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| Long, handwritten note deep in your pocket. |
Louis shoves the paper into his pocket, probably crinkling it beyond belief. But he can't lose it. He has to stop Harry before he leaves.
| I stood right by the tracks, your face in a locket. |
The train is coming. It's supposed to be, anyway. Harry stands by the platform, thinking maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if he fell off. He wouldn't regret it.
The necklace is tight in his grasp. He thinks he's going to drop it when the train comes. Fuck Louis, right? Well, he won't be doing that anymore.
| We had a beautiful magic love there. |
If someone were to ask Harry how it all fell apart, he would say that he doesn't know. Truthfully, he doesn't. He can't remember the last time he and Louis were completely, unconditionally happy.
Louis hasn't been happy and in love. Harry has noticed. The problem with that is that Harry is still completely, head over heels in love. So he figures that leaving is his best option.
| In dreams, I meet you in warm conversation. |
Louis remembers his last night with Harry, before he was moved to leave. They were tangled up in bed at two in the morning talking about things that weren't even important. When Louis fell asleep he had a dream that everything was good. Everything was great between him and Harry. Louis still loved him.
Walking to to train station, Louis has made up his mind.
| You've got your demons and darling they all look like me. |
Louis left because he's mad. Louis will come back. That's what Harry was telling himself when he woke up and found Louis gone. Harry figured that Louis left because he'd done something wrong. He didn't realize Louis'd fallen out of love.
In retrospect, he could have seen it coming. Louis wasn't the same. Partying and smoking and drinking. Harry assumed that Louis was just living that young-twenties life. Honestly, he could see the little ways Louis had changed. Common things between the two were a chore. Sex, cuddling, cooking together. It wasn't the same. Louis never said I Love You when Harry did. He would just hum.
So, yeah, Harry should have seen this coming.
But it's not his fault everything he sees and everything he does is Louis. It's all Louis. Harry does see shades of color but rather sees Louis.
-
When Louis gets to the train station there's nobody there. It's empty. Just one person standing near the edge of the platform. Harry.
Distance, timing, breakdown, fighting.
The fights were explosive. Harry remembers them all. They were about petty things. Louis could get so mad when he wanted to. Unfortunately Harry can do the same thing.
Nights were spent sealed away in separate rooms.
Harry's about to drop the necklace when he hears it. Louis. Saying his name. No, he's imagining it. Right?
| Silence, this train runs off its tracks. |
Harry turns, looking over at Louis. He doesn't say anything. The train is roaring in the distance, getting closer and closer.
"I wrote this," Louis says shakily, taking the paper out of his pocket. "You can read it or I can tell you what's on it." he says, offering the paper out to Harry.
Harry doesn't move.
Louis exhales. "Fine. It goes like this," he meets Harry's gaze. "Harry. My Harry. You've been my Harry since we met when you were sixteen. And ever since that day I've been afraid. Terrified. I can't even tell you how many times I've drunkenly cried to Zayn and ruined his shirts because of it. Because I am not what you need. For the last five years I've just been bracing myself for the moment everything hits a standstill. You scare me. Because I didn't know when you were going to want out. It didn't make sense for you to fall in love with someone like me. I tattoo my arms up and get high and get drunk and throw things when I get mad. It doesn't make sense for you to love me, at all.
"So I counted everything. And I cherished it and I held it close. I counted all of our years, months, days, hours, minutes. I counted the fucking seconds I had with you, Haz. And I held on tight. I knew we weren't going to last. We were practically built to fall apart. When I met you you were still young and full of life and had dreams and ambitions while meanwhile I'd settled into a bottomless pit of boring. You came in and swept me into this whirlwind. How can someone with a heart like yours love someone with a heart like mine?"
Harry doesn't say anything.
"Walking out on you was the stupidest thing I've ever done. And, I'll admit, I did it because I was scared. I don't have a problem admitting that. Every single day for the past five years I've walked around terrified that I'd lose you. I met you New Years in 2010 at that party and I fell in love with you. We started dating three days later. Three days, Harry. That's one thousand, eight hundred twenty-two (1,822) days that we've been together for, up until the day I left. It would be 1,834. But I left. I was still scared for those days, though. That's 1,834 days exactly that I've been terrified of losing you. I've always had that fear. Zayn tried convincing me otherwise, my mum tried convincing my otherwise. Fuck, your mum tried. But it was always in the back of my ind. Maybe you'll find someone better, find someone that can actually be there more than I can since I'm fucking working all the time. That's when I started falling out of love, when I realized that you could be falling in love with someone else."
| kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen? |
"Louis, stop. Stop." Harry begs.
"No, Harry! Fuck, I'm not stopping. There's more to that letter, d'you wanna hear it?"
Harry goes to protest, but Louis shakes his head. "I'm going to keep going." he says.
"I woke up today," Louis pauses, "wrote this three days ago, by the way."
Harry doesn't say anything.
"I woke up today and I realized what a fucking idiot I am for walking out on you. 1,822 days worrying that you were going to walk out on me and I was the one who walked out on you. That's the biggest mistake I've ever made. You're my everything, Harry. I can't lose you."
| hang up, give up, for the life of us we can't get back... |
"You already did," Harry says, watching the train pull up in front of the platform. "You said it yourself. You fell out of love."
Six Months Later.
When Harry knocks on the door of where he's pretty sure Louis is still living, he's not sure what he expects.
He certainly didn't expect Louis to open the door wearing only sweatpants and his black rimmed glasses. Louis wasn't expecting Harry there either.
"Oh, are you..." Harry goes to turn away.
"No, I'm not doing anything. Just work, like always. What, um, what do you need?"
Harry hands Louis the envelope. "I wrote this for you."
Louis stares at the envelope in his hand. "What is it?"
"It's for you."
Louis swallows hard. "Oh."
"Y'can open it."
Louis nods, tearing into the envelope.
Louis,
It's been six months and I'm not the same. I've been writing music and preparing to tour but I'm just not the same. I know you're really making it with your label. By this time next year you'll probably be sitting on a pile of money, Lou.
I would like to think that you still think about me. I like to think you haven't forgotten. When someone says my name I hope your heart picks up and you still taste me on your tongue. I hope sometimes you hear my favourite song and stop to listen. I hope I'm not the only one of us going back in time to relive what we had.
Louis finishes reading and looks up at Harry again.
"That day at the train I was stupid. You were there wearing your best apology and I watched you walk away. Again. I can't live without you, either. All the songs I'm writing are angsty and heartbreaking because you're gone. I compare my old songs to my new songs and the difference is you. I need you, Louis. I can't keep walking around like this."
"You deserve somebody who cares about you," Louis whispers.
Harry's pretty sure his heart falls out his ass. "And you don't?"
Louis doesn't reply.
"Because I want you. All my life I've been striving to make other people happy. But whenever I do they just leave. I want you. I don't want you to leave."
"That's all I'm good at."
Harry swallows. "I want you back. What we had was so amazing. 1,822 days of pure bliss. It was beautiful and magic and loving and adventurous and risky and it slipped through our fingers like sand. It was beautiful and I don't want to give it up. I don't want-"
Louis cuts him off by tugging him into the house and kissing him. Kisses him senseless.
After a couple minutes of lip-bruising kisses, Harry hums into Louis. "Mhm. So, does this... What're you..." he tries to get out between kisses.
"We may be tragic but we're still beautiful, and we're not finished being beautiful."