Work Text:
Severus had managed to catch her on her way to the library and pulled her into the classroom. It wasn't the wisest thing he had ever done since she was still mad at him and probably would never cease to be, but he was desperate.
"What do you think you're doing, Severus?" She asked furiously. Somehow hearing her call him 'Severus' instead of 'Sev' hurt. But he had hurt her, so he suspected he deserved it. Severus knew that if he didn't come up with a good explanation soon, Lily would just go and leave. So he brought his hand to his lips and pulled his glove off with his teeth. The black leather tasted like dirt and fresh earth from his Herbology lesson earlier, but he ignored it in favor of taking Lily's hand into his. She somewhat calmed at that, seeing as it was so rare that Severus touched anyone willingly.
A woman with fiery red hair and soft emerald eyes is cradling an infant to her chest. Standing next to her is a black-haired man who's also looking down at the baby from behind his thick, round glasses with the same happy expression.
He felt a pang of something deep in his gut. It was dark and twisted and Severus knew - though he would never admit it; not even to himself- that it was jealously and a feeling of betrayal that filled him. He actually tried to squash those feelings and be happy for Lily, because she definitely had seemed to be happy.
"What did you see?" It was something she could never seem to shake. This curiosity about the future. Severus had at first been angry at her for it, because she didn't seem to understand what a burden it was, but she insisted that it was a gift. Though Severus wasn't convinced, he sometimes still liked to think of it that way. "You," A tired smile graced his lips, as if he had long given up on ever being with Lily. "With Potter and your child, I suppose." Lily gaped at him, forgetting her anger momentarily. "I'm going to be with that toe-rag?" Disbelief colored her voice.
Severus wasn't surprised at what he had seen. He had always known about Potters obsession -he couldn't quite bring himself to call it love, even though he suspected it was- with her. Though it wasn't quite fair in regard to Lily, he had somehow always known that it was either him or Potter. And now the chance of ever being with Lily had evaporated into thin air because he knew she wouldn't forgive him. But he still wanted to, no had to, apologize. He had to show her how very sorry he was or forever live with the regret of not having done enough. So he swallowed down the burning jealousy, before it could cloud his judgement.
"Yeah, you seemed... happy." His voice cracked a little. His former friend still seemed to ponder the mystery of her loving Potter and he was all too happy to snap her out of it. "But that's not what I wanted to talk about."
"Right." She drew her hand back out of his, in favor of crossing her arms in front of her chest. Suddenly remembering that she was angry with him and that they were no friends anymore. It kind of stung, but he clung to the last moments, where everything was normal again and he could still control his tongue.
"I want to apologize." He could practically see her close off. "I don't know what's gotten into me. I never should've said something this awful."
"But you did." She said, her voice full of anger and disappointment, laced with hurt. That was all it took for the gut wrenching guilt to flare to life again. "And you meant it." Severus eyes widened.
"No, of course I didn't! I was just so angry and humiliated and Potter and Black laughing at me, because you had to step in... It was just the last straw. I didn't think." Lily seemed taken aback, but Severus didn't know what exactly was wrong with what he said, so he continued. "Remember when I promised you in first year that I don't care about your blood status?"
"I thought, you had forgotten." Severus swallowed, his mouth was too dry and wet at the same time. "Well, it still doesn't matter. What I said was stupid..." Lily finally cut him off and Severus couldn't decide if he was glad or just anxious.
"But you believe in this, don't you? I've heard you call others Mudbloods or Bloodtraitors." A 'No' formed in his throat willing to be let out, but Severus paused because he wasn't certain that this was the truth. He didn't know what he believed in anymore. It was easy to go around and say those things, too make people hate him and keep their distance. He never once doubted that it was all an act. But now he had called Lily the first thing that came to mind when he had been mad at her and he wasn't so sure anymore.
Unfortunately, Lily took his silence as affirmation. "It's just different because it is me, isn't it? If you hadn't known me before school, you wouldn't have spared me a second glance." The accusation hurt, though it was true, but for a different reason. Lily had always been different. She had always been one of the only good things in his life. Though when he opened his mouth to tell her exactly that, no sound came out. He shook his head.
"I don't know what I believe in anymore." He whispered, not sure if Lily had heard him. Judging from the conflicted expression on her face, she had. She sighed, all the anger washed away from her face.
"That's not it." She said lowly, as if to herself. "You calling me a Mudblood was just the last straw. I... I don't like that you're so into the Dark Arts and ... I'm afraid that you'll join the Death Eaters, Sev. I don't want you to be my enemy."
Severus blinked, surprised. He wanted to laugh and tell her why he really planned to join the Death Eaters, but he didn't think that would be wise. She didn't need to be pulled into such ridiculous antics of him. What should he say anyway? That there was something driving him to do this? Like something deep inside him urged him not to take the next bus, for it would be involved in a traffic accident? Though she was right about his fascination with the Dark Arts. Lily searched his face, probably looking for the little tell tale signs in his unreadable expression only she could find. Severus didn't know what to do.
"So you want to break it off before it gets to painful?" He was surprised by the steady monotone of his voice.
"You're not even denying it." The Gryffindor breathed. Severus shifted, slightly uncomfortable. "You really plan on becoming one of them?" Nothing could describe the look of betrayal in her eyes. It tore into his heart, making it hard to breathe. "I have to do this." He said after a moment of hesitation.
"Why?" She sounded so incredulous, as if someone told her that he planned to destroy the world. In a way he did. He was destroying their own little world. Ripping it apart, making a cut that could never be mended. Severus began to doubt his decision. Was it really worth their friendship? But this force that drove him to it told him that in fact it was.
"I..." There were so many answers rushing into his head at once that he didn't know which one he should pick. "Something tells me that I should." He knew that he picked the wrong answer, when Lily completely closed off. The anger was back in her face and Severus wanted to close his eyes and pretend that it wasn't there.
"Who? That prick Lucius who you don't even really know or is it Regulus who's parents support all of this blood supremacy?" Lily scoffed. A sound that had a weird ring to it, like she wasn't used to making it. "To think that I was ready to give you another chance."
With that Lily stormed out of the unused classroom. Unshed tears glistened in his eyes as the door violently swung shut. The noise echoed in his ears long after she had left.