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Jungwon hated his mind. He hated his mind so much, he wished he could turn it off. That little voice that nags at him to make everything perfect and don’t mess up never shuts up. Jungwon is sick of it. Living as an idol with an anxiety disorder is not fun. It’s one of the most horrible experiences in the world, Jungwon could only hope no one knew what he was constantly feeling, 365 days, 24/7. He would never wish this upon even his worst enemy.
There were definitely highs and lows with his anxiety, as with any mental disorder someone might have. But Jungwon felt like his lows were possibly the lowest of lows someone could ever experience in life. The team knew this all too well; they were all attuned to everyone’s personality greatly over the past couple of years. Now, it wasn’t exactly common, but when Jungwon was experiencing a low the whole team was sensitive. Usually, one person would recognize the signs in Jungwon and talk to the team, and then comfort him for however long it took (usually it would be the member that first recognized the signs). They all loved the member of the maknae line greatly, they would do anything for him, even pick him up when he fell. But that didn’t keep Jungwon from feeling guilty; he never wanted to be a burden on his members so he tried hiding his lows, but someone would always be able to tell. The boys never minded either, their leader was incredibly precious to them, someone they couldn’t do without. So if he needed comfort and certainty every once and a while? They’d give it to him no questions asked.
Like today. Jungwon was in the middle of recovering from one of his lows, Jay had been actively care of the younger in his own way, silent but still supporting. Little did he know that Jungwon had just started to have panic attacks. Jungwon knew the signs; he knew all too well what a panic attack was supposed to feel like. But actually experiencing one for the first time was incredibly harrowing to the young idol. It had been a couple of days since his first panic attack, and Jungwon was constantly on edge. He didn’t tell any of his members; he knew they were already too worried about him.
His panic attacks came at mostly inconvenient times, like now, at a fansign with their fans in a venue that was about 20 minutes away from their dorm. He could fell how fragile his mental state was immediately after he woke up; after his first three panic attacks ever, he never wanted to leave his bed ever again. Just rot away silently in his private room and have no one bother him ever again. It felt like his leadership duties only grew immensely now because their popularity had skyrocketed. On top of the regular anxiety that came with their comeback, Jungwon was falling apart at the seams, and the others knew it as well as he did. Jungwon knew how lucky he was to be the leader of such an amazing group, and how he was truly blessed to have staff members that actually cared for him and members that loved him for who he was. But Jungwon couldn’t help but wish his workload was even the slightest bit easier.
And yet, here he was, doing aegyo for their fans and performing in front of a small audience. His anxiety had been in full blast not even ten minutes earlier–– yet here he was, smiling widely as he talked with his fans. They performed one of the choreographies for one of their b-side’s on their new album, and then took a ten minute intermission to get ready for the second part of the fan meeting. Jungwon trailed behind his group silently, making sure everyone was there before he went to a private space to have his panic attack. Jungwon had become very well versed in recognizing the signs of his panic attacks as soon as he experienced his first one–– perks of living with an anxiety and panic disorder I guess. Once he checked everyone was in front of him and in their dressing room, he quietly relayed that he was going to find a bathroom to his manager before leaving.
Jungwon’s heartbeat quickened as silent tears welled up in his eyes. He clawed at his shirt protecting his heart tightly.
I’m dying. This is it. I’m really dying right now.
He soon arrived to the bathroom and immediately collapsed against the door, not bothering to run into a stall. He looked around the bathroom shakily, hands shaking like a leaf in the wind. He closed his eyes, trying to separate himself from reality.
This isn’t happening. None of this is real. You’re strong, Jungwon. Don’t cry, you’re not a little boy anymore. You have to be strong for everyone.
His thoughts only tethered him to reality. Jungwon felt like screaming his head off. He curled into himself as he brought his knees up to his face. His breathing became more natural as tears flowed out of his eyes. Suddenly, nothing. He felt nothing as one last tear slipped out of his eye. Why? What happened? Is he really dead? Is this his final moment? He put his hand gently over his chest once more, trying to confirm if his heart had really stopped.
No. It’s still beating. I’m still alive. I’m still alive and everything is okay.
He pushed himself off of the floor and checked himself in the bathroom mirror. Oh god. His cheeks were just the tiniest bit blotchy, but his mascara had wiped off harshly from his eyelashes. He bit his lip and grabbed a towel as he dabbed at the mascara marks under his eyes. Once they were all off, he took one general look at his face and slightly grimaced. The stylist would need to touch him up once again. He sighed before heading back to their dressing room.
Once he entered, all of his members turned around to look at him silently, to which he averted his gaze and sat at the stylist’s station. The stylist cleaned up his makeup silently before applying a new foundation to his face. Once she was done, Jungwon thanked her and headed to the corner of the room where he watched a video on his phone to pass the remaining time in their intermission. He noticed a figure make his way over to Jungwon’s side, to which he set his phone down and looked at the figure. He met Sunoo’s beautiful eyes, to which his lips curled up silently.
He held his arms out, an invitation for Sunoo. The older boy took it for what it was and smiled widely. He fell into Jungwon’s arms and Jungwon hugged him tightly, as Sunoo melted into the younger’s embrace. Yeah. It’s okay.
It’s okay.
Jungwon felt safe in Sunoo’s arms, and that provided a warm presence in Jungwon’s overwhelmed heart and mind.
That’s all Jungwon needed.
Jungwon smiled widely as Sunoo left his embrace. Sunoo returned the smile and snuggled next to Jungwon on the couch. They stayed like that until their break was over.
Jungwon felt a lot better after that moment with Sunoo; his mind was much more at ease (even if it was far from okay, Jungwon needed it to be eased to function properly). His reactions and interactions with everyone were a lot more natural than the first part and he was actually starting to have fun. Jungwon wished they could stay in that little bubble forever. But, all good things had to come to an end.
It wasn’t like they had anything to do after that, so they all collectively decided to go back to their dorm to rest and relax since their schedule was a lot more hectic tomorrow. Jungwon just wanted to sink in his bed and never come out of his room again, but he knew he had responsibilities before that. So, he asked their manager to drop the others off at the dorm first and for him to be dropped off at their company so he could talk with the staff about their upcoming tour.
After sitting in on a meeting with their staff to go over the general outline of their tour through Asia for next week. Jungwon took notes on his phone to relay to the others and to remind himself. Unfortunately, the meeting only made his anxiety come back to bite him in his ass. He could feel the signs of a panic attack come onto him slowly, unlike the other times. He finally arrived at their dorm and thanked their manager before leaving the car.
Jungwon doesn’t want to enter his dorm, but he has nowhere else to go. So, he treads into the hallway carefully, hesitating to input the code to their dorm. He sighs. He’s so stuck in his own head he doesn’t feel tears welling up in his mind. He inputs the code and opens the door. He slips his shoes off quietly before looking around; there are people talking but it’s muffled. He turns to each side to see his teammates playing video games together or watching TV.
Sunoo notices the younger boy walking towards them with a neutral expression on his face. Something twinges in his heart as he sets the remote down. He stands up and walks cautiously toward the younger boy.
“Jungwon-ah? Are you–”
The boy collapses to his knees and brings his hands up to his face. Wails are heard from the ground as everyone looked at their leader wide-eyed. Sunoo’s eyes well up with tears before he looks at his older members on the couch, with just as wide eyes. Sunoo turns back around to Jungwon and sits on the floor right in front of him. His lips tremble and a tear falls from Sunoo’s eye.
He carefully wraps his arms around the younger softly, but then tighter when the younger melts into the older’s frame. Sunoo goes to pat the younger’s hair gently, something they did whenever any of them needed comfort.
“I–It’s okay, Jungwon-ah. I’m right here. Everything is okay. Sunoo-hyung is here. Just breathe with me, okay?”
Sunoo brought Jungwon’s shaking hand up to his chest and took an exaggerated breath so Jungwon could imitate. Jungwon imitated, although shakily, but he was getting air into his lungs and that’s what mattered.
“Good boy. Just keep doing that with me. I’ll continue until you feel better, okay?”
Jungwon nodded silently as his sweaty hands shook slightly less, buzz of the panic attack dying down.
They stayed there on the floor like that for a couple more minutes, tears slipping out of Jungwon’s eyes and hand on Sunoo’s chest. Once Jungwon fully stopped shaking, his eyes started to close intermittently.
The others were also surrounding the younger members at this point, worry and pain evident in their expressions. Jay carded his hand through Jungwon’s soft curls as he laid upon his lap; Jake massaged Jungwon’s hands and feet ever so lightly; Sunghoon lifted a glass up to Jungwon’s mouth anytime it opened.
Jungwon breathed relaxedly, body becoming limp in Jay’s lap.
“We love you, Jungwon-ah. Never forget that.”
Jungwon let out a hum of confirmation before fully closing his eyes and drifting into sleep. He smiled softly as he felt a presence pick him up and bring him to his bed. Finally, once in his bed he fell into full unconsciousness.
Thank you God; for giving me such amazing members. I love them so much.
Fin