Work Text:
His eyes opened in panic. Taking a quick glance around him, he sighed. Of course, he was here yet again.
This tower. This DAMNED tower. Again.
He had been having these kinds of dreams more often recently. Especially since he encountered this man, Dainsleif, in Port Ormos. Except that now he wasn't only dreaming about past and future versions of himself that he would never become, but also about Khaenri'ah. Crumbs of information were flowing in and out of his mind. Buildings falling, people screaming, technology from an era that was the peak of human intelligence, sinners transforming into terrible and mindless monsters... Humans whose new form repulses them once their mask is taken off… His…? people?
All this information was driving him insane. And yet, once he wakes up every morning, it all seems as blurry and far away as a dream. But he knows, somehow, deep down within himself, that these facts were not just mere dreams.
Taking a deep breath, Kaeya looked around the tower, trying to decide what to do while waiting for the tower to crumble as always. After a few minutes of pondering, his mind settled on three options; rereading those books that he will have no memory of once awake, sitting at the window and waiting for who knows how long until his body is finally crushed alongside the tower, or taking his anger out on the few pieces of furniture available here. It was a hard choice to make. The first option could help him relax a bit, but it would be meaningless in the end. And the last option could help him relieve some stress and anger without any consequences, but he would still have the same problem once he finished. That is, if the towers take a while to fall apart. As for the second option… It would be the most boring one, but he knew he would end up doing it anyway, as oddly enough, it was the only way to calm himself while falling to his demise.
Not being able to make a decision, Kaeya stayed on his bed. The fabric was as soft as ever, and the mattress, as comfortable. What a pity it was for it to be stuck in such a place.
He had no idea how much time had passed since he fell asleep, but the tower finally started to collapse. And, being used to the same routine, he went to the shelf in front of him to take the picture before going to the window and sitting on its frame while humming an unknown song. Except, this time he had not taken the picture, his most cherished treasure, with him. The recent dreams made him scared, worried, and sad about this picture. He could no longer look at young Diluc and himself without being haunted by the same thoughts in his head.
“Who will I choose? Would I even be able to choose? What if I can't? What if I do? What will happen to them? To me?" he wondered.
Bringing his legs closer to his chest and grabbing his hair with his hands, Kaeya's mind started to spiral, not even noticing time nor his surroundings anymore.
If it wasn't for him, he could maybe force himself to betray Mondstadt, its inhabitants, his friends, his colleagues, children and elders, women, men… Lisa… Jean… Everyone but that one person. Diluc. How could he betray the man who was once his best friend and brother?
For the third time since he had started dreaming, Kaeya opened his eyes. Or at least, the one without an eyepatch. He was so focused on what was on his mind that he did not notice his fall, nor did he have the time to feel his body crashing onto the cold grey stones.
Taking a few seconds to look around the new scene, he- no. No… It was not possible. How could this place… He had fallen, the tower had collapsed, he had not dreamed that. So how… How could he end up in the same room?
Pinching the bridge of his nose and taking a deep breath, Kaeya slowly counted to three before opening his eye again, this time a bit more composed.
Looking at it calmly, the room wasn't exactly the same. The Favonius desk had disappeared, his plant was replaced with a potted flower bed of Inteyvats. Incredulous, he quickly averted his gaze from the flowers. He was starting to get an idea of where exactly his dream could have sent him to, but prefered not to think about it too much. At least his fireplace was still the same. As for his shelf… Everything seemed to be the same, except for one detail. The picture had vanished. Or rather, it would be more accurate to say it had probably never been in this precise room to begin with.
For an unknown reason, he started to feel butterflies in his stomach, anxiety growing as if he was being eaten from inside. This place, that looked so much like the tower he had been dreaming of for years now, was not looking good. Something wicked was emanating from this place.
His throat narrowed and his breath became irregular. He had to go somewhere else, take some fresh air, go anywhere but here. This place was making him uneasy, as if a millipede was crawling all around his body. As if thousands of pairs of eyes were looking at him from every corner of the shadows.
His first idea had to go through the window. It was close, an access to fresh air, and being in a dream, jumping would not kill him. It was the most logical option. But he couldn't do that. For some reason, while looking around the room, his gaze did not stop on the window. Not even as he looked from the Inteyvats to the shelf. Now that he was thinking about it, he had spun around to avoid looking at the window. And even now, he couldn't bring himself to do so. As if he was a kid afraid to be caught by the monster under the bed, if he were to move a muscle. Except this time the monster was a window and moving a muscle was to look at it.
Finally having no other choice than to go for the only other option out of this room, Kaeya about-turned, ready to walk, for once, through the door. But his body did not obey. His anxiety had reached its peak and gotten the best of him. But he had to get out of this room, and quickly. He could feel his breath becoming even more irregular, his body uncontrollably starting to shake, and tears slowly but surely coming down his cheeks. He had to find something to at least reassure him enough to get away from this damned room. But he couldn't. There was nothing here for him. Nor did he have anything on him to rely on. He never materialised with his sword in these dreams. The only things he had were his clothes and his eyepatch.
Not being able to think properly anymore, Kaeya faintly started to call for the only person who was always there for him when he was younger. The only person who always came to save and reassure him.
" 'Luc… Please, help me… I'm-"
Kaeya had unintentionally and subconsciously put his hand on his eyepatch.
Usually, seeing or touching his eyepatch bitterly reminded him of his fight with Diluc. But right now, untying his eyepatch and touching his scar reminded him of Diluc, but in a good way. Whatever had happened, Diluc was still his brother. He would help him if Kaeya was in danger or in distress. No matter how mad he was, Diluc was still his brother and still cared for him. This thought allowed Kaeya to gather enough strength to get out of the room, where he finally fell on his knees.
After crying out of anxiety for a few minutes, Kaeya took some deep breaths and tied his eyepatch to his wrist. This would serve as a reminder that he wasn't fully alone here, despite what it seemed. Moreover, nobody would be able to see him like this, except himself. After all, nobody was ever here with him in these dreams, except for his alter egos.
Getting back up on his feet and dusting himself, Kaeya finally started moving forward into the hallway. Now that his anxiety had diminished a bit, curiosity found its way into his mind. He had always wondered what was behind that door. And, even if the… room… wasn't exactly like 'his', it was similar enough to conclude that the rest of the building may be a glimpse of what 'his' building looked like beyond the tower.
The hallway was pretty boring; cold dull grey stone walls without any decorations. Except in front of doors. Adorning the walls, on both sides of every door, were banners with a pattern he recognised all too well. And right below the banners, inside pots sitting on small marble columns, were fresh and delicate Inteyvats. He could not escape them. Nor anything around him, for that matter.
Anxiously, Kaeya sighed and grabbed his wrist where his eyepatch was laced, to reassure himself.
He could deny it no longer. He was in Khaenri’ah.
But, if he could so vividly see the palace of Khaenri’ah, which he barely had the time to visit when he was younger, that meant this dream wasn’t his.
Taking a deep breath, Kaeya let go of his wrist and picked an Inteyvat. Those beautiful flowers had always made him melancholic. When he was younger, he used to think these flowers were the most beautiful flowers in the world. But from the moment some strands of his hair started to become paler, he could merely think of those flowers as an inverted reflection of himself. They were white with one petal of blue, and he was blue, with one whitish streak. And probably more in the future, seeing how his hair was whitening more and more by the time. It frankly scared him. What if the curse had gotten him too? What if he only had a few years left to live? What if he was slowly turning into a monster? After all, last time he was talking to Lisa, he had started to speak hilichurl without noticing. Fortunately, the librarian kept it secret. But what if it was to happen again? What if he was starting to forget the language of Teyvat? What if, once again, the Inteyvat was laughing at him for being its inverted copy? After all, Inteyvat grew in Khaenri’ah and stopped in Teyvat. But what if he grew into a monster in Teyvat, but stopped doing so in Khaenri’ah? Would that mean he was bound to stay in his beloved yet forsaken homeland?
Too many thoughts were floating around in his head, almost giving him a headache.
Crushing the flower in his hand, Kaeya let it fall on the stony ground and kept walking forward, in pure and eerie silence. Until he heard voices. Especially one he knew very well.
He had arrived in the throne room. Similarly to the hallway, the throne room was lit with a dim light coming from candles in chandeliers. The small dancing flames as well as the cold stony walls made him shiver. The room looked like it was haunted, like the ghosts of an old civilisation were still crying, singing and chatting their pains and joys away. But the most dreadful thing wasn’t just the atmosphere in itself, nor was it Dainsleif, who stood beside the throne, nor even that gold haired person who looked a bit too much like the traveller for them not to be their long lost sibling. No. The most dreadful thing, or rather, person, in this entire room, was the man sitting on the throne, looking like an Inteyvat.
“Oh? Would you look at that? It seems like I have some company,” said the man in a honey laced voice. “Dainsleif, traveller-” The prince was cut off by the scowling golden haired person.
“I told you to stop calling me that. I am not a traveller anymore. My odyssey came to an end years ago.”
“My, my. Always so harsh,” the man amusedly sighed. “As I was about to say, would you two be so kind as to leave us alone? I think my alter ego has a lot of questions to ask me.”
“It shall be done according to your desires my prince,” said Dainsleif, followed by the golden haired traveller, although not without a complaint about not being able to “see the other Kaeya anyways.”
Getting more comfortable, the cyan haired Kaeya finally redirected his eyes back to his alter ego.
“So, who can I thank for the visit of my dearest younger me, eh?”
Kaeya, cavalry captain of the knights of Favonius was too stunned to speak. This was the first time he was seeing an alternative version of himself that looked so different. His hair, formerly navy blue, was now primarily cyan, with only a few navy streaks remaining. His usual white boa was now black, his hair, usually tied, was now kept loose, his eyepatch was nowhere to be seen. And his outfit was way more different than usual; a lot more black with darker shades of blue and golden elements. This Kaeya was much more elegant, and yet, way more cold than he could ever dream of being.
Kaeya was speechless, which amused his other self. But he knew himself more than anyone else. He knew that despite his crystalline laugh, there was no joy.
“Drop the act. I know… We know… that you are not really happy.”
“Oh really? And here I thought I had become a better liar with time.”
“Maybe… But you can’t lie to yourself.”
The cyan Kaeya sneered.
“Oh, really? You’re one to talk. I thought you wanted to keep that eyepatch to remind yourself to ‘not tell the truth, not be true to anyone anymore’ after what happened with our dear Master Diluc?”
“I-” Kaeya hesitated. How could he rivalise with himself? He knew what to say to hurt his own feelings, and at another time, it could have worked. But being in Khaenri’ah shook him so much he could not compose himself and stay calm. Whereas this other version of himself seemed much more serene.
“... What happened with ‘Luc?”
“Oh? ‘Luc’? You went back to that nickname? How childish of me.”
Kaeya did not reply, squeezing his wrist with his other hand and looking at the ground.
“Oh, you know, he tried to kill me after telling him I was a spy from Khaenri’ah. But judging from your scar, the same thing happened to you. Hah! I wonder how a weakling like you could have rivalled a fierce and angry master Diluc on that night.”
“Shut up. I’m not weak. You don’t even have your vision with you. Is that what Khaenri’ah did to you? Take your vision away? Take your friends and family away?”
Cyan Kaeya chuckled.
“Oh my, how can I be so naive. Kaeya. We both know these people were nothing more than pawns to us. As for my-”
“SHUT UP!”
Kaeya had created an ice sword and was ready to fight his alter ego. But…
“Have you forgotten? You are in a dream. You can’t kill anyone in a dream. The mere fact that you managed to create a weapon is already unbelievable enough. Now, if you could calm down, I’d appreciate it. You know very well we can’t really do much more than just have a nice little chat. So either we talk together as adults, or you can go look around the palace if you want. I’m sure you haven’t been able to visit our homeland in a long time.”
Kaeya shook his head. He was not ready yet to remember exactly how Khaenri’ah was. And being in this palace was already more than enough for him. His icy sword vanished.
“... Why… The hair? We don’t really let it untie. It’s not practical for fights.”
Cyan Kaeya took a few more seconds than usual to reply. Kaeya saw it, but could not really make anything out of that fact.
“Why not?”
And of course, cyan Kaeya wasn’t really giving him a proper answer.
“Then, why the new clothes?”
“Well, changing clothes once in a while is refreshing. Don’t you think? Besides, this outfit is more suited for a ruler. Except maybe for the boa, but we like those.”
“A ruler, eh? … You really chose Khaenri’ah over Mondstadt and every one of our friends?”
“I thought I had told you they were merely pawns to us?”
“... I can’t believe you chose this forsaken country over Mondstadt…”
“Well, maybe you won’t make the same choice as me?”
“You’re not dead?” This was more of a statement than a question.
Cyan Kaeya raised an eyebrow.
“So what?”
“So, this is the first time this is happening, which means this must be the right path for us not to die. … But I really don’t want to give up Mondstadt… But, if you’re still alive, that means-”
“You know, I am you, but you are not necessarily me.”
Kaeya looked at his alter ego, confused.
“When I was your age, I was you and grew up to be who I am now. But that does not mean you’ll grow up to be who I am. Does that make sense?”
“I think it does. Somehow. So, you’re saying I can choose to save Mondstadt instead of Khaenri’ah?”
Cyan Kaeya shrugged. “Only fate will tell.”
“Hm. And what about that golden haired person?”
“Hah, I think you already know. But they are the beloved sibling of our dear traveller.”
“What is their link with you? With the Abyss? Does the traveller know?”
“Calm now, you know how those ley-line disrupted dreams work. I can’t tell you about your possible future, or you might try and avoid repeating it, which could only cause more discrepancies.”
“What about our eyepatch?”
Once again, cyan Kaeya took a few more seconds than usual to reply. Kaeya was starting to find it suspicious but could still not make anything out of it.
“I got rid of it.”
“But… why?”
The time cyan Kaeya was taking to answer made Kaeya wonder if his alter ego was coming with some made up answers.
“You know we can see very well with both our eyes. And I find it more useful as a ruler and a fighter. Besides, everyone in Khaenri’ah knows who I am. So I don’t really need to hide myself nor my true identity.”
“Hm…” Kaeya was not convinced, but he would have to bear with it. He knew his alter ego would not elaborate.
“Speaking of Khaenri’ah, I thought we were supposed to be really advanced, but I saw mere stones and candles while coming here. And, now that I’m thinking about it… Is that tower…”
“Well, you see, rebuilding a nation from scratch isn’t an easy task. We already managed to rebuild most of the palace, but building back our field tillers will take some time. As for-”
“Field tillers?”
Cyan Kaeya chuckled.
“The ruin guards. As for the tower, yes. The room you saw and keep seeing every time you awake in a dream, is our room. And if I had to make a guess as to why it crumbles everytime… I would say it’s because-”
Cyan Kaeya cut himself mid sentence. This was not a good thing to say out loud.
“Because?” Kaeya was eagerly waiting for an answer. An answer to a question he’s had for years now.
But the answer never came. Feeling the odd and gloomy change in the atmosphere, Kaeya looked around, only to see that the dream was beginning to fade. Depending on the length of the answer, he could only ask one last question to his alter ego. Maybe this answer, unlike the others so far, would be able to ease at least one of his worries.
“Your hair… Our hair. Why is it becoming whiter with time, and is there a way for it to reverse back to normal? Although… Seeing you, I guess not. Then, is there at least a way to make it stop?”
Cyan Kaeya smirked at the question.
“My hair? Oh, I’m sure someone as clever as you will find the answer. I’m afraid I can’t give it to you myself. After all, what would be an adventure without any mysteries?”
This answer infuriated Kaeya. None of the answers of his alter ego had been satisfactory, and this last answer was the cherry on top of the cake; cyan Kaeya was taking all of this as a mere joke!
Kaeya, no longer able to hold his fear, frustration, despair and anger lashed out years of hatred towards himself, before finally disappearing with the dream.
Finally alone again, cyan Kaeya, or just simply Kaeya now, had relaxed his body, letting himself lazily fall on his throne.
His fake smile finally broke. His heart was aching and he wanted to cry, but what would be the use now?
“And you said I couldn’t lie to myself, huh? Of course I’m dead, you dummy. Why do you think I would have my hair untied? It’s not practical for a fighter. And why would I get rid of the only thing left for me as a reminder of Diluc? I would have kept it if I could. But someone stole it from me as I was dying. I would never get rid of anything reminding me of my dear brother. You know very well we swore years ago to be brothers “forever”, for better and for worse. None of us have forgotten. Life just happened and we went our separate ways. But you know very well, probably better than me, I am sure, that we would still help each other out.”
“Still talking to yourself?” The blond haired person, formerly a traveller, had come back into the room, hands behind their head, a bored look on their face.
“You really were lucky we managed to change your old bloody outfit for a clean one before you died. But I still can’t comprehend your dedication to this act.” Dainsleif had also come back, still intrigued by the shenanigans of Kaeya.
“You two couldn’t understand. I met a younger version of myself when I was younger. The poor boy had committed suicide because he could not endure the weight of such a hard decision weighing on his shoulders anymore. He could not decide between Khaenri’ah and Mondstadt and ended his life before. This encounter had always marked me. I had seen, and I’m sure the me we just saw also did, mostly Kaeyas from Mondstadt, from many different ages. But I can not remember seeing any one of me taking the path of Khaenri’ah. So I had to take it, to encounter one of us. The one who will be able to not make a choice. I don’t want him to feel like he has to choose between Khaenri’ah and Mondstadt.
“Then why make him hate you then?” asked Dainsleif and the former traveller in unison.
“Well, there are three reasons. I know myself. I know all the hate, fear, worry, despair and love I feel, especially regarding Mondstadt and Khaenri’ah. I wanted him to be able to throw all that built up tension away. The second reason is that I can’t say too much about what happened to me, or the dream would end immediately. And the third reason was that if he only saw Khaenri’ah as negative, the only things left for him to imagine are all the good things that could come with choosing to go for Khaenri’ah. And perhaps doing so will lead to a Kaeya dying like me, here, but loving this country as much as he loved Mond. Which, in another dream, might lead to a Kaeya who has encountered so many different versions of him, that he will be able to have enough knowledge to follow his own path to a new solution.”
Kaeya closed his eyes with a smile.
“A solution where he can save both. It will be hard, but I think he can do it. After all, he isn’t alone anymore.”