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Beatrice knows what it’s like to want things she can’t have.
When she was younger, she wanted so many things. A different life, different parents, different expectations. To be a different person entirely.
She quickly learned that just wanting things would never make them hers.
Now that she’s older, she still wants. But she’s learned to be practical, to be realistic about what she wants. The things she wanted as a child were too big, too abstract, to the point that they were all but impossible. As an adult, she wants much simpler things. Things she can achieve with enough time, dedication, and patience.
She wants to be skilled. To be useful. To be loved. And above all, to protect the people who love her, the people who she loves in return.
After years of tireless work, now that she is a Sister Warrior, she finally has what she wants. She is skilled, she is useful. She is loved.
But sometimes it isn’t enough. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how quick or strong she is, how many hours she spent practicing, or how badly she wants to keep them safe. She still fails.
Shannon still dies. And so does Mary.
Their deaths are reminders of the lesson she has been forced to learn over and over. Wanting things hurts. Either because she can't have them, or because as soon as she has them, she loses them.
She’s terrified when she realizes she wants Ava.
She knows she shouldn’t. Not like this. The way she wants Ava warps her judgment, ruins her training, and chips away at her faith. Everything she has ever built, the very foundations of who she is. She wants to let all of it go for her. For Ava.
But she can’t. She’s too afraid. Too weighed down by the guilt and shame that have always twisted through this kind of wanting.
She does her best to push it away. To shove it down and ignore it.
But it doesn’t work.
She wakes in the morning and sees Ava sleeping next to her, her face serene and her hair shimmering in the light streaming through the window behind her, so beautiful that it makes her chest ache, and she wants. She goes downstairs to the bar after spending the afternoon in the stockroom and Ava rushes over to meet her with a smile so radiant that it sends her head spinning, and she wants. She walks through town with Ava’s shoulder brushing against hers, her heart skipping a beat when Ava says she wants to go home to their apartment at the end of the day, and she wants. She sees Ava smile, hears Ava laugh, feels Ava take her hand, knows Ava is near, and she wants.
She wants and wants and wants.
She's never wanted anything the way she wants Ava.
But it turns out she was right about it clouding her judgment. She saves Ava, but at the cost of their mission. Of everything they're fighting for.
She knows that if they fall, so does the world.
But none of that makes her want any less.
Afterwards, Ava offers to run away with her. To return to the life she wants so desperately.
She knows it would be everything. Everything she wants, everything she has ever wanted. She wants it so much that she feels the ache of it all the way down to her bones.
But she’s still afraid. Afraid of what she would be running to just as much as what she would be running from.
She tells Ava she can’t.
The disappointment on Ava’s face crushes the breath from her lungs. But she can’t. No matter how much she wants to, she can’t.
It isn’t until they kiss that she understands Ava was hers all along.
And just like before, as soon as she has something she wants, she loses it.
She has to watch Ava sacrifice herself, cradle Ava as she bleeds out in her arms, listen helplessly as Ava tells her she won’t be able to heal this time.
In the end, they find a way to save her. Or at least give Ava a chance at surviving.
But it means that Beatrice doesn’t just lose her. She has to let her go.
All of this comes crashing down on her as she watches the portal close. Makes her gasp around a sob, makes her hands shake and tears burn in her eyes as Ava’s confession replays over and over in her head.
I love you.
Ava wanted her, too.
She thinks this might break her. She can feel herself crumbling as she sits in front of the Arc alone.
She wonders what the point is. Of wanting. When it has only ever brought her pain.
But then she realizes that it hasn’t. There has been pain, yes, but also so much more. Because in the end, she has gotten everything she wanted. She has a new life, a new family, a new set of expectations. She found them in ways she never could've imagined as a child, but they are hers. She is skilled, she is useful, and she is loved. She is surrounded by people who love her just as much as she loves them.
And she had Ava. In the midst of all this suffering and destruction, even with all the shame and guilt she had held inside for so long, she had Ava. She loved her. She loves her. And she wouldn’t give that up for anything, even if it meant avoiding this pain. She will never let go of that joy, of the life Ava fought so hard to give her.
And it turns out that she doesn’t need to wait until the next life to have everything she wants.
Ava comes back to her.
Beatrice's life changes again. She is still skilled and she is still useful, though she's learning to care about those things less and less. More importantly, she is still loved and loves in return. But she leaves the life and the family she spent so long building for a new one. One with Ava.
Because she still wants and wants and wants.
But there is no more shame, no more guilt. No more trying to ignore how she feels.
She's not afraid to want anymore.
She knows whatever grief comes with this life will be worth the love that fills it.