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“Okay, son, there is nothing to worry about. We will make sure that you are taken care of every month,” Madame Pomphrey said gently.
It was the middle of August before Remus was supposed to attend Hogwarts for the first time. He was currently sitting in the headmaster’s office with his parents and the school healer. They were discussing the details of his transformations. Where he would be safe and who would take care of him after each moon. The healer seems nice enough. Remus was trying to pay attention, but he was anxious and scared. What if someone found out about him? What if he got kicked out? The headmaster told him that he didn’t need to worry and that he would take care of everything. Remus and his parents were shocked that he was even getting this opportunity.
It was finally time to go to Hogwarts. His parents had debated on keeping him home until after the moon on the fifth, but decided against it at the last minute. Remus made it to King’s Cross station with his parents, said goodbye and quickly boarded the train to find a compartment. He found an empty one quickly, although he doubted it would stay that way. A few minutes later, a small, shy boy came in holding a plant and asked if he could sit. Remus gestured that it was okay. Then a boy with black curls appeared at the door, looked in at Remus and the other boy, stuck up his nose and sat down without a word. The last boy to enter was extremely happy and started talking as soon as he sat down.
“Hello, I’m James. James Potter. What’s your names?” the happy boy asked cheerfully.
“Remus. Remus Lupin.” Remus shook his hand and went back to his book.
“Peter,” the small boy by the window squeaked.
“Sirius Black of the Ancient and Most Noble House of Black,” the boy with the black curls scoffed.
“I’ve heard of you. Your family is quite well known.” Remus had heard of them, too.
“I know,” Sirius said condescendingly. He could already tell there would be issues with this boy.
Nobody said anything else after that for a while, which was perfectly fine with Remus. He continued to read his book in silence and looked out the window every now and again. He wondered if he would end up in the same house as any of these boys. If he did, then they would probably end up sharing a dorm. Remus wasn’t sure how he felt about that. He wished he could have a dorm to himself so he didn’t risk anybody else finding out about his condition.
“What house do you think you guys will be in?” James asked suddenly.
“Slytherin, obviously,” Sirius sneered, and Remus looked between him and James, unsure if he should say anything, so he just shrugged and went back to his book.
The rest of the train ride was relatively quiet. Remus could hear other compartments talking and enjoying the ride while they sat there in silence. Nobody seemed to know what to say. When they got to Hogwarts, they were escorted to the castle across the lake and into the Great Hall for the Sorting Ceremony. Remus tried to pay attention, but he was looking around and trying to figure out if anyone could tell that he was a werewolf or not.
“Remus Lupin.” Professor McGonagall called out, causing Remus to snap his attention to her, and he figured out it was his turn, so he made his way up to the stool.
As soon as McGonagall placed the old, brown hat on Remus’s head, he flinched slightly when it started talking, and he wondered if the other students could hear it too.
“You are a smart one. Brave too. It takes a lot of courage to attend Hogwarts as a werewolf. Now the question is where to put you. You will do well in Ravenclaw or Gryffindor. Hmm,” the Sorting Hat mused.
Remus sat on the stool, wondering how he would do in either house when the hat seemed to make a decision.
“Gryffindor.”
Remus slid off the stool and slowly walked over to the Gryffindor table while looking and listening to any whispers that the other students may be saying about him as he made his way to his seat. After a while, both James and Peter made their way to the table as well. Sirius had ended up in Slytherin as he had predicted on the train.
The feast started, and Remus talked to some of the other first years while they ate. A redhead, Lily, seemed a little sad about one of the boys who ended up in Slytherin. He was her friend before they came to Hogwarts, or at least that’s what she said. After dinner, the prefects led the students to Gryffindor Tower and their dorms. Remus was roommates with James and Peter.
~~~
Remus was lying in a bed in the hospital wing, recovering from the October moon. It has been three days, and he will probably get released later in the evening. His friends think he went home to take care of his sick mother. Pretty soon, Remus is going to have to come up with different excuses for why he has to leave every month; otherwise, they might get suspicious. He is glad that Madame Pomphrey helps him after his transformations and keeps any of his friends out of the hospital wing as much as possible.
Remus walked into the common room after dinner and nearly got knocked over by how fast Lily charged at him. She looked annoyed and needed to vent. He also hasn’t seen her in four days. He had left the morning of the moon to ‘help his mom’ and then spent three days in the hospital wing, so he was sure there was some stuff that he missed.
“Remus! You’re back. How’s your mom?” Lily asked quickly, you would think he had been gone for a month with how she was acting.
“She’s better,” Remus lied easily, “How are you?”
“I could be better. Come to my dorm?” she asked as she glanced over at the couch as if she didn’t want someone to hear her. James and Peter were sitting on the couch doing homework, or at least that’s what it looked like from where Remus was standing.
“Okay.” Before the word was even out of his mouth, Lily had grabbed his hand and practically dragged him to her dorm.
Remus was recovered enough that it didn’t really hurt for her to drag him up the stairs and practically shove him onto the bed before she started ranting about the last couple of days. It turned into a rant about James fairly quickly, though. He didn’t understand why she hated him so much.
“He just can’t take the hint. Seriously, what do I have to do before he gets that I want nothing to do with him?” Lily huffed out before collapsing on the bed next to Remus.
Remus knew that she didn’t like James, and people thought that James could be a little much sometimes, but he wasn’t all that bad. At least, Remus didn’t think so. He understood not having any friends growing up. It was not fun to always be by yourself. Remus was at least an introvert and preferred to be in the quiet. James seemed like the complete opposite in the month since they had known each other. Remus was being very selective with the people he let near him, in case they freaked out if they found out about his condition.
“Would you like me to have a talk with him?” Remus asked genuinely.
“Could you please? I don’t think I would be able to handle him asking me out again.”
They fell into easy conversation after that. Lily let Remus know what he had missed in class that week and about the Halloween dance that was coming up. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to go to a dance, but he would make up his mind when it got closer to Halloween.
When Remus left Lily’s room, he went straight to his dorm and found James sitting on his bed, reading a book on constellations and their myths. James didn’t even look up when he entered the room. Remus has come to realise that James really likes Astronomy and anything to do with the stars. He was pretty sure that if James could spend every day in the Astronomy Tower, he probably would. Remus figured that since Peter wasn’t in the room, it would be the best time to talk to James about Lily.
“Hey, James.” James looked up at his name. “Could I talk to you for a minute?”
“Sure,” James said cheerfully and set his book on the nightstand by his bed and turned towards Remus, who had moved over to his bed.
“Okay, umm, could you not bother, I’m not saying you’re a bother, but Lily would like it if you could leave her alone for a bit, okay?” Remus spoke quickly. He didn’t know how James was going to react, but when he said bother, he could see the light dim from James’s eyes for a split second.
“It’s just that she thinks you can be a lot and doesn’t really want anything to do with you right now. Not that there's anything wrong with you, it just seems to take you a little bit to understand that some people don’t really want to be around you.” Remus was trying to sound sympathetic, but he thought he was just messing things up more than if he hadn’t said anything to begin with.
“Okay,” James replied with a smile on his face that Remus was sure was probably forced, but he hadn’t known James long enough, so he couldn’t tell if it was or not, before he went back to reading his book.
After that, James started staying away from Lily and seemed to be more aware of what he was doing around other people as well. The Halloween party came and went. It seemed to be more for the Muggleborns and the half-bloods than the purebloods. They didn’t seem to understand the point of it, but Remus had fun with Lily and Mary, who dressed up as GoGo Dancers, and Remus chose not to dress up but went to the party anyway. He didn’t see James, which Remus thought was weird because James had mentioned how he loved Halloween.
~~~
Remus has just finished his last exam before the winter holidays and is headed back to the dorm to pack his trunk. His parents haven’t really planned anything to his knowledge, and there is a moon on the thirtieth, but at least he will have the time to recover before coming back to school in January. When Remus walks in the room, he can see that James has finished his packing and is reading the Astronomy book again. Peter still hasn’t started on his packing.
“Hey, James, are you ready for the winter holidays?” Remus asked before he started pulling his jumpers out of the dresser and packing them in his trunk.
“Yeah, we are going to India for the first week, and then mum and dad are throwing a party after Christmas. Would you like to come?”
“Unfortunately, I’ll be out of town. We are going to Wales for the holidays.” It was a lie, but he couldn’t really tell him what he was really doing.
Remus hasn’t really been able to spend a lot of time with James recently. He keeps getting pulled in by the girls to do things, and it is hard for him to say no to them, especially Lily. It seems that since Remus had that talk with James, he has been keeping his distance as well, so Remus isn’t really sure what he has been doing with himself.
“That’s okay. How do you think you did on your exams?”
“I think I did all right. How about you?”
“Fine. They weren’t that hard for me,” James said easily, and Remus hated how things came so easily to James sometimes.
James went back to his book, and Remus went back to packing in silence. It was hard to have a conversation with James now. He never knew what they could talk about. Peter came back an hour later and packed up his trunk before they went down to dinner.
The next day, they all ate breakfast and then boarded the Hogwarts Express to go home for the winter holidays. Remus wasn’t really looking forward to his holidays, but he was used to it at least. Remus and James talked about nothing important after Peter went off to the girls’ compartment. Mostly, they just read after a while. The train pulled into the station, and Remus slowly made his way over to his parents before they left the platform. He watched as James ran and gave his parents a hug.
The winter holidays were quite boring for Remus. They had Christmas dinner and opened a couple of gifts. Remus mostly sat around the house and read before the moon and recovered afterwards. Soon it was time to go back to Hogwarts for their next term. On the ride back, Peter sat with Remus and James and told them about his holidays, and James told them about India and the Christmas party his parents threw.
~~~
Remus was not expecting a birthday party when he walked down into the common room today. He just turned twelve. They had had a party for Lily at the end of January and Mary in September as well, so Remus figured they were celebrating everybody’s birthdays.
They didn’t really decorate the common room, mainly because they were only eleven and twelve years old and didn’t know the spells and doing it by hand took too long. Once Lily caught sight of Remus, she sprang forward and pulled him to the couch to celebrate. They couldn’t really buy gifts since they couldn’t go to Hogsmeade yet, but it looked like some of them had made some things or transfigured them into things Remus might have liked. It was a nice thought anyway.
After the presents, somebody charmed a record player to play David Bowie, and they danced like the idiot preteens that they were. Everybody seemed to be there too. James was off to the side, but he still seemed to be enjoying himself at least. Somebody had managed to get snacks from the kitchens, probably Peter, since he was the first one to figure out how to get into the kitchens in the first place. Luckily, they didn’t have any classes until after lunch, so they didn’t have to rush the little celebration. Remus was thankful, honestly. He didn’t really get birthday parties when he was younger. His father didn’t see the point, and his mum was a little scared to go against her husband.
After the party, Remus brought all his gifts up to his dorm and put them away in his trunk before they all headed down for lunch. He was quite hungry since they had skipped breakfast and only had the few snacks Peter was able to secure. They ate lunch and chatted excitedly before heading off to their classes for the day.
After his classes were done, Remus went back to his dorm to take a nap. He wasn’t used to all of this excitement, and he didn’t really enjoy being the centre of attention.
~~~
It was the end of the term, and Remus was doing some last-minute studying with James for their exams. They are almost done with their first year at Hogwarts. Remus was quite proud of how he did with his school work this year. As long as he did well on his final exams, he would stay in the top three of his class. James was currently in first, and Sirius Black was in second. James and Remus were quizzing each other on Astronomy at the moment.
“How do you think you did on your other exams?” James asked him as he reached for a book.
“I think they went okay. I’m not positive about Herbology, though. That is more Peter’s area of expertise.”
James hummed and opened his mouth to respond before he looked up and closed his mouth with a confused look on his face. When Remus looked up to see what James was looking at, he could see a rather angry Sirius Black storming towards their table. What did he want?
“I will beat you this year, Potter,” Sirius sneered at James as he slammed his hands on the table, and Remus flinched slightly from the force of it. It did not help his sensitive hearing.
“Okay,” James said nonchalantly, and Remus stared at him for a second. How is he so calm about this?
Sirius only seemed to get angrier at the lack of response from James, and Remus could see him start to pace back and forth like he was stalking the table and trying to figure out what else to say before deciding he had nothing else and stormed back out like a petulant child throwing a tantrum. Remus was too busy watching where Sirius had stormed off to and startled slightly when James spoke again as if nothing had interrupted him.
“Anyway, Peter did seem to have a knack for Herbology, but I don’t think he does really well in his other classes.”
“Did that not bother you? Remus asked after he could get his brain to work again. He didn’t understand how anybody could sit there and get yelled at as if it was nothing.
“What? Him yelling at me?” Remus nodded, stiffly. “No. I don’t let it affect me,” James replied nonchalantly with a smile on his face.
Remus shrugged his shoulders, and they went back to studying. He figured he could ask him about it later when they weren’t stressed about their exams.
Remus finished up his exams and went back to the dorm to pack up his trunk to go home for the summer. He would get home just in time for the June moon. After he finished packing, he asked James and Peter if they needed any help. James declined, but Peter was kind of freaking out and was positive that he was missing some things, so Remus helped him find everything. After Peter was all packed, Remus went and helped the girls with their stuff.
The next day was the last day of their first year at Hogwarts. Remus woke up and took a shower before packing away the rest of his belongings. He took one last look around the room before taking his trunk downstairs and going to breakfast with everybody for the last time. He noticed that James was eating more slowly than normal, but figured he could ask him about it on the train ride home. After everyone was done eating, they all headed out to Hogsmeade Station to board the train to go home. Remus was walking with James, even though he seemed to be walking slightly behind him.
“I’ll meet you on the train. I forgot something in the dorm,” James called out suddenly and turned back towards the castle.
“Okay,” Remus said after a second. Something didn’t feel right. He would talk to him on the train.
Remus continued following the rest of the students down to Hogsmeade Station to board the train and go home for the summer. He had had a decent year and made plenty of friends despite his condition, granted none of them knew about it, so that helped in a way.
By the time Remus made it to the train, Peter and the girls had already boarded. He made sure his trunk was stored in their normal compartment before he went to find them. He noticed Peter’s and James’s trunks were there as well. Remus set off to find Peter, who was in the girls’ compartment. When he opened the door, everyone was talking and laughing.
“What’s so funny? We just got on the train,” Remus asked as he sat down next to Lily, who was sitting next to Mary. Peter and Marlene were on the bench across from them.
“Just our plans for the summer. I plan on either avoiding my sister or tormenting her; I haven’t decided yet,” Lily replied through her giggles.
“Probably best to avoid her. You don’t want to get in trouble for doing underage magic,” Remus said easily.
“Probably.”
“Where’s James? Wasn’t he walking with you?” Peter asked after a few minutes. The train was going to leave soon.
“He said he forgot something and would meet me on the train.”
“Oh, okay,” Peter said quietly.
Remus could tell he was worried. James had seemed a little off for the last few days. He figured he was sad about leaving Hogwarts, like the rest of them were. Remus had noticed that James’s mood had been dropping lately, even if James tried to hide it. Remus was going to talk to him about it on the train ride home, since Peter was most likely going to be with the girls the whole time, and they could have the compartment to themselves.
The train whistle blew, signalling that they would be leaving in a minute. Remus hoped James was able to make it onto the train before it left. The train departed the station, and Remus sat there listening to everybody's plans for the summer and wished that he could join them. His parents had already told him that he wasn’t going to be able to go anywhere over the summer, especially when it was close to the moon.
Remus decided that he would go and check on James. He wanted to make sure he was okay. The train left an hour ago, and he hadn’t seen him yet. He figured James would come searching for them at the very least. Remus got up and made his way to the door.
“Where are you going, Remus?” Marlene asked as he passed by her.
“Need to use the loo, and I’m going to check on James.”
“I’m sure he’s fine.” Lily scoffed before going back to her conversation.
Remus shook his head, but he didn’t comment on her hostility towards James. He went to the loo first and then stopped by their compartment. When he opened the door, he expected to see James’s smiling face, but nobody was in there. Maybe he went to the loo too. Remus didn’t pass anybody, but he also wasn’t paying attention. He decided to sit and wait for him to come back, pulling out a book while he waited.
Remus had finished five chapters in his book by the time he realised that James hadn’t returned yet. It had been at least thirty minutes, and nobody took that long in the loo. Maybe James went to find the others after he was done. Remus put his book away and made his way back to the girls and Peter.
“Took you long enough.” Mary laughed easily.
“Have you seen James? I waited in the compartment after I used the loo, but he never came back, and he wasn’t there when I got there either,” Remus asked, starting to worry a little bit. It was strange for James not to at least make an appearance.
“Maybe he missed the train and had to floo home,” Lily said before adding, “I wouldn’t be surprised. He wasn’t that great with punctuality.”
“Maybe.” Remus thought that made a lot of sense. James tended to cut it close to the wire when it came to being on time for things, especially as the year progressed.
Remus sat back down and let himself get lost in the conversation, but he couldn’t get rid of the knot in his stomach. He tried his best to ignore it and spend the little time he had left with his friends before he had to be alone for the summer. When they reached King’s Cross Station, everyone deboarded the train, and Remus found his parents easily. He quickly hugged them before leaving the platform, but right before they left, he noticed James’s parents were standing there looking for James. Maybe they were just getting his trunk. That was it. James was fine. He will see him in September.
~~~
It was the first of September, and Remus was excited to go back to Hogwarts and see his friends. It had been a long two months. He had that nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right all summer, but he could never figure out what it was. Remus boarded the train and went to his usual compartment. Peter was already there and smiled at Remus when he entered.
“Hey, Remus. How was your summer?” Peter asked cheerfully.
“It was good. Yours?”
“Mine was alright, ended up going over to Marlene’s a few times, but other than that, nothing exciting happened.”
“Sounds like fun. Have you heard from James at all?” Remus asked curiously. He hadn’t seen James’s trunk yet, and he didn’t see him on the platform either.
“No, I haven’t. Why?”
“No reason. Just haven’t seen him yet. Wanted to ask him about why he wasn’t on the train ride home last year.”
Peter hummed but didn’t say anything else. Peter and James didn’t really become friends last year. Remus sat down and took out his book. He figured James would probably show up right before the train left.
The train left, and no James. Remus spent most of the ride to Hogwarts trying to figure out why he didn’t come back this year. They got to Hogwarts and went through the sorting of the first years; there was another Black sorted into Slytherin. That should be fun. After dinner, Remus and Peter went up to Gryffindor Tower with the girls and got ready to relax for the night before classes began tomorrow. When he walked into the room, he noticed there were only two beds and gave Peter a confused look, to which Peter only shrugged and went to his bed.
Remus figured if anybody knew what this meant, it would be Professor McGonagall. Remus left the dorm and common room and went to her office, hoping to get some answers. He knocked on the door gently and waited for her to answer.
“Good evening, Mr Lupin. How can I help you?”
“I was wondering why there were only two beds in my room. Did James not come back to Hogwarts this year?” Remus asked quietly and was confused by the sadness in McGonagall’s eyes.
“Come in and have a seat,” she said as she moved aside for him to enter.
“What’s going on, Professor?” Remus was starting to get that nagging feeling in the pit of his stomach again.
“Were you close with Mr Potter last year?” What kind of question was that? He thought they were getting there by the end of the year.
“I thought so, but now I’m not so sure,” Remus said uncomfortably as he looked around the room.
“Well,” McGonagall paused, and Remus was confused, “at the end of July, Hagrid was checking on the creatures in the Black Lake and found Mr Potter’s body floating in the middle of it. We got a frantic floo call from the Potters on-”
Remus’s eyes went wide, and McGonagall’s voice was muffled to his ears. He could tell she was saying something, but he couldn’t make anything else out. James was dead. That wasn’t possible. James had told him he was going to meet him on the train.
James was dead.
“Mr Lupin?”
James was dead.
Remus couldn’t wrap his head around it. It’s not possible.
“Remus?” McGonagall asked as she put a gentle hand on his shoulder.
Remus blinked and tried to focus on what she was saying, but none of it made sense.
“His body?” Remus finally got out quietly. He had to have heard her wrong.
“I’m afraid so. It appears he drowned. We are not sure when he went into the lake, but-.”
“He told me he was going to meet me on the train, but he never showed up. Did he decide to kill himself before he told me that or after? Did he kill himself? That didn’t make sense. Was he attacked?” Remus mumbled to himself and felt McGonagall pull him into a hug. Her robes were wet. Why was she crying? Was she crying? Was he crying? None of this makes sense.
McGonagall held Remus until he stopped crying and gently rubbed his back while whispering comforting words to him. After a while, she walked him back to the common room and told him how sorry she was that he had lost his friend. Remus walked past his friends on the couches in the common room and went straight to his dorm. He sat down on his bed and stared at the wall. James was dead. He jumped when there was a knock at the door, and Peter, Mary, Lily and Marlene walked in.
“Remus? What happened?” Lily asked quietly as she knelt in front of him and took his hands.
“James is dead,” he said quietly, just above a whisper. He didn’t think anybody heard him, but Lily’s reaction told him that she did.
“What? What do you mean he’s dead?” She seemed to panic a little.
“He drowned himself in the Black Lake on the last day of school.” Remus sniffled, trying to hold back the fresh tears that were threatening to fall again.
When Remus was finally able to look up, he could see everyone’s shocked faces. James was always happy. Why would he kill himself? It didn’t make any sense. It appeared that nobody was able to stay standing. Lily had fallen back on the floor. Mary and Marlene were sitting on Peter’s bed, hands covering their mouths in shock, and Peter was on the floor by the door, gripping the handle until his knuckles were white. None of them was really close to James, but they were starting to be. Remus was probably the closest, and Lily was the farthest. She was more of a reluctant acquaintance who hated him.
“This is my fault,” Lily gasped, breaking the silence, and Remus was confused again. Why would it be her fault?
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is. I- I- I may have said some things to him. Some mean things. I- I didn’t think anything of it. He thanked me and walked away,” Lily spoke quietly.
“What did you say to him? It couldn’t have been bad enough for this to happen,” Mary asked gently, sitting on the floor with Lily.
“He asked me out again in March, and I told him that nobody wanted him around and everyone thought he was annoying and that nobody could be that happy all the time.”
That couldn’t have been the only reason. He could get annoying sometimes, but he usually had a smile on his face and brushed off comments like that. Remus had seen it. He had watched him get yelled at and just went on with his day afterwards. There had to be more to it, right? How had Remus not noticed earlier? Why did he wait to talk to James about it?
“What did he say after that?” Marlene asked gently, sitting on Lily’s other side.
“He said thank you for clearing that up and walked up to the dorms with a smile on his face,” Lily told them, confusion and guilt written on her face.
The five of them sat on the floor of the dorm between the two beds for the rest of the night. Remus was trying to go through his memories of last year and trying to see if he could have known what James was thinking, and he was coming up with nothing other than he seemed a little down a couple of times, but nothing significant. He should have been able to sense that something was wrong. He should have talked to him sooner.
They will never know the real reason that James took his own life, but Remus was going to make sure that none of his other friends ever got to that point again.