Work Text:
"I hate you all!"
Asuka's voice was shrill, the thin door of the girl's room holding no chance in muting her enraged torrent
The shatter of glass
Something heavy thrown against the wall
More yells and cries
Such scenes of maddened, unhinged passion were hardly a surprise when it came to Asuka. Self-control seemed to be always out of reach for her, but since the latest battles she had only gotten worse.
Ever more violent had her outburst become, to the point that Shinji could no longer sit back idly
He stood behind Asuka's door, the sounds of her near-maniac struggle growing louder and louder. Gulping, and with a trembling hand, Shinji knocked as politely as he could
"What!"
He flinched, every fiber of his being screaming to flee and hide away to his room, just as he had done so many times before
Shinji steeled himself, taking a deep breath to soothe his frayed nerves.
He wouldn't run
Not this time
"Asuka, it's me…I-I just want to talk" Shinji stammered, cringing at the nervous stutter of his voice. But it was too late to walk back now, and so he waited, all activity in the room beyond appearing to cease almost immediately
After a brief lull, the door flung open, the red-haired pilot standing fiercely before him
"What do you want idiot"
Her every word was spoken with such spite, such malice that it alone made Shinji recoil. Her intense glare only further burning a hole through his resolve
Shinji's heart pulsed, the pounding echo reverberating through his body. Already Askua had driven a great terror through him, but he continued to hold fast, refusing to let her anger from driving him back
"I….I just wanted to check up on you, to see how you were doing"
The frown on Asuka's face softened and her shoulders slouched. For a moment Shinji could almost believe his olive branch, this simple offer of goodwill and compassion had succeeded
Only for Asuka to shatter all such pretenses
A countenance of utter contempt had returned to greet Shinji. He instantly recoiled, raising his arms instinctually and stepping back.
"How do you think I'm doing?! I don't need your pity you bastard!" Her yells echoed through the hall, an accusatory finger pointed at Shinji as she advanced upon him.
He continued to retreat until finding himself in the living room, shrinking beneath Askua's ever-strengthening ire.
"But I'm just trying to help! Why do you always act like this to me?” Shinji questioned, his voice laced with confusion.
Had he not always been helpful? Had he not gone out his way to be as silent, as unassuming and far removed from any problems as he could be?
Apparently it was not enough for Askua, who only spiraled further into a dogged rage
"You left me! You left me to die all because you're such a useless coward!" Her words cut deep, deeper perhaps then she knew.
"I'm sorry, please Asuka I didn't mean for any of this to happen….I…." Shinji paused, his throat felt uncomfortably tight and his mouth dry, whatever utterances he had died before they could be given a voice
How could he explain? How could he make her understand the pain, the constant sorrow and unyielding pressure that crashed down upon him and threatened to break apart the very essence of his being? There was so much to be said, so much to be made known, all in the faint hope that Asuka would see and understand
But he couldn’t
Shinji remained paralyzed where he stood, mouth agape and hands raised in a defensive posture. Weak and impotent, he could do nothing but stare at Asuka.
She stared back, a scowl etched upon her face. But Asuka remained quiet, a heavy silence filling the air. Shinji’s mind raced with thoughts, yet came up blank all at once, a contradictory mess wrought from fear and unease
Caught in his failure, Shinji casted his eyes to the floor, unable to bear for another second the hateful gaze of Asuka. Desperately he tried to think of something, anything to say in that moment which would fill the crushing silence
“Look at me”
Askuka spoke first
“Look at me”
She repeated once more, louder and filled with venom
“Look at me!”
Stomping her feet and arms flailing wildly, Asuka looked akin to a tantruming child, but behind that juvenile rage was a force that struck a bitter chord in Shinji
Reluctantly, he looked back to face her. She still bore the same primal look, her hands opening and closing as if seconds away from strangling the very life out of him
“Useless, you’re completely useless” Asuka spat out "You can't do anything! You can't even look at me!" her voice raised its volume and in a blur of movement she grabbed a nearby cup, sending it slamming against the floor
It shattered into countless pieces, the shards flying out in all directions, some managing to collide against Shinji. He winced as the sharp porcelain cut into his feet and ankles, blood dripping from the fresh wounds.
Pain flared, yet the boy did what he could to ignore it, instead shifting his concern to Asuka's rabid behavior
"You ran away Shinji, all because you're too weak to be a pilot! Why did you even come back? I bet you enjoyed watching me almost die!" She paid his injuries no mind, her cavalcade of insults and accusations continuing to let loose in an endless stream
“That’s not true, stop saying those things” Shinji pleaded, but to no avail as it fell upon Asuka’s deaf ears
“Shut up! You don’t get to tell me what to do! You did nothing when that…" Now it was her turn to freeze up. Asuka's voice cracked, her face downcast and eyes shielded by her messy hair. Shinji could make out the faintest hints of a tremor overtaking the girl's arms and legs, he moved to speak, only to again be stopped in his tracks
"When that thing raped my mind all you did was watch" She spoke in a low growl, a voice far more subdued then the raucous shouting Shinji had been subjected to.
"They wouldn’t let me help you Asuka, there was nothing I could have done”
“Liar”
“I'm not a liar…please I just want to help you! I-I don't want to fight” In a brash feat of courage Shinji approached his fellow pilot and placed a hand on her shoulder. It was an act of desperate improvisation, unsure what he'd actually do but believing it better then simply standing and taking her abuse
"Can't we just ta-"
"Don't touch me!" In an instant Asuka returned to her previous tone, shouting as she shoved Shinji, using far more force than necessary. He stumbled back, landing against a nearby wall. His body ached from the rough impact, the cuts on his lower extremities flaring a stinging pain
"Idiot! I don't need your help! I don't need anyone's help!" Asuka turned around, seemingly spent from her confrontation with Shinji
He, however, was not
"Fine, leave then! This is why no one likes being around you!" A sudden bout of anger coursed through his blood, a simmering frustration born from countless cases of indignities and transgressions, worsened thanks to the culprit behind such offenses.
Asuka, one of three, the only other person in the entire world who knew how it felt. A mere child forced to shoulder such titanic burdens, she should have related, she should have sympathized and yet all Shinji ever received was callousness of a most arrogant variety.
The cauldron of tumultuous emotions boiled over, and soon he could no longer stop himself
"You always act like such a….such a bitch!" The word was filthy on Shinji's tongue, but its vulgarity encapsulated his feelings in that moment, being yelled out in an aggression most unbecoming of him
The audacious burst of belligerence did not go unignored, Asuka stopping dead in her tracks. She whipped her head back, her eyes transfixed upon Shinji in a murderous gaze. His heart sunk, an icy blackness of dread coalescing in the boy’s soul . Immediately Shinji regretted what he had done, the defiance dissipating away and panic flooding in to replace
“I'm so sorry, I-I didn't mean to sa–”
Shinji’s head snapped to the side, his cheek throbbing with immense pain. Asuka's hand was raised and stretched out, the two remained locked in this position as though all of time had stopped
It all happened so fast that Shinji could barely process what exactly had occurred, but before he could even attempt to do so Asuka moved again. Her hand reared back, slapping Shinji once more
Then another blow came, beckoning a series of strikes that flew in quick succession
Asuka's slim frame belied the true power she could muster, each blow coming in stronger then next, the violent sound of every attack bouncing off the walls. Her opened hand clenched into a fist, the final blow landing in the form of a shattering punch.
He was hit square on the nose, the cartilage giving way beneath Asuka's knuckles. Shinji was sent sprawling onto the floor, blood pouring profusely from his nostrils.
Asuka looked on, first at the boy she had so ruthlessly battered down, then to her hand stained with inklings of Shinji's blood. She focused back down upon him, his hands were clutched at his nose and she could hear his labored breathing, shallow and intercut with pained gasps.
The stern look on Asuka's face vanished, and for the briefest of moments an expression of sorrow made itself known. Her brows knitted together and mouth forming into an abashed grimace, her breaths shuddering to match that of Shinji’s. It disappeared as fast as it came, but the effect imparted upon Asuka remained
She hurried away, nearly tripping over her own feet as Asuka rushed to the front door. Swinging it open, the panicked girl fled, running to whatever safety she could find outside the apartment's confines.
The door closed shut on its own after her departure, leaving Shinji to a forlorn solitude as he unraveled
It was a slow thing at first. The gradual welling of tears in his eyes, the numbing shock leaving and making room for the unwelcome reality of his situation, and the pain. The stinging, throbbing pain was a constant, only growing worse by the second and clearing away Shinji’s dazed stupor. Ghostly sensations, phantoms of grief and gnawing anxiety, rose to life and clamped onto his spirit
He grabbed at his chest, it became harder to breathe as if he'd been pinned under a terrible weight. Every gulp of air was forced and frantic, Shinji gasped down what he could but it was never enough. His whole world spun and a disgusting nausea swept through his body.
Shinji finally broke down
He sobbed, little more than a choked grunt, but more powered their way through until he could no longer resist. Loudly Shinji cried, the heavy tears leaving a burning trail down his face. His body wracked with further sobs and hiccups, the sound weak and pitiful.
On shaky legs Shjini slowly stood, mewling in pain as he walked, whimpers following each step. His stumbling movements bore traction and soon he found himself inside his bedroom, with a final burst exertion Shinji collapsed atop his bed.
His weeping never stopped
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hours past by, the stuffy evening shifting into the melancholic darkness of night. There was no signs of any activity that could disturb the apartment's deep stillness, but the front door sliding would introduce new life into the deadened surroundings
Light shone from outside, illuminating a figure who stood in the doorway. Exhaustion written all over her face, the skin beneath her eyes had sagged into blackened bags and her purple hair a frizzled, unkempt mess.
Misato's duties, and her shadowed attempts at discerning the truths behind NERV, had enveloped all the time and energy she had.
“It would have been easier just to sleep in my office” The major lamented to herself, yawning as she stepped inside. Of course even Misato knew that leaving her charges home alone for so long would be an irresponsible move.
But where exactly had they gone? It may have been late, but even at this hour there would still be something to note that others lived here, be it the lingering scent of Shinji's cooking or Asuka staying up simply to play video games
A more alert Misato might have been concerned by this dissonance, but for now the only focus of her sleep-addled mind was how long it would take until she could actually lay in bed
Yet not even her exhaustion could prevent Misato from balking at the sight which soon greeted her eye's
Shattered glass
Dried splotches of blood forming a faint trail
She had certainly seen far worse displays, but it was where that blood lead and who it most likely belonged to that sent Misato racing
"Shinji!"
Already the worst of thoughts flowed, did somebody break in? Did he hurt himself? Was this some new breed of angel that had attacked and gone undetected?
She threw open the door to his room and rushed in without a second thought. To her relief, Shinji was laid flat on his bed, but his unresponsive state brought out another bout of panic.
"Shinji!" Misato repeated her cry, rushing to his side. She turned him over, gasping at what she saw.
The right side of Shinji's face was swollen and bloodied, covered in a discolored array of bruises and welts. His nose fared little better, she could tell it had only stopped bleeding just moments before.
Placing a gentle hand atop his unscathed cheek, Misato gathered Shinji in her arms. The raising and lowering of his chest, accompanied by struggled breaths of air, dispelled the worst of her fears. But her heart still ached at his misery and she could hardly stand to look at his injuries.
“Shinji” She intoned, her voice a coarse whisper, “What happened? Who did this to you?”
He looked at her through blank, bloodshot eyes, sniffling yet otherwise remaining silent. This quiet impasse lasted for what felt like an eternity, until Shinji finally moved to speak. Instead of words, what came out was a wheezing grunt, his eyes blurring with tears signaling the start of another outburst. He wept, just as broken and pathetic as he sounded all those hours ago
Except this time Shinji was no longer alone
Misato wrapped her arms around him, keeping his body locked in a protective embrace. He looked so miserable, so utterly shattered and torn apart that it alone brought the women to tears, her own vision growing spotty. His head was planted against Misato’s breasts, crying into her chest as she did all she could to alleviate the boy’s sorrow
“Hey, hey it’s alright Shinji, everythings going to be okay I promise you” Misato spoke in a soft voice, filled with a maternal sweetness that brought a illuminating warmth to Shinji, helping to coax him out of the frigid blackness that he had long been immersed in
Though the boy continued to bawl and weep, curling up against Misato's body as his hands grabbed at her back, joining together in their embrace. In return, Misato ruffled her fingers through Shinji's hair as she cradled him, gently rocking his fragile form
She murmured praise and reassurance into his ear, shushing his cries with a tender love that Misato gave in all the abundance she could.
"Your safe now, no one is going to hurt you"
"Take a deep breath for me alright?"
"Everything is going to be okay"
Misato continued to comfort, laying her heart bare before Shinji with every word. In time the efforts would pay off, his sobbing reduced to stifled whimpers and the flow of tears receding to nothingness. She let him stay like this, nestled atop her lap as he slowly recovered and returned to his senses.
But the major still had questions to be answered, her despair for Shinji slowly replaced by a sharp anger that someone, anyone would dare do such a thing to the boy she was meant to protect
“Who did this to you? Tell me exactly what happened" Misato's voice lost all of its pleasant softness, evoking now the cold demeanor of authority, sounding more like an order then it did a request.
Shinji gulped, sweat glistening off his pale, clammy skin, only with reluctance did he speak
"It…it was Asuka" his confession was meek, but that did little to stay Misato's ire
'So it was her….of course it was. She's gone too far this time. I swear once I get my hands on her'
"Don't!"
Shinji's plea cut through her rambled thoughts, and only then does Misato realize that she voiced them aloud.
"Please don't hurt her Misato, it's not her fault!" His begging eyes, agitated and wild, were lit by fear as they dared to look up at his guardian. "I-I made her upset, just please don't hurt her, she needs help"
"Calm down Shinji I'm not going to hurt her, but this" Misato reached out, delicately caressing his damaged cheek "this isn't right, what she did isn't right. Their is no excuse for it"
"None of this is right. Everything that’s happening is wrong"
Shinji hadn't meant to say that, but he held no regrets as the remark slid off his tongue.
“I know”
Misato held no regrets either in her response, a mutual glint of understanding linking the pair together. Truly nothing about their circumstances was right.
The EVA
NERV
The Angels
Everything about them was wrong, bound together by an awful, fathomless secret that Misato did all she could to uncover
“I don’t know if I can do this anymore” Shinji paused, leaving his words hanging in the air “I'm scared Misato"
"That's okay" Misato drew him closer into her nurturing hold and pressed her lips against his forehead, leaving a gentle, if not prolonged kiss that made Shinji's ear's burn a bright red "its okay to be scared, there's nothing wrong with that, but you can still leave, you can still leave all this behind and be safe"
"I can't. I can't leave, I can't go. You saw what happened when I tried" He sighed, the simple gesture replete with a dejected emptiness “I don't have a choice, if I leave then people are going to get hurt! I don't…i dont know what to do anymore”
Misato remained quiet, her brain combing through the right words, the right set of sentences that would allay his concerns and bring him peace. But she could find nothing, for the awful truth is that he was right
What terrible burdens Shinji had been heaped with, the expectation to fight and die, the lives of billions placed in his hands and all this done in the name of an organization that Misato herself barely understood. In the end there was only one thing she could say
"I'm sorry Shinji, I'm so sorry you've been hurt so much…it's not fair"
Not fair
How could any of this be fair? He was just a child, almost half her age and yet his entire life presented only suffering. Was this all Shinji had to look towards? One stage of abuse to another until the end?
Misato refused to believe it, she'd fight against such an idea tooth and nail until there was no chance of it every coming to light
Her resolve now invigorated, Misato propped Shinji up, ensuring that he'd remain attentive to her each and every word
"Shinji, listen to me" Her command was drenched in a honeyed kindness, yet remained firm just enough to give Shinji no other choice but to obey "One day this is all going to be over. There will be no more EVA, no more NERV. You won't have to worry about being in danger. You’ll be able to live a normal life, I promise” Misato dipped her forehead down, planting it against Shinji’s
“You poor thing” She cooed wistfully “Everything will be okay, I swear Shinji. Just promise me you’ll be strong, just for a little while longer, then it’ll all be over”
“I….” Shinji paused, his look sullen as though in great contemplation “I promise Misato….Thank you. Thank you for everything”
She smiled at that, hugging him deeper against her bosom “You’re welcome, I’ll protect you Shinji, and I’ll protect Asuka too, I promise the both of you are going to be safe”
Misato took a final look at his injuries, tracing her fingers over the myriad of cuts and bruises, only stopping once Shinji winced at the contact
“But right now just let me take care of you, I’ll make everything better Shinji” Her grip tightened, keeping him close as she stood, hoisting Shinji up with her “Can’t have you walking when your feet are all cut now can I?”
A blush stained his features, life and color at last returning to the boy's face. He was certainly no less receptive to Misato, still clinging to her as she carried him away like a baby would to its mother. For once he felt safe, the reality outside meant nothing for as long as he was in her arms. Misato's touch, her soothing words and mere inviting presence blended together into one, working in tandem to mend his broken spirit
The mist-like gloom that clouded Shinji's perceptions cleared away, revealing now another truth
He was loved
It was the hardest to accept, but the truth couldn't be denied. Through this hell Shinji had one person who cared, in the end that would be enough for him
Closing his strained eyes, Shinji resigned himself to Misato, letting her carry him away to parts unknown. And through it all, only a single thought laid past both of their minds, unifying each in this unspoken declaration
'I love you'