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It is cold and quiet in Calum's home. A clock ticks on the wall, but there is hardly another sound. He had been watching netflix, some random documentary he thought would keep him occupied for more than ten minutes. It didn't and got switched off at the five minute mark.
He is sitting on his bed in the dark, save for the glowing light of the Netflix homepage on his laptop. He sighs, shuffling around in the sheets to find his phone. He wonders if it's worth it, if he's even going to manage to do what he plans to. He's supposed to call Ash. He's had it planned all day, ever since he received the text earlier.
'Hey, how're you doing?' it read, 'Settled back in since tour?'
It's a simple message, one he's had many times before from Ash. Usually they'd have met up multiple times by now - tour life was busy, but they missed each other when the other wasn't around. Quiet nights on the tour bus would switch easily with steady nights at home. They'd do the same things wherever they were - share conversations in the safety of the night, coupled with longing touches and a feeling neither of them could quite name. It was simple. It was sweet. Calum missed it more than words could describe, but he can't let Ash see him like this. Or at least, he hadn't planned to let Ash see him like this.
Since the text came through at 9:04am, Calum hasn't stopped thinking about it. He's unlocked his phone to read and reread it multiple times. Somewhere between guilt and anxiety, a sick feeling sits in his stomach.
They had gotten home from tour around a month ago. The band had been to Europe, hitting many of their favourite cities. It had been exhilarating, thrilling, and towards the end, exhausting. Somewhere between Oslo and Los Angeles, Calum had begun to feel a chasm open up in his chest.
Once home, the sudden change of pace had Calum stranded in time. His apartment had become an empty shell around him, a place for his thoughts to bounce around like an echo chamber. He didn't remember landing or travelling back to his apartment, he just remembered the door shutting behind him feeling like some strange metaphor. A true divider between himself and the outside world.
He was alone, and tired, and there were no more imminent plans with the band. He was at a dead end - if he wasn't moving, if he wasn't travelling from city to city and performing almost every night, then what was he supposed to do instead?
It took him days to unpack his luggage, even longer to sort through the mail he had missed while gone. His days moved in slow motion, and he spent every moment wishing that he'd wake up with some kind of motivation for the day. He didn't. He just woke up with a dull headache and the same lingering feeling of dread.
He knows what this is. He's no stranger to a depressive episode, especially after a tour. Ashton says that it's because of the change of momentum, or the lack of focus, or something or other. Ashton would say it's okay to feel this way, to breathe through it and let it pass. Fighting against it will only make it worse.
He only ever thinks about what Ashton would say. Ashton, the one who keeps him grounded on tour. Ashton, the one who has spent hours coaxing Calum through difficult mornings and even worse nights. Ashton, the one who has been here before. The only one Calum can trust to truly understand.
But Ash can't see him like this. This is worse than all of the other times, Calum thinks. It's worse, it feels permanent, like something has officially snapped inside his head. He hasn't listened to, let alone played, any music since he got home. The dishes and laundry have begun to pile up in his room, and he can't turn to look at them without feeling like he might cry. The idea of living for one more day makes him feel more nauseous than he'd like to admit. He's a mess, and he loves Ash too much to let him see him like this.
At least, that is what Calum believed. Until today. Today, Ash texted him. It reminds him of their unspoken rule - if you're struggling, let me know. It works both ways. Still, he's been psyching himself up to respond since 9 o’clock this morning, and it is currently 8pm. The clock continues to tick on the wall as Calum hovers over Ashton’s contact.
There’s a battle in his head. He could call Ash, explain that he’s depressed, hope that Ash can say something that’ll magically make him feel better. He knows that’s what his friend would want him to do - reach out, no matter what. That’s the unspoken rule. Calum would love to, but he’s scared. What if Ash doesn’t pick up, or doesn’t know what to say? Really, what can he say? No words can cure this god awful feeling. He also worries about Ashton’s own mental health - he doesn’t want to intrude and possibly make Ash feel like shit, too. He sighs, rubbing his eyes. He’s so sick of these constant mental debates he’s been having about every little thing. If it were the other way round, he’d want Ash to call. That’s what they do, that’s how this works. They call, they hang out, they breathe through it together. He has to remember the unspoken rule - just call. Just call.
He hits the dial button before he can overthink it any more. He feels his palm sweating where it holds the phone to his ear, he feels crazy. He doesn’t know what he’ll say. At the very least, he just wants to hear Ashton’s voice.
“Hey Cal, what’s up?” Ash answers, and it’s simple. It’s so simple, but it breaks something within Calum. He realises it’s been so long since he’s been able to just be Cal. He has missed this too much.
“Hey man, sorry it’s late, um, I’m just getting back to your text from this morning,” Calum replies, his voice quiet but hopefully perky enough that Ash doesn’t ask any questions. “Just calling to see how you’ve been? Sorry I haven’t been in touch in a while,” he adds, leaning back on his bed. He can do this, he can talk and converse and be normal. At least, that’s what he hopes.
“No worries, not a problem at all. I’ve been good, just settling back into life. Did you hear that Mike and Luke are planning on a writing session? Sounds like they’ve been getting back into the swing of things too,” Ash chatters, and Calum bites back a swirl of jealousy. Great, it seems everyone is getting on just fine then. Just fine without him, his brain provides, but he tries to ignore it. “Dunno how they do it, I haven’t thought about writing since like, halfway through the tour,” Ashton adds.
“Yeah, no, I didn't know that. I haven’t written much either,” Calum replies, gazing across to his guitar and notebook gathering dust in the corner of his room. “Good that they, uh, they’re inspired though,” Calum feels like a shell of himself, like it’s not really him who is talking. Almost like someone else has taken over, he’s running the conversation on auto pilot.
Ash answers with a hum, then asks, “How about you? What’ve you been up to?” Calum feels the world drop from under his feet almost instantly. He didn’t expect to feel so emotional over a simple phone call.
“Err, well-” He says, glancing around his room. God, it’s depressing. Everything is so fucking depressing. He doesn’t know what to say, he’s supposed to be reaching out for help here. He feels like he’s floating. “Um, Ash?” he says, and he feels himself suddenly holding back tears. It’s been a while since it got this bad. “I’m not gonna lie, I’ve not been doing great,” Calum finishes with an exhale.
“Ah, mate. Anything in particular?” Ashton replies calmly, but Calum can tell there is concern in his tone. He feels awful that he’s making Ash deal with his shit again, he does it every few months like clockwork. Sure, he cares for Ash too, but that’s different. It’s different.
“Um-” He takes another look around his room. “Things are really bad,” he finally answers, words failing him. He tries to remind himself that they’ve been here before, the roles have been reversed in many phone calls previously. It doesn’t make it any easier.
“I’m glad you called, Cal,” Ashton replies, ever the mind reader. “D’ya want me to come over? Or you can come to mine, we could go on a drive..?” He asks. Calum swipes a hand over his face.
“I don’t really feel like leaving here, if I’m honest. Sorry to be miserable, I’m just - you know,” He sighs again.
“Yeah, I know. There’s no pressure, but I’d love to see you. Can I drop by?” Ash is so kind it almost breaks Calum’s heart. Calum wants to say yes, and wants to beg him to come over and rescue him like he’s some kind of damsel in distress, but he’s a grown man and has to make plans like a normal person. He feels like he’s floating again. He almost wants to put the phone down, pretend he’d never called, give up on the whole idea entirely and- “Calum?”
There it is. The full name hit. He’s done it now, he’s gotten Ash all concerned. “Yeah, uh, sorry, I got distracted. When.. When do you want to come over? It’s a mess here, just so you know, and I haven’t had chance to-”
“Tonight, I’ll come over tonight. Don’t worry about the mess - remember when we had to clean my apartment last Summer? I owe you one.” Ash says. They know each other well enough by now, clearly Ash knows when to decide on the plans. It doesn’t make it any easier for Calum to accept.
“Are you sure? I don’t think you get it, it’s like, really bad,” he says, panicking. He feels awful for even calling Ash, let alone dragging him over here at this time.
“Cal, I promise everything is okay. I want to see you,” Ash replies.
Calum gives in. He’s so tired, he doesn’t have the energy to fight it any more than he already has. “Alright, okay. Come over. I’m sorry,” he says.
“Don’t be. I’ll be there in twenty,” Ash finalises.
“Alrighty. See you then, drive safe,” Calum says, and once Ash says his goodbyes, he hangs up the phone. He immediately tosses the phone onto his bed, flops backwards and lets out a loud groan. He can feel the anxiety manifesting as his hands begin to tingle, and he rolls onto his side to let it pass. He hates this, showing any kind of vulnerability feels like knives in his side. He has to remind himself that it’s Ashton, this is what they do, this is what they’ve always done.
————
In the twenty minutes it takes for Ashton to drive over, Calum manages to roll out of bed and brush his teeth, trying to be somewhat put together. He sits in the living room, awaiting Ash’s familiar knock at the door. As the minutes tick on, he feels more and more guilty for having his friend drive over so late. He berates himself for not just getting on with it himself, even though he knows Ash would tell him not to. He’s tired, and isn’t even sure if he has the energy to socialise at all right now. He tries to entertain himself on his phone, but that too is just an endless void of miserable news and jealousy fuel. Just as he’s sinking back into the couch, Ashton arrives right on cue. He knocks on the door, and Calum has to hand it to him - his timing is immaculate.
Calum opens the door and Ashton is standing in the porch light. “Hey, man,” Ash says, and Calum can tell he’s using that quiet tone of voice, the one reserved for nights like these. Although it makes him feel ridiculous, he can’t help but feel comforted by his friend’s presence. “Brought you a gift!” Ashton smiles. He holds up two bags of chips and a candle.
Calum laughs, “That’s two gifts, mate,” and steps back to let Ashton into his apartment. Ashton bustles in, sliding his shoes off at the door.
“One for the body, one for the soul,” Ashton replies, clearing a space on the coffee table and setting the chips and candle down, before sitting down on the couch. Calum relaxes slightly as he watches Ash slot back into his life like he’s always been here.
Taking a seat on the other side of the couch, Calum can’t help but smile as he reaches for the candle. It’s such a typical Ashton gift, and it’s perfect. “Sandalwood and Cedar. Nice choice, thank you,” He says, admiring it before setting it back down on the table. Ashton’s presence feels warm in his cold space. “So, um, how’ve you been? Up to much?” He says, pulling one leg underneath him.
“No problem, I knew you’d like it. Um, I’ve been good! Started up at yoga classes again,” Ashton states, and begins to explain how he finds the new instructor at his yoga centre. Calum nods, trying to focus. He hopes Ashton will just keep talking like this forever, and never ask him any questions. Calum could listen to the other man talk forever anyway, even on a good day.
Unfortunately for Calum, there is only so much gossip Ashton can spill before he asks the inevitable question. “Anyway, that’s what I’ve been up to. How are you?” He asks, and Calum can tell it’s a pointed question. He simply smiles, attempting to brush it off. Just because he was honest on the phone, doesn’t mean he has to be now.
“Yeah, I’ve been alright. Y’know, getting through. No yoga for me though,” He jokes, but his laugh sounds hollow. The familiar feeling of dread comes creeping back up his spine, and he resists the urge to sigh.
Ashton offers a small laugh in return, but the room quickly falls into silence. Calum can feel Ashton’s eyes on him, and he averts his gaze. He chooses to stare at the unlit candle instead. He bites down on his lip in a feeble attempt to ground himself. He’s starting to dissociate again, in fact, he’s not sure he ever stopped. He was hoping to keep up the happy facade for longer than ten measly minutes, but clearly that’s not working out.
“Cal?” Ashton says quietly, “It’s okay, you know?”. It’s as if he’s giving Calum permission to be sad, and Calum hates it. He hates this entire situation. Shit, he thought this would be easier.
He lets out another vacant, sarcastic laugh, but it doesn’t stop the tears that spring to his eyes. “Fuck, sorry,” he says, pushing the heels of his hands into his eyes. He sniffs, takes his hands away, and wills himself not to cry.
“You’re good, man,” Ashton says, and leans across to offer a comforting hand. Calum can’t let Ashton touch him. He stands quickly, causing the man to stop in his tracks.
“Need a cigarette,” Calum says decidedly, “You coming?”
————
There’s two chairs on the porch. One for Calum, one for Ashton. They thrifted them together when Calum moved here. That’s where they sit now, Calum smoking his cigarette and Ashton gazing out at the streetlights. There’s more background noise outside, with bugs, birds and traffic creating a dull hum. Calum prefers it to the silence that lingers inside, so even after stubbing out his cigarette, he makes no move to head inside. Ashton doesn’t seem to mind.
“I’ve got no food in the house,” Calum starts. He doesn’t know why this is the first thing he says. “And there’s laundry, dishes - I mean you saw it. It’s a mess,” he says, referring to his house. He doesn’t turn to face Ash, but can see him listening. “Dunno what to do,” he finishes.
Ashton swallows and stretches his legs out in front of him. “That’s fine, don’t worry, we can sort all that out. Nothing we haven’t done before. I can always pick up some groceries for you, if you want?” he offers. Calum nods in response, looking down at his lap and chewing his lip again. “Dude, we can sort it. It’s gonna be okay,” Ashton says, trying his best to invoke some positivity into Calum. It doesn’t work.
Calum shakes his head. “Not this time, Ash,” he says, and his voice breaks. “You know, every time it feels like you hit rock bottom, but then it somehow gets worse. I should be happy, no? The tour went well, I have an apartment, friends, a career, all of that. But still I feel this fucking.. unbearable weight in my chest, I can’t do anything, nothing helps-”
“Calum, breathe,” Ashton says, reaching across to lay a comforting arm on his. Calum finally stops rambling, but refuses to make eye contact with Ashton. Instead, he stares off into the street lights, and tries to ignore the tears that slowly begin to roll down his face. “We’re going to figure it out, it just takes time,” Ashton adds, his hand rubbing Calum’s arm softly. Calum tries to nod, but he ends up letting out a sob instead, and his hands fly up to cover his face. He feels so stupid. Ashton’s hand moves around to rub his back, and Calum finally lets himself cry properly, for the first time in months.
He can hear Ash talking softly to him, but he’s lost track of what he’s saying. He’s too caught up in himself, in this web misery he has created. A small part of his brain still panics that he’s scaring Ashton off, fucking sitting outside crying like this. He reminds himself he has neighbours, any of whom could appear at any time and see him being so ridiculous, he just needs to stop crying, needs to get over himself and-
“Deep breaths, love,” Ashton says, and the change in tone finally gets Calum’s attention. He tries to breathe, but it shudders in his chest. He focuses on the way Ash rubs his back as he follows his pattern of breathing. He wishes this didn’t feel familiar to him.
He would do anything for Ashton to hold him through this, but he doesn’t think it’s appropriate. He sits stock still in his chair.
“Sorry, I’m sorry, that was stupid,” Calum says eventually, taking his hands away from his face and rubbing them on his jeans. It’s a last ditch attempt to ground himself, and he knows Ash can tell.
“It’s not stupid, Cal, I’m just glad you called,” Ashton replies, and the concern laced in his tone makes guilt bubble in Calum’s chest. “I’m here, and I’m sorry it’s so tough right now. I know how dark it can get,” he says.
Calum nods in reply. He is suddenly extremely tired, his eyelids heavy and his head swimming. He offers a thin lipped smile to Ashton, before tapping his legs. “Um, should we go in?” he asks, and Ashton nods.
“Sure, man. Lead the way,” he says as he stands. Calum wishes he could fucking evaporate, but instead, he simply wanders back into his apartment, Ash in tow. He’s so tired, he feels like a ghost.
————
“Gunna grab us some water,” Ash says as they enter the apartment, putting a gentle hand on Calum’s back as he shuffles past him. Calum sits down on the couch, yawning almost instantly. He zones out, staring into the abyss of his living room. It isn’t long before Ashton is back, placing two glasses of water on the table.
“I’m more than happy to help you out, Cal,” Ashton says, sitting down on the couch, closer than he was before. “Thanks for calling me,” he says, and bumps his shoulder into Calum’s. Calum offers him a small smile, but his eyes are a dead giveaway of his exhaustion. “Here,” Ash holds out a glass of water, “drink this or you’ll end up with a cracking headache,” Calum abides, taking a long drink before placing it back on the table.
“Thanks, Ash,” Calum says finally. “I appreciate it,” he smiles genuinely, catching Ashton’s eye for the first time since he arrived. He yawns again. “Sorry, you don’t have to stay, I’ll probably go to sleep soon anyway,”
“Dude, I’m not just going to leave you now. You still keep the blankets in the same place?” Ash asks, but doesn’t wait for a response. He walks over to where he knows the blankets are stored, and fetches the largest one he can find. He returns to the couch with it. Calum can’t help but smile. “Here, move up so we can get comfy,” he says, and Calum shifts down the couch, making room for them both to fit properly. Ash drapes the blanket across Calum first, before sitting down and stealing a corner for himself. Calum settles beneath the blanket, finally feeling some semblance of peace. Ashton tries to reach for the chips, but fails, and Calum laughs at his feeble attempt before grabbing the chips himself. He throws a bag towards Ash, keeping the other for himself.
“Right,” Ashton says, tucking his legs beneath him. He holds up the tv remote. “Let’s see what’s on.” He switches the TV on, and rests a hand on Calum’s outstretched leg. The tv crackles to life and Calum rests his eyes while Ashton picks a channel.
————
Two hours later, Calum finds himself waking up to the sound of commercials. He blinks blearily, staring at the tv, before realising that he’s fallen asleep on the couch. He squints, gazing from the TV to Ashton, but has no time to speak before Ash notices the movement and turns to him.
“Oh, sorry, I tried to keep it quiet, but the commercials are so loud. I’ll turn it down,” he says, reaching for the remote. Calum interjects.
“No, no, you’re good, I’m up. Um, what time is it?” he asks, patting around the blanket for his phone.
“Uhhm,” Ash replies, checking his own phone “eleven forty-five,” he says nonchalantly, but Calum instantly sits up .
“Dude, you let me sleep so long - don’t you need to like, get home?” He asks, clearly flustered. He finally takes in the darkness of the room, how Ashton is lit up only by the television’s glow. Ashton looks great. Calum, however, feels like a zombie. He is sweating beneath the blanket, and he can feel his hair sticking to his forehead. A headache is beginning to cloud behind his eyes.
“No, not really,” Ashton says, stretching out his arms. “Got nothing to get back for, I figured I was just gonna stay here for the night, if you don’t mind?” He suggests, raising his eyebrows in Calum’s direction.
“No, no, I don’t mind, but I’d feel bad keeping you here-” Calum replies, but Ash is already shaking his head.
“No, it’s no bother, I can sleep on the couch. Plus.. I don’t really want to drive in the dark anyway,” Ashton adds, causing Calum to furrow his brow. He begins to chew on his lip again.
“Are you just saying that? You’ve never minded driving at night before. I don’t need a babysitter, Ash, I’m fine,” he stresses, feeling anxious. He swings his legs off the couch, to sit facing the television. “I don’t need a babysitter,” he repeats gruffly, biting his nails.
“Alright. I know you don’t need a babysitter, Cal.” Ashton says, ignoring Calum’s snappy tone, “I can leave, if you really want that..?” the question lingers in the air. Calum stares into the television light. He thinks it over - he doesn’t want to appear needy, but the thought of waking up alone again tomorrow in this stale place is not at all appealing to him. He could do with a change. The silence drags on for a beat longer than it should.
“Actually, can you stay? Only because I don’t want you to drive in the dark..” His voice sounds small as he asks, and he picks at a thread on the blanket.
“Yeah. Of course,” Ashton responds. The characters on the television continue to chatter away, but Ash stays watching Calum. Calum shifts slightly on the couch, but makes no real effort to move. He’s tired. The sadness draws around him like a cloak. “Do you want a hug?” Ash says, and Calum looks straight up at him. He nods without even thinking. “C’mere, then,” Ash stands up, holding out his arms expectedly. Calum stands too, and steps forward into the hug. Ashton holds him tight, and rubs his back with one hand. The tension instantly leaves Calum. He wonders if Ash knows how much he appreciates him. He has spent so long wishing time away, but right now, he wishes he could stay here forever. He buries his head into Ashton’s shoulder, clinging to the back of his shirt. Eventually, he pulls back, not wanting to overstay his welcome in Ashton’s arms. He gives the other man a tired smile.
“Thanks for coming over, I’m sorry I’ve not been much fun,” he says, stepping back from Ashton.
“You’re good, I had fun anyways. I love seeing you, no matter what we do,” Ash replies with a smile. Calum returns it, before letting out another yawn. “You can head to bed, dude. I’m just gonna watch more TV then I'll do the same,” Ash says. Calum wants to stay up forever with Ash, but he is right - it’s getting late and his head hurts. He nods sleepily.
“Okay, I’m going to. But first, sit down,” he tells Ashton, who obliges and sits on the couch. Calum takes the blanket and drapes it over Ashton, patting him on the head. “There, all tucked in,” he says. Ashton laughs, and makes a dramatic show of snuggling deep into the blanket. Calum grabs his phone before shuffling past Ashton. “I, um, I’ll see you in the morning?” he says awkwardly.
What he really wants to say stays caught within him. ‘See you in the morning, I’m so sorry I intruded on your night and made you sleep on my sofa, you mean the world to me, I wouldn’t be able to do this without you’ remains unspoken. He clenches and unclenches his fists.
“Goodnight Cal, love you,” Ash says gently, and Calum looks at his feet. “Let me know if you need anything,” he adds, and Calum nods.
“Yeah, I will. Same - same to you. Love you too,” Calum replies, and shuffles out of the room. He briefly feels bad for not helping Ashton get ready for his night in the living room, but he knows Ash knows where everything is. This isn’t the first time they’ve had an impromptu sleepover, and likely won’t be the last. Calum hopes next time is under brighter circumstances.
Calum takes a deep breath when he enters his room, and tries not to let the sight of the mess bother him. He gets into bed, moving his laptop to the floor and laying down under the covers. Being alone allows him to focus back on the nausea in his stomach, but he refuses to let it consume him. He’s too fucking tired for that. So he lays on his side and listens to the muffled sounds of the television emanating from the living room. It’s comforting, knowing that Ash is just there. Even his presence eases Calum, although his thoughts don’t let him rest. He worries that he is becoming too much for Ash, that he’s another chore that his friend must deal with. Desperately willing away this never ending anxiety, he shuts his eyes and tries to guess what Ashton is watching. It works, and he falls asleep within minutes. It was a long week.
————
The morning sun filters through the curtains, waking Calum. He blinks, checks his phone for the time and almost gets distracted by the notifications when a noise in the kitchen makes him jump. Ashton. Of course. Calum had forgotten that Ash had stayed the night. He has to prepare himself to be human once again. He rubs his eyes, sits up, and ignores the ache in his back. Same old shit. Part of him wants to hide in his room forever, but he knows Ash will knock on his door at some point. Besides, he needs to apologise.
As he grabs a hoodie from the floor, he prepares his speech to Ashton. He’s going to apologise for calling Ash out so late, say that he was just being dramatic and that he’s fine now, no need to worry. He pulls the hoodie on so he can at least pretend he got changed. He stands, checks his hair in the mirror, then heads through to find Ash.
However, Calum had not prepared for the sight in his kitchen. Ashton stands, kitchen towel thrown over his shoulder, in Calum’s kitchen. The kitchen that, just yesterday, was stacked with unwashed dishes and had crumbs on every surface. Now, the countertops are clean, the dishes are done, and there’s food cooking on the stove. Calum stands in the doorway, mouth slightly open, staring at Ashton.
“Sorry if this is too much,” Ashton says instantly as he sees Calum’s reaction. “I’ve totally just, like, taken over your space, I got carried away, I’m really sorry,” he says, tapping anxiously on the counter.
“No, no, oh my god don’t apologise,” Calum replies as he steps into the space. “I just.. Ash, you didn’t have to, I’m sorry. I’m - thank you so much?” he says awkwardly. In all honesty, he can’t believe it. He doesn’t deserve this kind of gesture.
“Oh, okay, good. Um. No problem, I really only intended to wipe down the sides but I just.. Like I said. I got carried away. I’m making eggs!” He announces with a giddy grin, and Calum can’t help but smile back.
Calum walks around to join Ash. “I can’t thank you enough, man. This is great.” he says quietly, gazing around the space. It no longer depresses him, being in here. He’s not sure if it’s because of the clean countertops, the smell of actual, fresh food cooking, or the presence of his best friend. Perhaps it is all of the above.
Ashton is dishing up the breakfast when Calum makes a squeaking sound. “Dude!” He exclaims, spinning around to the coffee machine. “You even made coffee!” It’s the most animated he’s gotten since Ash arrived, but it’s with good reason. This is the best morning he has had in weeks.
“It’s just coffee, babe,” Ashton replies with a laugh, turning to see what the fuss is about.
“Can I hug you?” Calum says suddenly, with full sincerity. Ash laughs again, and removes the kitchen towel from his shoulder before opening up his arms.
“Of course,” he says. Calum hugs him tight, trying to hold back all of his emotions at once. He pulls back to respond to Ash.
“Thank you. I mean it,” He says, grinning, “I’m being dead serious, stop laughing! I’m really grateful, Ash.” He’s aware that he probably looks ridiculous, getting this excited over a clean kitchen and some breakfast, but he doesn’t care.
“No problem. It’s what we do,” Ash replies, placing down the plates on the table. “Now, shall we eat? I’m starving,” he says, sitting down. Calum sits down next to him. He’s still smiling. He can’t stop smiling. Despite the tiredness, despite the clinging sadness and the simmering anxiety, he is smiling.
They eat, they talk, and the world feels slightly more bearable again.