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“Riza, would you honor me by going on a proper date with me?”
She forced herself to relax her posture. She knew this would happen sooner or later. She had been meeting Michael casually for the last few weeks, since she met the Tech expert when he was assigned to fix the phone lines of their office after they were damaged during a forceful storm.
He was a nice man, considerate and educated. He had a dog too, a playful and fluffy golden retriever. That’s how the conversation started. After that, they had started to engage in small talk when they met around the quarters, and some of those meetings had turned into a quick cup of coffee together. Riza had enjoyed those moments. Since Michael wasn’t really a member of the military, but an engineer, she didn’t have to worry about ranks and she could take her mind off work and serious topics, just listening to his amusing retelling of his day and his pet’s antics.
She felt guilty at this moment, as she had selfishly encouraged their meetings to distract herself and have the opportunity to be a different version of herself, one who didn’t feel the weight of the world over her shoulders and an even heavier amount of guilt in her heart. It was harmless, she wanted to be just a woman for a few minutes each week, nothing more.
But as every nice thing, this also had to end.
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Riza returned to the office and found his Colonel staring through the window instead of finishing his work load. He didn’t greet her or ask about what had taken her so long. As she sat on her desk, she noted he had a plain view of the yard, where she had just been with Michael.
They had ended on good terms. They probably wouldn't meet for coffee again, but she still considered them colleagues.
She could’t rule out that the Colonel had watched their whole conversation from here. It was impossible for him to know what they had said, but he was observant and she had been by his side for years. He was more than capable of reading her body language and making his own conclusions.
She stared at his face, studying him. His expression was concealed, deep in thought, while he kept his gaze away.
Her own reports were waiting for her to complete them and sign them, but she couldn't focus with the tension in the room. Maybe not tension, something lighter, but colder too.
Something sad .
"You should have said yes."
Roy spoke, uncharacteristically soft. So he did in fact know about the conversation. Riza waited for him to add something more, but he didn't.
"I don't have time to date." She replied, measuring her words, as if a simple misstep could break the strange atmosphere surrounding them.
"Do I take too much of your time?"
"It's not that, Sir."
He nodded, but he was still facing the window, his mind somewhere too far away for her to reach him.
She stood up and approached him. Her eyes traveled over his features before ending on the same yard he was still observing attentively.
Her teeth found her lower lip. She knew she was walking on thin ice, but she couldn't leave that unsure expression on him.
"You don't take too much of my time, Sir." She said, "Not more than what I'm willing to give."
He changed the weight on his feet.
"Maybe I should ask for less, then."
Riza turned to him, frustration growing inside of her. She didn't know where he was trying to get with this conversation and she hated it.
"I thought you didn't like Michael, Sir."
"Is that why you rejected him?"
"No!"
She took a deep breath when she realized she had raised her voice. Only he could make her lose her temper so easily.
Why did it feel like he was trying to distance from her?
"I wouldn't have been able to make him happy." She admitted. "And he wouldn't have made me happy either."
"Anyone would be more than happy to have you."
It was not the first time he said something like that. He was a flirt, especially after a couple of drinks. She was used to his lighthearted compliments, knowing there were no real intentions behind them. They both knew better.
This time, though, the words carried none of the usual playfulness. It was a statement, like he was reciting one of the universal laws of alchemy. She had no room to retort.
"And you are right, I don't like him. I despise him, actually." He laughed, bitterly. "I haven't been good at hiding it, have I?"
No, he hadn’t. She had noticed from the first time the two men had met. It hadn't been planned, Michael had wanted to surprise her by offering to drive her home after work and he had found her when she was leaving the building with the Colonel. He had been polite, but his surprise had been obvious. Riza had refused, of course, she didn’t allow anyone in her home with the occasional exception of the Colonel. Yet, since that day, Roy had been regularly asking her about Michael, his mood dropping every time she confirmed she had spent time with him.
Not that Riza had any obligation to tell him about her personal life, but him being her boss was not the reason she had been reluctant to talk about her relationship with Michael. Neither were his moods.
She avoided it because it reminded her she didn't have any strong feelings for Michael, that her heart already belonged to another man, one she couldn't have.
One that was standing right next to her at that very moment.
"You haven't." She replied, tentatively, unsure of what could be the end goal of this conversation and if she was making it better. Or worse.
He ran his finger through his hair with a deep sigh, leaving it more disheveled than it already was after a long day of work.
“Are you mad at me?”
He finally directed his dark eyes to her, but it was no relief as she was faced with his disheartened gaze.
“No.” She furrowed her brows. “Why would I?”
Riza stared back at him, searching for answers.
The Colonel shook his head.
“You should. I’m mad at myself.”
Suddenly, the room seemed too big, as the couple of steps he took away from her felt like a hundred. As the distance to his desk, where he stood giving her his back, felt impossible to overcome.
“Later, I’m certain, I’m going to regret saying everything I’m about to say.” He sighed, his shoulders lowering even deeper. “But you deserve to hear it”.
“Colonel…”
He finally turned, rendering her speechless with the intensity irradiating from him.
“I’m sorry. I owe you an apology, because I failed you as your Commanding Officer, and most importantly, as your friend. Yes, I hate Michael. I shouldn’t have let you know that or allowed myself to have any judgment about him. You are completely free to choose how and with whom you spend your free time with, and I haven’t respected that.” He grinned, devoid of anything but sourness. “I’m so narcissistic… I don't have any right, but I kept putting myself in his shoes and thinking about everything I could do better than him. Yet, at the most important things, I fall short. He can actually be with you, spend quality time with you, give you presents, take you out. He wins."
“Roy…” Riza used his name, they were not the Colonel and the Lieutenant at this moment. She closed the distance with slow steps, wary of not triggering another self-deprecating speech from him. She wouldn’t be able to take it.
How could she explain without digging their own grave depper that there was no point in comparing himself? That to her, he was essential, irreplaceable, the most exceptional man she knew, and that no one but him could share their history, their trust, their relationship. Roy had his outbursts, but she knew that if the time came when she fell in love with another person, he would protect her happiness above all. She was not at that point, though, and she doubted she would ever be.
However, Roy didn’t give her any time to find her words. As soon as his outburst ended, regret took over his features. Tears pooled in her eyes at the anguish of his expression. He shook his head, he was not going to accept being the one comforted. She stood holding herself as Roy grabbed his things with a muttered apology and rushed out of the office.
He should know… Surely, he knew that she would choose him time and time again. That she regretted plenty of things, but not them. That for her, he would always win.
He knew, right?