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THE PERILS OF JOHNNIE
In our first episode, dear viewers, Johnnie has just moved to the big city whereupon he is kidnapped and forced to listen to a boring monologue from one of our showrunners. On the plus side, he does meet the tall dark stranger who is surely meant to be his love interest.
In Episode Two, Johnnie has just started loudly dating a woman to prove how unattached he is to his tall dark strange flatmate when he and his lady-friend (actually his boss who for some reason doesn't fire him for sleeping on the job his first day) are viciously attacked and captured by wicked and unscrupulous Chinese, who tie them to chairs with nasty Chinese weapons set to destroy them unless they give them a missing amulet. Fortunately his tall dark flatmate shows up at the last minute and the white people vanquish the bad Asians. Yes, it was written in this century.
In our next thrilling installment, mystery fans, poor Johnnie is captured by the Sinister Moriarty, who straps a bomb to our hero! Will he escape? Will the cliffhanger lead to an amazing plot point? Will his tall dark flatmate finally declare his love?
You wish.
Chapter Four and there's a WOMAN in the picture. A NAKED woman. Will SHE turn the head of Johnnie's tall dark flatmate? Will SHE prove these guys are completely unattracted to each other? Aaaand Johnnie is captured again – but this time it's Americans threatening to shoot him. See, variety! Oh and the lady is gay but then she isn't because Tall Dark Flatmate is MAGICAL and she's fierce but she surrenders because Tall Dark Flatmate is AMAZING and she's clever but then she's stupid because Tall Dark Flatmate is A MAN so he wins and oh god was this thing written in this century too?
Chapter Five, boys and girls! Now Johnnie is locked in a cage with a horrible hellhound snarling at the door to tear him to pieces but oh wait that was just Tall Dark Flatmate playing a joke on his PTSD'd flatmate and oh christ is this guy supposed to be the HERO of this series? And Johnnie is friends with Flatmate again and all's well but seriously, Johnnie, if you need help or something blink twice.
Chapter Six and Tall Dark Flatmate is DEAD thank god good riddance that SOB was just – oh wait Johnnie's heartbroken and blames himself for not seeing the signs. We leave poor Johnnie crying at his flatmate's grave and oh HELL NO there's Flatmate watching him and not telling him a damn thing.
Chapter Seven. Oh look another lady out of the blue and Johnnie's gonna marry her yes he is. But who's back like a bad penny? And Johnnie's good and mad at him but then he's captured and stuffed in a Guy Fawkes bonfire, well that's a relief back to normal, will Bad Penny Flatmate and Brand New Ladyfriend save him in time? And they do and they save all the Tories from exploding like that's a GOOD thing, and we get to meet Tall Dark Flatmate's parents and awwww they're Tall Dark Flatmate Actor's parents so at least we got that.
In Chapter Eight, dear viewers, everyone gets married and nobody gets kidnapped and Johnnie and Tall Daft Flatmate get drunk together and come super-close to telling the truth but then they don't. And Johnnie and New Lady, er, New Wife are already going to have a baby, well you can't get more heterosexual than that can you? So they get married and live happily ever –
Chapter Nine? Seriously? Oh, blackmail. Yes, wicked fellows do like to peddle secrets, and the Master Blackmailer knows Johnnie and Flatmate are – oh, wait, his big scary secret is that New Wife is a super-mercenary-crackshot-assassin (and she rides a dinosaur and can fly and chrissake is a five-year-old writing this?). But New Wife wants her exciting life in the past because now all she wants is to be Mrs. Johnnie and have Johnnie Juniors because being a housewife and mummy is so much better than being a super-mercenary-crackshot-assassin and I'm sensing a pattern with the showrunners here. So Tall Dark Flatmate MURDERS the blackmailer but he's the showrunner's brother so nothing happens to him. Oh look Sinister Moriarty's Not Dead After All, I'm SURE that'll matter in the next chapter.
Chapter Ten. Johnnie's New Wife gets killed after having a baby. This is my surprised face. Oh, and there's even a non-white lady cop in the show for 30 whole seconds so good luck getting that BAFTA guys.
Chapter Eleven. Johnnie isn't in peril any more, he IS the peril. But Flatmate forgives him for domestic abuse because nobody has healthy boundaries in this series, dear viewers. .Look, you see what Johnnie and Flatmate are doing to each other? Don't do that.
Ch… Chapt… Twel… No. Just no. Fuck this.
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Anyway, Johnnie and Flatmate finally get married for real and raise the baby together and stop hurting each other and live happily ever after the way this sort of story is intended to end. Was that so hard?