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Rain had never felt like he was good enough. He felt like he didn't fit in. Whenever the other ghouls were partying, he was alone in his room. The water-ghoul always told himself that he was just introverted, but deep down he knew that he was lying to himself to make him feel better. He didn't want to admit to himself that he was socially anxious.
Dewdrop on the other hand, was the total opposite of him. The fire-ghoul played his guitar solos perfectly without missing one note. It was like his fingers were made to be playing guitar. The other ghouls showered him with compliments, they loved him. This made Rain feel even more like he was in the shadows. Dewdrop wasn't afraid to say anything either. No, he loved giving all of the ghouls different nicknames. He had named Phantom ''spirit boy'', and Swiss ''shimmy'', because it was his favorite dance move. Rain hated the name Dew had given him, ''dolphin boy'', because it felt like he was making fun of the way the water-ghoul swam. But he was too scared to tell him. And even if he did tell Dew that he'd preferred to just be called Rain, he wasn't sure that the fire ghoul would listen to him. Because he didn't listen to what anyone said, he didn't care what anyone thought of him. Rain wished he could be like Dew.
He wished he was free from the walls he built around himself. He dreamt about being able to party with the other ghouls. Hell, he'd do anything to go shopping with the ghouls like they did today before the show. But instead he was invisible. He was too scared to go to parties or the store, or anything else for that matter. His pillow in the tour bus was wet from his tears. He didn't know what was wrong with him. All he knew was that something was wrong with him. And he didn't know how to fix it. He had locked himself up in the walls that he built.
Tonight was just another night on tour. Rain didn't really like to be on tour. The people cheering for him and Papa and the other ghouls didn't know them. They didn't know that behind the mask, he was just a fuck up. During tours he always had countless of nightmares about things going wrong on stage. Not about the other ghouls or Papa doing something wrong, but about him failing. He preferred to stay safe, in his room in the church. Or in the lake nearby the church. Home was where he could swim for hours, or lock himself up in his room to read, because no one missed him anyway. Well, sometimes Dewdrop missed bullying him. He didn't know why Dew acted like this. Maybe he hated Rain as well, or maybe he was a bully to other ghouls too. Rain couldn't deny that he was an easy target.
Like every night, the show started by the spotlight being on Dewdrop, his shadow was largely displayed on the white curtain in front of them. Of course the spotlight had to be on him. Papa had asked each of the ghouls before the tour what they would like in the show. Mountain had said that he wanted his drums to be pretty high up on the stage. He enjoyed the view of the crowd of thousands of people. It just made Rain nervous. Cirrus wanted to get to the front of the stage to play her Mummy Dust keytar solo. She too, enjoyed it when the crowd went wild for her. Phantom thrusted his hips during Mummy Dust, making the people in the front row scream their lungs out. Rain couldn't deny that Mummy Dust did something to him as well, but he liked to keep it more subtle. Dew on the other hand, proudly touched himself and jerked the air off, before the confetti cannon went off. It made Rain feel frustrated knowing that Dew could be himself so easily. He despised Dew. Not because of who Dew was, but because he couldn't be him. The jealousy was almost too much to handle. He also wanted to be able to ask Papa to put a spotlight onto him. He wanted to feel comfortable with the spotlight on him. But he was happy to know that that wouldn't happen because he didn't ask for it.
But then, Aurora seemed to notice the quiet ghoul. He wished she didn't. He really didn't want anyone to see him. But she did, she noticed that he hadn't said a word the entire time. So she had asked Papa if he could put a red spotlight on Rain during Con Clavi Con Dio. Papa thought that it was an excellent idea of Aurora, and had asked Rain if he was alright with it. All of the ghouls had stared at him, so instead of saying ''no'', like he really wanted to, he quietly mumbled a ''yes, Papa''. Now he was stuck having to be in the spotlight during Con Clavi Con Dio for the entire tour. He felt so stupid for being too scared to say no.
Dewdrop played the first notes of Kaisarion like the professional guitar player he was. Rain felt his heart pump in his chest. This was one of the scariest moments in the show every night. The curtain fell down, revealing thousands of people yelling at them in excitement. Each and every one of them paid a lot of money to be there. They all expected a good show. But what if he failed? There were so many things that could go wrong.
Rain walked to the front of the stage, he felt more comfortable now that Dewdrop was on his left side and Phantom on his right. Even though he didn't like Dew, he felt safer knowing that most people were watching him play his white guitar, instead of watching the bassist and the rhythm guitarist. The safe feeling didn't last long, Papa excitedly ran onto the stage to sing the first line of tonight. The ghouls all made place for him, and Rain felt a little relieved knowing that most people were focussed on Papa now instead of on him.
The next few songs that they played went pretty good. Swiss danced like there was no tomorrow, Mountain got every beat right, and Papa didn't forget any of the lyrics. Rain didn't feel as nervous anymore as he did in the beginning, but he still couldn't get rid of the feeling completely. He tried to forget it, but how could he forget the scariest part of the show? The paranoid thoughts seemed to get worse by every song they got closer to playing Con Clavi Con Dio. What if he fell on the stage? Or worse, what if he fell off the stage? His mask could break. Or his mask could fall off his face. The thought of the thousands of people in the room being able to see his bare face made his fingers shake. Which wasn't a good thing when you're trying to play the bass guitar.
The time was there. Con Clavi Con Dio was next on the setlist. He felt like giving up already. But he didn't because he knew that he could do it. Everything went perfect when they had practiced it inside of the walls of the church.
Rain played the first notes of the song. His fingers were shaking. He didn't see anything in the red spotlight. Thousands of people were watching him play. His fingers played the wrong note. That can happen, mistakes can happen. So he tried to continue. But his thoughts were bothering him so much that he played the next few notes out of tempo. Everything went wrong. This is exactly what he feared. All of his nightmares were coming true. He could feel his breathing getting faster every second he stood there. The thousands of eyes staring at him, watching him mess it all up were too much for him to take. He could feel the other ghouls and Papa staring at him too. They knew that he was just a fuck up as well.
He ran off the stage, took off his bass, and gave it to one of the people who worked backstage. His breathing only seemed to get faster as he walked back to the dressing room of the venue. Someone who worked backstage put her hand on his shoulder and asked him something. But everything was just one big blur to him. He continued walking towards the dressing room and once he finally arrived, slammed the door shut. His body was sitting on the cold floor of the room, his hands on his forehead. He took his mask off to be able to breathe better, but it didn't seem to work. Being backstage didn't seem to help him either, he still felt as scared as he did when the red light shined on him. Scared? No, terrified was a better way to describe it. His thoughts didn't calm down. He started to breath through his mouth.
Suddenly, the door opened up again. Rain only stared at the ground, his body too busy with trying to survive to look up at the person who was standing right in front of him. His body might collapse if he continued to breathe like that. He could be having a heart attack. He might even die.
It could be Papa. He'd prefer to be alone right now, but if there was someone who would try to calm him down, he'd hope that it was Papa. Or it could be the random lady who worked backstage. Or maybe Aurora? She always looked out for Rain.
''What's happening, dolphin boy?''
Rain recognized this voice. There was only one person who called him dolphin boy. It was the last person he wanted to be here in this room with him right now.
Dewdrop.
Rain looked up to see a small ghoul with white horns standing in front of him. ''Answer me.'' The ghoul commanded. Rain did his best. ''I- I think I'm- dying.'' It was like he couldn't stop hyperventilating. Dewdrop sat down beside him on the floor. ''No you're not. You're just having a panic attack.''
Just a panic attack? Dewdrop had no idea what Rain was going through.
''Which sucks. But also, panic attacks are total bullshit. They tell your body that you're dying but you're really not. They aren't good for anything. So could you just, like, try to breathe normally for one second for fuck's sake?''
Rain kept hyperventilating, so Dewdrop took that as a no. He got up from the floor, and walked over to his backpack that was laying in the corner of the room. He opened it up and grabbed a plastic bag out of it. It was blue with a yellow logo of a store on it. He probably got it when he and the other ghouls went shopping today. He walked back to Rain and handed him the plastic bag.
''Here, breathe into this. Try to breathe slower every time.'' Dewdrop instructed Rain, as he sat back down next to him. Rain did his best. Part of him was slightly confused as to why out of all people, Dewdrop was helping him. Dewdrop wasn't sympathetic in any way. Or maybe he was, and just didn't like to show people his softer side. No, he probably only wanted to help him so that the show could go on.
Rain started to breathe at a slower pace. He could think clearer now. The feeling of being disappointed in himself took over the feeling of intense fear. He could have just played his bassline perfectly if it wasn't for this stupid panic attack. If his mental state was better, he could have been like Dewdrop. Popular, loved, and social. He would be able to party, go to the store, and do all the other things he ever wanted to do in his life without the metaphorical walls.
He started to breathe at a normal pace again. Anger and frustration were taking the place of the disappointment in himself. He didn't choose to be like this. Dewdrop was acting like it was this easy, but he had no idea what it was like to be him. To be so scared of your own friends that you avoided them. To wish you were invisible. To not even be able to do your job anymore. The anxiety was ruining his life.
''See, dolphin boy? That's all. Now get your ass back on stage before people start asking to get their money back. Papa didn't hire you to sit in the dressing room for fun.''
For fun? Fun? He thought that Rain's mental illness was fun?
Rain finally snapped. ''Shut up Dew! Shut the fuck up! You have no idea what it's like to walk in my shoes! And don't you dare to call me dolphin boy ever again. It's just how water-ghouls swim, okay? You can't say anything about that. You stupid fire-ghouls can't even swim! Satan, you can't even go outside when it rains!'' Rain started to cry. ''And the worst part is, that's probably the worst part about being you! You and your stupid white guitar that you play effortlessly. You and your stupid parties. You and your stupid friends who all love you. You have no idea of the things I'd do just to be you for one day!''
Something happened inside of the fire ghoul. He rarely felt something like this. Or rather, he would never admit that he felt like this. All of his anger went away and his heart broke a little when he saw the bass ghoul break down next to him.
''You... You don't know my story.'' Dew said quietly, making Rain look at him. ''What?'' Dew hesitated to tell Rain that he understood him. That he exactly knew what he felt like. He never wanted to get vulnerable with other people because then they knew his weaknesses. But he could trust Rain, right?
''The constant anger inside of me, the stupid nicknames I make up for everyone, the way that I please the crowd during the rituals... It's all just a wall that I built to protect myself. No one suspects you to be a loser when you act like a winner all day.''
This made Rain quiet. He never suspected Dew to be like this. He had never seen this side of him.
Dewdrop took his mask off now too, showing his real face. ''As a kid, I got bullied a lot in hell because of my height. Because of my white horns. Because of anything that they could find about me that was different, I guess. It wasn't until Papa had summoned me to earth that I felt at home. Obviously I'm still not myself around other people. I try, trust me, I try to be me. But it's hard when I'm so fucking scared all the time that they're going to bully me. So most of the time I just act like the cooler version of me. Because that is the version of me that everyone loves. So no, I get it. I get it completely.''
Rain had never in a million years expected him to say what he just said. Maybe he had judged Dew too quickly. This must be why Papa had send Dewdrop instead of any other ghoul. He was the only one who knew that Dewdrop was just like Rain in a way.
''I'm sorry... For what happened to you and for misjudging you. I didn't know.'' Dewdrop rested his head on Rain's shoulder. A small tear escaped from the corner of his eye, which he quickly wiped away. He didn't want Rain to see him crying. Even when he was being the most vulnerable he had ever been with another person, letting someone see him cry went too far. But Rain saw. Rain saw the pain inside of him. The part of him that he hadn't trusted anyone else enough to show them. ''It's okay,'' Rain said, ''you can let it all out, little boy.'' Dewdrop looked up at Rain to give him an annoyed look, opened his mouth to say something, but then he decided to shut his mouth and lay his head back down on Rain's shoulder. He did as Rain said, his tears making Rain's shirt wet. But Rain didn't care. He was just glad that Dewdrop felt comfortable enough with him to be himself.
''Do- do you hate me?'' Dewdrop asked. ''Because I wouldn't blame you if you did. I'm sorry I've been so mean to you.'' Rain thought about it for a second, and then decided to answer his question. ''I don't hate you. I just hate the person you were pretending to be. He is the one who made me insecure. But you're the one who lets me know that I'm not alone. So can you promise me that you'll try to be yourself more often? I like him way better. Maybe I'll feel better then as well.''
Dewdrop hugged Rain tightly. ''I promise, Rain.'' Rain hugged Dewdrop back when he finally heard his real name coming out of his mouth. ''Thank you, Dew.''