I wanted to run. Like I have so many times in the past. I know it's stupid.."
Silence filled their little bubble once more as Emma awaited the dark haired woman's response. After a few breaths it came;
"Stupid to trust GOLD of all people to get rid of your magic for you, yes. Stupid to isolate yourself like Miss Popsicle in order to protect your loved ones, yes. Doing it all because you believed it to be the best you could do at the moment… Well, I'd say that's only human."
Surprised, Emma shifted her position a little so she could see the other better;
"Well that was.. Mild. For being you I mean. I guess I expected something more..-;
But she instantly stopped herself when she met Regina's frustrated gaze again, mentally kicking herself;
"..sorry. You were trying to be there for me. I appreciate it. Thank you."
Despite herself, Regina chuckled lightly;
"Well, I can't say I'm not used to it by now."
"To what?"
"Your petulance."
"Really?" Emma said with the disbelief evident in her tone; "You had to, didn't you…" But the blonde couldn't help the smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth, one that the former mayor reciprocated before the conversation proceeded, her facial expression turning serious once more;
"Listen. I know you hate to talk about your past and it sounds like it wasn't the most pleasant experience being in the system. You said you're not that girl anymore and that things are different now that you're the savior which is of course true. But Emma, whether you like it or not, that girl is still a part of you. Embracing who you are now is one thing but.. That girl you WAS kept you alive all those years. After all, she made you into the person you are today. And she is many things, besides the savior. She is a mother, a daughter, a sister.. And she's a friend. Maybe just maybe, it's time to embrace her as well who got you here in the first place."
Emma didn't have a response to that and remained silent while contemplating what Regina had just said. It was true, in a way she had wanted to cast the little Emma aside and forget that her past even happened at all. It would have been easier that way. And yet on the other hand, she had wanted to keep little Emma as a reminder of what life could suddenly throw at you and she had proven to be useful many times.. To be honest, she had felt conflicted about what to feel about her past all her life, standing on either one or the other leg in terms of it.. But accepting it completely? Being fully content and sure about who she was today, standing tall with BOTH her feet on the ground steady and stabile instead of in a running position like she was used to? To be actually ROOTED for the first time in her life… She hadn't really believed that to be possible.
But then again, she hadn't believed herself to be special either so yeah.. Sometimes life surprised you, the sheriff mused to herself before replying to her friend;
"What, are you saying that the Evil queen is someone who you wish to embrace?"
She had said it jokingly but then furrowed her brows in concern at the look on the brunette's face; Regina was staring ahead of herself without saying anything at first, her expression one of emptiness and on the verge of bitterness, almost. It was clear that bringing up the Queen was difficult on her, Emma knew. She had seen it many times after all and once again scolded herself internally. Tactfulness really wasn't on her side tonight.. But before she could apologize for the second time that night, Regina answered;
"She is still a part of me. I don't speak of it outloud, especially not to Henry. He wouldn't understand.. But yes. She is still there and I can feel her. Every day I feel her. Sometimes it's almost as if she wishes to claw her way out and wreak havoc in the way she used to."
"Then.. Maybe you should let her out. No no no, not like THAT." Emma quickly added upon witnessing Regina's disbelieving and slightly frightened look; "But just think about it for a minute. Has it ever turned out well whenever any of us have tried to suppress anything about ourselves? Like me with my magic, it's a natural part of me but when I got scared and therefore resisted it, that's when the worst happened and someone I love got caught in the crossfire. We think us lying to our closest ones is what's going to protect them and yet it keeps turning around biting us in the butt every single time we do that! I mean, I lied about Henry's dad and when he found out, he didn't want anything to do with me. Lying about who we are or fighting it never seems to be the answer, I've learned that now.." She glanced over at Regina who appeared to be listening intently, her eyes once again locked with the sheriffs; "What I'm saying is that.. Maybe denying that the queen is still a part of you is what keeps her there in the first place. Maybe you should do what you just told me; accept her. Maybe that's when your inner war will finally be over and you'll feel at peace with yourself.. And Regina?" She reached out her hand and gently squeezed the brunette's arm with a look of sympathy and warmth; "You if ANYONE deserves to feel at peace."
Regina, being temporarily speechless, looked at the other woman with widened eyes and lips slightly parted. She could feel a sharp remark on her tongue right on the verge of tumbling out like it always did and her own walls shoot up in defense but she stopped it in time to instead contemplate what her friend had just said. As always, she had a valid point and Regina could feel a flutter of hope in her chest but then dismissed it the same second; Emma had actually never SEEN the Queen in action and even though she had lately confided in the sheriff about some of the things she had done in her past in more detail, there were still a LOT that remained un-said and was probably best that way...
But then she felt it again, that exhausting pull of conflict within and the ex-mayer cursed internally. The truth was, she WANTED to come clear to Emma in regards to her past sins, it was almost like a well inside of her threatened to pour over the edge if she didn't. It felt important that the blond knew for reasons that she wasn't quite sure of yet. She'd never had a friend like Emma before or AT ALL more accurately and there was a piece of her soul who simply longed to be understood and accepted NOT just in her light when she was doing something good and heroic but in her darkness as well and when she was doing something.. Well, LESS good. Not in an extreme way perhaps but just something that was plain bad. She would even go as far as to say she missed it sometimes. Darkness had its perks and it was easy because it had become such a solid part of her that she didn't have to think about it, the actions just happened on their own. It had become her identity.
But EVERYONE kept saying it was bad and that villains never got their happy endings and darkness should be destroyed and onwards it went… But was it really that simple? Was darkness even meant to be destroyed in the first place? Didn't darkness and light actually NEED each other, in a way? Oh she was torn, alright..
And now she felt confused about her place in the world. She wasn't evil in the same way no, but was she entirely good? If anything Regina found herself on the scale of somewhere in between and she had to admit, it was messing with her head sometimes like as if she was standing on a wobbly log and had to constantly shift her position in order to keep her balance, either being on one side or the other without never actually being STILL nor content and the words the sheriff had uttered about peace felt like honey to her soul, but it also felt as unreachable as many other things.. She continued with a heavy sensation in her chest;
"I hear what you're saying Emma. And I want you to know I appreciate it. But even though you've said before that were alike.. In a way we are yes, but in another we very much aren't." For the first time in a while, the dark haired woman turned to look at the other with a stroke of bitterness in her tone; "You don't know half of the things I did as the Evil queen. And some things are probably for the best if you'll never learn them at all.. I've noticed I actually enjoy having you around from time to time and would like for it to remain that way. You're okay, Swan. Even though you can be both insufferably stubborn and petulant..."
Emma once again smirked at Regina's characteristic sharpness before she got lost in her thoughts and wondered what she could say in response. There were a lot of things she didn't know about Regina's past and she knew the older woman had her reasons to keep it hidden as well as she herself did with some things from her own past she was far from proud of. Although it didn't fall into the extreme category of murder and torture like it did for Regina, there were still things she had done she didnt exactly feel like sharing with her family. It wasn't exactly "savior material" and they wouldn't understand.. However Regina she COULD share with.. She if anyone would understand.
Emma decided right then and there she wouldn't push the other woman, but rather let things progress slowly and some day when she felt ready she would share about her own darkness and then perhaps, Regina would feel safer to open up about hers some more. Perhaps. She reached out again to grab the brunette's hand in her own in a comforting manner while stating with determination in her tone;
"Well, like you once said to me; it is far too messy to ever be that simple when it comes to good and evil. I guess we're all a bit screwed up in our own ways. And I won't pressure you. You tell me in your own time, okay?"
Regina gave a small smile in return and squeezed the sheriff's hand in a wordless gesture of gratitude before Emma added;
"And you should know I'm also not going anywhere. Your'e pretty much stuck with me, like it or not."
That earned the blond another chuckle from the ex-mayor before they let go of each other's hands and rose almost simultaneously with the intention of going back home. The cold was increasing after all and it was getting darker as well. They said their goodbyes and turn to go in separate directions but then Regina hindered herself in the step and called out after the sheriff's departing back;
"Oh and Emma? Thank you. For understanding."
"More than you know madam Mayer. More than you know."
"I'm not the mayor anymore."
"To me you are. Always will be. See ya Regina."
"Goodbye Miss Sw-Emma! Until next time."
"Until next time."