Work Text:
Dazai was constantly trying his best to be someone Oda would be proud of. Pushing himself to his limits at work to save as many people as possible. Even though he made it seem like he was slacking to Kunikida, just to get some joy out of messing with the idealist.
Yet, he found himself feeling like a failure more often than not. Since sometimes, people will still die, even after he put all his plans into action. He doesn’t display his disappointment in himself as openly as his blonde coworker, but it was there. Eating a deep hole in him.
That was what happened this particular day. Dazai had let a couple die because he kept Kunikida from jumping in the way to save them. He knew Yosano wouldn’t make it in time to save his partner, and chose that his life was more important than the innocent couple who would have to die in his place.
The scolding he got later had been his first punishment. Although, the president, Fukuzawa, thanked him for saving Kunikida. It was something he hardly acknowledged, just nodding as he was told he did the right thing. The couple may have still died, even if Kunikida got in the way. That would have been three deaths, instead of the two that occurred.
However, that didn’t matter to him, as he sat on his futon. He’d drank way too much alcohol, and was sure to be hungover in the morning. Dazai wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol fuelling his dark thoughts, and desire for punishment, or if he was just that fucked up without it.
All he knew, was that he felt useless because he failed to save people. So, he needed his punishment, which came in the form of a blade, and a few other little items he saved for days he felt he really needed to hurt. He started unravelling his bandages, and slid his clothes off, not wanting to soak them in blood.
Then, without much thought, he dug the small razor blade into his thigh. It slid easily through the flesh of his thigh, and into the fat. Blood didn’t start filling in right away, taking several seconds after he’d removed the blade from the cut for a bit of blood to start filling it in. Dazai’s hands shook as he repeated the action, trying to do ten deep cuts on each thigh to make up for the loss of two lives.
He barely made it to eight cuts on the first thigh before the blood overflowing from the first few cuts had painted most of his upper thigh in blood. It made him glad that he covered the windows with curtains and locked the door, so no one would see him like that. Each cut would need stitches, which would hurt too, adding onto his punishment.
Taking a deep breath, he dug the blade in even harder. The sight of more of the inside of his thigh made him chuckle. It was partly from how delirious he had become from the blood loss. His vision was a bit fuzzy, but that didn’t stop him from continuing, completely unaware that Kunikida was calling him.
Kunikida had been informed that the civilians likely still would have died had he thrown himself in the way, and wanted to apologize. But he couldn't get in contact with his coworker, who he knew was at home, having seen him enter the apartment, and not exit. So, he was coming over with the spare key in case he gets ignored, but hoping knocking would be enough.
Dazai startled when he heard the knocking, darkness was bleeding into his vision, and he was realizing that he might just die from it. He wasn’t intending to attempt suicide that evening, but if it happened, he’d accept it. But he knew his plans were in trouble from the sound of knocking getting louder.
His ears were ringing, though, and it sounded almost hollow, so he wasn’t sure the sound was real. The fuzziness got stronger as he saw the door swing open, and then it was just darkness, as it consumed him.
Having unlocked the door, Kunikida was about to scold Dazai, until he saw the other laying on his futon with a razor blade in his hand. Blood was soaked into the futon, and all over the brunette’s thighs, and he panicked at the sight. Pulling out his phone, he called for an ambulance, before running over to his coworker to try and slow or stop the bleeding.
Looking at the bloody thighs, he wasn’t sure how where to start. Unsure, he grabbed the nearby blanket, and placed it over the wounds, then applied pressure. He’d never been in a situation where someone was bleeding so much, and it brought him stress beyond anything he’d ever felt.
For a very long time, he was stuck, sitting on the floor, and trying to keep his partner from bleeding to death. Which he succeeded in, but only just barely, as Dazai seemed to be slipping away just before help arrived.
—
Waking in the hospital was not something Dazai had expected.
He felt like his body was made of lead, and moving would be too much of a chore. An IV was in his arm, and he just wanted to go back to sleep. But he knew he shouldn’t because he’d likely been unconscious for a long time already.
Footsteps could be heard approaching his room, and he wondered if a doctor was coming. However, the door opened to reveal a few of his coworkers. Kunikida, Tanizaki, and their most recent recruit, Kenji. He turned his head to look at his guests, seeing two relieved faces, who seemed happy he was awake.
“You made us worry,” Kunikida told him, not even bothering to say hi first.
“Sorry,” was all Dazai could get out, his throat feeling scratchy.
He received a sigh in response, before Kenji came over to talk to him too, “I don’t know what happened, but I’m very glad that you’re alright Dazai!”
The optimism brought a smile to his face, as Tanizaki decided to speak too, “It was rather concerning hearing you were in the hospital, but it’s nice to see that you’re still doing alright enough to be awake.”
Dazai nodded, feeling too tired to attempt speaking again. All of them could see the exhaustion still present on his features. That was when Kunikida made a decision for all of them.
“I’m gonna go get a nurse to go get you some water, and then we’ll leave you to rest,” he stated, knowing no one would argue with him.
Knowing he couldn’t get away from dealing with nurses and doctors, he weakly nodded and smiled as his partner walked out of the room. It wasn’t like this mess was going to make him any less desperate to keep his promise to Oda, even if there are times it makes him feel horrible.