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Akarsha sighs for the umpteenth time that day, making her way up to her bedroom with Noelle in tow. Normally she'd be ecstatic about being able to hang out alone together, even if only for the few hours they could justify as "studying" to Noelle's mother, but today was another matter.
All day Noelle had been poking at her, trying to figure out why she’d been just a tiny bit quieter than usual. Honestly, she didn’t really see what the big deal was. Everyone has off days, don’t they?
Noelle carefully sets her bag down near the bed, sighing. “Something’s wrong. I know it is.” There she goes again.
“I’m fiiiiiine~ You’re overreacting, dude. It’s not the end of the world just because I was a little more tame than usual today.” She sits on the bed, kicking her feet absentmindedly. Noelle follows, sitting just a bit closer than usual, but enough to catch Akarsha off guard.
“Akarsha. I’m serious. In all of the time we’ve known each other I’ve not had a single moment of peace. And yet today there were no pranks, no quips, no inappropriate comments, nothing. You didn't even laugh at that atrocious fart joke Min made during lunch-”
“Ok, that one was actually really funny. If I hadn’t been so busy wallowing in my self pity I totally would’ve-”
“See! Something is wrong. And you aren't acting like your normal self.” She crosses her arms, pouting.
“Wowww, so I mess with you and I get yelled at and I don’t mess with you and you get worried. I just can't seem to win with you, Frenchman.” Akarsha shrugs and shakes her head. Playing dumb has always been her strong suit after all, Noelle will drop it soon enough.
“Akarsha. Seriously, what’s wrong? Please.” Or maybe not.
After a beat Noelle reaches over and places her hand gently on hers. Akarsha can't help but jump a little at the contact but she doesn't move away.
Instead she looks between their hands and the other girl’s eyes. Noelle is staring at her so earnestly, so concerned, and yet here she is being upset over something so stupid. Something that shouldn’t even matter.
She decides to focus on their hands again to avoid her gaze. Maybe….maybe just getting it over with and telling Noelle would get her to drop it.
“Ugh, fine ok. It’s Min and Diya. And how cute they are together.” Akarsha grumbled, her leg bouncing faster. She really didn’t want to be having this conversation with anyone. Least of all with her long time best friend/crush of four years. But Noelle clearly didn't seem to have any plans of letting her banter her way out of it.
“What?”
"I dunno man, sometimes it's so hard looking at them just-" She exhales dramatically, throwing herself back onto the bed "just be so happy and in love, you know?" Her hand was still under Noelle’s and she couldn’t decide if that was a blessing or a curse. It was surprisingly warm though given Noelle's usually poor circulation.
Said girl stares back quizzically, tilting her head. "I'm still not following. You mean to say that it makes you upset to see our friends be…what, happy together?"
Akarsha groans, "No, no. That's not it at all. What I mean is like, here I am maidenless and there those two are flaunting their unconditional love for everyone to see. That's not fair! I want that."
“Maidenless?” Noelle whispers to herself, twisting her face in disgust.
“And not even in public or anything either! I just want to be able to be affectionate with someone and have it be reciprocated. Have my feelings be reciprocated…but whatever, I guess I’m not exactly built for that. To be liked in that way.” Her voice falters at the end. Maybe she shouldn’t talk about this after all. Maybe it’s not too late to make a joke and change the subject-
Noelle’s grip tightens on her hand, forcing her gaze to meet hers. “What do you mean ‘not built to be liked like that’? Are you saying you think you aren’t likable?”
Noelle’s eyes manage to be a mix of …indignation? Hurt. And a little bit of something else Akarsha can’t quite put her finger on.
“...I mean, yeah. Dude, where have you been for the past few years? I haven’t exactly got people lined up for my hand in marriage. I couldn’t even get a date to homecoming last year. Or the year before that. Or the year before that. OR the year before that-
“We weren’t even in high school then. Also, that’s hardly a quantifiable way to measure being ‘likable’.”
“My point still stands! Everyone around me has already dated someone, kissed someone, even been confessed to at least! I don’t even have that to go off of.” She brings her free arm up over her eyes and sighs. So much for changing the subject.
“I haven’t experienced any of those things either. Unless you count that accidental kiss with Diya when we were young.” Even with her sight blocked she can feel Noelle’s concerned gaze still on her.
“Well I do. Because at least it’s something. I don’t even have that, an accident.” With another deep sigh Akarsha pushes herself up off of the bed. This talk was exhausting and Noelle in particular feeling sorry for her and trying to comfort her was starting to hurt even more than the original problem. She needs to find something to change the subject.
She looks around her room, searching for anything of interest. Then she spots it out of the corner of her eye, still in the box but just begging to be brought into the spotlight. A convenient (and fun) solution to her problem.
“But whatever, none of that stuff even really matters anyway. But you know what does? My new star projector. Check this shit out.” She walks hurriedly over to her bedside drawer, bringing it out, plugging in the device, and flipping the switch before Noelle can protest.
“You’re trying to change the subject again-”
“Nope, too late, already turning off the lights. Come on, Frenchman. Let’s lay down and look at the stars together~” She walks back to her bed and pulls Noelle down with her. They land awkwardly but more or less next to each other, Noelle having to adjust herself (with a blush) to be properly situated.
“Wow, the stars sure look beautiful tonight, babe.” Akarsha reaches over and pulls Noelle’s arm around her shoulders, cuddling in closer. She looks towards Noelle and grins, waiting for her to chastise her on the use of ‘babe’ and pull away. Maybe even a thorough rebuttal on how the ‘stars tonight’ were just a colorful projection from a cheap piece of plastic and therefore not comparable to the real night sky.
But she doesn’t.
“Yes, I suppose they are quite nice to look at.” She turns her head to face her, either completely ignoring or otherwise not noticing how close it brings their faces together.
Almost instantly Akarsha feels her face burn, even if Noelle obviously doesn't share the same feelings she does, she could at the very least try to be considerate of not sending her into cardiac arrest.
But then she notices it, Noelle had that bothersome look in her eyes again. Wasn’t it enough to have explained what was wrong? Why did they have to keep talking about it? She really wishes she would just let it go already.
“You know, if you can just decide to change the subject on a whim, then so can I. I really think we should talk about this. Akarsha, you aren’t unlikeable, you’re-” Alarm bells rang in her head, she really didn’t want to hear this. Not out of pity. Not from Noelle.
“Listen, I don’t really wanna talk about this anymore. You don’t have to feel bad for me or reassure me or anything, it is what it is and I’ve accepted that-” Noelle gently places a hand on her cheek, interrupting her.
“Hey. It is not fair to assume that I’m saying this because I feel bad for you. I meant what I said and I have more to say with it.” Akarsha can only stare, searching Noelle’s eyes. Half of her wants to hear what she has to say, but half of her is still scared of being proven right and watching Noelle flounder trying to come up with reasons she could be even a little bit likable.
She decides to stay quiet and let Noelle continue.
“Back when I said I haven't known peace since the day I met you- that’s one of the best things that could have ever happened to me in my life.”
Akarsha scoffs, “Then you’ve must’ve lived a pretty sad life-”
“I had, actually. Everyday it was the exact same routine, over and over. Wake up, go to school, come home, study, sleep. No changes, no spontaneity, certainly no fun, nothing. I, of course, enjoyed the limited time I was permitted to spend with Diya, but more often than not it was just me, my books, and the overbearing pressure of being the perfect child.”
She finds herself unsure of what to say, so she doesn’t say anything, only stares.
“Then you come into the picture. Suddenly, everyday is something new, usually each day more horrifying than the last, but new and fun all the same. Much as I often try to deny it, your sense of humor is something I really enjoy about you. Your endless amount of excuses for anything that doesn't go your way never ceases to amaze me and your tenacity for ‘keeping the bit going’ has on more than one occasion made it very difficult to pretend I wasn’t fighting hard to hold in my laughter.”
She feels her face warm and her heart flutter alongside her stomach. Man, she seriously wasn’t getting a break today.
“Oh man, uh. Thanks, Noelle. I really, really appreciate that. Seriously, it means a lot to me. But, well…” It did mean a lot to her. But…
“...Being a clown doesn’t exactly make me the type of person anyone would get a crush on. You’re right that it mmmm probably makes me likable in terms of making friends, and I mean! Don’t get me wrong! I love my friends! You guys mean the world to me. I wouldn’t trade the time we spend together for anything. Not even for a matching pair of Shadow the Hedgehog socks!”
Noelle’s face seemingly goes through a flurry of emotions at that sentence, from disappointed to touched to back to disappointed in a different way that Akarsha chooses to ignore and continue.
“But the fact of the matter is, everyone keeps the clown around for laughs and entertainment.
Not because they’d ever choose to love them. Not romantically at least.” She finishes quietly, voice hardly above a whisper.
“...Akarsha, I-” Noelle looks down, eyebrows knit together. She looks deep in thought, not that Akarsha blamed her. It’s hard to argue against the truth. Even if all she wants is to be proven wrong.
“I don’t think that’s true. In the first place, I had more to say regarding things that I personally …l-like about you. Let alone what others may also have to say as a testament to your… charms.”
“You totally struggled to say that.”
“Yes. I did. But likely not for the reasons you’re telling yourself I did.” Noelle grumbles, had her face been this red the entire time?
“Ok, so then for what 'reasons' are you so clearly struggling to-”
“Secondly, “ Noelle continues, pointedly talking over Akarsha.
“I think you’re making a big assumption in thinking that someone wouldn’t want to spend their life together with a circus clown if they just so happened to make their partner happy. I already told you how monotonous my life was before you. I wouldn’t want to go back to that.”
Akarsha’s eyes widen but she quickly shakes her head. Noelle was just trying to be supportive and express how much Akarsha meant to her. That’s all it was. She can’t keep reading too much into these things and giving herself false hope again. She needs to get a hold of herself and try not to look too affected.
Luckily Noelle seems to be far too invested in her own tangent to notice Akarsha’s distress and keeps going.
“What if I want to date a stupid little clown who thinks the pinnacle of humor is to say the word ‘balls’ every third word.” Wait. What. That definitely couldn't be misconstrued, right?
“What if I actually find that really endearing? What if I’m the clown for feeling this way? But what if-what if regardless, I wouldn’t settle for anything less? Am I… ranting right now? I’m ranting. Why is my arm still around you, I just noticed that. Why am I still talking? I need to stop talking now.”
Akarsha can't quite seem to make herself process whatever it is Noelle is in the middle of saying. Her mind just can’t make it past ‘what if I want to date a stupid little clown’.
“A-anyway, the point is that, clown or not, you are definitely someone that is likable. In all connotations of the-”
“Wait, wait, wait. Hold up. Did you just indirectly say you wanted to go out with me?” She suddenly becomes hyper aware of the lack of distance between them, more specifically their faces as they lay cuddled up close together, Noelle’s arm still, in fact, very much around her shoulder.
“No, I said it directly you stupid little clown.” Noelle can’t help but snap back on instinct before quickly slapping her free hand over her mouth.
“Wait. For real???” Akarsha leaned in even closer, eyes sparkling.
“Um.” Noelle couldn’t help but look away from the intense gaze. “Yes, I suppose I did say that.”
“Kiss me and prove it.” Akarsha whispers, hopeful.
“Why? What would that even prove?” Noelle nervously turns her head away, clearly hoping that that somehow manages to hide the burning in her cheeks from the other girl.
“Mmm,” Akarsha deflates, slowly pulling away back to her side of the bed. “Well if you don’t want to, that's fine. I was just kind of hoping that you saying that stuff might mean you like me. I must’ve read the vibes wrong, haha…”
She somehow manages to sound even more hurt than she did at the beginning of the conversation, much as she tries to hide it with a half-hearted smile. With any luck (which she really seems to not be having today) Noelle won’t notice though, or at least attribute it to something else. Rejection doesn’t get any easier the second time, huh?
“You didn’t read the situation wrong!” Noelle panics, face somehow even redder than before.
“Akarsha, you didn’t read the situation wrong. It's just -" She reaches over and cups her cheek, bringing their heads closer together to gently bump foreheads.
"It's just that it's a little embarrassing… But…" Akarsha follows her eyes as they briefly glance down at her lips before meeting hers again. "But I do really like you. A lot."
"O-oh."
Their eyes remain fixed to each other, neither daring to make a move for a few seconds. Then Akarsha's gaze betrays her and follows the same pattern Noelle's had down to her lips then back up.
This seems to be all the reassurance the other girl needs as she slowly leans in. "Are you sure this is ok?"
"Y-yeah. Super sure." Akarsha meets her in the middle, lips almost ghosting over each other's.
"Ok." They gently cross the remaining distance, holding the peck for a few seconds before slowly pulling away.
Noelle opens her eyes and smiles softly back at her. "So, is that a yes to going out with me, my stupid little clown?"
Akarsha grins back. "Only if I get to say 'balls' every third word."
Maybe talking about her feelings wasn't so bad after all.