Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Perfection.

Something that everyone always referenced as attainable, striving to reach for as it hung high above them. Taunting them really, the brightest star of them all and you simply could not pluck it and bring it down to you. Cradling it preciously and carefully, the brightest and best treasure of them all as you lived your mundane and monotonous life. Struggling and bearing the wounds given by the cards that life had dealt you unfairly. Knees buckling as you tried to shoulder them and seem strong, as close as you could to perfection because the moment you wavered. The moment you showed a simple thing of weakness, everyone talked and judged.

Shinonome Ena knew that it wasn’t unattainable. Asahina Mafuyu was proof of it even if she was a hollow doll. A pretty thing to admire and once you looked closer, you noticed how awful and horrid she was. With little emotional capability as she glanced over at them and spoke in their calls, working on what she had to for the chance of salvation. It was strange and irritating to simply exist in her presence and orbit, having to follow her around pathetically because she was so naturally good at everything except being real.

She was the dictionary definition of perfection and Ena was a little envious. Scratch that, a lot envious. All she saw whenever she so much as glanced at Mafuyu was green. She wanted to be like Mafuyu. She wanted whatever she possessed, she wanted that perfection and admiration that Airi and Shizuku always talked about. Everyone loved her and no one loved Ena.

Mafuyu tolerated her at best, Ena believed it was something more but because Mafuyu was unable to express her feelings and give them a name… toleration was the best fit she supposed. K appreciated her for her art and how it was needed to amplify her songs, reaching more people to help them and show the world something, anything.

Kanade was a good person, someone Ena admired as she used to cover K’s songs (not that she ever posted them, far too embarrassed by the awful sounding microphone and the echo that coated her songs). Ena liked Kanade a lot, she was too selfless as she worked tireless on saving Yuki, creating something to reach out to her. Reach into her (non-existent) heart and pull out something, anything. Even the smallest tilt of her lips was something that made Kanade beam.

According to Mizuki at least.

Now, Amia was the strangest one. Arguably, if you boiled down all of the Nightcord members save them, each one was striving for perfection. Mafuyu was looking for the final piece to her puzzle, wanting to no longer be the honour student everyone admired her as. She had the talent, the brain and the brawn. Sometimes, she was helpful and able to say the right thing, but her emotional range lacked depth as she acted in the scene. K was searching relentlessly for the perfect song to save Yuki. A song to bring Mafuyu back from the never-ending depths of despair that she existed in. Something to give her an identity. But it couldn’t be something that was half-assed, it had to be proper and full. Full of something that made Yuki realise who she was wholly.

Ena had always been searching for perfection. Aiming to be the best and admired. It was how she turned to social media. Perfection on social media was easily within your grasp even if you were a failure like she was. Even if you were simply someone who was not the best at anything. Who lacked natural talent and a natural call to what you were passionate about, social media covered it all up. Social media made Ena seem perfect as she posed, adjusted her body position to get the right lighting and creating perfect outfits. And if it wasn’t perfect, she could smother it all up in filters and enhance what needed to be enhanced.

Perfect was how Shinonome Ena portrayed herself even if it was the furthest thing from the truth. She was a failure, she was a disappointment though everyone assured her she wasn’t, she was. Akito was the one who had the natural call to art, but he lacked the passion. Ena had the passion, was overfilling with it, brimming with it, but lacked the natural talent. Her lines were rehearsed and practised. Unnatural and rarely came from the heart as she sought to impress Shinei even if they were strained and he gave her no reason to want to do so.

Akiyama Mizuki was different to them all.

It was strange.

They adored cute things, not that Ena and the other’s didn’t but not nearly as much as Mizuki did. They were loud and talkative, no matter how many times Yuki would complain and say that Ena did the same, it was only when she was creative and was on a roll. It distracted her from what she was doing and over thinking her piece. Plus, she had to defend her honour as Amia teased her relentlessly. Not stopping and humming oh so obnoxiously into the microphone and getting far too close for comfort. They were loud and chatty, constantly keeping something floating in the air. Silence getting to them and making them uncomfortable even if everyone insisted upon it, linked to their Nightcord account was the fact that they were listening to music whilst doing work. Silence didn’t suit them.

They were diligent too. Always worked hard and gave Ena ideas in order to speed up the music process considering they worked together and had to work together. Messaging her random colour palettes as colour ideas because sometimes, she just had a sketch and nothing more to do with it and they needed a colour scheme that they could agree on to begin to story board the music video.

 And sometimes, Ena wondered if there was something more to them. Yuki had hinted to it when she broke that one day and they visited the Sekai. That they all banded together because they were fucked up in the head and needed the comfort of other people being like them to be together. To make it seem normal though it simply was not normal.

To exist together in the depths of despair.

But Mizuki seemed fine. They seemed happy and whilst they said the odd comment, it was covered up with a laugh that made Ena’s heart flutter and she had to take a moment to replay the laugh in her head. Savouring the sweet melody and tune intensely. Even if she knew she shouldn’t, but their laugh and how easily and how naturally they covered up people’s concern made her do so instinctively as she figured out her strange and twisting feelings.

Maybe that was how they tried to be perfect? The perfect distraction. The perfect bridge closer because the moment that she got too frustrated at Yuki, which was often admittedly, Mizuki would always slide in and try to ease the tension. Calming the tension with their voice, shaking and worried. Full of worry admittedly. Trembling and hesitating as they tried to say what they wanted, calming her down but always riling her up because they treated her like an animal. As if they didn’t know what exactly to say.

It didn’t make any sense to Ena. But nothing about them made sense. Nothing about the world made any sense to her as she sought after perfection, shouldering the burden of being Shinonome Shinei’s untalented daughter. Untalented child. Striving with all her might, all her pride and all of her determination to be something more and better than what life had given her.

She always fell.

No matter what, no matter how many times she sunk her hands into the side of the mountain. Gripping the crumbling rocks and scaling her way up, gritting her teeth together in passion and with a strong and newfound resolve. She would always make it up so far, then the rocks holding her hand, cutting deep into her skin broke and she slipped down. Covered in rubble and dirt.

Often, she wallowed in self-pity. Wanting to stay in the same place forever and ever, giving up so easily because Ena had nothing better to do in her mind. She was already a failure, why try to be anything more? Clearly, life wanted to dissuade her from dreaming like a child. Like a child who had just learnt about wishing on stars. Looking up at the big sky, with the twinkling and dizzying lights that were so far out and truly were unattainable and unreachable, but still wishing, nonetheless. Hoping a higher power, someone with the ability to do anything in this cruel world would do something. Make a move, take an action. Correct the way her life was.

It was stupid, pathetic really. It was utterly pointless, because why would someone listen to a Shinonome. They were destined to suffer. Ena was certain of that fact, so she gave up with praying and asking for something different. Instead, she took it all in stride and got back up. She would hesitate to climb up the mountain again, but she would try.

She would try if someone, Mizuki, encouraged her to try again. That too made no sense to her, but she understood it a little. Okay, she didn’t really understand it considering who she was talking about and who always made her try and their personality. But even with their flaws, if Mizuki asked her to try again. To paint what she liked and do what she wanted, she would do it in a heartbeat.

It was strange. Her heart felt strange as she figured something out about herself and them. Her racing and raging heart.

They were irritating, but sometimes they bordered on wise. Sometimes they said the right thing and they somehow knew the deep feelings of her heart no matter how hard she kept it locked up in a golden cage. They just knew.

They knew too much about them all admittedly. Always knowing what to say to reach into them, and it wasn’t like Kanade, promises in the moment. It was lasting, like they had analysed them all and figured out the chinks in their arm and pinpointed it, piercing their skin and their feelings. Causing pain and utter desperation within them.

That was how Ena largely interpreted it whenever Mizuki helped her. Not that she didn’t appreciate their help, she liked it more than whenever Mafuyu tried. But it made her uncomfortable, the way they just knew her.

She liked it too.

Maybe Ena believed that Mizuki was not striving for perfection because in her mind, they were. They were not everything they wanted, seriously their attitude was awful. But there was something about them that drew Ena in, as if they were a magician and hypnotising her. Drawing her in and closer, so much closer to them and yet she always snapped out of it at their whim. When they wanted her to stay far away. To be standing at the other end of a rope bridge that would surely break the moment one of them placed their foot on it high above a raging river that would drown them and lead their bodies far away.

Ena was a fool, she wanted to cross that bridge as her heart continuously soared whenever they said something teasing to her. Something that complimented her, and she scolded herself that they were only jesting, because they always told a joke and existed to just tell jokes. She swore to herself to never fall for them even if sometimes she wondered if she was simply loving a memory of when they were new and working together.

She knew that was a lie because when they were sincere, because Mizuki was able to sincere from time to time, when it was needed, her heart had a mini heart attack. She swore she saw the gates of hell – because there was no way she was getting to heaven with how much God hated and had abandoned her - opening wide to accept her and she wanted to walk in. She wanted to accept it all in stride and simply exist in such a way that had her orbiting pointlessly around Mizuki. Pathetically and, for once, she didn’t mind being perceived that way.

For Mizuki? Ena would give up her chances and her love of perfection. Her ideal of the far-off thing in a heartbeat. And no one, no one at all could stop her really. No one could hold her back and yell at her, tell her that that was false and untrue. Because the way she loved Mizuki, of all things in her unfair and unjust life, Ena was certain was just and fair.

How could you not?

They teased her a lot, and sometimes did Ena want to ask Akito to punch them in the face? Yes, but the good moments of sincerity, where they let open the chain covering their heart just a little, were so precious to Ena. The way they bonded. The way they always made her laugh, somehow. Even if it was a bad day, even if she didn’t want to laugh or do anything, Mizuki always drew it out of her so skillfuly. It was like they knew her better than she did herself, and she could accept that. Mizuki was bordering on perfect really.

And their looks. Not that Ena was a vain person, well she was in regard to herself but that was because she needed to maintain her online image. She had spent so long curating it, she couldn’t let it fail or drop for a moment because then it would all be for nought. The hours hiding her teddies and the likes, cleaning her room because the sun was peeking through her sheer pink curtains just right and she had such a small window of time to make sure her makeup with pristine and not messy, that her hair lay flat with no fly aways… all that time she spent making sure that Shinonome Ena was no more and only Enanan existed would be for nought if she was not vain. If she did not spend hours glancing in a mirror to figure out who she was and why she was pretty.

She only did it for herself, even if she was surrounded by utterly breathtaking people. Actual models that she could never compare to, but she didn’t want to she believed. She simply just stared at herself, followed her routine and made judgments about her own beauty. The superficial beauty she wanted to chase and clamoured for.

But, objectively, Mizuki was utterly stunning. They always had the most perfect makeup, subtle in a way that you never noticed it at first. That you never realised it when you glanced at them from far away as they towered over crowds. With their long pink eyelash, their natural pink eyelash, that simply made you keep staring and want to touch from how long and how curved it was. With the way their pink hair made their eyes stand out, and you would think it was overwhelming all that pink, but Mizuki made it work. It simply felt right to stare at them as if they went swimming in the pink lake from sugar and sweetness land.

They had the prettiest nails even though they always hid their hands as much as they could, long and manicured. Often French tips, sometimes Ena teased that it was to do with their ‘French heritage.’

(They always denied it vehemently, but Ena swore that they had a postcard of the Eiffel tower in their room and other French memorabilia. Their everyday grey outfit, the one that seemed like a British school outfit also featured French on the collar and Mizuki confirmed they had hand stitched that. Painstakingly done so).

They returned to joke good naturedly but said nothing more. Always shrinking in on themselves, before leading her off to another store. Something new and something shiny to distract Ena entirely as they lugged bag after bag before they collapsed in the diner, flopping on the seats dramatically and waving to the regular waitress in their half-asleep daze.

It was cute admittedly. Not that Ena would ever admit it, they would get a lick and tease her about it constantly that she found something about them cute. But it was simply a fact.

Like the way that when they were lost in thought, taking out a new sketchbook (since they were both artists, creatives in different ways but similar enough ways) and drew out outfit ideas. Alterations or custom outfits they wanted. Sometimes, they drew random ideas for MORE MORE JUMP because they too were close with Shizuku and Airi and wanted to help them, and it was not because they were a huge fan of them – though that did come to play sometimes.

Mizuki for as much as their personality irritated her and she had practically complained about it, she didn’t exactly hate it. Her feelings in regard to it were complex that there was no simple way to explain the depths of their relationship together. There was no way, in her mind, in any conceivable notion, for her to explain how she felt about it exactly.

It was comforting, unlike Luka who seemed to take it to the extreme no matter how helpful she seemed to Kanade. No matter how many teasing answers and subtle ideas she gave, all laced in idyllic imagery, Mizuki got the same point across similarly in a better way. In fact, they lost it entirely which seemed like that they were not exactly the same as Luka. But Ena knew that parts of Luka derived from Mizuki. Luka had a tiered outfit, similar to their unit outfits that appeared. They had pink hair and no one else in the group had a constant mischievous nature that would pass onto Luka. It was only Mizuki because they constantly made jokes and was a tease.

It was strange that Luka consistently kept it unlike Mizuki who lost it. Don’t get Ena wrong, their teasing nature was good and all. But she liked that when the moment mattered, it faded away and their voice became flatter. It was different and at first, shocking and strange, chills crawling all over her body, but it was a much needed change. They also went through other changes too when they were serious unlike Luka. If Ena was not wholly delusional, deeper almost. Like there was something more to it and it was no longer over the top, dramatic and high pitched.

Their eyes, their eyes no longer danced with mirth and glee. Utter joy that made them twinkle and would make the stars jealous and sometimes, Ena believed that the sky was blue was a lie and she wanted it to be pink. If only to make better comparisons between a Mizuki that was filled with complete and utter joy. But when their voice took on that serious note, that tone of finality and consideration, it all slipped away, and they seemed darker almost. Only a little as Mizuki bit their lip, lost in thought and tapped their foot, their heel resounding in the Sekai or being picked up by their headset from how it echoed in their room.

They would hum too when lost in thought. Ena never knew what the song was, but they certainly hummed until they came to a reasonable solution. Sometimes, though it was rare, they added in a joke to ease the tension but not even they could believe it themselves. That they had said it and it fell flat, it laid between them all and they all elected to ignore it as if they had never spoken. Ena believed that they were glad in those moments though people rarely took their ideas properly and seriously, only MEIKO and Luka did. And, considering MEIKO never spoke to anyone of them save them, Ena had a good reason to be concerned.

She never said anything as they all struggled with life and made it back out together.

But, for how much they struggled, and Ena knew they did there was no way you simply went to the Sekai, and you didn’t struggle, they never revealed it. Neither did MEIKO even if she always watched them warily, staring at them knowingly but if you tried to ask her about it, she practically disappeared. It was like Ena was imaging it, but Ena often imagined things.

She had imagined a happy life with them, even though both of them were pretty secretive. Mizuki did know more than Yuki and K admittedly, but even then, not too much. They all had the basics of the complexities of Ena and Shinei. Mizuki whilst they had her social media to keep up with her, was not privy to her deepest and darkest thoughts and she knew that a happy life could not happen without trust. Mutual trust and she wanted Mizuki to see deeper into her heart. To be different to all those people that admired her on social media, that knew her for being pretty and a model, but the words always failed.

She was quick tempered, always rising up to bait and getting angry. Akito could attest to that as he held up his arms to show all the scratches that littered his skin courtesy of Ena whenever she lashed out. Yuki could agree to it because the moment she said something wrong, something that Ena disagreed with only slightly, she was attacked. Receiving vicious and swirling hate that stemmed from jealousy and envy. Carnal want and need to be like her.

You would, if you were anyone else, presume that she had let people into her heart. But she didn’t. It was still locked up and secure. Hidden away in secret and she had some persona, some image to maintain and it was difficult to explain. It was a strange concept for Ena to even grasp and imagine beginning to explain, she didn’t fully understand it herself. She could not comprehend it exactly, even when she looked to Rin and tried to figure it out that way. It made no sense to her the way that she, theoretically, let everyone into her heart but in actuality, it was still a dead end.

And it would be Ena thought, because what point was there in life and what could she do in life exactly? Nothing. Her heart wanted to remain closed and locked away, so it would stay no matter how much her brain yelled at it to open up.

But she knew that the moment Mizuki came knocking at the door, requesting for her heart to let them in. She would burst that door wide open in the moment, without hesitation. She only wished that that could be reciprocated. Somehow, someway, someday. That these feelings that existed in her heart was not something that she had to suffer with. Be plagued with alone. That it was two directional and they were walking down the same road, the same path that fate had carved out for them. Hand in hand, side by side with something more lingering in the air.

Unspoken words and promises. Three words that changed lives and feelings, meanings of everything. That made it so special for them, and them alone. Words that acted as clutches and acted as a changing point in a life full of pain and horror. In a life of utter and complete suffering, that there was something on the horizon in the future.

She doubted it. So, she would act how she always did, burying those feelings alive and continuously letting they die. Suffocating them as she moved the dirt to cover them, six foot was such a small gap for her feelings. It needed to be deeper. Maybe twelve feet but then that felt small too, it was so overwhelming. It was so complex and confusing. Strange even and dizzying. Trying and fighting. Existing and living in such a way and yet, Ena didn’t want it to end she thought.

The pain was an odd comfort, different to that of a knife that slit and cut her skin. The red blood that ran down her pale arms, standing out and being so pretty to watch ooze and fall. Slipping down her arms as she relished and loved the pain. It was self-destructive, suicidal even and she always was. And wanting their relationship to cause her pain was not healthy, but she liked it too much. Pain always made Ena feel better, just a little, just for a moment and she knew it was wrong, but she wasn’t actually dead, and Akito didn’t have to cover up the wounds. So, it was better, right?

It would be, if only she could let them into her heart.

#

“It’s strange,” Mizuki began that night.

It was only them for the evening, Kanade’s maid and a mutual friend of Mafuyu and Kanade had invited them to go out for the evening. They were hesitant, but Mizuki had eagerly encouraged them to go and enjoy life. To have fun and maybe get new music inspiration. To enjoy life. They were very hesitant, but Mizuki’s persistence had convinced them to do so which meant it was only them two together by the end of the evening.

Ena contemplated not working, but considering she knew how badly the other two wanted to work. She decided to suck it up and work to the best of her ability which was simply watching or listening to things and praying she got inspiration.

There was nothing on the canvas, but when was there really? She always struggled with art and merely persisted with spite in her heart and anger in her bones. Indignation and hatred that kept her going, yearning to prove Shinei and everyone else wrong.

It didn’t work, and often she failed with the deadlines K had set for them as she twiddled her pencils aimlessly. At least, however she had picked out a colour palette whilst scrolling social media, contemplating posting some old pictures for likes to try and get something, any attention she wanted and needed. Craved to give her some inspiration and any ability to do whatever she wanted to do. But she didn’t, she held back and sat spinning in her chair.

“What’s strange?” Ena asked, not wanting to deal with Mizuki.

“It being just us,” Amia countered. “It’s… nice.”

“You sound like you’re being held at gunpoint.”

“You’re a scary person when pissed.”

Ena rolled her eyes and then she remembered Mizuki was unable to see it so she elected to huff loudly and overdramatically.

“Have you done any work?”

“Are you accusing me of being last?!”

“Enanan, if I was teasing you, you would know. I’m asking because I’ve done fuck all,” Mizuki admitted softly, and Ena sighed.

“What have you been typing the whole time?”

“I was messaging Rui, an old friend. And played games,” Mizuki explained. “I know it’s often only just us talking but it’s odd without K or Yuki. I feel like there’s no longer that distance or concern.”

“Is there any point in us being here right now?” Ena asked, getting up and grasping a pillow, tucking her knees up to her chest and resting her feet on her chair. She placed the pillow on her knees and rested her cheeks on it listening to Mizuki and their nails on their desk, the clicking and clacking on the keyboard.

“Work wise, no.”

“But?”

“But… I get to mess with you for longer and tease you!”

Ena scoffed and rolled her eyes. “You’re utterly unbearable.”

“You love me for it.”

“I really don’t. You’re arrogant and boastful.”

“Enanan, you wound me! Seriously, I wonder what your followers would think of you if they found out you were like this…”

“Mizuki, I swear to fucking God. Don’t you ruin my social media image,” Ena hissed, getting close to the microphone and Mizuki burst out into complete and utter laughter. It was ringing in Ena’s ears and her blood was boiling.

How could she even like them?

“Alright, alright, I won’t. I like seeing your social media posts and your editing. It’s good, I didn’t realise it for a while.”

“You are so insulting; do you have any manners?!”

“For K and Yuki? Yes. For you, Enanan…” they trailed off laughing. “You’re just so easy to rile up. It’s nice to make you flustered.”

Ena placed down her pencil and said nothing in the silence. Mizuki hummed down the microphone and the distance was obvious, Mizuki had thought they had overstepped a boundary and maybe they had because Ena was simply drained. It was so repetitive day in and day out, they bonded, and they went to Jellystualy and they did whatever, but it was so similar to other days.

Were they so incapable of being genuine when people were not suffering? Possibly.

“Do you ever wish things in life were different?” Ena asked, it was strange for her to be so thought provoking. Mizuki would probably combat this and say that she simply was finally using her head and that in and of itself was strange, but they didn’t. They remained silent as they tried to wrap their head around what Ena wanted to ask, what she wanted to say.

Ena couldn’t continue, staying quiet. There was no way she was able to verbalise what she wanted. No way for her to figure out what to say and how to express it properly and clearly.

“All the time. I used to pray that they were, but God had long forsaken me and there can be no way for him to exist in this world with how this world and my life is. So, I no longer wish, and I live each day how I do,” Mizuki replied softly. Quietly.

They were hesitant, it was raw too. Like they were finally speaking from the heart and letting something out of them, something that Ena perked up to be able to grasp at to prove that they had a heart. That they felt emotions and that there was something wrong.

It faded as soon as it happened. They laughed loudly and it was hollow, as awful as nails scratching on a black board. “That’s a little too deep and dark. It’s more like I just live how I do and, I’m happy. I’m happy teasing you like this, I’m happy liking your posts and I like this. We’re… friends, right?”

Ena frowned and she wanted to hang her head. “Don’t you wish for change? For a reprieve?”

“I’m content with my life how it is. Don’t you go all sappy on me Enaemon~~~ I wonder how Kanade and Yuki would react to this!”

Ena huffed aloud again but said nothing more. Instead, letting Mizuki take the lead because they were taking the lead in the conversation. Ruling over it and directing them the way they wanted it, away from their heart and she engaged with it. Easily so. But she wanted something more.

At least, she could say this.

She had found a chink in their armour and in the perfect, vivid picture they had carefully curated. How did Ena not realise this before that evening? That their perfection was their whole life, the persona that they created to keep people believing that they were close, that they knew their heart, but they didn’t. In reality, they were so far away. Watching and wanting to get closer but never knowing how because they too disappeared like MEIKO.

She wanted to get to know them, to get closer to them and to reach into their heart. To change her mundane days into something more, something brighter and better. Something prettier for her to watch and admire, spinning around happily and giddily. To hold onto their laughter, the light of the world and not lose herself in those swirling and tempting depths of darkness. Her depression and desperation.

She was suffering too, but maybe their pain could match, and she hoped that Mizuki would realise it. Connecting their pain like best friend necklaces and maybe, there was something more and better in the world.

And, hopefully, her heart would no longer beat that way. This gleeful way whenever Mizuki laughed and was honest, whenever they turned their head and hummed, holding their face in their hand. Whenever they tipped their head back and the light framed their face just right. Just so perfectly that made her feel like she was flying and free.

She hoped that it would be a new day for them and her feelings. For their friendship. For their work. For something more as they walked down the same road, hopefully hand in hand and, every day, she was always dreaming this. Laughing and smiling each day since joining Nightcord because of Mizuki and she wanted to repay the favour. She just needed the opportunity to slip in and help.

She had to be patient, and that was strange and weird for Ena. Someone so impulsive and bright, someone who gravitated to acting before thinking, before considering consequences. Saying what was on her mind and in her heart often in anger. But she realised, in that moment that Mizuki was too quick. They realised their mistake and instantly work to cover it up, to convince her (and possibly themselves) that that had not happened and was a figment of the imagination. A dream. A made-up conversation and sentence. She needed to be patient and not act too hastily because they would run away, retract like a cat and disappear into the night.

Once they went too far. The light would be gone, and the depths of despair would swallow them whole.