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Spencer was exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, every-single-ly-in the book. They had two cases back to back, one was just a typically out of state serial killer, and the other? A federal emergency with military involvement. Spencer was starting to lose track of time. He honestly was having trouble remembering when he last properly slept. The cases were finished, thankfully. But not without some ugly things being dug up from the past and thrown in their faces.
Spencer was very forcefully reminded of his previous addiction by the military UnSub who knew a little too much about all of them, and went down screaming about how he wasn’t fucked up, the rest of them were. While Spencer knew he was going through a mental break and really wasn’t going through what he was thinking, it stabbed a little too close, and now he can’t rest.
The reminder dug up the grave of urges Spencer had been fighting to keep buried.
And it didn’t help that his mother was slowly getting worse. He got the call right after Kolton Madison, the military UnSub, had been shot down.
So, the last month was a lot, and Spencer was alone in his apartment, other than Galaxy of course, sitting on the couch and staring at the window. Galaxy, who Spencer nicknamed Galx, hopping up onto his lap, nuzzling into him. Automatically, Spencer ran a hand through her slick fur. Through the months, her hair went from fluffed up to more slicked down, and he blinked slowly, processing.
His skin itched, he could feel the tension in his jaw. He had never been a nail biter, but there was something relieving as he bit down his pinky nail to a stub, face screwing at the small pinch when he dug a bit too deep with his teeth. He sighed, running a hand through his hair, tugging at the messy strands.
Galaxy barked as there was a knock at his apartment door, and she hopped off of him to waddle over to it, jumping on the frame. “Down,” Spencer said softly, grabbing her harness and putting all four on the floor again. He looked through the peephole, sighing softly when he noticed it was Aaron. Unlocking the door, he opened it.
“Don’t we have, like, five days off?” Spencer asked, he was teasing, but he knew he just sounded tired.
“Yes, we do,” Aaron said, and very clearly it wasn’t a work call. Aaron was in the most comfortable clothes he could’ve been, a t-shirt and low sweatpants that would’ve made Spencer sweat if his head were screwed on straight.
When did he start seeing Aaron like that? Sometime during his broken knee, probably.
“This is a house call, then?” Spencer asked, stepping back to let Aaron in.
“Better than a booty call,” Aaron joked, kneeling to pet an excited Galaxy, her tail wagging a million miles an hour as she tried to lick all over Aaron’s face. “Hi Princess,” He chuckled, before standing properly. “Are you alright?”
“As good as I can be,” Spencer said, sitting back down on the couch. “There are drinks in the fridge. Water, wine, seltzer, beer, soda, juice,” Spencer mumbled, petting Gal as she hopped back on the couch and onto his lap.
“Since when do you drink seltzer’s?” Aaron asked, grabbing two bottles of water for them before moving to sit on the other side of Gal.
“Only the Skyline Strawberry,” Spencer said, accepting the water. “Where’s Jack?”
“He and Henry went to Cole’s house for the weekend,” Aaron explained, and Spencer nodded. “How bad is it?”
“How bad is what?” Spencer asked, clearly faking it.
“Spencer,” Aaron was gentle, but that sternness of being Spender superior was cracking through.
“I haven’t given in,” Spencer reminded, opening the water. “My skin is itchy, though. I keep biting my nails. I’ve tugged some of my hair out. I can’t sleep, I can’t shower, I can’t do anything but sit here with her,” His voice cracked and he took a sip of the water. “TV’s too loud, the house is too silent, my head is pounding- I don’t know what to do.”
“You should’ve called me,” Aaron whispered, his hand hovering right behind Spencer’s head, and the genius leaned back to feel the touch, Aaron’s hand rested knowing it had permission.
“I’m not the only one struggling. We were all targeted,” Spencer whispered. “He had no right to talk about Haley like that.”
Aaron sighed, nodding slowly. “No, no he didn’t. He didn’t have any right to talk to any of us like that. But yours is different, Spencer.”
“Cause I’m an addict,” He whispered. “The risk is there. The urge.”
Aaron couldn’t even sugarcoat it. “Yeah, it is there. But you’re stronger than it, I know you are.”
“My mom is dying, Aaron,” Spencer whispered, staring straight ahead. “Every day, she deteriorates more, and more, and more, and I can’t help her.”
“Spence,” Aaron whispered, watching Spencer choke back a sob.
“I don’t know how to live without her,” Spencer whispered. “I mean- I do . But I always have something coming from her. A letter. A call. I can visit her.”
“I thought the new medicine was helping,” Aaron whispered.
“It made the hallucinations worse so they had to take her off of it,” Spencer explained. “She got extremely violent one night, not even I could calm her. They restrained her.”
“Fuck,” Aaron whispered, and Spencer nodded. “I don’t-“
“I don’t want to think about it,” Spencer admitted softly. “But I don’t know how to not think about it. Goddamnit—“
They fell quiet for a moment. But an idea sparked in Aaron’s mind. “Let’s take your mind off of it, then.”
“How? Do you remember who I am, Aaron?” Spencer asked, glancing at him.
“Yep,” Aaron said. “C’mon, let’s start by washing your hair.”
“I said shower’s were overwhelming,” Spencer whispered.
“That’s why you’re not gonna take a shower,” Aaron said. “C’mon, up.”
“Aaron—“ Spencer tried again.
“Stand, or I make you stand,” Aaron said as he stood, and Spencer sighed before eventually accepting the hand to stand, Gal hopping off the couch as Aaron let Spencer to the bathroom.
“Aaron, seriously, I’m not Jack you don’t need to—“ Spencer tried, but Aaron wasn’t listening.
“I know you’re not Jack. I used to do this to Haley when she got overwhelmed, it helps,” Aaron promised. “Sit against the tub, grab a pillow if you’re more comfortable.”
Something about the way Aaron mentioned Haley made Spencer lighten up, and he stepped out for a moment, grabbing a throw pillow and a towel, stepping back in and tossing the towel over the door, dropping the pillow, stripping off his shirt and pressing his warm skin against the cool porcelain.
“Test,” Aaron said, and Spencer reached up to feel the water.
“Surprisingly perfect,” Spencer said, and Aaron chuckled before wetting Spencer’s hair carefully.
At first it was uncomfortable, and Aaron could tell with the way Spencer’s hands were stimming and picking, but once the water was moved and Aaron took over with the first round of shampoo, more focused on massaging Spencer’s scalp than anything, he noticed Spencer calmed down significantly. Galaxy laid next to the door, watching them with something Aaron could only call a loving gaze as Spencer completely relaxed into Aaron’s hands.
“I don’t understand,” Spencer whispered after a while, and Aaron hummed with interest. “I hate people touching my hair, it’s why I struggle to get haircuts. But… I’ve never had that problem with you.”
“Guess I’m special,” Aaron chuckled.
“Yeah,” Spencer said with a gentle sigh. “Guess so. You do a lot of things I wouldn’t typically be comfortable with.”
“Like what?” Aaron asked.
“Staring,” Spencer whispered. “You stare, a lot. And a lot of it’s at me. I tend to glare at those who stare at me, I’ve gotten used to a team when I’m presenting a profile, or when I’m rambling, but if Derek’s staring at me while I’m working I’ll either glare or I’ll say something that’ll either embarrass him enough to get him to look away or blunt enough to make him uncomfortable.”
“Is that why you used to glare at me when we first started working together?” Aaron asked, as Spencer nodded.
“I don’t know when I got used to it,” Spencer whispered. “Or the touching, the small touches you do when we’re alone. The team in general likes to just… touch. And I can play it off, but sometimes it’s annoying. Never with you, though. Or Penny.”
“That woman has her ways,” Aaron agreed, grabbing the shower head to rise the shampoo, this time Spencer didn’t react much more than a small jump, Aaron made a mental note to warn him. “Anything else that makes me special?”
“Showing up randomly,” Spencer said. “That goes both ways now, though.”
“Yes, it does,” Aaron chuckled as he watched the suds and the dirt was away. He went in for a second round of shampoo.
“I don’t know, you’re just… safe,” Spencer whispered, and Aaron smiled, staring at Spencer, just as he’d described, as the genius opened his eyes.
“I’m glad I could be safe for you,” Aaron whispered, and Spencer smiled, small and delicate before his eyes shut again. “Water’s coming back,” Aaron said as he finished the second round.
Spencer didn’t jump this time.
By the time they were done with Spencer’s hair, the genius seemed more calm than before, and Aaron sat on the floor with him to dry his hair for him.
“I can do it,” Spencer insisted, but Aaron just shushed him.
“For once, Spencer, let someone else take care of you,” Aaron whispered, his hand dropping from his hair to cup Spencer’s face.
“I don’t know how,” Spencer admitted softly, leaning into the touch.
“Then let me show you,” Aaron said, “You don’t always have to be your own rock.”
Aaron returned to towel drying Spencer’s hair before helping him stand and walking him into his bedroom. Aaron allowed him to change in peace, and while Spencer was doing that, he cleaned up the bathroom from the water that’s sprayed everywhere. Once that was done, he moved to the living room to clean up the garbage that Spencer had been too stressed to think about properly disposing of, stacking the few dishes the man had, and getting Galaxy’s dinner ready.
Spencer stepped back out as Aaron was prepping Galaxy’s meal. Spencer had her on a healthy meat diet with good kibble, and he taught Aaron over the months that Galaxy had been in their lives. Spencer carefully leaned against Aaron, just needing support.
“Have you eaten?” Aaron asked, and Spencer shook his head. “Do you want something easy or not?”
“Easy,” Spencer whispered.
“How about soup? Chicken, tomato with grilled cheese, cheesy broccoli with ham chunks?” Aaron tried giving him choices.
“Can you pick? I like all of those,” Spencer asked.
“Do you have the energy to chew something like toast?” Aaron asked.
“Eh, not really,” Spencer mumbled, and Aaron nodded.
“What have you eaten today?” Aaron asked, but Spencer said silent, which told Aaron everything. “We’ll do the broccoli cheddar and ham.”
“I don’t really have anything here,” Spencer mumbled.
“Then I’ll get the groceries for it,” Aaron said softly.
“But then you’re leaving,” He mumbled.
“I’ll order it,” Aaron said, turning to face Spencer completely, letting Galaxy’s food soak for a moment as he wrapped Spencer in a hug. “How’re you feelin?”
“Exhausted, still, but not as overstimulated now that my hair is clean,” Spencer admitted.
“Good, go rest while I take care of dinner,” Aaron whispered, accidentally kissing the top of Spencer’s head.
Spencer simply mumbled something and moved to return to his place on the couch while Aaron set Galaxy’s bowl down for her to start chowing down. He ordered the stuff for dinner and started to clean up stuff as well.
“I can clean,” Spencer said, now standing back at the island countertop.
“I’ve got it,” Aaron promised.
“It’s my mess-“
“I said I got it,” Aaron said, his tone firming. However, by doing that, something clicked in Spencer’s head.
“What he said hurt more than you’re telling me,” Spencer whispered, and Aaron glanced at him. “You’re acting like a guilty husband.”
“How am I-“
“Came over late, immediately started taking care of everything around the house, including me. You’re not letting me do a damn thing,” Spencer cut him off. “You washed my hair because you knew I was stressed.”
“I care about you,” Aaron reasoned. “And you’re struggling.”
“So are you,” Spencer whispered, moving and standing in front of Aaron. “And, you kissed my head.”
“That- that was an accident, I wasn’t thinking,” Aaron whispered, watching Spencer glide himself onto the countertop with one swift movement.
“Jack told me you don’t use the candle to talk to Haley anymore,” Spencer whispered, crossing his arms.
“He hasn't asked.”
“Or maybe you haven’t offered?”
“Spencer,” Aaron’s voice was a warning.
“Put the walls down,” Spencer said, boarderlining a demand. “You don’t get to walk into my home and have these walls up, not if you want mine down. At work, you’re my superior. At home, you’re my equal.”
Aaron stared at him for a moment, unblinking, before sighing and leaning against the counter with his arms crossed. “Okay,” he whispered. “Yes, Madison’s words hurt. Reminding me of how I failed my marriage doesn’t feel good, Spencer.”
“You didn’t fail anything,” Spencer disagreed.
“Yes I did, I chose work over my family. Repeatedly,” Aaron whispered.
“Maybe I’m biased,” Spencer whispered, but didn’t elaborate. “Was he right? About what she did?”
“What? The affair?” Aaron asked, and Spencer nodded. “I had my suspicions, but I couldn’t prove it. I didn’t pry, I didn’t want to.”
“Then, to me, you didn’t fail anything,” Spencer whispered. “Even if it hurts, through arguments, fights… nothing excuses affairs or cheating. I don’t think the marriage didn’t work because either one of you failed. I think… you both just… were too different. But, that’s not my place, so-“
“Sounds personal,” Aaron commented. “Something happened with a past partner?”
“Now who’s pushin?” Spencer asked with a small smile. “Yeah, my ex boyfriend, my first boyfriend.”
“Really?”
“Mhm, Ethan. Remember I mentioned him in our New Orleans case with Gideon?” Spencer asked, and Aaron nodded. “Yeah, I caught him with another guy. In my bed.”
Aaron winced, “Damn, and you still visited him?”
“You still love Haley, dontcha?” Spencer asked, and Aaron nodded as he realized the point. “Haley was your first love, Ethan was mine.”
“Do you still talk to him?” Aaron asked.
“From time to time we’ll check up on each other,” Spencer nodded. “After he found out about my addiction, he checked up on me more. He helped after I got clean, I started…” he sighed. “As a way to cope with the trauma and urges I had unhealthy coping mechanisms, and he helped break me if those as well.”
“Other addictions?” Aaron asked.
“More physical,” Spencer whispered. “I’d intentionally hurt myself, whether it be something that draws blood or not. Hot showers, so hot it could’ve burned my skin badly, I’d pick at my skin, or nails hence this pinkie nail,” He said, lifting up the nail he bit down completely as if to prove a point. “Other… things I’m not proud of. Yes, his cheating hurt, but… he never gave up on me.”
“And you felt the rest of us did,” Aaron whispered.
“Not… really?” Spencer said. “It was a touchy subject, no one knew how to approach it, and you kept me on the team knowing I was a risk and putting everyone else in jeopardy. I was the problem, and you… kept me,” Spencer mumbled. “So… maybe I felt discouraged and a little unseen, but I don’t think I ever felt like you gave up . And now I’m years clean.”
“And we’re all very proud of you,” Aaron whispered. “Even if we don’t show it well. We recognize you.”
“I know, but I will say hearing it makes me feel a little bit better about myself,” Spencer chuckled softly.
For a while, they fell into silence, simply processing what each other said. But, soon enough, Spencer spoke up again, “I know I probably crossed a line, telling you to let your walls down, and I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, you were right. At this point, I should be able to relax a bit, especially around you,” Aaron said. “I just… the last thing I want to do is run you away from me.”
“We’re both very traumatized men, Aaron,” Spencer said softly. “And regardless of what some people, especially on our team, may think. I can communicate, and I can tell you when something makes me uncomfortable. Do I? Yes and no, sometimes it’s just a thing I need to get over personally, and sometimes it’s something that is rooted in me that I can’t get over. Most of the time, I won’t say anything because it’s something I need to grow out of.”
“But that’s why some of our team probably thinks that,” Aaron reasoned.
“Oh definitely, and that’s why they’re surprised when I do tell them off,” Spencer agreed. “But, that’s the assumption they’re making due to how much I tell and show them. I can’t control their assumptions.”
“True, you can’t,” Aaron agreed.
“What I’m trying to say is that you’re not going to chase me away by talking about your feelings. Because as someone who cares a lot about you, I care about how you feel. Your emotions, your mental state, all of it— it matters, Aaron. It matters a lot. And if I can help you process, or even just be someone you can talk to, then I want to be that. You told me you wanted a friendship, you even gave me a rose to prove it, and I’ve learned that- that’s what happens in a friendship. We talk.”
Aaron smiled slightly, nodding. “I’ll work on it,” he promised, and Spencer nodded, softly sighing.
Aaron stepped forward, he lingered for a bit, but Spencer seemed to get it as he pulled Aaron in for a hug, arms around his shoulder (since he was still on the counter) and Aaron’s arms tightly around his waist. Spencer rested his chin against Aaron’s head, smiling a bit to himself and gently returning the head kiss. He felt Aaron chuckle against him.
“From hand holding to head kissing, huh?” Aaron said as he took one step back, his hands resting on Spencer’s lower back where Spencer’s rested on Aaron’s collarbone.
“Doesn’t that happen with every friendship?” Spencer asked, sarcastic with a wide smile as Aaron laughed softly.
A knock on the door alerted that the groceries were here.
-7-
“Hey, I’m here, I’m here,” Spencer said, kneeling down as Aaron struggled to catch a breath. The chief was currently having a panic attack, but thankfully he’d made it to the single bathroom before breaking down in the middle of a random city precinct.
Rossi had told Spencer.
“Aaron, can I touch you?” Spencer asked, and Aaron slowly nodded. He grabbed the chief’s hand gently, letting his soft hand run against Aaron’s rough skin. “Aaron, I need you to breathe.”
“I can’t-“ Aaron gasped, and Spencer softly shushed him.
“No talking, just breathing,” Spencer whispered. “Look at me, just keep looking at me and breathing. Use me to ground yourself, it’s okay, you’re okay,” Spencer whispered, using his other hand to gently rest on Aaron’s face and bring the man’s gaze up.
Aaron’s heaving slowly evened out. Spencer smiled at him, proud. “There you are,” He whispered, squeezing his hand while still running his thumb against it, his other thumb gently running against his cheekbone.
“I’m sorry,” Aaron’s voice cracked, and Spencer could see the tears.
“Don’t you dare,” Spencer whispered. “Don’t you apologize for feeling. We talked about this.”
“I know,” Aaron whispered, squeezing Spencer’s hand back. “I just- when she said she knew my father.”
“I know,” Spencer said, rubbing his cheek. “I could see it. And I know your father was… not a great man. You don’t have to explain why you had a panic attack.”
“I’m a grown ass man-“
“With grown ass feelings and trauma that you haven’t dealt with because you think being a grown ass man changes how you feel,” Spencer finished for him, and Aaron sighed. “At heart, Aaron, you’re still a kid scared of his father.”
Aaron sighed, sitting up more. “Please tell me I actually made it to the bathroom before breaking down in front if the entire station.”
“Yeah, actually. You excused yourself and then Rossi told me,” Spencer explained. “Kinda like when you excused yourself and then passed out the round table.”
Aaron chuckled, nodding slowly. “Thank you,” Aaron whispered. Spencer just kissed his forehead, getting Aaron to smile a bit wider. “Are you okay to finish the case?” He asked.
“I should be, yeah,” Aaron nodded.
“Okay, I’ll come over once it’s done to check up on you. Nonnegotiable,” Spencer said, and Aaron nodded just as there was a knock at the door.
“Spencer? Aaron?” David called. “Everything alright?”
Spencer helped Aaron stand before opening the door, accepting the water David was holding out for Aaron, and passing it to the man who was washing his face in the skin. “He’s alright,” Spencer said softly to David. “Let me know if…?”
“I will,” David promised before turning to Aaron after the chief was done chugging the water and pat him on the shoulder, the three of them returning to the case.
Aaron noticeably slowed down and processed things better, but no one commented on it.
-7-
On the flight home, the routine of sitting next to each other and gently fiddling with each other’s hands wasn’t broken, but there was a heavy silence between them. Everyone else was sleeping, Rossi was reading, but they both knew David had his own theories about them.
“My Dad hurt me before he left,” Spencer whispered, and Aaron looked over at him. “So, I get the panic attack you had.”
“I thought your dad wasn’t violent, just… an ass for leaving,” Aaron whispered back.
“He’s not, or… he wasn’t until the months leading up to the day he left,” Spencer whispered. “There’s a reason I was so set on him being the man who hurt and killed Riley Jenkins.”
Aaron stared at him for a second, but Spencer didn’t elaborate as he looked out of the window.
“I’m sorry,” Aaron whispered, and Spencer simply squeezed his hand in return.