Chapter Text
"How about you stop acting as a kid and get a life for once?!"
Jake gasped at that, unsure as to why he was being attacked like that by his own family. But even in his headspace, he could understand those words.
So he stopped doing it for a long time. He managed to get a shot at a survival show, and he even debuted with the company. His family was finally proud of him, and so was he, yet the part of himself that he had to kill to achieve these things was aching to resurface.
And it did eventually. The song had been in Jake's playlist since its release, but it hadn't caused him trouble before. It scared him, because, even if he had missed being little, things had changed and he was no longer on the solitude of his room in Australia. He was in a dorm full of other guys his age and younger, who would definitely find out his fixation with Tayo weird.
After that close call with 'Hey Tayo', he tried to avoid any contact with children content, nursery ryhmes and even plushies. At the end, there was only so much one could do in the entertainment world and culture where aegyo existed. He had always loved to act childish, especially to win the other's attention. However, it was becoming something risky.
They were preparing for a comeback and were back recording EN-O'CLOCK, so he promised himself he would be careful.
Until he wasn't.
"Finally home!" Niki cheered as he and the other maknaes made their way to the living room. "What are you doing hyung?"
"I was just scrolling through tiktok." Jake laughed as the taller dropped himself on the couch. They loved playing and bickering like siblings, and Jake thought he could use that as a distraction from the nursery rhyme which invaded his brain all day since he woke up.
"No, no-" Niki competed to have his legs over Jake's and they soon started pushing each other in a playful manner.
"Careful, you'll hurt him," Jay warned, waking up from his nap as soon as he heard Jungwon was home.
Jake frowned, "he's not a baby anymore-"
"I meant the other way around."
Jungwon and Sunoo laughed along as Niki won over their fight, managing to hold Jake down with just one leg. "You are the baby," the Japanese boy mocked, not knowing the effects his words would have on Jake's mind space.
"No," the older muttered, overwhelmed with that tingling sensation on his chest. It was like electricity running through his body. Like the feeling you have before sneezing. Having to supress that was easier said than done when Niki's height made him feel so small.
"Yes you are," Niki held his arms with one hand and pet his hair and neck with the other, "our small baby."
"Stop," Jake warned. But his week had been too long.
They practiced long hours and Heeseung hyung made a great effort to ensure they could have this comeback, so Jake spent extra time perfectioning his dance and learning the songs. Besides, this morning after practice the company ran out of hot water, and Jake had to shower in freezing cold water. He simply couldn't go back to the dorm all sweaty.
Being sleepy with the air conditioning on and Niki's warm body covering him was his breaking point.
Jake had an enormous feeling of relief. Slipping was like finally being able to scratch an annoying itch.
He wasn't completely aware that it happened. It was like drowsing off, and he couldn't recognize if it was a dream or if he was still awake.
Sunoo walked to Jay, taking the older's phone. "Then let's order exactly the same as last week. Heeseung hyung will wake up at any moment, and Sunghoon's schedule should have finished by now."
Jake looked at them with curiosity. This was the first time his little self appeared around the members. It was hard to focus on their words so he just stared directly at them as they discussed and placed an order.
"Jake, are you okay?"
Jake looked at Jay and smiled, "Jay."
"Yes?"
"Jay," he nodded, proud to know one of their names. There was a familiarity on them that made him feel at ease. His little was used to English, but Korean would have to do. "Hungry."
Jungwon frowned with amusement, "we all are, hyung."
"No. Jake." He pointed at himself, trying to correct the leader. "Jake."
Niki sat up, "what?" They were all confused because the determination on Jake's eyes didn't match with the pointless repetition of his name. "We.. know who you are."
"You do?" Jake smiled, his little felt relief thinking they were aware of his situation. Jake should have been more careful. Probably Jake should have told at least one of them about his age regression.
And Jake shouldn't have thrown himself to hug Niki and babble hyung against his chest.
The maknae stared at him in horror, keeping his hands away from the shorter as Jay quickly got up to check on Jake.
"Jake, are you okay? Is this a joke? Is this a mission for a variety show?" The oldest placed a hand on Jake's back, and the little only laughed, hiding his face on Niki's shirt.
"Silly."
Jay gasped at his answer. The way he was behaving was completely uncharacteristic of him, and it was starting to freak out the others. "Jake, what is happening? This is Niki, not a hyung."
Jake sat up without letting go of the hug. He was now on the maknae's lap which surprised everyone. Although he wasn't against skinship, such closeness wasn't usual. "Not?"
"Okay, enough. This isn't even funny, hyung; it's weird." Jungwon stood up, slightly pushing Jake off Niki. That's all it took to snap the Australian boy out of his headspace.
Jungwon hadn't used much strenght; it's just that Jake was vulnerable. He thought he was safe with big Jake's friends around.
"Sorry," he muttered, getting up as fast as possible and locking himself up in the room he shared with Jay. "Idiot, idiot, idiot."
Unfortunately, the older followed him, "Jake, open the door."
There was authority in his voice and it scared Jake. His mind was unstable as he had just regressed and the emotions started to overwhelm him.
He didn't answer back, hoping that somehow Jay would forget about it.
Hoping everyone would forget whatever had just happened.
"If you don't open the door, I'll call the manager." The treath wasn't that scary, but having someone else involved made Jake anxious. So he opened the door.
"Yes?"
"Yes? What do you mean with yes? What was that? What kind of weird joke was that?"
"Uh, I don't know."
The older walked in, closing the door behind. "I could expect that from Jungwon or even from Sunghoon, but this isn't you. Are you high? Did you smoke or-"
"It was just a joke, a bad joke, hyung." Jake was upset now.
The silence was not awkward, it was tense. Jake really needed to be alone. Jay stared at him, trying to break him down. After a moment, he gave up, leaving the room and leaving a shaky Jake behind.
After that afternoon, things turned awkward.
Niki wasn't as playful as usual, the other '02 liners would hang out without him, and Heeseung—who was eventually updated by the others— kept his distance. The oldest even started skipping their ramyeon nights.
Jake felt angry at himself, at his little for crossing the line with his members. He was furious.
Later on, they were all at an almost empty McDoland's after some schedules when he felt a new urge to switch. It was scary at first but that rage helped him subdued it long enough. Not so strong to prevent him from ordering the happy meal, though. "It couldn't have been worse, just stop."
He intended to whisper that to himself, but it was loud enough for Sunoo, who was now staring at him with a puzzled semblance. "Are you okay?"
"Ah.. yes. Sorry, intrusive thoughts."
"Okay..." The younger smiled slightly, going back to his meal.
Jake had been doing so well these two past days, trying to recover his members' trust by not acting any close to childish. It was tough.
"-and I want to do a craft. I think the fans would like that." Jungwon was talking about the next live they had scheduled.
Jake, unfortunately, had been assigned to it too. The downside mainly was that he would be thirdwheeling for Jay and Jungwon. His relationship with Jay was still failing, worse than with the others. Jake just couldn't get over the fact that Jay thought he was on drugs.
"What type of crafts?" Niki asked, shoving fries into his mouth.
"Don't speak with your mouth full, Riki." Jay scolded the maknae. However, it made Jake's heart pound faster.
"Like.. painting a candle, or building a shelf, I don't know. Something useful that encourages Engene to do it themselves too."
Sunoo pouted, "how cute. I would like to join you but I have lessons."
Jake wanted to add something. He had been quiet the whole day and it was ruining his tiny progress. However, he feared more his impulses. He wanted Sunoo to call him cute too, and even if it was a bit sadistic, he wouldn't mind if Jay scolded him in that fatherly tone too.
Not the one he used the other day.
"Why did you order that, Jake?" Sunghoon randomly asked, not intending to make it their main topic. However they were all now expecting an answer.
"Uh, I wasn't that hungry."
"Then can I have your-"
"No!" He reached to grab the purple car from Niki's hand.
Heeseung interrupted, "are you seriously yelling over a Hot Wheels?"
Niki shoved it back with a scowl, "whatever. it's just a stupid toy. Such a baby."
Jake was on a call with his mom and, as usual, she reminded him of the dangers of his past. She said that if he dared to go back to his childish tendencies, he would get fired and mess up all their invested efforts.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
"I got to go, mom."
"Whatever."
As soon as she hung up, he cried. He had felt lonely before, but this was ridiculous. The comfort provided by his members hadn't come back yet, and he truly feared it never would.
And that was from one tiny slip. They would definetly kick him out of the group if they were to find out the whole truth.
"Fuck this," he tossed his pillow into the bed and opened his underwear drawer. In it, at the very back, he had an onesie pajama that they were given in a past schedule. They all kept it, but no one used theirs.
His was obviously a puppy onesie and although it wasn't as soft and fluffy as he would have liked it, it was enough.
Jay went out with Jungwon to get supplies for their live —or probably went out on a date—, and the others were probably in their rooms or had schedules. So he locked the door and changed into the onesie.
"You are not to blame, little Jake," he whispered to himself as he began building a fort between his and Jay's bed with all their available pillows, plushies and blankets. "I'm sorry, you are not to blame. I'll be fine no matter what."
That habit started back in Australia when his mother lashed at him for being little. He didn't have anyone's comfort, thus he would write, record, or say comforting words to himself so his little could be at peace and feel reassured.
These past days he felt like he had betrayed that part of him by being angry at himself. He would deal with the situations eventually. What he needed right now was to relieve a bit of that pressure, to get rid of some anxiety and stress.
It wasn't dark outside, but it was heavily cloudy and that was enough to keep the room quite dark. The blankets he placed on the floor were cushiony and the pillows surrounding him provided him security. It was a shelter, an improvised fort that soon brought his little out.
The regression happened progressively, and he accidentaly fell asleep in the middle of it.
Almost and hour passed when the sound of the door trying to be opened woke him up. His trick had worked and the nap he took on his little head space seemed to relax his entire body. If only he had set an alarm.
"Damn it, Jake. Open the fucking door now."
"Maybe he's asleep, hyung."
"I don't care, Jungwon. He has to stop doing this— Jake, open the door!"
He stumbled to get up, noticing how it was now raining outside. Maybe that's why they came back so early. "Sorry," he apologized as soon as the door swang open.
"Jake hyung, were you asleep?" Jungwon asked in a gentle voice. Before he could nod or say yes, Jay got in.
"What the heck is this?"
"It's just a fort."
"A fort? What are you, eight?"
More like five, he wished he could answer.
"Jay," Jungwon warned, dropping honorifics and stepping in to examine the room. "Why did you make a fort, Jake hyung?"
"Because... I used to build them back in Australia. I guess I felt homesick."
"You guess? Or you did—" Jay scoffed. "Are you wearing a onesie?"
Jake looked down, not feeling awake enough from his regression to argument on it. "Yes."
Jay wasn't having it. "What is this behavior, Jake? You were not like this before."
The Australian boy looked at Jungwon, hoping he could intervene in his favor. The leader was simply frowning, and Jake didn't know if he was upset as well, or only extremely confused.
Jungwon cleared his troath, "it's fine, hyung. It's not a big deal."
"Oh but it is! Like- the way you were talking like a baby and playing with Niki? The happy meal? And now this?"
Jake's heart raced, "what do you care? Mind your own business." He tried to snap back, to be firm and stand his ground. However his words sounded slightly stuttered and his voice was too low to appear steady.
"I think it's my business when you keep locking yourself in our room."
"Well maybe I just need alone time."
"To act like a child? You are twenty years old, dude."
"Yes, Jay! Maybe I want to act like a kid. Gosh, it's not like I'm commiting murder."
Jay looked around and then seemed to have pieced it together. "Is this... like an age play kink or-"
Jake couldn't take it anymore. Assuming he was consuming drugs was one thing. Guessing that his regression was sexual, that was too much for him.
He felt furious. If he was in another mind set, he would have hit Jay. All he could do in that moment was push him repeteadly with his surprisingly weak strenght as his eyes filled with tears. "You're an idiot, you'll never understand, you don't-."
Jay didn't like that and grabbed a hold of his forearms. "Stop," his tone was cold and threatening, managing to scare that little inside of Jake as they struggled.
"Hyungs, please don't fight— I'm serious Jay, let go of him."
"Won," Jake managed to escape the older and went to Jungwon's side, "it's not sexual. It isn't, please don't think I'm like that."
"It's okay, hyung." Even though the leader was confused he knew better than assuming. "Jay shouldn't have said that." The older got annoyed by both and tried to leave the room, but Jungwon stopped him and made sure the door was closed. "We solve this here and now, okay?"
Jake's belly hurt from the anxiety and he feared he could slip again at Jungwon's maternal attitude. This is what he needed, even if there was tension, he had longed for people like this for years. "Okay," the Australian boy whispered, staying really close to the leader.
"Not with that childish behavior-"
"Jay." There was authority in Jungwon's voice, so firm that they didn't even notice the lack of honorifics.
Jay nodded, keeping his gaze down. Jungwon asked them to sit down, and both were walking to their own beds when Jungwon stopped them. "In the fort, please."
"Inside?" Jay almost laughs, upset and confused as to why Jungwon was acting in favor of Jake instead of him.
"Yes."
Jungwon allowed Jake to get in first, following behind and sitting right beside him to leave space for Jay. When he finally joined them, Jungwon turned to Jake.
"Hyung. I have noticed you look stressed these days, and some of the members approached me to ask if I knew anything about it. They have also noticed that sometimes your behavior is.. different."
Jake only nod his head.
"It's not that there's— a new side of me. It's just that I was supressing it before." He confessed with calm after a moment in silence. "I know I act childish," he looked down, wishing he could reach for a plushie to entertain his hands.
"Supressing it?" Jay asked, no longer angered.
"Yes, because... It's not a part of my personality. It's a coping mechanism where I-"
He couldn't continue for a moment. He was too tired to be big and mature and explain with grown up words. His lower lip wobbled slightly and Jungwon worried.
"Coping mechanism.. from a trauma?"
Jake nodded again. He didn't want to go back to those memories. He didn't want to say it aloud ever again.
"Could you explain more?" Jay asked, placing a hand over Jake's when he shook his head. "Could you tell us if we can help?"
"It's not sexual," Jake repeated, big eyes looking for understanding on his friends'.
Jay regretted his words. The way Jake insisted wasn't out of resentment. It seemed to be something he had to explain in his past. Something he had been told several times before.
"You're right, I act like a child. It's called regression, and mine is not voluntary. It just happens."
Jungwon reached to hold his other hand, "so... you become a kid?"
"Not quite. I... I think like one, I go back to when I was around six years old... my dexterity... I can't move my muscles as I do now. It also affects my speech, but I keep my memories."
Jay frowned, taking his hand away.
Jungwon was the first one to snap out of the initial shock. "Why does this happen? Is it normal?"
Jake didn't want to keep talking. The blankets beneath them were cushiony and warm, and the rain outside still pattered against their window like background music. It was perfect to continue napping.
"I'm normal." His mind was starting to slip, and he knew it. But avoiding it was too hard. It was like trying to stay awake during a boring lecture or a long movie at midnight. "I am... It helps me."
"I don't understand- how can you.. go back to being a kid? I thought you meant acting childish... You literally go back to their mindset?"
"Silly," Jake called him in a whisper as his eyes became heavy with sleep and his little took mostly over. "I don't need help. I'm big enough, don't worry."
"Don't wo-" Jay scoffed, "don't worry? This is so not normal, Jake, how can you tell us not to worry? Have you gone to the doctor? It must be something you can fix!"
"Stop it," Jungwon watched carefully how Jake reacted to the older's words. "You are not helping, hyung. Could you try to be more sensible?"
Jake slid even closer to Jungwon and linked their arms together. The leader gave him a sense of security, while the older was making him edgy.
"I'm not trying to attack him, okay? It's just that this is all too complicated. Jake—" this time he saw the way Jake shrinked at his voice. He was startled. "Jakey," his voice turned softer, "I'm trying to understand."
"You don't have to. It's my secret."
And with that, the little got tired of trying to be big. He grew physically tired from trying to strain his mind long enough to answer.
So he turned to rest his head on Jungwon's wide shoulders. The room was getting a bit cold due to the arriving night so he relished on the younger's warmth.
Jay stared at them, amazed at how quickly Jungwon accepted whatever this was. "Not so secret anymore," he murmured, reaching behind him to grab one of the pillows. He passed it to Jungwon, and the leader took it for himself.
Jungwon carefully laid down both of them so Jake could get into a more comfortable position. The Australian boy didn't want to leave his shoulder, and there was nothing Jungwon could do but welcome him on his embrace.
"I don't know what this is, Jay hyung. But I'm not giving up on him just because I'm scared."
The oldest nodded, getting closer to pet Jake's hair, attentive at how peaceful he looked while falling asleep.
"You fell asleep," Jungwon finally managed to wake Jay up after trying to do so for some minutes.
"Sorry," he muttered, turning to peck the younger's face and realising it wasn't Jungwon the one on his arms. "What—"
Jungwon, who was sitting up beside Jake, covered his mouth to avoid laughing out loud. "He woke up and said something about you being cold, so he moved to hug you."
"Jake..." Jay frowned because Jake had never been like this with him. "Baby Jake?"
"I don't know if I would call him baby Jake... babies don't talk and he was doing so. Although he did sound like a toddler. It definetly is that regression he was talking about."
"Oh. Okay, that's... okay I guess."
"Good. I'll go get something to eat because it's almost midnight and I'm hungry."
"Wait, what about me?"
Jungwon shrugged, "take care of the kid? I'll make sure there's something for you two. I think the others ordered food but I don't want them to find out about this without Jake's consent, so make sure he stays here, please."
Jay stared as the leader left the room. He stayed still, trying not to think too much about how Jake's soft breathing was warm against his shoulder. He loved his friends, they were the most important people for him, but this was completely different.
He was used to seeing Jake as his same age friend. This was hard to process, but to his surprise, it wasn't hard to accept.
If Jake needed this, then there was no reason why they should be against it. He regreted his attitude towards the younger these past days. Even if he wasn't aware of the situation back then.
He blindly looked reached for his phone with his free hand, and gladly found it on his pocket. The screen was too bright for the dark room, but he needed to do research.
Twenty minutes passed before he noticed Jake was waking up.
"Hyung."
"Hey, sorry, did I wake you up?"
Jake shook his head, and since he kept it on Jay's shoulder, the oldest guessed he was still on his headspace.
"No more sleep." Jake's English was strongly Australian and confirmed that he woke up on the little headspace. "'m hungry."
Jay felt a bit awkward and somehow shy to be in the presence of this Jake. How was he supposed to act? How was he supposed to talk to his friend?
"Jungwonie is going to bring us food, just wait."
Jake sat up, looking around and giggling at the fort around them. "Dark," he shivered, going back to lay half on top of Jay. "You're Jay?"
The older nodded, trying to smile. "Jay hyung."
Jake giggled again at that and the other laughed along. This Jake was even more cheery and bubbly than their regular Jake. How could anyone ever lash at him for being like this? So far he seemed well behaved.
"Hey guys," Jungwon opened the door and turned Jay's nightstand lamp on to find his way into the fort. "Jake, do you want some tteokbokki? Or a hamburguer?"
"Burger!" he sat up once again and stared curiosly at Jungwon, "you're pretty."
The leader blushed all over, not knowing how to react. "Thank you... and you are cute."
Jake covered his face with both hands, chuckling but quickly forgetting that in favor of eating. They observed how he grabbed the plate and struggled to hold the burger on his hands. It was messy and he almost let it fall a couple of times.
"Here, let me help you," Jay intervened. It wasn't really hard, and for some reason it felt almost natural to him.
Jungwon smiled fondly at both. Seeing Jay feed Jake wasn't what he expected to happen any time soon, but he was liking it. "Jay, eat some tteokbokki."
"What about you?" Jay asked, cleaning Jake's chin from ketchup with a napkin.
"I already ate," Jungwon nodded, handing a glass with water to Jake. "Hey Jake, are you thirsty?"
The little nodded but dind't hold the glass, "I can't."
"Why not?" Jungwon frowned, leaving the water aside because he noticed how Jake's enthusiasm dissapeared completely.
"I'm dumb. Break things."
"What? No you're not," Jungwon shared a glance with Jay. "Hmm... How old are you?"
"Old."
"Sure," Jay's voice was soft, "but, in numbers? Do you know how old you are?"
Jake pouted, fidgeting with his hands and eventually showing them one of them. "Five?" Jungwon almost scoffed when Jake nodded. "It's normal that you break things then, because you are learning," he said before he could reflect on how weird that statement was in reality.
Jake's pout deepened in thought, "I can behave."
The way he made an effort to convince them of that, was confusing. Yes, Jay had scolded him these past days, but it was before knowing the context. After he changed into that mindset, they had been nothing but sweet to him and he knew it.
This had to be something he went through in the past.
"We know you can," Jay petted his hair. "Don't worry, if it breaks, we'll clean it. Okay?"
Jake nodded hesitantly and held the glass with both hands. His movements were slow and careful, almost frigthened despite their reassurances.
"Hey Jake, look at this," Jay fetched his tablet and opened Disney to play something for the little when he finished his food. "Do you want to watch a movie?"
Jake looked between them, and accepted with a small smile, "okay. Nemo, please."
Once he was comfortable against the pillows, Jay asked Jungwon to follow him outside for a moment.
"What is it?"
"While you were gone I made some research, that's why I ask him how old he was. And if he's five years old during his headspace then we should treat him as such."
"I haven't taken care of a five year old ever. What are we supposed to do?"
"It can't be that hard, right? It seems like we handled it fine just now."
"Are we even supposed to? For what he said he's done this before on his own, how do we know if he wants us here-"
"Wonie, I don't think anyone wants to do something like this alone. And, Jake's never liked being alone."
"I know but... what if we are crossing a line, I feel like we forced him to share this."
Jay shook his head, "he needs a care taker," he pointed to his phone referring to the small research he did. "We can learn, and we can help him."