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How Do I un-love you?
The day after their breakup, Jimin held it in. He didn’t cry. He silently walked away after confronting him, resisting the urge to look back, a little hopeful that he will give chase and stop Jimin in his tracks, stop him from leaving, stop him from completely ending what they have built for five long years.
He didn’t
Two days after the breakup, Jimin was devoid of emotions. His friends took notice of this when they went out for dinner. The Jimin they know would’ve already been on the floor from laughing too hard or spewing out nonsense or collaborating with Taehyung to do the most random of acts. But that night; he was lifeless. Staring into nothing, distracted, his replies comes in short hums and whispers. Jimin opted to leave early that night, not wanting to alert them any further of the welling emotions inside him that was threatening to burst.
He couldn’t handle it, the way he was seated in front of an empty seat. His friends were surely expecting him to arrive soon. But Jimin didn’t want any of it. He doesn’t want to wait for him to arrive. It’ll only break him further.
A week after the breakup, Jimin stopped contacting his friends. Convincing himself that they don’t need to know about this. Being in one circle, avoiding him would be impossible. Jimin knows how active his friends are, and how much they love spending time with each other, even if it was just the usual “limbs sprawled, connected to each other as they sit in a small apartment living room together watching Hoseok’s favorite series or Jungkook’s massive collection of Anime”
He’ll miss them. But Jimin needs time, time until the wounds in his heart heals. Time until he can look at him directly in the eye and not look for any traces of the love that once gave meaning to his existence.
Two weeks after the breakup, Jimin cried for the first time. Alone in their once shared apartment. The small space they called sanctuary mocked him, every nook and corner of their once shared bedroom reminded him of what once were his happy days. He would be sitting in his desk, hunched over while working with pencil on hand. Jimin would be seated next to him, head rested at his shoulder as he watches the way his forehead creases as he analyzes the contents on the paper. He would always notice how Jimin is focused on watching him work. Flashing a gummy smile to Jimin’s direction, he would lean in to give a small chaste kiss on Jimin’s lips, making the latter melt at the sweet gesture.
Jimin remembers waking up to the smell of vanilla. His nosed pressed up against a sturdy chest and a pair of arms pulling him in by the waist. A groggy, “Goodmorning sunshine” that drives him to start the day with a smile, most often ending with both of them staying in bed all day, watching sitcoms together; Jimin leaning against his chest as he steals kisses every other while.
Everything in the room, from the stuffed Panda sitting together with a grumpy looking brown Bear, each holding a Polaroid film of a picture that seems to be connected to each other, two boys holding up half a heart at the edge of the film to make one whole heart when they connect. To the sticky notes hanging on to the wall opposite to the bed, filled with random sweet words. To the sliding closet that is half empty, Jimin’s clothes hanging cold by itself.
These hold memories among themselves, ones that Jimin couldn’t let go.
But they’re all just memories now.
Jimin saw flashbacks into the recent fights they’ve had. Often starting with Jimin complaining animatedly to him about how his priorities changed, or how he doesn’t exert much effort into giving back what Jimin has given him. Jimin wasn’t greedy, he wasn’t asking for too much. He wasn’t asking him for material things, he wasn’t asking him for this and that. Jimin was merely asking him to give back what he deserves. The love that he had wholeheartedly given.
“You forgot about our plans tonight” “I waited up, I thought we could eat dinner together” “I miss you, we barely spend time together anymore” “It was our anniversary today, I thought that maybe you’d want to go out tonight?” Jimin remembers how he practically begged him. But he never made it up to Jimin.
He never knew about the sleepless nights Jimin endured alone, how he almost lost his mind wondering where his significant other is, “why isn’t he home yet?” “please pick up, it’s late, I’m worried” “Please, I’m scared, there’s no one else in the building, I’m home alone”
Days, Weeks, Months would pass. Since their consistent fights, their interactions dwindled down.
Their once lively apartment filled with laughter, filled with smiles, filled with stories, filled with life. Gone.
Mornings spent where they would share a single plate, often messing up the entire breakfast. Gone
Nights wherein they would whisper sweet nothings into each other’s ears, contented with just having each other in their arms. Gone
Communication reduced to simple texts messages, nothing more nothing less. Affectionate actions replaced with fire in the form of words that was thrown back against each other until Jimin decided it wasn’t right anymore. Until Jimin decided he couldn’t hurt any further. Until it finally broke Jimin.
He didn’t even try to fix me.
A month after the breakup, Jimin kept himself busy with work. Often staying the night at the dance studio where he teaches. He found himself in another outbreak. The small studio, surrounded by mirrors was nothing but thorns that reels back in the familiar pain he sees back at home.
He remembers him staring intently as Jimin dances to the routine he came up with to a song that he would teach to his student. He sees shadows of the same gummy grin, the droopy eyes, and the blonde fringes that almost cover his eyes at the corner of the room. He would always be the first one to applaud to Jimin. The first one to praise him of doing a good job, and “How can you be so fucking perfect Park Jimin” in which the latter would shy away, cheeks flushed as he hides his face from the blades of the former’s shoulder.
He was always the one who scolded Jimin. Scolding him for the meals he skipped, for being insecure about the littlest of things he finds wrong, for the way Jimin compares himself to Jin who the dancer considers to be so handsome. Jimin was that kind of person. He only sees his flaws, wherein he would sing nothing but praises directed to Jimin.
Jimin looked at his reflection at the wall of mirrors, gritting his teeth as he sees the same insecurities that consume him every time he sees his reflection. It was always him who saved Jimin from himself. It was always him who chanted “You’re beautiful baby” to Jimin like a mantra to soothe the latter’s deflating ego.
Jimin shook so hard that night he passed out cold from exhaustion. It was a student of his who found Jimin on the floor, shirt drenched in what seems to be a mixture of his tears and sweat.
Two months after the breakup, Taehyung bumps into Jimin for the first time since he started ignoring his friends’ calls. Jimin was a mess; his once plump cheeks were replaced with sharper features. Dark circles were evident below the dancer’s eyes. His demeanor stayed, always the usual muscular stature, but it was obvious that he drastically lost weight. Taehyung was puzzled at the behavior of his best friend. Jimin struggled to smile weakly, eyes longing; looking into a distance as if he was searching for something. Taehyung watched as Jimin continued walking, not even muttering a word to Taehyung who was left behind, panicking at the state of his beloved friend.
Taehyung followed Jimin back to his apartment, surprised to find out that the latter has been living alone during the time that they haven’t heard from him. Taehyung assessed the situation with utter sensitivity, refraining from mentioning the name that he knew would cut deeper into the wounds of the fragile being beside him.
Taehyung stayed in that night. Not a single word was heard from Jimin.
Four months has passed after the breakup, Jimin’s condition worsened. He locked himself away from society, further indulging himself into depression as the walls cry out in pain in line with his suffering.
Taehyung promised to keep the news from everyone, as long as Jimin promises he would let the former sleep in to keep an eye on him. Taehyung would skip out on meeting his friends as well, deciding that if his best friend wasn’t there, he doesn’t want to either.
Lately Jimin has been waking up in the dead of the night, bawling, crying his heart out as he relieves from his dreams the night that he mustered up the courage to confront him about what was on his mind. That night that he let Jimin walk away.
Regret filled the young dancer’s mind as he recalls how selfish his actions were. He was always the vocal one in their relationship; he was always the one who pours his entirety into words. But he was never the one who displayed any distaste in the status of their relationship. If Jimin was upset, or having troubles with him, his frustrations were always disregarded, often it was Jimin who simply lets it go. But Jimin can only take so much.
“I don’t need just words. If that’s all you have for me, then you’d better go”
What if Jimin never said those words? What would they be now? Would they still be happy? Would Jimin still be happy? Being in a one-sided relationship, would it suffice? Would it be enough to keep him happy?
Six months after the breakup, Jimin finally acknowledged Taehyung’s presence. The latter breaking into tears as he finally hears something else other than sobs and whimpers from his best friend. Taehyung, the person that he is, tried his very best to cheer Jimin up. Bribing Jimin out of his outbursts that he’ll buy the latter’s favorite snacks, and promising him that he’ll buy those pair of sneakers Jimin has been dying to get his hands on.
The celebration was short lived, as Jimin once again broke into yet another set of outbursts, this time Taehyung could barely make out fragments of words. “He didn’t love me enough to make me stay” was the last Taehyung could understand before he himself broke down to sympathize with his friend.
Jimin doesn’t deserve this. Nobody deserves this. And from the way he cries out is enough for Taehyung to fully understand what Jimin endured. This wasn’t Jimin. This wasn’t his childhood friend who was all smiles and laughs. This wasn’t the best friend he knew who was stronger than anyone else, who would always lift up their spirits in times of depression.
And although Taehyung couldn’t bring himself to hate the one responsible for breaking his best friend; he swore to never leave Jimin’s side until he could revert back to his usual self. Taehyung would talk to Jimin all night, whispering “I love you”’s and “You’re the bestest friend anyone could ever have” and “You owe me a lot for this Chimchim” as he hugs Jimin, hoping to at least piece together the broken shards in his arms that was once his best friend.
Seven months after the breakup, Taehyung feels relieved that Jimin was finally eating his meals. The last outburst from Jimin took a big toll on him, his inner self probably decided that it was enough. Jimin can’t live like this, he can’t let go of himself like this. His mind was tired, he already lost his significant other, he shouldn’t lose himself too.
For the first time after the breakup, Jimin finally smiled at Taehyung’s silly jokes. He laughed at the horrible product of Taehyung’s cooking which the latter exclaimed how Jimin should be thankful he was slaving over just to make sure he gets his nutrition at this very important meal of the day.
Jimin didn’t say anything after muttering a whispered ‘thank you’ to Taehyung as he finishes up his plate. He didn’t say anything, when after eight months he turns on the T.V, the first thing that flashed through the big screen was a candid picture of Jimin lying on his lap, their smiles genuine. The fondness of the way he looks at Jimin as there was a contented smile on the latter’s lips.
Taehyung reacted quickly, snatching the remote control from Jimin then switching to his favorite music channels where he mimicked the artists in the music video. The day was spent with their usual activities when Taehyung used to crash in Jimin’s house back when they were in middle school. Taehyung showing off his talents on singing, acting, and dancing to a Jimin who was unimpressed throughout the mini-showcase.
Nine months after the breakup, Jimin went back to work. He was surprised when his students crowded him. The group of teens and kids greeted him with delight; some were on the verge of tears because they couldn’t believe that Jimin was finally back after a long hiatus.
Jimin didn’t think about him that day. He was too occupied with his class to remember the pain. They kept him happy, they kept him distracted. After class hee ate dinner with his students, and it was a day well spent. After dinner, he was greeted by Taehyung and Jungkook who was already at his apartment with food already served. The two whined about the surprise that Jimin ruined because the latter already ate dinner. The rest of the evening was spent with the three taking turns in a loser-gets-replaced game of Tekken which Taehyung forfeited in the middle because Goddammit I quit, it’s impossible to beat you Jeon Jungkook!
Ten months after the breakup, Jimin decided it was time. He decided ten months was enough for him to finally let go. He decided it’s about time that he starts moving forward, to go on with his life. The five long years he cherished, the scars that he left, they will not be forgotten, but will be a constant reminder that Jimin has to be strong.
Jimin asked help from Taehyung and Jungkook to help him store away his stuff that remained at the apartment. The notes hanging from the wall were taken off, the white wallpaper that Jimin doodled on with smaller versions of them scraped off as well. The drapes that he chose that was perfect to go with their bedroom window was also put in the box. Pictures, silverware, mugs, plates, and all other things he left behind were stored away with the box.
Taehyung didn’t ask why Jimin chose to keep the box tucked in a corner in his apartment, reasoning that he’ll only have to fight the urge to open it again, and once opened the memories stored in them would only find their way back into Jimin’s heart who’s still in the middle of recovery.
Jimin dismissed Taehyung’s worries, and offered his gratitude over the never ending concern his best friend has given him. He is forever grateful to Taehyung who stayed by his side until he could walk on his own two feet again.
A year after the breakup, Jimin was doing well. He finally broke his silence from the group, giving them an overdue explanation on what’s been going on with his life, and why Taehyung and Jungkook chose to keep silent about his absence for ten months. All he said was that he needed time to be alone. Thankful that they didn’t ask any further. It was great. Life was great. His students love him, his friends love him. He was content.
Sure there was this longingness of the warmth that once enveloped his hands, the strong arms that once would be wrapped around his neck, and the sensation of the warm soft lips around his.
He would get over it. Little by little. As they say, time heals all wounds. Ten months was all the push Jimin needed to get back on his feet.
Jimin was greeted by the rays of the sun, conveniently landing on his eyes. Blinded at first, Jimin laughed as he started his day. Bacon and eggs eaten on a plate while a toast was hanging on to his mouth as he suits up to attend his dance class.
Jimin opted to buy coffee to keep himself awake, the night before, Taehyung came over to celebrate his promotion and Jimin barely had enough sleep. Not that he was complaining, any time spent with his best friend is always a time well spent.
And so here he was, in the ungodly hours of the morning, scanning through the usual menu displayed at the coffee shop which has never changed by the way. Jimin finds it funny, he always buys coffee in this shop yet every single time he enters through the glass double-doors he suddenly forgets what he wants.
“I’ll just probably get an iced Caramel Macchiato” Jimin thought, it has always been his favorite.
Jimin was scanning through his wallet to look for the card he bought from the shop a few days ago to get a discount when suddenly he froze as the barista announced the name of the customer who would soon pickup their order.
“One Iced Caramel Macchiato for Yoongi”
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