Chapter Text
Yesterday
“I- uh- met a woman.”
Frank raised an unreadable eyebrow, sending Eddie into a deeper spiral than just saying the statement had already pulled him into. A lengthy pause stretched between them. The man was likely waiting for Eddie to elaborate, but no more words were forthcoming. He waited it out.
“Was this one of your tía’s dates?”
The subject of the last two fortnightly sessions, mostly. Eddie would admit to going slightly overboard on how it had affected him mentally. It still felt good to talk it out, at the time, seeing as Frank was the one person who knew the most of it.
Eddie rubbed his chin, “No, no, I- I met her at a DIY store. She found some glue for me.”
Fascinating, Frank’s blank expression said, and a pause came again while Eddie continued to not elaborate.
“Was it a nice interaction? Speaking with someone of your own volition rather than your family’s?”
Eddie shrugged, “I guess.”
The words settled in the vacuous office, Eddie’s shrug resulting in tensed shoulders up to his ears. Frank hummed.
“I feel we’re avoiding a topic here.”
Eddie cocked his head, “Now, why would I do that?”
Frank turned his pen over in his hand, not making notes, nearly never doing so these days, but holding it poised anyway. He nodded slightly, “How did you feel when you left this interaction?”
Eddie thought on it, “Hopeful.”
“Hopeful for what?”
He’s good, Eddie narrowed his eyes, “I don’t know.”
“Don’t you?”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“You seem sure I do.”
Frank smiled, somewhat, as much as he seemed capable, “You came into his room a month ago and discussed how your tía’s ‘meddling’ in your love life had made you panic.”
-
Today
It wasn’t the sun shining through the gap in the curtain that woke Eddie up, but the shadow blocking it from the side of his bed. If he’d done as his body intended, which was to flip away and yell, Eddie would’ve fallen off the bed. Instead, he kept his eyes shut.
“It’s too early, kid.”
Christopher was probably beaming, “Morning, dad.”
“We have rules on when my days off line up with the weekend.”
“Not before 8:30,” Christopher stated dutifully, “and it isn’t! It’s 9:00, so come on.”
Eddie opened one eye, narrowed it dramatically at his son, who was staring at him with wide eyes behind his glasses and a glorious mop on the top of his head from how he tosses and turns.
“It’s actually 9:30 on weekends.”
“Da-ad,” Christopher whined, “It’s not! C’mon, you said you’d make waffles.”
“Did I?” Eddie hummed doubtfully, closing his eye again and curling into the comforter to the gleeful laughter of Christopher.
The kid pushed his shoulder, “You did! I’m hungry. Hungry, hungry hungry-”
“Fine.” Eddie dragged the word out as he threw the covers from himself and poked Christopher in the ribs before climbing out of bed. He smirked at Christopher hurrying to follow him and rubbed his eyes as he entered the kitchen.
Now, he just had to use the waffle iron without supervision. It’d be fine, probably.
---
“I did.” Eddie rubbed a hand over his jeans. The clock behind Frank’s head was quite fascinating, ticking around, though mocking him with how they were only twenty minutes into an hour session and Eddie knew he wasn’t going to get out of this easily.
He should’ve never brought the woman up in the first place. What was her name again?
Frank continued, “You used a specific word when discussing these dates, and the expectations from them. Do you remember?”
There was a word I could use that’s more interesting than that, but okay.
“I do,” Eddie pushed his tongue into his cheek, “I said that I felt like I had to perform.”
“Perform,” Frank raised his eyebrows, “Yes, that’s it.”
“I don’t need my memory jogging, Frank, I remember it really-” fucking, “-clearly.”
The clock ticked obnoxiously.
The pen twirled, “Would you like to talk about this interaction in that context?”
“What context?”
“Eddie-”
“I know,” Eddie wiped his palms on his jeans again, sat up straighter, accepted his fate, “I felt hopeful because I thought it might be different. To the rest. To- interactions up ‘til that point.”
“Interactions with women.” Frank added, as if they both weren’t perfectly aware that was what Eddie had meant.
“Yes.”
---
Twenty minutes later found Christopher humming while he ate his- not burnt, thank you- waffles at the table and Eddie sorting himself out in the bathroom. He met his eyes in the mirror and frowned, noting the creases in his forehead. God, he was getting old.
His phone buzzed from his bedside table.
Eddie spat out his toothpaste and ran his tongue over his teeth as he walked to his bedroom to the soundtrack of Christopher’s humming- the theme to Jaws, this morning.
Buck
How is Eddie the Crushed this morning?
With a chuckle, Eddie typed out a reply to his neediest friend.
Bruised. Battered. Forced into domestic labor for a tyrant.
Buck’s reply was almost immediate.
Buck
You promise Christopher waffles again? You know you need supervision…
Eddie was still smiling at his phone and thinking of a reply when a small voice came from his doorway.
“Are you texting Buck? Tell him to come grocery shopping with us!”
The fact that his smile had made it obvious who Eddie was texting was frankly embarrassing. He schooled his expression.
“Have you combed your hair? Brushed your teeth?”
Christopher giggled, “No.”
“No demands from you until you’re clean,” Eddie waved a hand, “Scram.”
“Ugh, dad!” He complained, but headed to the bathroom anyway, a hand hovering by the wall as he forwent his crutches in his rush to call Eddie’s smitten nature out.
They were delicious. Thank you for your faith in me.
Chris is asking for you- want to join us at the store?
Buck
Can’t today :/ Natalia is taking me to lunch!
I’d take you to a way better lunch, Eddie thought.
No worries man, he sent instead.
---
Eddie’s heart felt like a panicking small animal, beating at his chest with an age-old rhythm that warned him of the territory he hated walking on, hated talking about. He’d spent so long giving into it that the next words ripped out of him like a plea.
“I thought I could be attracted to her-”
Frank’s tilted his head said- but?
“-but I’m not.”
The silence stretched, yet again, and Eddie could tell from his therapist’s posture that he was in it for the long haul this time. Hell, Eddie didn’t want to waste the LAFD’s money. Therapy wasn’t cheap.
The small animal frenzied, “I met her, and I thought ‘she’s pretty’. She was nice to me, kind, helpful. I’d- I spoke to Bobby about his relationship with Athena-” both names that Frank was familiar with- “I wanted something-” Eddie gritted his teeth- “normal. Something, with her, that’d make sense to me and to everyone else.”
“You’re expecting a lot of yourself.” Frank leaned forward, “We’ve talked previously about making choices that are not only for Christopher, but for yourself.”
“I am.” Eddie insisted, cutting off the last word of Frank’s sentence in his urgency. He took a breath, “I am. It’s just- this is different from staying in bed longer or letting Christopher go to sleepovers and making plans for myself. It’s different to telling my dad how I feel, and different from accepting help from-” Buck- “the people around me.” Eddie rolled his shoulders, “It’s different.”
---
Eddie lost Christopher twice at the store. He spent so much time checking his phone that he power-walked away from his own kid twice.
It was getting embarrassing at this point; how reliant he was on Buck’s attention to function as a human. Going by the amount of complaints Christopher had made at the lack of the man’s presence for their errand, though, Eddie wasn’t the only one.
They gathered their stuff, skidded down the aisles with Christopher in the cart- after the second time of losing him, for safety- and exited the store successful and hungry.
Eddie opted for eating out and took Christopher to a food truck a few streets away, conscious of the perishables in the truck that’d maybe survive an hour out of a fridge.
They pulled up and Eddie was busy unbuckling his kid when the boy in question yelled, “Buck!”
Eddie’s heart sank.
“No, it’s dad, you must be delirious.” Eddie joked but turned around anyway as Chris clambered out of his seat. He watched as the boy ambled over to where Buck and, of course, Natalia were sat on a bench in the sunlight.
Natalia looked beautiful. She was wearing a black sundress, fitted around her waist, her hair pulled back into a clip and a bright grin on her face at the arrival of Christopher. She looked good next to Buck.
Eddie hated her.
Buck pulled Christopher in a warm embrace, chattering away with glinting eyes and wild hand gestures when the hug parted. His white tee stretched over his shoulders, the sleeves strained on his arms, and Eddie swallowed his tongue before a noise could come out that’d be wildly inappropriate.
“What are you doing, Ed?” Buck called over to him, waving one of those ridiculous arms, “Get over here!”
---
Frank nodded, plain as ever, “You say that it’s different. How so?”
“How so?” Eddie mocked with a chuckle that hurt coming out. He looked at the ceiling, “I’ve got to accept that I’ve been doing everything wrong up to this point,” Eddie dropped his head again and held Frank’s gaze, “I didn’t want those girls in high school, I married Shannon because she was pregnant, I date because it’s what expected and-” he pursed his lips- “I didn’t love her. Not- not in the way I thought. Not in the way I should have-
Eddie shook his head when Frank opened his mouth- “I know there’s nothing expected of me, really, and that loving her in whatever way I did was enough and any other bullshit you want to spew, okay?” His chest bubbled, “I know. That doesn’t change things.”
Another pause. A moment for Eddie to calm down, probably. He used it.
“I’ve been selfish.” Eddie insisted, arguing with a wall when Frank wouldn’t possibly outright dispute it but try to get him to argue with himself, “I’ve kept things-” Buck- “closer than I should have when I know what I know. I’ve done it. It’s different. I can’t just-”
“What is it you know?”
“What?” Eddie’s shoulders dropped at the abrupt question, at the tone of innocence from the man in front of him.
Frank blinked, “You said ‘when I know what I know’, but what is it you know? We elude, and we imply, but saying it aloud makes things more real, don’t you think?”
“I guess.”
---
“Hey, Buck.” Eddie greeted, then, more reluctantly, “Natalia.”
She didn’t seem bothered by the interruption, two abandoned trays from their food in front of them so the bulk of the ‘taking out to lunch’ already done. Natalia smiled at him, all friendly, and Eddie just resisted the urge to gnash his teeth at her like a feral dog.
“Buck!” Christopher drew everyone’s attention to him, “Dad made waffles this morning and they were good. Actually good!”
Eddie tutted, “Hey, that’s not news. I can make waffles.”
Both Buck and Christopher gave him bland looks. They were so similar these days that it hurt Eddie’s chest to look at them.
“I can!”
Natalia laughed, “You should have some faith in your dad, Christopher.”
Snarling was inappropriate, right?
Eddie managed a smile in response, despite his bitterness at her ease with talking to his kid like they’d met before this point. Though, with how long Eddie had been stood by the truck he supposed introductions were out of the way and that was all Christopher really needed to have a new friend.
“You should’ve seen his first attempt.” Buck slid his leftovers to Christopher when the kid clambered onto the bench next to him without looking away from Natalia, “I got him the waffle iron hoping that it’d be easier than pancakes-” He tilted his hand back and forth with a grimace- “and it was a bad idea.”
Eddie stayed stood. He caught Natalia’s eye, who seemed to be wondering why he wasn’t sitting down next to her, or maybe that was his imagination.
Buck continued on, oblivious to the one-sided battle going on, “The smoke alarm nearly went on long enough for neighbours to call 9-1-1, so from that point forward he had to be supervised.”
“I’ve learned my lesson.” Eddie tilted his head, giving Buck a scathing look for outing him to his girlfriend for being a bad cook. He received a sunny smile in return and tried to catch his breath back.
Natalia cleared her throat, “It was lovely to meet you both, but Buck and I should really get going.”
“Really?” Buck’s gaze left Eddie.
“Really?” Christopher echoed, some hot sauce smeared on his lip from scoffing the rest of Buck’s fries, “Can you come round later?”
Buck laughed awkwardly, looking between Natalia and Chris, “Of course, buddy. It’s one of our Saturday nights, remember?”
“Oh,” Natalia’s smile turned strained, but maybe that was Eddie’s imagination too, “That sounds fun.”
“We watch movies at my place,” Eddie shrugged, somehow feeling victorious despite there being no fight, “Long standing tradition when our days off line up with a Saturday.”
Natalia nodded. She looked at Buck with what seemed like a significant gaze, but the man in question was oblivious to it and pulled Chris into a side hug.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world, Chris,” He poked the boy in the ribs with a chuckle, “Pick something good out for me, okay? I’ll bring over ingredients for lasagne.”
Eddie blanched, “I said I’d cook.”
There was that look again, from Buck and his kid, “Let’s keep the luck with the waffles for today, huh?”
Eddie huffed.
They said their goodbyes, and Chris received another hug while Eddie got none, and Natalia and Buck waved as they headed off down the street for whatever their next plans were.
“I like her.” Christopher said suddenly, watching the two of them walk away just like Eddie was.
“Yeah, she’s nice.” He responded, the words bitter on his tongue and nowhere near what he really wanted to say.
---
They both waited.
“You want me to say it.” Eddie crossed his arms. He checked the clock, ten minutes left- damn.
“I don’t want you to do anything, Eddie,” Frank said reasonably, “This is a space where you can discuss what you’re thinking, and feeling, without fear of judgement or social consequence. It is healthy to feel strongly about these things, and it is healthier to say what it is you feel so strongly about.”
It sounded like Frank had been holding onto that for a while. Probably since that session, just over a month ago now, where Eddie first admitted to his… issue.
Eddie shrugged, “I don’t know if I can.”
“Would you like to discuss something else?”
“Like the bridge collapse?” Eddie raised his eyebrows, “That’s more your area, right?”
Frank stared him down, unimpressed, “If you’d like.”
It wasn’t an unreasonable thing to talk out in therapy, so Eddie took the segue and felt the creature in his chest curl up in satisfaction at escaping the original topic.