Chapter Text
The nights were black and dreamless—that was the first thing Lalli noticed, though he couldn’t place when it began.
He noticed while sitting on the couch one evening in a light doze, in broad daylight, and without any prior thought. Lalli shot awake, and, after the initial wave of confusion and soft dread, he realized how difficult it was to pick out the innumerable, small changes that had occurred over the last... days? Weeks? Months?
He wasn’t sure.
He wasn’t sure.
Everything had slipped away from him, as if in a moment, but surely it hadn’t actually come on all at once, had it? But if these changes had occurred slowly, he should have noticed sooner. He should have noticed the slow decline of the buzzing in his ears, the gradual dulling of his senses, the way the weightiness of his luonto grew into heaviness, and the tight winding that grew between his shoulders and wrenched them into knots.
Lalli shook his head sharply and forced his mind back into the world around him.
Emil sat on the other end of the couch, reading quietly. The sun was just beginning its late evening descent, soaking the living room in soft golden light. The days were getting quite long now; it was almost midsummer.
Lalli felt his heart pound against his ribcage. He rubbed his palms against his leggings, but the texture felt too smooth and intangible.
He glanced at Emil. Had he noticed? Did Emil know, in his own, mysterious, knowing, and Emil way, what had happened?
Emil turned a page. His eyelashes had darkened over the years, and they never failed to make Lalli pause with the way they framed Emil’s eyes.
Lalli softly bit the tip of his tongue.
No. Emil didn’t know. Emil couldn’t hide his suspicions even if he wanted to.
Lalli stood up suddenly and announced, “I’m going outside for a bit. I’ll be back.”
Emil looked up with a light smile.
“Alright, kulta.”
Lalli gave an awkward nod and slipped out the back door.
It was warmer than Lalli would have liked. They’d had their share of sticky summer days already, and Sweden was severely lacking in adequate lakes to cool off in. Lalli disliked being cold, but he hated being hot. Despite this, he let his legs move on their own, from a quick walk into a run, then into a sprint, towards the young forest that lay just a few dozen yards from their back door.
The neighborhood—if it could be called that—had grown substantially ever since Lalli and Emil had moved in three years ago. Only a few arrived at first, but as the Vidarebosättning program carried on impressively without incident, people became more willing to take the risk of living in recently cleansed lands.
Lalli knew the risk was minimal. He had checked when he and Emil visited the house for the first time. But you couldn’t expect Swedes to actually understand how trolls moved and grew.
But their ignorance got Lalli and Emil a house for a third of the market price, and plenty of privacy on top of that.
The forest here was still in its infancy; new trees had been planted only a decade ago after the area had been cleansed. New growth popped up on its own, as it always did, but it bothered Lalli a little how ignorant this forest felt.
Though its young voices didn’t flicker irritatingly in his ears today.
Lalli moved among the trees, suddenly aware of how his balance just seemed off, like he was carrying an additional, shifting weight. He came to a stop when he felt he was far enough from the house. The trees offered some limited shelter from the end of the day heat, though the ground was still warm.
As Lalli came to stillness, the feeling returned.
It was not a feeling of something present that should not be there—that was what a troll or a ghost felt like. It was an emptiness, a removal. A blank spot in the middle of a pattern. An inhale devoid of air.
Practiced, with bone-deep muscle memory, Lalli closed his eyes, relaxed his shoulders, and took three deep breaths.
In, then out.
In, then out.
In, then out.
Nothing.
The emptiness opened up inside him, endless and black, and for a horrible, violent, and hollow moment Lalli felt himself falling, reaching out with both hands for something, anything to grab hold of.
But there was nothing.
Lalli jerked suddenly and his eyes shot open.
A new feeling built up inside him, and Lalli couldn’t tell if he wanted to cry or to vomit. No tears stung his eyes. A bead of sweat tickled the back of his neck, and he rubbed at it like a bug that had landed on his skin.
He felt more intentionally into his surroundings, feeling for the trees, for the small creatures of the forest, for the sun’s setting light.
It all felt empty.
Was this what non-mages felt? Was this how non-mages saw the world? So lifeless and quiet?
Lalli ground a toe into the dirt on instinct, trying to root himself in the feeling of earth under his feet. He looked for the imperceptible movements, the breathing of flora and fauna in the forest around him. But these sensations just crawled up his skin and into his ears and behind his eyes, where they turned endlessly and meaninglessly.
Lalli realized he hadn’t been breathing. He flicked his fingers twice as his chest hitched back into movement.
There’s nothing I can do right now, Lalli thought. He could only wait, and see what happened. He wasn’t dreaming, he couldn’t see spirits, and he knew full well he couldn’t call for the power of a god. Not in a way that mattered, anyway.
Lalli’s luonto was a lynx, and, like any solitary cat, it could be somewhat vindictive when treated badly. It had done plenty of wandering when Lalli was more inexperienced and pushed both of them too far. But they’d built a partnership and had felt at home with each other for years. Now Lalli could feel his luonto nearby, in a vague sort of way. But it would not heed his commands. It seemed almost incapable of it.
Lalli’s heart sank as he wondered if the connection with his luonto would only grow more distant. A luonto’s absence always brought on a bitter sort of loneliness that clawed at the skin.
I’ll be all but useless on the next expedition, Lalli thought grimly.
That wasn’t quite true. He could still scout, though Lalli wasn’t sure how much he’d have to compensate for his lost senses. But he could figure it out. He would figure it out.
Feet heavy and shoulders tight, Lalli made his slow way back to the house. Staying outside would only make it more apparent how sharp and cold the world felt; at least at home he could bury the silence in the normalness of the day.