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tyler was...unique, to say the least. he was a happy person, his definition of happy being not completely suicidal but just enough to still feel something. he liked music, fuck, did he like music. music was his escape from everything, it kept him grounded and let him live in the moment but yet still somehow clear his mind at the same time. he wanted to be in a band, that was it, nothing else mattered to him apart from music and the will to help others. he was constantly distracted by his need for the stage lights, he could practically hear the crowd in his mind, cheering his name. something about a room full of people screaming his lyrics back to him for so many different reasons, but at the same time one single reason really appealed to him. he needed this, he needed it so badl-
“tyler?”
tyler blinked, blank expression as he realised he was daydreaming again. “hm?”
“i said how was your day.” josh laughed softly, his smile lighting up tyler’s computer screen.
“oh, it was uh- normal, i guess.” tyler shrugged, adjusting his laptop slightly so josh could properly see him.
“normal? your definition of normal is…?”
“well i haven’t thought about offing myself yet, so.”
“tyler.” josh sighed, looking genuinely concerned so much that it made tyler’s heart warm a little, “you know you can always talk to me about this stuff.”
tyler nodded, biting his lip as he awkwardly took a sudden interest in his fingers. a silence fell over them as tyler kept his head ducked, inspecting his hands with so much interest josh rolled his eyes with a snort.
“am i really that uninteresting?”
“what? no- i’m just, i don’t know…”
“what’s wrong?”
“do you ever feel like- you don’t know where you’re going? not as in, a location, but like- life?”
“jesus.” josh looked taken aback, “where did this come from?”
tyler shrugged once again, “i just feel like i wasn’t put here to just pay bills, work as a rat for the system then die, y’know? there’s….more than that.”
josh nodded in understanding, his eyes looking at nothing in particular as he thought about it, “i get it, i try not to think about it too much though, it’ll fuck me up.”
tyler always thought too much about it.
------
“hello?” josh groaned sleepily into his phone, it was 2am and honestly he knew who it was, as evident by the shaky breath let out on the other end of the line.
“we should start a band.”
josh furrowed his brows in confusion, sitting upright on his bed with a grunt, “what?”
“let’s do it. fuck it, you play drums and i play piano, i sing too. we can do it dude i know we can.” tyler spoke quickly, his voice was shaking slightly and the faint sound of him sniffling made it obvious he was crying.
“are you okay?”
“there’s three holes in the wall and my knuckles are broken, haven’t stopped crying since i came home.” tyler swallowed hard, “that’s not the point though, start a band with me.”
“i live on the other side of the country, dude.”
“and?”
“how will we practice?” josh sighed, rubbing his eyes once again.
“skype or something, fuck it. we have like- what….60 years left at most? i don’t wanna waste my time at college or chasing after a family that i don’t even want for another 10 years, we can make it i know we can.”
josh listened in awe as tyler rambled on, he seemed so passionate about it, the way the excitement mixed with fear dripped from his words made josh’s heart flutter a little. he liked music too, and he’s not gonna lie, he liked the idea of being in a band. his drumkit was his most precious possession, he wouldn’t sell it for the world and now it seemed like it was the one key to making him happy-
“so?” tyler questioned in uncertainty, josh broke out in a smile.
“fuck yeah, dude.”
-------
“this isn’t fucking working!” tyler slammed his fists down on the keyboard, effectively smashing two of the keys to pieces which only made him more irritated. he picked up the phone and let out a sob, his other hand running and twisting through his hair, it was a nervous habit of his.
“i can’t hear when you play, the phone isn’t picking anything up.” josh explained with a sigh, tyler wiped the tears from his eyes and took a deep breath.
“we need to see each other, we can work this out.”
he was met with silence for a moment before josh spoke up again, “i’ll start saving up some money, maybe we could figure this out.”
tyler nodded, even though josh couldn’t see, “i’ll put some money by as well, i need this so badly- fuck.”
josh let out another sigh, his voice an almost broken whisper, “i know, ty. me too.”
------
“i dropped out.”
“what?!” josh’s eyes went wide, his head cocked as tyler’s face looked almost careless in expression from the laptop screen.
“fuck it, right? i mean- it’s a waste of time, time that could be spent doing what i actually want to do. i don’t wanna learn about history or how to fucking multiply x by z, i want to-”
“be in a band, i know. but won’t your parents be mad?” josh furrowed his brows in confusion, tyler let out sharp laugh.
“i don’t give a fuck, i’m not living for them.”
“who are you living for?”
“us.”
----------
“josh?”
“yeah?”
“it’s happening again.”
josh instantly bolted upright on his bed, eyes turning to panic. these incidents happened once every few months, what tyler meant by ‘it’s happening’ was that he was getting those….thoughts, which usually meant there was a noose and chair prepared somewhere in his room and he was close, so close to leaving.
“tyler listen to me-”
“i can’t do it, josh.” tyler suddenly broke down, bursting into tears and huddling further into the corner of his bed. “it’s too much, what the fuck is even happening anymore? i thought this was over, i thought i was getting better. i’m so fucked, i am, man- what if i just need to wake up? i’m living in a fucking fantasy world, dude.”
“tyler.” josh started again, “fucking listen to me, okay? i know things seem bad right now, i know. it feels like everything's happening at once but at the same time not at all, you’re just kindof….stuck in place, watching everything happen while you can’t do anything.”
tyler made a choked hum of agreement, letting out another sob.
“but trust me when i say it’ll get better, it sounds cliché as fuck and maybe i’m just another daydreamer clinging onto any shred of fucking hope i can find. but that’s okay, it is. we’re gonna make it, fuck, we’re gonna make it. please don’t do anything stupid, because when i’m fucking looking at you from across the stage and can finally say ‘we made it’, you’ll know it was the right decision to stay alive.”
tyler didn’t do anything stupid that night.
-----------
josh drummed out the final few beats and threw his drumsticks into the crowd, watching on with a smile as the sea of people shifted, each person hoping to be the one to catch one of them. a river of adrenaline was twisting through his veins, his arms were aching but he fucking loved it, he loved the rush, the high of performing until his muscles hurt and his fucking fingers bled.
then he looked across the stage, the bright lights making him squint slightly.
and he was met with a smile and a pair of soft eyes, contradicted by how dilated they were from excitement. he maneuvered over his drumkit and walked to the middle of the stage, wrapping his arm around tyler and feeling his heart flutter just like when he was a teenager when tyler spoke up again, his voice broken and tears brimming his eyes;
“we made it, josh.”