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I'll always remember when I crashed my first car. I passed my test the week before, and just needed my license to come through in the mail. I was eighteen at the time, with a grade point average that would make an onion cry, and honestly I'd had enough. I was ready to drop out. My dad wasn't happy. I mean, that asshole was never happy, but he was especially unhappy that I was failing every single class I took. He was yelling and screaming like always, making my stupid hands shake even when I jammed them in my pockets. And of course that was when he found out about… well.
"What is this skirt doing under your bed, Naruki!?"
Sometimes I replay the argument in my head. Yuri tells me she does that for every social fuckup she makes. No wonder she gets so anxious. Here I am telling her 'Don't worry about your mistakes, everyone's a fuckup sometimes' while I deep dive back into the worst fucking day of my life.
Anyway, I wasn't interested in debating it with him. I'd had enough of his breath in my nose and that look in his eyes, and the way his nails dug into my shoulders.
"Are you a fucking faggot, Naruki? Is that it?"
I dragged the front door open with both of my trembling hands. He followed, all the way down the front yard, right up to the car. Didn't even mention that I didn't have my license yet. He was too busy frothing at the mouth over my one fucking pink skirt.
I don't remember what the time was but I remember the orange sky, and the trees blurring into one green mess, and that hot feeling you get when you're so pissed and scared and out of your mind that your stomach decides to send everything back up for a second hello. It burned there at the back of my throat while Papa's voice echoed in my ears.
"Fucking asshole," I hissed, "Fucking prick. Fuck you. I'm never coming back. Not to you, not to school. Not anywhere."
I remember I said that, because that's when Yuri plowed into me.
She came from the right, smacking into the back of my car. I was reeling like a roulette wheel, tires screeching on the road. Then the whole stupid thing flipped onto its side. I managed to unhook the seatbelt before I threw up.
Yuri was much better off than me. I could tell it was her right away, because she was the only person on Earth who still drove a Honda civic that old. My first thought, as I crawled on my stomach over the broken glass, was that she'd be pissed at me. I was speeding for sure, probably ran a few lights. My insurance weren't gonna cover me for jack shit. I wasn't worried about any of that though. I was worried about her.
"Are you alright?" I asked her, barely able to form words between my gasping breaths.
She couldn't speak. She just broke down crying, pulling me into her arms.
Now we're married.
I never thought it was possible for someone as fucked as me to get used to suburban life. But the yard is still there every time I look at it. And the car, our new car, which was made in 2021 rather than 1982. When I wake up in the morning, I'm not surprised to see Yuri there beside me. It feels natural. Normal. I wake up before her most days, especially on Mondays — she has a roleplay group on Sunday night. I remember when we used to stay up till 3am playing old RPGs on her Sega Genesis. Every last one of them was absolute hell, full of the most annoying RNG bullshit you can imagine. But that was half the fun. I swear she used to pick the ones she knew would piss me off the most. I had to yell into her pillow to avoid waking her mom up. God, feels like forever ago now. I try not to think about it. I was an asshole back then. Still am. Didn't help that I had to pretend to be a guy.
She knew early on, same as Monika and Sayori. That's a lie, Sayori knew first, then the others. I figured Sayori was gay, she had that energy about her, and I was right. What I didn't realize was that everyone else was gay too.
"I knew you were a girl," that's what Sayo said to me, "I could just tell."
Maybe that's why my dad hated me so much. Maybe he always knew. Yuri didn't know though. She took it like she took everything else: silently. Then suddenly she wanted to read all these trans novels with me.
"I'm not a charity case," I told her, "I know I'm weird, alright? It's weird, I get it. I can accept it. You don't need to go the extra mile."
"It's, uh…" she blinked real hard, like three times. It's her tic, one of many, but we all knew not to mention it unless she did, "It's… it's not… I… well…"
I sighed, "I'm not annoyed. I'm just saying you don't have to try. I'm fine being a freak."
"You're not—" her mouth was a thin line, "You're hardly the only person who has these feelings, Natsuki."
Then she glared at me, and that's when I realized I'd put my foot in it again, like always. Big mouth Natsuki, always speaking before she fucking thinks. Of course, I did the mature thing and left the clubroom without saying a word...
Love at first sight, you know what I mean?
Turns out Yuri'd been thinking about fucking with her gender for a while too. That's the miracle that saved our friendship, I think, cos god knows why else she'd keep talking to me. She was lonely and I was broken. Maybe that's it.
"No," I mumble to myself as I flip the second pancake of the morning, "Don't be stupid, Natsuki."
Everyone's an asshole once. Or twice. I was an asshole most of the time, but sometimes that's how it goes. What really matters is where you go next.
The thing about being an asshole to Yuri is she just takes it in silence and stews on it when she's trying to sleep. That's what I learned. She'd invite me over and I'd get on her ass about how much she sucks at fighting games or something, and she'd nod and agree and then I'd go home. And one day, after I'd been an especially huge asshole, I looked in her eyes and for the first time I really saw myself in them. All that pain she was holding back. That was me. I put the controller on the bed and sat there and I tried to think of words to say, but how do you apologize for being a monster?
I'm just like Papa.
That's what I thought. I wanted to say something that could make it all go away. But you can't make something like that go away. Fear, that's what I felt more than anything. Fear that I'd already fucked it completely. That she'd seen the real me.
"I'm sorry Yuri," that's what I said in the end, "I've been a real dick lately. More than usual."
She looked like she wanted to say something. But she stayed silent, as always.
"That's not who I wanna be. You know? I don't want…" I bit my lip, "It's not right."
I went home expecting her to never speak to me again. Instead she texted me, [Thank you]
You know what's crazy? That made me feel even worse. She was thanking me for something I should've done years ago. I made a promise then, to myself and to her, that I'd never let myself get like Papa ever again. No matter what. And especially not to my friends.
The next club session went like normal, which felt completely fucking ab-normal to me. But I pushed through it, and when we all separated to do our own reading, I went over and started making good on my promise.
"Hey Yuri, about that trans book…" I couldn't meet her eyes, not after what I did, but I made myself say the words, "You're right. It's not like I'm the only person on Earth who's like…" I motioned at my poorly-fitting skirt, "This. So, you know… if you… you haven't got to but… if you wanted to, you know… read the book or whatever. I don't remember the name—"
"Nevada, by Imogen Binnie."
"Right. That. I wanna read it with you. For real. I'm not just saying it," I forced myself to meet her eyes, "I really want to read it. With you."
She didn't smile, but she gave me a little nod and said she'd bring it in tomorrow. So we got down to reading. It was good. You know, it was gay, it was… well it got me thinking anyway. But not about being trans. No, reading through it with Yuri, hearing her quiet breathing, sitting so close together on the floor, in the shade… it got me thinking about… gay shit.
I was into Yuri long before I came out as a girl. At first I was jealous, cos Yuri is like every trans girl's dream, then I was resentful, cos she wasn't dirt poor like me. Honestly, I don't know how the fuck we got past all that shit. All the roadblocks were mostly my fault. Yuri insists that it was mostly her fault, but come on. We both know the truth.
But we did get past it. Maybe that's the thing. Beneath all the other shit, we were actually really alike. Sure, she liked wordy horror books and I liked manga, but we were both super passionate about our interests. I could talk for days about Parfait Girls. And she listened. And I listened to her. And honestly? I liked listening to her. I could never read one of those massive books. I'm too stupid. Again, Yuri insists that I'm not, but she's wrong on that one too.
"Jesus, I'm gonna burn these fucking pancakes if I keep thinking about the past, god!"
I'm about to plate up my breakfast when Yuri tiptoes down the stairs.
"You're up early," I say.
"Nightmare."
"Oh…oh shit. You need a hug? Actually," I flop the pancakes onto a plate and slam a jar of maple syrup down beside them, "Maybe you need some sugar in you."
She giggles, "Perhaps I can have both."
"Now you're talking."
I wrap my arms around her and lean my head against her chest. I can feel her nose poking against the top of my head.
"Thank you," she mumbles into my hair, "I love you."
For some reason that makes me wanna cry, "I…" I swallow my tears, "I love you too."
She kisses me softly, "You sound upset."
"I'm not," I lie, "Just yawning. Just sleepy. Must've slept badly."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"It's nothing to worry about. Just need to get some sugar in me."
She pulls away and I rub my eyes and fake another yawn, but I can tell she isn't convinced, "Do you want the pancakes?"
I laugh, genuinely, "No! God, you have them, dummy. I've got plenty of pancake mix."
She frowns, "Are you sure?"
"I'm absolutely sure," I turn my back to her and pour mix into the pan, "I'll have my own pancakes in just a minute. They'll be bigger than yours, too."
"Well if we're having a dick measuring contest, I feel like you have an unfair advantage."
I shake my head, grinning despite myself, "You fucker."
Her laugh drifts over my shoulder, "Sorry, that was a low blow."
"Jesus!" a tear falls down my cheek, my feelings are all over the place, "In a real punny mood this morning, huh?" I sniffle, "What pronouns you using today, baby?"
"I'm feeling they/them today."
"No problem."
"Sorry to be such a pest."
"You're not a pest," I say, my voice shaking way more than I want it to, "You're not a pest at all, alright? There's no law saying you have to have one, fixed gender. If you like to change it up, then that's…" I can feel myself losing control. The pancake's gonna burn, "That's fine, okay? It's no big deal."
"Natsuki, are you sure you're alright?"
I flip the pancake. Just like I thought, it's burned, "No," I move the pan to one side and give up on the pancake, "I'm sorry. I decided to fuck myself in the ass this morning."
Yuri's arms gently slide round me, "You have such a way with words," they kiss my cheek, "Tell me how you're feeling."
"I was just…" I wipe my nose on my arm, "Thinking about the past, you know? I was an asshole."
"The past… like at school?"
I sigh, "Yeah… school, and… you know…"
"Things were different then. I used to really dislike you."
A sob escapes my lips, "I don't blame you. I didn't really like myself."
"What is it that's worrying you? You can tell me directly."
The direct approach was always best with Yuri, which is funny considering I'm a pathological liar, "Alright," I say with a sigh, "The truth is, honestly… I was… I was thinking… how could you possibly love me? Like, I've trapped you here, haven't I… that's how… that's…"
Their voice is low and warm against my ear, "I see. I understand now."
"So… yeah… that's it. Sorry. You just had a nightmare. I'll deal with this."
"You were very unkind once upon a time. But so was I."
"Not like I was, Yuri."
They hum, "If you're wondering why I love you, it isn't because you were always kind and sweet, like you are now. Yes… it hurt a lot when we fought, but I moved past it."
"You shouldn't have had to."
"Natsuki, anyone can say nice things, and be polite. But very few people are genuine. I can't read people, and I don't understand much about normal life, so I have to trust people when they say nice things to me. You can understand, I hope, how hard it is to trust people when you can't be sure what they're thinking."
I rest my hand on top of theirs, and stroke their fingers, "I know what you mean. I'm not exactly a trusting person myself."
"Exactly. Yes, you were different when we were younger, but then you showed me that you can change. You showed me that you were real. I never felt like I had to guess, with you. You just told me your feelings directly. I know it's strange, but… it made me feel safe. I knew that if you took an interest in my books, you were really interested. If I annoyed you, you'd tell me. And when you said you loved me…" they giggle, "I knew you meant it. That's why I love you Natsuki. Because underneath everything, you're incredibly honest."
"I'm so not."
"No, perhaps not with everyone."
I stare at my burnt pancake, "I'd never lie to you Yuri. Not about important things."
"I know. Nor would I to you. That's why I married you. Because I trust you. Because you showed me who you really are," they spin me around gently and stroke my cheek, "It wasn't all bad. I don't remember the past as being a bad time. We were young and mentally unwell. I'm still mentally unwell, as you know…" they rub their arm, "But we recover. We move forward. That's what I learned. We're always ourselves, even at our worst, but our worst does not have to define us. I am not one moment. I am every part of my life. I am the sum total. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
I rest my head against their chest and nod. My brain doesn't have any words to reply with.
They rub my back, "Perhaps we should share those pancakes."
"No," I grumble, "They're yours, and they're… probably cold by now. Ugh. I'll eat them, alright? And after that I'll make you some more, and, it's, I—" I take a deep breath, "On second thought, come with me to the bakery. We can eat there. I have to open it up eventually anyway, why not get the goods out early?"
"Will your manager be alright with that? This is very sudden."
"You haven't gotta come," I say as I tip the burnt pancake into the trash, "I can bring stuff back here. You haven't gotta throw your schedule out."
"No, no it's…" they close their eyes and think for a moment, "I'm already up too early anyway. This isn't a normal day, so we should do something abnormal."
I feel a grin cross my lips, "Abnormal… sounds about right for you and me. Alright, gimme a sec while I get my uniform."
"Yes, I need to get dressed as well. Can't exactly go in my pajamas."
"Well you could," I call from halfway up the stairs, "If you wanted. I won't say anything."
"Hmm…"
In the end they go in the baggiest, most boring outfit imaginable. But I think they're beautiful, and I tell them as much as I clip my name tag to my needlessly frilly work apron. We drive off in our car, which isn't a Honda Civic, and we eat cake for breakfast like bakery royalty, just the two of us in the back room of the empty store, and when my mind rises up to tell me I don't deserve Yuri I tell it where to get off, because the past should stay in the past. I love them, that's all that matters. I love them and I always will. I am not who I was. I am here, now, madly in love with them.
"Well fuck me," I say as my phone lights up on the table, "Manager's sick. Says I don't have to come in today."
"Oh…" Yuri replies, their eyebrows scrunched up in confusion, "But we're here now."
I grin, "You want some more cake?"
They give me a serious look, "Is that allowed?"
"No. But I baked the fucking things, so…"
They think for a moment, a glint in their eye, "Perhaps just one more."