Work Text:
Betrayed.
That's how Carina felt.
Endless nothing.
That's how Maya felt.
Cold.
That's how they both felt.
Only in vastly different ways.
When a firefighter dies the toll of the bell represents their last alarm. The end of their duties. The bell rings to say their shift is over. They’re going home.
Carina could never go back home.
She felt, helpless and hopeless but the feeling that lingered was coldness.
She had felt it from her wife for months on end. On the rooftop that night, in their room that was golden now grasping for air while it drowned in the blue. She felt nothing and everything. She was done. But she was holding on. What else could she do? She loved Maya. Maya stained every part of Carina's life. She was there. When her brother died, when she had to be deported. All the nights the sleepless night haunted by nightmares of her as a kid in Italy. Every panic attack. Maya was there. On her brother's birthday. On her mom's. On her dad's. She was right next to Carina as she called her father. And she was there after the phone call. For so long Carina didn't feel safe. She didn't feel at home.
But then Maya came.
And she did.
But then, her home crumbled. The foundation failed Carina. Carina failed herself. Like every time before. And now she was back to square one.
Maya consumed so much of Carina's life that it was almost impossible to think of a life before or without Maya.
Only think. They were only excruciating hypotheticals she ran through her head every night when Maya wasn't in bed with her. When she was on a dangerous call. Every 5-alarm fire, every building collapse, every call, Carina thought of Maya leaving her. But then Maya would come back. Come home. Bruised, but alive.
Not this time.
The first time she truly felt the bitter, harsh coldness without trying to convince herself that Maya didn't mean it was in that hospital room.
This isn't support, this isn't love. When your brother died you could barely get off the freaking kitchen floor. You know what I did? I gave you space when you needed it. I let you figure out your crap on your own. I didn't call psych and have you committed.
The last time she felt that same coldness was in the morgue. When she toucher her wife's dead body hoping that it was all an illusion and she wasn't lying on that metal slab just as cold as Maya's behaviour. But it was. That coldness crept into her skin. It travelled through her veins until it reached her heart. And then it grasped her. She could sense the feeling slithering and coiling around her heart ever so tightly she found herself grasping for air. She felt it all. The heaviness. The coldness. The reality. Her wife was dead and there was nothing she could do. She couldn't bring her back to life. She couldn't nurse her back to her sweet loving Maya who looked at her like she hung the moon. Not then. Not now.
Never now.
Carina was always unsure about her feelings towards Maya's job. She was proud that Maya was so selfless and giving to her community. But at what cost? She could die on the job and be burnt beyond recognition at any moment. Time wasn't a blessing for them. It was their enemy. What if Maya had died and Carina didn't know until hours later? They were a lot of things she was unsure about. But their last words? She knew they would be words of love.
I lose you, either way, Bella. I'd rather lose you and have you be alive.
I just can't believe you would do this to me.
Not anymore.
Carina after much persuading from Teddy went back to her house. It was different from last time. It loomed of death and sadness instead of just sadness. She didn't know what to do. So she slept on the couch. She entered the room only once to take her belongings and never after that even dared to glance at the bedroom door. Most days she never came back home and just slept at the hospital. On the days she did, she slept in the guest room. Because all that room meant was that the universe had once again played a cruel joke on Carina by taking someone she loved away. It was filled with too many memories.
It was too soft.
Three months passed.
Carina still slept in the guest room. She refused to live in the truth of Maya's death. Pretending that Maya was alive and only ignoring her let Carina sleep at night. Everyone visited. Maya's mom had come over too. Her mom had noticed that Carina had been sleeping in the guest room so she tidied up their bedroom in case Carina ever felt like going home.
They tracked down Mason. They all had dinner together multiple nights. To make sure, they were there for each other even if they didn't have the strength to be there for themselves.
Maya's locker remained untouched. Andy couldn't even stomach clearing out that locker because it meant her best friend was gone. Maya and her may have had their issues but they stuck by each other through thick and thin. Andy couldn't bare that. So she let it be. But then Ross told them, a probie was joining. The locker had to be emptied.
Andy refused to do it.
They called Carina.
Carina came.
Carina convinced Andy.
And then they all gathered around, as the last of Maya Bishop disappeared.
The pictures were taken down, and the clothes were folded more neatly than Maya ever could. The jar of candy was given away to young kids who beamed at the sight of candy. They just didn't know Maya did the same.
You wouldn't think Maya was sentimental. But she kept everything. The jacket she wore the day she met Carina. The vows she eventually wrote. The pride pin she and Travis had gotten together. The running shoes Andy had gifted her. The birthday card Vic had given her the year she didn't feel like celebrating her birthday. A teddy bear from Jack, a photo frame of everyone given to her by Captain Herrera. She kept it all in a box in the back of her locker. Secure. Away from all the pain in the world and the tragedy of her job. No matter what her memories couldn't be harmed. They were safe.
Carina cried. Like she did for the past 3 months. Except this time she wasn't just mourning her death. She was mourning her life. Maya no matter what, at the end of the day she was just a 3-year-old scared of disappointing her father. She never got to grow up normally. She never got to heal that 3-year-old. Tell her that she was worthy of love and affection. She died thinking this is what she deserved. She died thinking that her marriage was over. Her career was over. Everything she ever worked for was over. And she still couldn't please her dad. On the outside, she may appear heartless and brutal but really she was caring and kind and loving. She was also worthy of happiness. Even if she disagreed.
She may have made mistakes and hurt people but how can you call her the hunter when she has been the prey her entire life? How can you blame someone for their actions when it is all they have ever learned? If you called her worthless she would agree with you. She deserved to unlearn that. She deserved to heal herself, win her wife back, become a mother and excel at her job. She didn't deserve death. Even if she thought so.
Anyone who describes dying as ‘slipping away’ or ‘peaceful’ has never witnessed it happen. Death is violent, death is a struggle. The body clings to life, as ivy to a wall, and will not easily let go, will not surrender its grip without a fight.
Carina took the box home and for the first time in three months, she slept in her bedroom. She wore Maya's jumper and slid into the comforter on Maya's side of the bed. And slept. It wasn't peaceful. But she felt warmth. She felt nothing but warmth. Grief isn't a checklist you tick as you keep going. Grief never leaves you. You just learn to live with it. Carina certainly hadn't learnt to live with it, but she knew she would get there eventually. She has before. Now she was just warm. And that was enough.
In that box of belongings, was a nameplate. It said "Captain Maya Bishop". But it wasn't who Maya was anymore. She was no more a name on a track meet certificate or a glorious gold medal. She wasn't a name on a sports shirt she wore to the Olympics. She wasn't a lieutenant or a captain badge. She wasn't a name on a marriage certificate or a name registered in a sperm donor bank.
She was just a name on a tombstone.
And that is all she will ever be.