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I made a terrible mistake. I know it. The moment I let him walk out, it's as if all the colors in the world were stripped from my sight. All I could see was grey. My mind was clouded with anger and frustration. Everything went dull after that night, like the whole world caved in on me. I could've chased after him. I could've apologized, begged him to stay. I could've done something at least to stop it from happening.
But I didn't.
Gone are the days where everything was so perfect that it all felt too unreal. I thought that by leaving Jimin, I could focus on what I thought would be the best thing life has in store for me. I thought I was being too restricted by what we had, it was too much. What we had was too amazing it all felt like a dream, and it feels like I didn't deserve any of it. It felt like I needed something more, I was greedy, I wanted something that wasn't Jimin.
But I realized it too late, that all I ever needed was him.
I had this dream. Someday, people will come to know the name, Min Yoongi. Whether it be on the internet, the tabloids, or broadcasted over the air. I knew that it was my call to be a voice for my generation. All these poor souls, these outcasts, and the never-ending narcissism of the majority.
Music connects to people in ways unimaginable, often it speaks in their stead, it understands them, comforts them in a way that they can relate to, it acts as a voice for the unheard, the silenced, the ignored, things that they normally can't say out loud.
That's how I met him. Park Jimin.
Back then, I was renting out a recording studio with my buddy, Namjoon. One floor below was a dance studio, and that's where he was. All clad in a simple black wifebeater and some baggy shorts, a snapback on his head as he leaned against the mirror, he was catching his breath when he turned sideways, and our eyes locked. He had the prettiest eyes I have ever seen in my life. His skin was perfectly glistening under all that sweat, and when he smiled? I knew I was a goner. The way his eyes disappeared into curves, and I knew that he got me deep.
Not long after that exchange, I was formally introduced to Jimin by Namjoon's friend, Jin as he called himself. Turns out this cousin of Jin is Jimin's bestfriend, and it just so happen to be revealed by this Taehyung kid that Jimin asked about who I am, considering that Jin and Namjoon pretty much roams around the building while I do work at the studio.
It was awkward at first, I didn't want to scare the kid. Conversations were kept minimal, often as stale as small talks, but that didn't stop him from painting the empty canvas of my life. He was just so full of energy, filled with ambition and passion. After a while, Jimin made it a habit that after his dance sessions, he would drop by to the studio, reasoning that it's too early to go home so he'll ask permission if he can hangout for awhile. I'd let him. For obvious reasons. Hey I liked the kid, why would I not want his company?
But as the days passed by, I find myself falling deeper, and deeper, story after story. You really can't judge a book by its cover. This boy is far from the smiling, cheerful kid that he portrays. Underneath that smile is a boy, afraid of the big world and its harsh realities. Beneath those angelic laughs, and sweet voice is a Jimin, who has been through so much. A broken family, an abusive relationship, betrayal from people who I believe doesn't deserve even an ounce of his trust, and judgement that left Jimin with scars he will carry with him forever.
That night.....I will never forget that night in the studio. The way he clung to me as I held him, in hopes to piece together the shards that was once the lively boy I knew as he broke right in front of me. Being with Jimin that night, seeing how much ruin a tragedy can cause to someone, inspired me to write more. About how oppressive this world can get, how the world feels from the perspective of those who hit rock bottom. How twisted it is to be in a society that demands perfection, and denies those who have flaws, the good in life that they deserve.
I saw it, while he was there listening to my music. I was inspired by what I saw. The way that my music was putting him back together, piece by piece. It was then that the dream I had, lined in with my feelings for Jimin. I wanted Jimin to be happy, and I knew I can make that happen. I didn't even know I had it in me, but I gathered the courage to ask him out. Thankful for the heavens above that he agreed to go out with me.
I was nervous at first, who wouldn't be? Jimin is a goodlooking guy, and I have to admit, a pretty face who's got some sick moves on the dance floor can woo anyone with eyes.
But with me, he wasn't Jimin the dancer. He wasn't Jimin, who brings shame to a bubble by being bubblier than it. He wasn't the Jimin who went through hell, and barely made it alive.
He was Jimin, the guy who single-handedly taught me what it is to be in love. The Jimin I like the best, with the way his sweet angelic voice, rings in my ears as he calls out my name to me. His amazing voice, when he sings his favorite songs in the studio that I would never get tired of. The Jimin who easily gets embarrassed when he receives compliments. The Jimin who mustered up the courage, and took the initiative to lock his fingers through mine.
The Jimin, who is the first person I have ever kissed, and will kiss my whole life.
Everything after that was magical, it was too amazing. It almost felt like I was dreaming. I got in touch with this guy who said he'll sign me up on a contract with a record company. Everything happened so quickly, the next thing I know I was producing music. My songs were being played on the radio, artists were singing my compositions on stage. Companies were buying rights to my songs. Even Jimin landed a job as a dance instructor too, his earnings together with mine, we bought a small apartment for ourselves.
My dream was a step closer to being achieved, little by little I was getting there. It was bliss, pure bliss. My circle grew, Jimin's friends and mine got a long surprisingly well, often times we'd hang out together, and as surprised as I am, I didn't know I could tolerate that much people all at once.
The wonders that one Park Jimin could do to me. Everyone was happy, we were happy, Jimin was happy, I was happy.
The best thing about this, is knowing that I have Jimin to love, and Jimin was there to love me back.
I loved how perfect everything was. How I wake up to Jimin sleeping peacefully on my arms. How he whines cutely whenever I would attempt to sit up when he's enjoying his sleep. He loves taking in my perfume, it doesn't seem to wear off, it lasts for days, and not that I'm complaining, I love Jimin's cuddles.
Everything on our apartment was proof of how our love grew.
From the two stuffed bears with each our polaroids on their arms. It was Jimin's idea by the way. I got him those two bears at the arcade, he was laughing at them, saying how funny the coincidence is that it resembles us both.
We also got ourselves a TV that is way huge, and I told him it's gonna give us sore neck muscles if we watched at an elevated angle. But he insists anyway, and I learned to appreciate movie nights even more. Especially when I have Jimin all to myself. Most times the guys come over because Jimin wants to watch a horror movie and that he feels more secured if there are a lot more people around. Some other times Taehyung and Jimin plays this co-op campaign game on our consoles and I can barely get Jimin's attention, for 5 hours.
We've had a steady pace during the first few months of being together in one apartment. But Jimin developed this bad habit of undermining himself. It was during his first month of being an instructor, he felt too incompetent, he felt like he wasn't cut out for the job. I hate it when he thinks he's less of what he really is. I honestly believe that all that he is, is simply perfection. I always used to tell him how beautiful he is, how amazing he is, and how perfect he is. I know he doesn't believe me, I can tell by the way his eyes glisten with the tears he's trying to fight back.
So I made it a habit that every time I woke up, I would write these messages for him in small post-its and I would post them above the wall where he have our pictures pinned. Jimin is very artistic you see, he made this collage with our pictures, on the wall. A few months later, we repainted our bedroom wall to white so it acts as an empty canvas for him. When he wasn't teaching dance, and I wasn't at my studio, I'd be sitting against the bed frame, doing my business, while he doodles on the entire wall. Our bedroom was turned into one big art form. It's another thing I love about Jimin. There's always some new thing to learn about him every day. He grows as a person on a phenomenal level, I even got scared that he'll grow tired of me and look for someone as amazing as him.
He felt that fear, and as if he read my mind, cooed me and dismissed that thought. I trust him. I know he'll never love anyone as he loved me.
Which is why....I feel so fucking stupid for letting something as amazing as what we had slip right under me.
The industry is poison, that, I can safely say right now. A few years in producing music, and it had already affected our relationship.
Guilty as charged, I did neglect Jimin. His worries, his attempts to reach out. I dismissed all of them. Even his habit, I let it get to him. I let him sink into his anxiety, his depression got to him, and I did nothing to save him from it. I had my sights set on something that I thought is a better thing to prioritize. I thought, I didn't have time to worry about us, because I was confident that he'd understand.
I know, I can't blame the stress from work for what I did. It was eye opening. Being promoted, I was at the top of my game. I was getting there, right where I wanted to be.
I was too confident in myself that Jimin will stay where he is in my life under minimal maintenance. I never once thought of the possibility of him wanting to leave, because I know, that when I get back home, he'll always be there, waiting for me.
My dream, it was within reach. I only needed to reach a little bit more, which is why I stepped up my game. I devoted myself into my work. It was like ecstasy, I was addicted to it. The more steps I take up the ladder of success, the more I became distant to Jimin. I was blinded by it all. My ambitions, my dreams took a turn to my own selfish desires. Although my passion stayed, my mind was clouded by greed.
As my deadlines got near every time, there was not a single night that we didn't fight. And with it, our hearts grew more distant with each other. We barely talk, being under the same roof, the silence was deafening. We would eat breakfast together but not a single word to break the silence will be uttered.
Some days Jimin would send a text, some days he would call, leaving a message about how he's worried because I'm not home yet, or that one time when he got scared because no one was in the building and he was all alone. But I was heartlessly ignoring it, the workload was piling one after another I barely had enough in me to assure him from any of his worries.
Eventually it all led to that night, I just finished a meeting with the board. I've received nothing but compliments and congratulatory remarks on how well I did. It was rewarding, at that time. I was on cloud nine, I felt like all the hardships I went through was worth it, and it may as well pay off all the neglect I've caused to Jimin. I was looking forward for the night to end, I wanted to make it up to Jimin. For all the neglect I made him feel. For every fight that we had. I wanted to make it right. I was willing to get down on my knees and ask for his apology, for my behavior, for everything.
But nothing prepared me to hear what Jimin said to me that night.
"I don't need just words, if that's all you have for me, then you'd better go"
I snapped. I didn't know what got into me, I felt attacked. Offended even. Just words? Was that all it is to him? I'm a lyricist, so of course my words are meaningful. I don't just spew out meaningless, and empty words. Every word for me has a value, and he had the audacity to tell me that all I've been giving to him are "just" words? As if I have given him nothing at all?
I was fuming with anger, I was excited to tell him of my achievement that I forgot that I was looking forward to making him feel special again, and what he came up to me with felt like an attack rather than a plea. I swallowed a big lump in my throat that night as I blandly said, "You want me gone? Okay"
I keep hearing what I said, in my head, over and over and over again. The image of Jimin's hurt expression, him walking away from me with his back turned, it's all imprinted in my head. I could've chased after him. I could've done something. But I was too prideful. My ego as a lyricist was hurt, but if I did what I could've done, if only I didn't hold on to my pride as I did back then. Jimin would still be in my life.
It's been a year now. I've strayed away from the group. I told them I'd be overseas for quite some time, and that they shouldn't look for me. I guess it worked and they believed me, because I haven't heard from anyone for quite a long time.
I left my job a month after we broke up, after realizing how much I lost. It's funny. I had all the money I need. I bought a new unit, miles away from Jimin. I tried to reinvent myself, I enrolled in various classes, cooking, photography, painting. I tried all there is to try to keep my mind occupied. But none of it was ever enough to keep me from thinking about Jimin.
It pained me to admit it, but I was no better than the previous ones who hurt Jimin. I was stupid enough to be confident that someone as amazing as him can be treated any less than what he deserves. I was a fool. I had the purest form of happiness in my hand, and I chose to be blinded by a gilded plaque with my name on it.
I guess regret will be my punishment for what I did to you. If I can't make up to you in this life, I will pray to all the gods in heaven, that I be given a chance to, in the next life.
It's been a month since I went back to this neighborhood and there's still no sign of you anywhere. I guess you moved on with your life, huh? I'll be here a while, and I'm still hoping that I'll get to see you again.
Who knows, maybe I'll see you today? I just remembered how much you loved hanging around coffee shops. You always preferred your Caramel Macchiato iced, figured I'd give it a try myself and ordered one.
This is probably my last journal entry. I still don't know if we'll meet again, but if ever we don't. Under certain circumstances, I'm hoping these entries get to you so you can read them.
Just know that I, Min Yoongi, is still, and always will be, deeply, madly, in love with you. Park Jimin
Entry 392, Min Yoongi's Journal. 6:27am. September,2015