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It was Friday between practice sessions. Toto crossed the distance between garage and pitwall. Christian followed him with his eyes. It wasn't hard to do. Toto was usually the tallest person around, even now, when the Mercedes team principal had to make his way politely through a sea of people - mechanics, engineers, camera crews, VIPs - lining the pitlane. His stature and sheer presence always drew the looks of passersby.
Christian tried not to do this too often, to indulge his interest, be it personal or professional, in everything the Austrian did. He tried not to look too closely at the man himself. The way he walked in large strides towards the Mercedes pitwall. The way he greeted his people with big smiles and handshakes with even bigger hands. The way he now leaned back at the railing, bulging arms crossed before his white-clad chest while talking to the senior Mercedes engineers.
In no case did Christian want to get caught staring. Not by the Red Bull employees - some of whom, like Andrian, knew him quite well and would sooner or later connect the dots. Not by the press. Nor by Toto. Obviously.
However, sometimes, like right now, Toto would notice Christian's line of sight, look up and bless the other team principal with a small grin and a casual raise of his hand as a greeting before tuning back into the conversation.
Christian didn't know whether it was elation, anger or nausea that made his stomach flutter. It was a reminder that using the precious time of respite from his usually packed schedule for longing looks across the pitlane would lead nowhere. It was entirely unprofessional.
After greeting the Mercedes boss in return, Christian went back to reading the data on his pitwall screen. Well, he tried to. He had to take what he could get, didn't he? Toto was always holed up in the back of the Mercedes garage surrounded by staff. Seeing him in the sunshine was a treat. He didn't voluntarily interact with Christian, neither on a professional nor personal level.
Why should he? The both of them only had far too many things in common. They should be friends. But they couldn't, could they? The two of them were too often at each other's throats. Besides, it wasn't really friendship Christian craved. No, something far more selfish. Not even he could kid himself into thinking it's anything but, to want to see Toto more often, any time, all the time. To be witness to the real man behind the facade. To talk with him for hours about whatever struck their fancy. To kiss him or... Or just a hug. A hug would be enough and worth more than all of the above at the same time.
Christian's a hugger. It wasn't a secret. He hugged his drivers and some of the engineers after a good race. Hell, every now and then even Helmut. Sometimes loosely, sometimes accompanied by manly claps on the back, sometimes not more than a good-natured pad on shoulders, sometimes a full-on, almost restricting bear hug. With Toto he'd always been afraid to initiate more than a handshake. To give himself away. To make a move, the wrong move.
Toto could be sunny, confident, charming people all around. Whereas to Christian he had only gotten colder over the years. They had tried to undermine each other's influence on the sport from the point Toto became head of everything Mercedes in Formula 1 and the rest of the racing world while Red Bull had no longer operated the most competitive car on track.
However, before that, they were friendly.
Thewas a time when they used to be able to hold interesting conversations over lunch, dinner or just for the sake of intellectually challenging, inspiring, meaningful conversation. They talked about everything from their past and present jobs to politics, psychology and cars and even forayed into personal topics like their childhood and Toto's children and wife Susie. Christian had remained reasonably tight-lipped about the sorry state of his private life.
Over the course of these first few months of their acquaintance, Toto and Christian discovered that they largely shared the same sense of humour, which also meant they couldn't help constantly poking good-natured fun at each other. It elevated their interactions from good rapport to great company. Maybe even friendship.
In hindsight, Christian doubted that they really had been as close as he remembered, given that Toto was entirely uninterested in continuing to share time with him from one day to the next. Maybe he didn't see the point anymore. Maybe his job, his family, all the hats he wore demanded more time. Maybe he'd simply replaced Christian with Niki as a sounding board - an on-paper foe with an on-paper friend - after the two Austrians had sorted their initial differences. Maybe he got sick of Christian's occasional inability to read the room and stop the teasing arguments. Maybe he caught on to Christian's budding feelings, the way his gaze would sometimes linger on his face and eyes a little longer than socially appropriate. The way Christian tried to keep his glances from straying to other places, in a more-than-matey kind of way.
Toto wasn't unobservant, far from it, not with a tough past, a fundamental interest in psychology and years of experience in assessing people in as short amount of time as possible. Not with Christian unable to put up a front when he's comfortable, happy even.
Whatever the reason for the abrupt end to their meetings, if there even was a reason, they never talked about it, or why they used to search out each other's company in the first place.
Christian wasn't sure, either, what he could have done to keep the small place he'd acquired in Toto's life. Or whether he should have fought for a tentative friendship. Or more, his pathetic heart budded in, that wasn't available in the first place - Toto was happily married and Christian wasn't enough of a bastard challenge that even in his dreams. He also didn't have the luxury to forget that they had a job to do. They had the identical goal and only one of them could reach it: winning the Constructors' Championship and hence the biggest piece of the money cake.
For all intents and purposes, Toto had just used the opportunity to feel out who would be his main opponent in the sport for the next decade and never developed any sort of platonic affection for Christian. It was probably better this way. Cut all contact instead of trying to make a faux-friendship work. One of these days the Englishman would have made an utter fool out of himself.
They say, crushes come and go. It just so happened that this one wouldn't lessen, even now, a decade and too many feuds about strategy groups, regulations and cost caps later. It didn't help that they saw each other every other weekend. It didn't help that Christian had no one at the centre of his life to dispel any ill-advised attraction towards tall Austrians. Which in turn had vast and at the same time very simple reasons.
His job as CEO and team principal meant he was spending more nights in hotel rooms than in his own bed. It left very little time to nurture a relationship. He was lucky enough to get to do what he loved for a living and do it with a passion other people reserved for their families and hobbies. Ever since he was a boy who begged his mum to buy him the run-down kart that was advertised in the paper, he had loved racing. For more than two decades, his singular focus had been on sustaining his racing and later his business career. Only after Red Bull had finally won races, championships, Christian had paused and noticed that he had never had anything beyond that. Before he could take the decision to change that, he had already taken a liking to Toto, a man of Christian's kind, a control-freak dedicated to what he did for a living, but who hadn't made the same mistakes as him.
Christian had enjoyed free choice of the partners in his brief past relationships. Back then, he was aware that the traditional Formula 1 fans who witnessed the golden age of V10s and Schumacher wouldn't understand it.
However, they went a long way in terms of tolerance in the last years. Not just because pretty rainbow-coloured products sold well, also because of individual efforts like Lewis'. Christian was privately pretty grateful about it.
And that was the crux of the matter, wasn't it?
Privately.
That's all Christian could have. If he accidently came out, the press would have a field day, even though they would surely be devastated that it wasn't one of the drivers. Christian didn't believe that he could continue to do his job, at least not like before, without constantly having to look over his shoulder. His personal safety wouldn't be garanteed in countries with dubious to deadly policies against same-sex relationships. The mood in the paddock would be entirely unpredictable. Either way, his person would receive more attention than warranted when he didn't demand it while representing RBR.
So, it was with some resentment that Christian looked back on that time period. He sometimes entertained thoughts on what would have happened, had he stayed in touch with Toto on a personal level. If they knew each other better than barely. A viscious little voice told him it was because he was still yearning for the other man's approval. Would Christian have had the guts to tell Toto that he wasn't straight and had no private life to speak of because he loved his job too much to risk it for something that was under his control? That he was in love with one-of-a-kind Toto Wolff? Because that's what it was. You couldn't tell yourself it was only a crush for a decade.
What would Toto have had to offer in response? A blank look and swift exit? A gentle rebuff and support? A laugh for the sake of the absurdity? Pity? A shrug and the desire to never mention it again? A harsher rejection? A fist in his face? Toto wasn't a violent person but Christian wouldn't have been surprised if Toto's temper would have gotten the better of him, had this confession coincided with the 2021 season.
Reciprocation was a possibility, a fantasy, that Christian had almost categorically refused to entertain. Toto was too conscious of his public image to ever consider giving Christian a chance, even if he would be less devoted to Susie, if the intact life of his children would mean less to him, if he could ignore that they were fierce competitors, if he would be interested in men, if he were at all attracted to Christian himself. However, all of that was part of the person Christian was so fond of and irritated by, so it was a moot point.
But did Toto know about Christian's attraction anyway? Had he seen through him? Recent comments of his seem to suggest he did. "I live in his head rent-free. The guy is obsessed with me" couldn't be closer to the truth after all. Being so transparent to the Austrian had felt very much like a gut punch. After that, Christian feared that Toto's reaction to his actual feelings would be more sneering than comforting.
So, maybe the bitterness and pining Christian still held onto had played a role in escalating their increasingly competitive professional relationship into a clashing war of words.
Oh, they were still respectful. Of course. Deep respect and curiosity were the initial reasons for their exchanges after all. There was just nothing more and nothing less than respect for each other left after ten years of distant professionalism. The most private space they recently shared was the press conference couch.
Now that Red Bull and Max had a decisive lead on the others and Toto and Christian less to fight about, the two of them were hopefully on the mend.
So, if rare longing looks at the man he fell in love with, making jokes at his and the Mercedes team's expense and treasuring every smile, frown and eye-roll he received in return were all he could get, then Christian really couldn't complain. After all, it was his own cowardice that kept him from finding out more...
He shook off the remains of his trip down memory lane. It couldn't have lasted more than a few seconds. Nobody had called for his attention yet. Well, perhaps someday in the future he could try his hand at being friends with Toto, he thought to himself with a barely-there smile. Maybe they would eventually have that conversation, for the sake of Christian's peace of mind.