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It hit Steve like a tonne of bricks, or like a punch to the gut or the face.
One minute, he’d been talking to Robin and going to get them fresh drinks and the next he’d frozen.
They were at a party. It was large and spilling out into the yard already, filled with a mixture of college and high school students. There were a lot of people from towns over, not just Hawkins. It made Steve feel a little anonymous and he rather liked not being immediately known as the former King.
He’d been navigating through the party when he’d spotted Eddie leaning against a wall in a mostly empty corridor. He’d seen him earlier, dealing pot and thankfully not being treated as if he was still an accused murderer. Some people were still dicks about it, but most of the town had seemed to pretend the whole thing hadn’t happened.
“I’m not complaining.” Eddie had said in the past, shrugging off Steve’s annoyance that people had flipped so easily without even an apology or semblance of guilt. “Rather be able to walk around town and not flee from pitchforks, you know? Besides, not like anyone’s ever apologised for calling me names before.” He’d then grinned and leaned in close. “Well, except for you, sweetheart.”
Steve had approached, planning to say hey, see if he was finished dealing and suggest sharing a smoke and maybe commiserating over Robin’s continued inability to ask Vickie out – but as he’d gotten closer, he’d heard Eddie laugh and realised he was talking to a guy Steve didn’t recognise.
He was brunet, and when Steve tilted his head to better see, he thought he looked pretty average, maybe a swimmer based on his shoulders. The guy was grinning and Eddie was leaning close.
“Bold words, darling,” Eddie crooned. “You might make a boy blush, talking like that.”
Steve blinked, feeling strangely as if he was looking from the outside in, because a phrase like that was something Eddie would say to him almost daily. He’d never heard the guy do it with anyone else. Normally, he rolled his eyes, shoved Eddie or laughed it off. This guy chuckled, but it was lower and almost coquettish.
“I’m not as bold as you,” the guy replied.
Eddie tilted his head, and Steve could partially see his face; a cheeky smile Steve was used to seeing directed at him. A smile which, he realised with a sort of muffled clarity, was never flashed at anyone else in the Party.
“I could be bolder, if you felt like going somewhere a little quieter.”
Steve couldn’t see the guy’s face but he heard his eager reply as if it was through a tunnel, because all Steve was aware of was the rushing in his ears and the very distinct realisation that Eddie was flirting with that guy.
That Eddie had been flirting with him.
Because it wasn’t harmless joking banter to fluster him. Eddie, who’d never shied from acknowledging that he was gay, had been openly and continually flirting with him from the start.
And before Steve could move or school his features, Eddie and the guy turned. He looked directly into his friend’s face. Steve didn’t know what his was doing, but with Eddie, he saw shock followed by something like panic and then the abrupt closing down of his expression.
It was a look reminiscent of before the Upside Down, when they’d barely known each other and Steve wasn’t someone that Eddie trusted. It had been a long time since Eddie had looked at him like that.
“Steve,” Eddie said. There was no teasing petname, no excited ‘Steeeevie’ or an arm over his shoulder pulling him into a hug. “You been there long?”
Steve swallowed, his mouth feeling dry. He didn’t know how to answer, but his face must have done something because Eddie’s expression tightened.
“Right,” he said. “Long enough then.”
“Uhh,” the guy said, looking abruptly uncomfortable and flushing nervously. “I, um, just going to…”
But he fled before he could finish. Eddie didn’t look at him, his gaze was fixed on Steve, but he had no idea what to do. Eddie breathed heavily through his nose before hissing ‘fucking hell’ under his breath. He then stalked forward. He grabbed Steve’s wrist and started pulling him through the house.
Steve didn’t protest, he was still reeling from the way months of interactions were rewriting themselves in his head.
Eddie shoved open the backdoor forcefully, making a few people startle and curse at him. Eddie ignored them to yank him further outside and then around to the side of the house. It was shadowed and empty which seemed to be all Eddie was vying for. He let Steve’s wrist go and put an overly polite distance between them.
Normally, Eddie would be directly in his space, leaning into him; just like he’d done with the guy in there.
“Okay,” Eddie said, his jaw clenched and words short. “We’re doing this conversation. Not one I ever wanted to have, but I dug my own fucking grave, so here we are.”
Steve thought about his words, weighed them on his tongue; knew he was right.
“You were flirting with him.” He swallowed. “Like you flirt with me.”
Eddie breathed in and out heavily. He averted his gaze and turned away. Steve was watching him but Eddie was now side on, his back to the house and his gaze on the fence. He dug into his jacket pockets, pulling out a pack of smokes and getting a cigarette out. He put it between his lips and fumbled for his lighter. It wasn’t as smooth and easy as normal.
After it was lit and he’d taken a long drag, he finally spoke.
“In the Upside Down,” he said, sudden and unexpected, “it was instinctive. I’m feeling like I’m about to die and Steve fucking Harrington is there. A former asshole and jock, sure, but so fucking pretty despite it. So, why not? A punch to the face is the least of my worries.”
He had another drag, his rings glinting in the light from the moon and the cigarette’s end.
“But, guess what? We all live. You don’t seem to really mind. Or maybe you think it’s just how I act. So, again, why not?”
His body had started twitching somewhere in the middle and by the end, Eddie was pacing; short rapid movements only a few feet apart.
“Robin starts telling me I’m playing with fire, and yeah, thanks Buckley, I’m not fucking dumb, but I’m God damn Icarus by now, aren’t I? And Christ, it’s been months, so maybe I’m in the clear and I’m never going to come crashing down.”
He stopped abruptly, staring out at the night, mostly turned away so Steve can only really see the back of his hair, jeans and leather jacket.
“But… yeah,” his voice suddenly sounded rough. “I do flirt with you, Steve. I do it a whole fucking lot even though I know it ain’t going to end with shit.”
He dropped his cigarette then, staring at it before crushing it with his boot.
Steve stared at him, the silence stretching between them. The party was still going on; music thumping lowly from the house, people laughing, drinking and having a good time only a few feet from them. Steve’s gaze was locked on Eddie; the metalhead’s shoulders were tense and up near his ears – but, he wasn’t running.
Eddie had been trying hard, Steve knew, to not run when things got tough or terrifying – or at least, to only run to someone. Him, Robin and even Dustin. The Party would have his back, and he knew that.
But this was still making its way through Steve’s head and worldview. And unfortunately, his mouth could sometimes work before his brain.
“You want to sleep with me?”
Eddie flinched. It was full bodied and violent and Steve could suddenly read it in his body language; Eddie was about to bolt. He jerked forward, his hand reaching out and grasping Eddie’s forearm to stop him.
“Eddie, I didn’t-”
“No,” Eddie interjected, harsh and a little bitter. “No, fucking hell, Steve. That’s… God you fucking deserve that answer. I’ve shared your bed a dozen God damn times. Fuck.”
He didn’t pull out of Steve’s hold, but his free hand rubbed hard over his face. There was a long beat but, when he finally did answer, it was barely louder than a whisper, and likely only heard because Steve was now so close.
“Yeah,” he said, “Yeah, Stevie, I do.”
The cold harsh reality of the statement should have been what hit Steve; his gay male friend wanted to fuck him. But that wasn’t what his brain latched onto; Stevie. The return of a word that, now that Steve knew what he was looking for, was wrapped in affection. The kind of affection not designated for platonic friends.
And it also made him realise that the darling Eddie had given the other boy was teasing and flirtatious, just like when he called Steve princess or big boy - but the sweethearts and Stevie’s that Eddie gave him were something else entirely. Something soft and sweet and fond.
Holy shit, he thought, Eddie’s got a crush on me.
And then, to utterly throw him off, his next feeling wasn’t embarrassment or awkwardness it was warmth, it was something almost like happiness.
Holy shit, he thought for an entirely different reason.
“I’ll stop,” Eddie said into the tense silence that had fallen. “Won’t be hard. Like, it’ll be a few weeks by the time you start hanging around me again, yeah?” His body was tense, words coming fast and his voice high with nerves. “Plenty of time to train myself out of it, you know? Buckley can stay between us, maybe Dustin too. Kid worked it out a long time ago. He’ll want us to hang out so he’ll help. He’ll fucking elbow me in the gut if I fuck up. Totally fixable, you know?”
Steve could feel the man’s faint trembling from where he was holding Eddie and it made him snap out of his own spiralling thoughts.
“Eddie. What? Weeks? I’m not going to avoid you, man.”
Eddie laughed, the sound manic and almost a giggle. “What? So just like normal?”
Steve stared at Eddie’s silhouette; a familiar face and presence that had been in his life, in his space for weeks. The idea of Eddie withdrawing from his orbit left him feeling hollow. He’d come to love the easy affection, the stream of teasing compliments and Eddie’s sweet smile just for him. He gravitated toward the other boy whenever they were in a room. Even when there were girls around, he was looking at the cackling, ridiculous, dramatic boy beside him.
It was a lot of very startling and confusing realisations to have in rapid succession, but Steve knew it wasn’t wrong to be gay, to like boys or girls or both. The members of the Party supported Eddie, as did the few who knew about Robin. This was okay and it gave him the confidence to stay holding Eddie.
“I don’t think we can do that,” Steve answered, feeling something nervous flutter in his stomach.
Eddie, however, slumped. “Yeah, I know, Steve. I know.”
Steve shook his head but realised Eddie wouldn’t see. He glanced around, but no one was aware of them or close enough to really make them out. So, he tugged on Eddie’s arm. There was a moment of resistance before his friend finally complied.
Eddie looked exhausted and resigned. He tried to smile; a small, sad twitch of his lips, as if he wanted to make light of the situation but didn’t know how. Steve didn’t know if this was the right thing to do in the moment (was pretty sure his inner Robin was saying ‘no, no, stop right now dingus. Think about this a little more’), but Eddie had been flirting with him for months. He’d also just ruined Eddie’s attempts to hook up with someone.
He’d ended up in the place Eddie had probably planned to take that guy; a dark, private spot with a wall he could press someone up against.
It sent a tingle through Steve’s body; a pool of something nervous but excited forming in his gut.
So, he ignored his inner Robin and he stayed focused on Eddie as he took a step backward. He tugged Eddie as he moved. His friend frowned but followed haltingly. Steve didn’t take long to hit the wall of the house. When he did, he let himself slump; casual and, he hoped, inviting. There was still distance between them; almost the full stretch of both their arms, only joined by Steve’s firm hold on his forearm.
Eddie’s face was difficult to make out, but Steve could imagine the boy’s gaze flicking over him.
“Uh,” Eddie swallowed noticeably, “Steve?”
Steve thought back to Eddie’s words to the other guy. He thought about the hundreds of times Eddie had touched, smiled at and flirted with him.
“We’re somewhere a little quieter, if you wanted to be bolder.”
Eddie sucked in a sharp breath, clearly realising what he was referencing.
“How drunk are you?” he whispered.
“Only had one beer.”
“High?”
Steve shook his head. “Only when I’m with you.”
Eddie made a small noise. He hesitated for just a moment before he stepped tentatively closer. Steve let go of his arm but didn’t otherwise move. Eddie kept walking, a pause behind each new movement until he ended up with one arm braced on the wall above Steve’s head. Eddie’s hair fell between them as he leaned down over him in a move Steve had pulled on too many girls to count.
It was the first time someone had pulled it on him.
Eddie was biting hard on his bottom lip; the raw confidence he’d had to flirt with a guy in the middle of a party was gone. The easy teasing and touching that he normally offered Steve was also absent.
Steve lifted his hand, this time resting it lightly on Eddie’s chest. Eddie’s breath left him in a rush.
“Eddie?”
“You’re making me really nervous, sweetheart,” Eddie blurted. “Like, really fucking nervous. I don’t know what you want me to do or - or not do and we’re so fucking close and-”
“Eddie,” Steve interjected softly. “What would you do, if I was, you know, that guy?”
Eddie laughed. “Christ, Steve. I’d have already been kissing you.”
Steve’s heart flipped and his other hand twitched with the desire to pull the other boy closer.
“Okay,” he said.
“Okay?” Eddie repeated, sounding unsure.
Steve smiled and shifted nearer. “Okay.”
He then closed the last distance, tilting his head and letting his lips brush Eddie’s. The metalhead made a sound, shocked but yearning. He was also the one who tilted his head, slotted their mouths better together and pressed back. Steve released a soft sigh and closed his eyes.
The kiss was soft and sweet, tentative in a way that, before this, Eddie never was. His hand was also careful; slowly and gently cupping Steve’s jaw. His hand was warm but his rings cold as he held Steve so delicately.
Steve finally let his free hand raise, curling around Eddie’s waist under his leather jacket, tugging him a minute distance closer. Eddie shuffled forward, but the movement never once broke the slow and tender kiss. It didn’t even deepen, not the way Steve was sure it would have if he’d been any other guy that Eddie had invited back here.
But Eddie liked him, and Steve was pretty sure he liked him too.
When the kiss finally ended, their lips breaking apart with a small sound, Eddie shuddered, his whole body seeming wracked with the tremor.
“Eddie?” he asked, immediately concerned, his hand sliding over Eddie’s side.
“What the hell are we – are you doing?” Eddie asked, sounding raw.
His fingers twitched on Steve’s jaw but he didn’t pull away. Steve had a feeling that nothing, not even pitchfork wielding football players would get Eddie to move from him right now.
“Honestly?” Steve said. “I’ve got no idea.” He moved his hand further, resting it at the small of Eddie’s back. “But it’s good. Kissing you is good.”
Eddie gave a strangled huff of air, possibly intending it to be a laugh before his head lowered, his forehead brushing Steve’s.
“Christ, Stevie,” Eddie whispered. “In all my fucking fantasies, and I’ll be honest, I’ve had a lot about you, I never thought you’d actually do this.” He breathed heavily. “I’m kind of… kind of freaking out a little.”
“Don’t freak out,” Steve said, rubbing his back soothingly. “I’m not.”
“And why aren’t you?” he demanded. “It’s fucking dark here but not so much to hide the fact I’m a guy.”
Steve shook his head, but not enough to disrupt their foreheads.
“It’s not about that. It’s you.” He grinned a little. “Maybe, it’s just ‘cause you’ve been warming me up to it for months, but I don’t know man. Nothing about this has felt anything but good since I worked it out.”
Eddie gave another not-quite laugh, but this one finally sounded less stressed or afraid and more like his typical amused exasperation.
“I swear to God, if you’re telling me that my flirting has been slowly chipping you down toward actually liking me-”
“Is that a bad thing?” Steve interrupted, amused.
“Nooo,” Eddie said, dragging out the word.
He didn’t elaborate, rather, he gently placed a hand on Steve’s waist and, after gaining no resistance, sliding it around his back, pulling them into an intimate half hug. Eddie’s head turned; his face hidden against the curve of his neck. After a second, Steve felt warm lips brush his skin before pressing down harder in a simple but distinct kiss.
“Eddie?”
“I…” his breath travelled over Steve’s skin, “I want this so fucking much, Steve, but you’re still freaking me out. I can’t… I feel like something’s going to happen and it’ll all be wrong or not true or a God damn dream.”
He pulled in another breath, but Steve moved a hand to his hair, gently stroking the strands the way he’d done after a dozen nightmares.
“It’s okay,” he said. “I get it.” He thought about what to do before saying, “Hey. Why don’t you come home with me? Robin’s got Vickie, she doesn’t need us. We can just… hang out and you can spend the night. Tomorrow morning, we’ll talk, or, you know, I’ll kiss you again. Bright light of day, no alcohol or second guessing in sight. Sound good?”
He could feel Eddie twitching, some of his constant manic energy resurfacing. He was sure if they weren’t still pressed together, he’d be twirling his rings or pacing, instead, his fingers were beating an absent pattern on Steve’s lower back.
“Single condition,” he finally said.
“Okay. Shoot.”
Eddie lifted his head. It was still too dark to really make out his face (and Steve was going to enjoy tomorrow when that would be fixed) but Steve could see his nervousness and his bitten lower lip.
“Kiss me again? Here?”
Steve smiled. He cupped Eddie’s cheek and pulled him near, only breathing the word when they were inches apart. “Deal.”
When Eddie sighed, Steve caught the sound with his lips.